If You’re Going To Steal A Bicycle From A Gross Barn, Take The Five Seconds To Dust The Cobwebs Off Before You Ride Away

Posted on October 13, 2017 by Falco

cob

MADISON, Ind. (AP) — Southern Indiana police say a tip from an observant citizen who noticed a cobweb-covered man riding a bicycle led to the arrests of two men for allegedly stealing bikes from a barn.

The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office says a caller reported on Sept. 27 seeing a web-covered man who looked as if he’d been digging in a barn.

The Madison Courier reports deputies found the 25-year-old bicyclist near the Ohio River city of Madison and arrested him for burglary and theft. A friend of the man who’s also 25 faces the same charges after deputies found him with a hay-covered bicycle inside his car.

A search of a barn adjacent to a home one of the men was renting revealed that some bicycles stored in its hayloft were missing.

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Look, I’m not going to stand here and say I’m the cleanest person on earth. Once in a while I’ll roll out of bed on Saturday morning and decide that, you know what, I don’t really feel like I need a shower today. It happens. Sometimes you deserve a wear-sweatpants-and-play-video-games-on-the-couch- sort of day. I’m totally cool with that, and you should be, too.

But there are times when hygiene and cleanliness matter. For instance, if you’re stealing a bicycle, and the place you’re stealing it from is covered in spider webs so dense you need a machete to hack through them.

If you’re a fan of spiders (and their webs), I’m not here to judge! It definitely seems like this guy was perfectly okay with being covered in them. I’ll admit that, while I’m not terrified of spiders, they definitely creep me out a little. Given the choice between being covered in spiders and not being covered in spiders, I’ll choose not being covered in spiders every time. This guy, he didn’t care. Maybe he loves spiders, and he didn’t want to risk hurting any by brushing them off. Maybe he loves the feeling of silky spider webs against his skin–again, not here to judge. It’s impossible to say for sure.

Whatever the case may be, I submit to you that, in this specific instance, this bicycle thief probably should have spent the five seconds necessary to brush the spider webs off of his body.

But that’s just kind of the story with bicyclists, isn’t it? They’re single-minded creatures. They live in the moment. Whatever compulsion seizes them, they do it. Want to run a red light? DO IT! Want to breeze through a stop sign? GO FOR IT! Want to cut off a car and cause an accident? WHY NOT! They don’t care for laws, they don’t care for the safety of others, so why should they care about being covered in a few pesky spider webs?

It’s just lucky for the rest of us that their compulsiveness is their downfall. If this moron hadn’t hit the streets covered in spider webs, he might never have been caught. He’d have gotten away, perpetuating the violent cycle of bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime. So let this be a lesson bicyclists: it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I care too much. Even bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime breaks my heart, and my desire to eliminate your vile hobby is as much for your own good as my own. Bless your hearts.

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Keene, NH, The City Of My Childhood, Has Created The Position Of “Bicycle Mayor”

Posted on October 4, 2017 by Falco

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[Keene Sentinel] Tiffany Mannion has always owned a bicycle. The Massachusetts native recalls those first few moments without training wheels, as her father guided her through the parking lot where she first learned to ride. ….

On Saturday, Mannion was named the first bicycle mayor of Keene in a ceremony at the Monadnock Fall Festival. She’s not only the first to hold the position in Keene, but also the first bicycle mayor in the United States. It’s part of a program created by CycleSpace, an Amsterdam-based start-up focused on making cities less car-centric. CycleSpace created the Bicycle Mayor and Leader Network to find leaders to represent local cycling communities.

Bicycle mayors have already been installed in cities across the world, including Amsterdam, Mexico City, Sydney, Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro and Baroda, India — and now, Keene.

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I’ve shared a lot of terrifying stories with you. Stories about bicyclists on drugs. Stories about bicyclists committing murder. Stories about bicyclists kidnapping people. You name it, chances are I’ve written about a bicyclist doing it.

But nothing has hit quite as close to home as Keene, NH–the city I grew up in, no less–creating the position of “Bicycle Mayor.”

I know bicyclists have all but taken over plenty of cities in America. Hell, cities like Macon, GA are actively bribing bicyclists to clog up their streets and fill the air with smug self-satisfaction. But I didn’t think it could happen so close to home. I thought that, if nothing else, I could count on the cities in my own backyard to hold strong against the screaming hordes of the bicyclist cabal. But hell came to town today, my friends. Hell came to town, and it wore lycra.

Look, Keene. You’ve got to ask yourself a very simple question. Do you really want MORE bicyclists flocking to your town? Because make no mistake, that’s what you’re asking for here. Sure, this lady seems nice. Sure, her promises of sustainable living and community unity sound admirable. But if the end goal is to promote bicycling, is it worth it? Is it worth it to attract more bicyclists to your town, prancing about in their Tour de France cosplay outfits, breezing through red lights with reckless abandon, and ultimately ensuring that your daily commute involves at least 20 minutes stuck behind four bicyclists spread out horizontally across the road moving at a leisurely 3 MPH?

No. Never. I refuse to believe that this is what has become of my hometown. I cannot entertain the idea that the town that fundamentally shaped me as a human being has turned its back on me so completely. Today is a terrible day, but I have faith that Keene will pull through this era of darkness and rise again stronger than ever. I have to believe it, because the alternative is too depressing.

PS. When I saw the headline “Keene gets a Bicycle Mayor,” I thought Keene had named a physical bicycle to the office of mayor, which actually would have been less troubling.

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No Shock Here, But Bicyclists Apparently Don’t Even Care About The Safety Of Their Own Children

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Falco

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[Daily Mail] This is the shocking moment a cyclist with a child on the back of his bike was just centimetres away from being taken out by an oncoming car.

(click for video)

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I gasped when I saw this video. Out loud. Gasped. I mean, it’s one thing for bicyclists to run red lights, breeze past stop signs, and generally behave with a total disregard for the safety of themselves and others. I get it. Bicyclists believe two things: 1) they are invincible, and 2) nobody else matters. So in a weird, perverse way, it makes total sense.

But I have to admit, I thought there was a small shred of humanity left in the bicyclist psyche. I thought, surely, they must at LEAST care for the safety of their children. After all, it’s a biological imperative. Reproduce and protect. Ensure that your progeny live on. That your line survives. That the species maintains continuity.

Apparently I was wrong. The bicyclists flies right on through a red light and almost gets sideswiped by a regular, law-abiding citizen. Even worse, the car almost clips the back of the bicycle–which is exactly where this poor kid is sitting. So, just to be clear, this bicyclist not only put their child in danger, they put their child in the MOST danger.

The only possible conclusion that can be drawn here is that bicyclists are not human anymore. The biological imperative no longer holds sway over them. Which actually makes sense, the more I think about it. I assume that cramming themselves into those skintight lycra outfits has probably squeezed their collective sperm count into the single digits, so it’s frankly a miracle that this bicyclist was able to reproduce at all. Maybe these spandex-clad pedal jockeys have sterilized themselves to the point that they don’t even know what to do with a kid anymore.

I’m not saying it’s the truth. I’m just looking for answers. And faced with the evidence I’ve seen here today, it’s the only responsible conclusion I can draw.

 

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In Classic Bicyclist Fashion, Bicyclist Assaults Driver And Attempts To Steal Car With Children Still Inside

Posted on September 21, 2017 by Falco

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[ITV] A cyclist with road rage has been jailed after attempting to hijack a family’s car with the owner’s children still sat in the back. Dean David Price, 36, argued with the father who owned the car in the street after the driver made an emergency stop in Morriston, Swansea.

Swansea Crown Court heard Price of Waun Wen in Swansea, grabbed the man by his neck and punched him in the head. He then jumped into the car and tried to start the engine. The father pulled the keys from the ignition and the court heard Price fled from the scene on foot.

Price, who already has an ‘extensive criminal record’ was arrested a week later. He admitted attempted theft of a car and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He was jailed for one year and three months.

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I know I make a big show of saying there’s nothing these bikefucks can do to shock me anymore, but every so often I come across a story like this that proves to me that they can, in fact, sink even lower.

Bicyclist attempting to steal a car? Yawn. Bicyclist committing assault? Ho hum. Bicyclist attempting to kidnap someone? Been there, done that. But a bicyclist combining all three of those things, with children as the intended victims? Why, that’s a bicyclist triple threat right there. A hat trick. A three-run ding dong. A half-court buzzerbeater. A 65-yard field goal. A golazo from WAY outside the box. You get the idea. Except that, just as bicyclists tend to do with everything they try, he failed.

The only thing I take issue with in this article is that it’s a little bit redundant. A bicyclist with an extensive criminal record? You might as well say “a bird with wings.” These are two things that go hand-in-hand. The population already understands that bicyclists are crooks. You don’t need to spell it out for us. We’ve seen them on the streets running red lights, kicking cars, brandishing weapons, doing every drug under the sun. It’s part and parcel with the bicyclist lifestyle. At a certain point we just need to understand that it’s who they are.

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It Appears That, In My Absence, Bicyclists Have Decided That Getting Naked And Assaulting Women Is Just Fine

Posted on September 20, 2017 by Falco

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[FORT WORTH (CBSDFW.COM)] Police have released a sketch of the man they say shed his clothes, hopped on a bicycle naked then chased down a jogger before jumping off and assaulting her on Saturday.

A witness saw the man sitting on a bench on the Trinity Trails near the 1800 block of Rogers Road at 5:45 p.m. on Saturday. He removed his shorts and rode a bicycle naked westbound from Rogers Road, just north of Texas Christian University, police said.

At 6:12 p.m., a female jogger crossed paths with him as he headed east on the south side of the Trinity Trails path, just west of Edwards Ranch Road. She saw him sitting down near a low water crossing, turned around and ran westbound in the opposite direction. But the naked man chased the jogger and assaulted her.

“He hit her a couple of time in the head and kicked her a couple of times. The female was fighting for her life and was able to escape,” said Fort Worth police officer Daniel Segura. The jogger ran away into a subdivision on Overton Woods where she called police. The woman is expected to recover from her injuries.

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Well.

Well, well, fucking well.

I disappear for a few months (EDITOR’S NOTE: over a year) and this is what becomes of things. North Korea has nuclear weapons. Donald Trump is president. And bicyclists think they are safe to get naked and assault innocent women.

No. The line must be drawn here. This far, no further. Because guess what? I’m BACK, baby.

I’m honestly not even sure what needs to be said here. It’s a pretty open and shut case. Typical bicyclist strips naked, hops on bike, assaults woman. Ho hum. It’s barely even newsworthy. It’s just classic bicyclist behavior. Laws don’t apply to them. Basic human decency doesn’t apply to them. As far as pretty much every bicyclist is concerned, if you try to stop them from getting naked and beating the shit out of a woman, you’re infringing upon their constitutional rights.

“But Falco,” I can already hear you saying, “surely not every bicyclist is like that.” And sure, that may be true. I can’t corroborate it. I haven’t met every bicyclist. All I know is what I see in the news, and I’m afraid stories like “Fully Clothed Bicyclist Helps Little Old Lady Across Street” haven’t made too many headlines these days. Instead, we get the drug-addled bicyclists. The convict bicyclists. The sex-crazed lunatics who view their bicycle primarily as a means to expose themselves to the women who they will then assault.

Well, to those bicyclists I say this: no more. I’m back. I’m back to expose the crazy, the selfish, the violent, and the generally shitty. And to the rest of you who view me as too extreme, I say only this: you don’t want the truth about bicyclists because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

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Note To Bicyclists: Cutting Off The President’s Motorcade Is Probably Not The Best Idea

Posted on June 14, 2016 by Falco

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGaSn7pwHb-/

[TIME] A New York City bicyclist learned his lesson Thursday after he tried to ride a bicycle in front of President Barack Obama’s motorcade.

Video posted by Instagram user mattpeco shows a man on a Citibike bicycle attempting to ride through an intersection that police had blocked off, when a cop grabs him and forces him to the ground.

Another cop in a helmet roughly secures the man to the ground until a Secret Service agent walks over. President Obama’s motorcade rolls past shortly after, to applause.

Police say Provencio was issued a summons for disorderly conduct, according to the Daily News.

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I know I say it all the time, but bicyclists really do think they are the most important people on the planet. You might think I’m joking when I say it. You might thing I’m exaggerating when I tell you that bicyclists think that heaven and earth should move before them. That our lives should all revolve around the whims of the bicyclist menace. But as Han Solo said, it’s true. All of it.

How else do you explain this piece of shit moron cutting off the president’s motorcade? I mean look, I’m all for inconveniencing politicians. They’re universally terrible. They all deserve whatever fate ultimately awaits them in hell. But it takes a special breed of idiotic narcissist to see streets completely blocked off, throngs of people crowding up against barriers, and police holding everyone back, and think, “that must be for me.”

So ultimately, I applaud the NYPD for doing what needs to be done. Sure, some people might think that slamming him to the ground is overkill, but spare the rod, spoil the child. God knows the bicyclists behave enough like spoiled children as it is. Hopefully this man can be an example to others of his kind. No, the streets are not blocked off for you. No, you are not allowed to go wherever you want just because you are on a bicycle. No, you are not more important than the president. No, the NYPD will not hesitate to break your face when you break the law. You know. The little lessons that keep society going.

PS. The fact that he’s on a Citibike is easily the best part of this story. He’s one of those bicyclist douchebags that can’t even spring for his own bicycle. Dude probably thinks the “Citibike” logo on the side of his dork machine is his key to the city. Talk about a rude awakening. Although if anything this guy is lucky. Sure, the NYPD were pretty rough with him, but I’m pretty sure the Secret Service would run him the fuck over without a second thought. Count your blessings, bikefuck.

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Been A While Since I Posted, Hasn’t It? Anyway, Here’s A Story About A Kangaroo Exploding A Bicyclist’s Fake Boobs

Posted on June 2, 2016 by Falco

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(AP) CANBERRA, Australia — A woman says she and a friend were injured when they were jumped by a kangaroo while cycling in an Australian wine region.

Sharon Heinrich, 45, said Monday that she and her friend Helen Salter, 47, were cycling side by side along a tourist route in the Clare Valley in South Australia state on Wednesday when she saw a large kangaroo standing on a slight rise. As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said. 

“I’ve gone to ride past, I thought: ‘He’s cute,’ and he’s just jumped me and taken out the side of me,” Heinrich said. “As I’m falling, I felt him push off me and then he’s flown to Helen and taken her out. He looked peaceful. He didn’t look angry,” she added.

Heinrich said she broke three ribs and will undergo surgery on Thursday to replace ruptured breast implants.

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It’s been a long time since I posted, I know. Months, in fact. I’ve been busy. I’ve been overstretched. But sometimes you come across a story too good to pass up. And when I see a story about an Australian bicyclist getting her tits kicked off by an angry kangaroo, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just ignore it?

The kangaroos long ago declared their allegiance to the anti-bicyclist forces, and for that I am forever grateful. And while I don’t support the harming of breasts in any way, I can hardly blame the kangaroo for defending his turf. After all, aren’t these bicyclists the same ones who are usually all “rah rah save the earth”? They always want to protect the environment, protect the animals, but when it comes to it they have no problem rolling their psychotic death machines straight through some poor kangaroo’s territory. The poor guy was probably just protecting his young from being run the fuck over. In fact, in my mind he probably already lost four or five young’uns to previous bicyclists, so I can hardly blame him for being a little edgy.

My favorite part of this is the comment that he “looked peaceful.” Well of course. What could be more zen than sending a strong message to bicyclists everywhere? He probably had the same look on his face that I get every time I click “submit” on a new blog. Just a feeling of peace, like you’ve done something good in the world. Like I said, do I condone the exploding of bicyclist boobs? Of course not. But you can’t expect a kangaroo to adhere to the same level of morality that we non-bicyclists hold ourselves to. Sometimes a wild animal is just going to defend his turf against a roving horde of bicyclists, and I for one can’t blame them.

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Dumbass Bicyclist Can’t Tell The Difference Between A Log And An Alligator, Almost Pays The Price

Posted on January 4, 2016 by Falco

[Earth Touch News] This cyclist (who sounds a bit like someone you might know) is just sick and tired of people putting logs in his paa… Oh wait, that’s not a log. 

As far as unfazed reactions to reptilian roadblocks go, this one ranks right up there with the Australian tour guide who ushered two crocodiles off the road with little more than the power of politeness.

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Look, I know, it’s not an exciting video. The alligator doesn’t even snap at him (no doubt because he knows that bicyclists just aren’t worth the headache). Just gives him the cold shoulder and side-eyes him the whole way past. That’s fine. I would expect no less from one of mother nature’s most majestic and noble creatures.

The real story here is this idiot’s commentary. He’s just so sick of people putting logs in the middle of his bike paths! Because that’s what people do, they just run around with logs, leaving them in the way of unsuspecting bicyclists. God knows we have nothing better to do than lug a giant hunk of wood into the middle of fuck-all nowhere and leave it there to mildly inconvenience a couple of bicyclists.

Has there ever been a more clear example of how bicyclists think the world revolves around them? For a group of people who so widely consider themselves environmentalists, they have no concept of how nature works. Everything is always a giant conspiracy out to get them, whether it’s traffic laws, drug laws, right of way laws, or goddamn mother nature herself.

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Does It Get Any More Pathetic Than A Bicyclist Losing A Fight To A Kite?

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Falco

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[Coconuts Hong Kong] A woman has been left shaken and scarred after being sliced by the string of a “stunt kite” in Tai Po this weekend.

The incident reportedly occurred at around 6pm on Saturday, near Plover Cove Main Dam. Speaking to Oriental Daily, the woman, surnamed Lam, recalls cycling towards Tai Mei Tuk with her front and rear bicycle lights on. She said she clearly remembers seeing a white-shirted man, accompanied another man and a child, flying a huge kite which then fell and struck her off her bicycle. 

After Lam had fallen from the accident, the man in the white shirt apparently rushed to pull her up and said “Could you not report this to the police? I will pay for your medical fees”, but after seeing she was woozy from shock, he said “I wasn’t the person flying the kite, that man already left. I’m just here to help you report this to the police”.

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The scar on this lady’s neck looks pretty nasty and I can’t imagine it would be much fun to get clotheslined out of nowhere. But regardless of the circumstances, don’t you kind of have to give up on life once you lose a fight to a fucking KITE? You know, kites. Those things that little kids fly until they’re old enough to realize that standing in one place while a stupid piece of plastic with some colorful flaps on it flies around in the air for five seconds before crashing down to earth isn’t actually fun.

How the fuck did kites ever become a thing, anyway? I guess I can understand them a century or two ago, when watching some colors flap around in the sky was probably a welcome distraction from watching your family slowly starve to death in the Dust Bowl. Plus Ben Franklin had to get that key up in the sky somehow (thanks for that one B, without you we wouldn’t have computers and therefore internet porn). But now? I don’t get it. Kites should have died out the second television became a thing. Who has time to run to the park and fly a kite when there are so many yet-unwatched shows on Netflix? I just don’t understand.

Anyway, that’s all to say that the only people who still fly kites are these dipshit hipsters with their dipshit “stunt kites” running around and ruining everyone’s day in the park. And you can’t get taken down by one of them. You just can’t. It’s more than embarrassing, it’s downright dehumanizing. Getting beat up by a kite is just about the most humiliating thing I can even think of, so it makes complete sense that it would happen to a bicyclist. They attract shame like moths to a flame.

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I Bet You Thought Those Inflatable Bike Helmets Were Pretty Stupid, Didn’t You? Well Guess What, You Were Right!

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Falco

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[Cycling Weekly – Link to Instagram Video] True to the claim that the helmet will deploy at speed, this one went off as a man put on his coat in a shop. The Hövding Airbag helmet was released to much speculation earlier this year, with many questioning if it was the solution for those not wanting to wear a conventional bicycle helmet.

“Hövding should only be activated when you are cycling,” said Anna Katarina Skogh, Hövding’s Marketing Director, in response to the jacket activated helmet.

“The cyclist in the film unfortunately had it activated also off the bike. His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation. The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation. Shortly after the inflation we helped him with a replacement so he could continue enjoying the superior protection Hövding offers while cycling.”

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Hey, remember those inflatable helmet airbags that bicyclists started strapping to their heads way back in 2012? I bet you thought those were pretty stupid right? Well it turns out you were right!

Just because I really like having the opportunity to pat myself on the back, let’s take a look at what I wrote way back in 2012, when these monstrosities first began to appear at the lunatic fringe of the bicycling internet:

I love that the “trigger mechanism is controlled by sensors which pick up the abnormal movements of a bicyclist.” I can’t wait for the first douchebag bicyclist to lean forward to flip off a motorist and wind up flipped over the handlebars trying to claw the plastic off his face before he fucking suffocates.

Well hot damn! I’m not gonna claim to be 100% right on this one, but I’d say I came pretty fucking close to nailing it. This guy is just lucky he wasn’t actually on his bike when this thing went off or the shock would surely have sent him careening into traffic. That is, if he wasn’t already right in the middle of traffic, which, for a bicyclist dumb enough to wear one of these inflatable deathtraps, is admittedly a pretty big “if.”

I mean can you imagine being the sort of person willing to wear a compressed plastic bag that could inflate over your face at any time? I’ll give them this at least: the “helmet” appeared in the right place. I would have bet quite a bit of money against that, so at least they got that part right. But uh, having this thing explode into action anytime you move your arms a little bit to put your jacket on seems like kind of a problem, no? I love this quote:

His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation.

Right, because usually when someone is in the middle of a horrific bike accident, the first thing they do is put on their jacket. A+ job on the movement detection there, guys!

PS. “The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation.” Oh, so not correctly at all, then.

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