Hey Philadelphia, How Would You Like To Spend A Million Taxpayer Dollars On A Bike Race? No? Well Too Fucking Bad!

bikerace

[Philadelphia Inquirer] After 30 years of being largely privately financed, the professional bike race that features the Manayunk Wall was formally taken over by the city, which assumed its financial liabilities.

The cost to taxpayers? So far, $1.029 million – about $600,000 spent for this year’s race and an additional $400,000-plus rolled over to cover the expenses for the June 5, 2016, race.

That commitment is five times the tab to taxpayers in 2014 when the race was in private hands. The previous year, promoters ran it with no taxpayer help.

Can I ask a serious question? How the fuck can a bike race possibly cost $600,000? If you handed me $600,000 and told me to plan a bike race while actively trying to spend as much money as possible, I think I MIGHT be able to spend $100 (that’s $20 for bottled water and $80 for Valium). Maybe $10 here or there to buy some caution tape and a finish line ribbon and an extra 50¢ or so to print out numbers for the riders. That’s seriously it. To spend $600,000, I’d have to plan a bike race, then buy myself a Lamborghini and have it shipped to Mars.

Of course, as usual, the bicyclists don’t care at all. As is typical for them, they simply do whatever they want and pass the consequences onto the average citizen. Whether they’re actively blocking traffic, killing war hero combat dogs, running down pedestrians on the sidewalk, or wasting over a million taxpayer dollars, they don’t care about how they make you suffer. They just don’t care at all. And why should they? When their “privately funded” bike race couldn’t carry on any longer, the government stepped in a volunteered to foot the bill. Even when bicyclists completely fail in their useless endeavors, someone is standing by to bail them out.

It’s clear that bicyclists have infiltrated the highest levels of city government in Philadelphia. Frankly, if I lived there, I’d get out while I still can. Because mark my words, if this trend is allowed to continue, it’s only a matter of time before the entire city budget is being funneled straight into the pockets of the bicyclist lobby. Do you want to live in a city where every day is one giant bike race? Where an endless horde of lawless, spandex-clad spokesters terrorize the streets? I know I wouldn’t. If you choose to stay, I respect your bravery. But I can’t be held responsible for what might happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(image source)

h/t to reader Doug for the story

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Bicyclists Are Just Up And Murdering War Hero Combat Dogs Now

combat

[Fox News] A bomb-sniffing combat dog named Mike survived two tours of duty in Iraq but not the streets of a bucolic little town in Wyoming.

The 9-year-old Belgian Malinois was shot and killed in Powell last Saturday by a bicyclist who said he was attacked, leaving Mike’s devastated owner Matthew Bessler, a retired Army Ranger, wondering how he is going to deal with his combat-related injuries alone.

The bicyclist, 59, told the Park County Sheriff’s Office he was attacked by “German shepherd-looking dog” in an encounter in the road, the Powell Tribune reported. Authorities say somehow the dog got loose from Bessler’s yard. According to the account he gave deputies, he fended off the dog using his bicycle, and then grabbed a revolver from his bicycle-mounted holster, and shot the dog.

Bessler questions the bicyclist’s account, saying the dog was shot in the rear. “He has his story,” he told the Tribune. “I know my dog. I have my story.”

Well this is just a sad story. There’s nothing to laugh at here, nothing to make fun of. A bicyclist was riding through town and decided to shoot a war hero bomb sniffing dog in the back.

Listen, I wasn’t there, so I’m not going to pretend to know exactly what happened. Maybe this guy WAS attacked. Maybe all of this is a big misunderstanding. But if you believe for one single second that a 59-year-old man was able to fend off a fucking COMBAT DOG using only his bicycle then YOU are the biggest goddamn sucker on this planet of Earth.

I know bicyclists like to pretend that they’re in the greatest shape of anyone on earth, and that bicycling keeps you fresh and young, and that if only everyone would bicycle everywhere they’d all be in perfect health and live longer, fuller, stronger lives…but I’ll tell you right now that if a military-trained combat dog wants to bite you to death, you might as well lay right down and show it your throat, because you’re getting bitten to death. You’re certainly not fending it off using your bare hands and a fucking ten-speed.

So, sure. Maybe the guy got lucky. But it ain’t a good look when you pull a gun out of your “bicycle-mounted holster” (which, also, what the fuck?) and shoot a dog in the ass. And when it turns out that it’s a dog that has saved countless lives by sniffing out bombs overseas and is currently providing a wounded veteran with a little companionship as he reacclimates to life at home…well, that REALLY ain’t a good look.

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If You’re Thinking Of Going For A Bike Ride In Australia, The Kangaroos Would Like You To Think Again

[Canberra Times] A cyclist has filmed an “unnerving” encounter with a group of kangaroos on Melbourne’s north-eastern outskirts.

Ben Vezina was riding in Hawkstowe Park near Hurstbridge on Sunday when he came across the mobbing marsupials down a deserted dirt track. In a YouTube scene reminiscent of a horror film, many of the eastern greys stand stock still as Mr Vezina slowly rolls past, eyeballing the camera.

“I feel like … oh my God … instead of a zombie apocalypse, it’s a f—ing kangaroo [apocalypse],” he says, as the camera pans past the animals. Look at them. They’re all just standing there. I mean, should I be going down here?”

A couple of kangaroos hop away but many others stand their ground as Mr Vezina cycles past.

“I’m going to be honest,” he says on camera. “I’m a little terrified.”

Couple of different ways to approach this one. First of all, are you allowed to live in Australia and still be afraid of kangaroos? I thought Australians prided themselves on living in the wild outback where the most deadly animals on earth roam free. Aren’t Australians supposed to be made of stronger stuff? You’ve got deadly snakes, poisonous spiders, carnivorous fish, 75 ABV beer, and the thing you’re going to admit to being terrified of on camera is a fucking KANGAROO? I know kangaroos can have a mean right hook, but come on man.

Get your people in line, Australia. Really not a great look for the entire country to have this be the video that goes viral. Steve Irwin is for sure spinning in his grave right now. Seriously, some Aussie better jump into the ocean and punch a shark to death or something pretty goddamn quick or this could be absolutely disastrous. You can’t have people thinking that Australians are just a bunch of pussy bicyclists afraid of a pack of fuzzy kangaroos. You just can’t have that. All those Foster’s commercials will have been for nothing.

Now, we can also look at this from another perspective, which is that of COURSE bicyclists should be afraid of kangaroos. Mother Nature has shown time and time again that each and every one of her wondrous creatures hates bicyclists just as much as humans do. In fact, I should point out that this isn’t even the opening salvo in the kangaroos crusade against bicyclists. That came earlier this year, when the same publication reported a kangaroo righteously defending his territory from an invading bicyclist rollicking through his front yard at 5:30 in the goddamn morning. No wonder kangaroos hate these fuckers. Absolutely no respect for anyone or anything.

Listen, bicyclists. You brought this on yourselves. If you don’t even respect kangaroos enough to let them get a good night’s sleep in their own habitat, you really can’t be too surprised when the kangapocalypse is upon you. The kangaroos left this guy alone because they saw his camera. They wanted to send a message. Whether that message is a warning or a declaration of war…well, that’s up to the bicyclists.

h/t reader Ernest

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Donald Trump Declaring That He Will “Never Ever Ride A Bicycle” Has Me Feeling Pretty Conflicted

ben

[RealClearPolitics] DONALD TRUMP: How would you like to be Israel right now? They relied on us. They’re a voice of sanity. They’re great people. And we have a deal that is so incompetent, so bad. Think of the deal. We make a deal, our chief negotiator goes into a bicycle race at 73 years old, he falls he breaks his leg. That was the good part of our deal. That was the only thing that happened. No, think about it. I told people last week. I swear to you I will never ever ride a bicycle, at least in a race, but I won’t ride one anyway.

This is a real tough one for me. On the one hand, Donald Trump is clearly a lunatic. On the other hand, we at the Anti-Bicyclist lobby haven’t had a candidate we can truly rally around since FDR, and that’s pretty much only because he was physically incapable of riding a bicycle. I mean, let’s take a look at our most recent presidents, shall we?

obama bike

dubyabike

clint

ghw

reagan

jc

ford

nixon

All the way back to Nixon! And I could go further! But the thought of seeing Grover Cleveland on a penny-farthing bicycle is enough to make me want to puke my guts out.

So you understand my dilemma. While I don’t at all like the thought of endorsing someone as crude and possibly insane as Donald Trump, I also feel like we’ve had an unbroken run of bicyclist presidents running basically back to the day that infernal contraption was invented. Isn’t it about time we did something about that? Isn’t it about time we had a President who will stand up to these pedal jockeys? Isn’t it about time we elected a man who isn’t afraid to grab them by their spandex waistlines, tell them “enough is enough,” and dish out the wedgie of justice?

Listen, I’m not endorsing Donald Trump. But I’m definitely making eyes at him across the room. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you read between the lines in the book of Revelation, Donald Trump is probably mentioned pretty prominently. But apocalypse be damned, he’s one “Donald Trump Dynamites Bike Rack Outside Trump Tower” headline away from me being fully in the tank for him.

PS. Yeah apparently that really is little baby Gerald Ford. Whatever. I’ve always said youth is no excuse and I’m sure as hell not backing down now.

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Cab Driver Expresses Frustration With Bicyclist, Bicyclist Reacts Completely Reasonably By Cutting Him Off And Sitting On His Car Until Police Arrive

Angry bicyclist jumps on the hood of the car he cut off.

[Metro] Maybe one day cyclists and drivers will get on. Until then, we give you this latest piece of road rage.

An irate cyclist climbed on top of a taxi after he claimed to have been sworn at by the driver. Pictures emerged yesterday showing the man clamber on the bonnet and sit there until police came to take him off. The incident unfolded on the Mall near Buckingham Palace.

Police were quick to intervene. One witness, who asked not to be named, said: ‘I was in my car waiting to cross at the lights when I saw the cyclist cut right in front of the taxi.

‘He jumped off his bike – leaving it directly in the driver’s path – and climbed onto the bonnet.’

Well, I can’t fault the bicyclist for this one. How many times have you had a disagreement with someone and settled it by planting your ass on the hood of their car and refusing to move until the police take you away? We’ve all be there. It’s basically Arguing 101 at this point. Get sworn at, stop traffic. It’s only logical.

I mean honestly, what else was he supposed to do? Just move on? Get over it? Extend a finger? Maybe yell back with some harsh words of his own? Fuck no. That’s all loser talk. Real men take DECISIVE action when someone mildly insults them for (I can only assume) riding their bike like a complete asshole. And nothing proves that you’re the big swinging dick in the neighborhood like sitting on a car and refusing to move!

So I give this bicyclist a big A+ not just for what he did, but for where he did it. Right outside of Buckingham Palace? Oh Bikey, you sly dog. I know what you’re up to. And frankly, it’s a good thing the police intervened where they did. What if Kate Middleton had happened to look out a window just then? We ALL know nothing gets the royal panties wetter than a man in spandex causing an uproar on a busy street. No doubt she would have been instantly overcome with lust, and then we’d have had a REAL scandal on our hands.

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No Headline Has Ever Surprised Me Less Than “Gun-Toting Bicyclist Arrested With Drugs”

gunbike

[KXXV] WACO – A man is in jail after running from authorities following a bicycle traffic stop.

Police say they pulled the man over around 2:15 Tuesday morning in the 2100 block of Dutton Ave. because he was riding his bike on the wrong side of the road. When officers approached the suspect, he took of running.

According to police, the man reached towards his pant leg multiple times before jumping a fence. An officer caught up to the man and used a stun gun fearing for his own safety.

Police found a gun and a small amount of drugs on the suspect. He’s now in the McLennan County jail.

At this point I’d be more surprised if I can into a bicyclist and he DIDN’T threaten me with a gun while high on mescaline. I mean, what can you really say about this guy? If you asked me to invent a generic headline for a potential blog, “Gun-Toting Bicyclist Arrested With Drugs” is exactly what I would have come up with. It’s perfect. Almost TOO perfect.

We all know that bicyclists are a roving cabal of lawless sociopaths, but I’d appreciate a little creativity at this point. You can’t just run around with drugs and guns and get arrested. That’s not exciting. That’s just par for the bicyclist course. I mean, at LEAST try to eat the drugs before the police get to you. Throw the gun off a bridge or hide it in a baby’s stroller. SOMETHING. The only thing worse than a lawbreaker is a boring, predictable lawbreaker, and this guy might as well have answered the casting call for Typical Bicyclist #7.

Of course, the real hilarious part of this story is the fact that he hopped off his bike and attempted to flee on foot. That’s the best thing about these bicyclists. When push comes to shove, they can’t even stand by their own convictions. “Bicycles are the only mode of transportation anyone could ever possibly need!” they cry. But the second it starts to drizzle they go running for their cars. The minute they have to cross a little “ocean,” they trade in their spandex for plane tickets. And the minute the cops are hot on their trail, that bike gets tossed on the side of the road like a crumpled up McDonald’s wrapper. Just stand by your principles for me ONE TIME, hypocrites.

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The Best Bicycle Crash Of All Time Is Here, So The Rest Of You Might As Well Stop Bicycling (Seriously, Stop)

[Vice Sports] Irish cyclist Matt Brammeier suffered multiple injuries on Saturday when he lost control of his bike and slammed into a moving car at a hairpin turn called Guardsman Pass in the Tour of Utah. The steep turn is already treacherous, but the addition of team cars whizzing around alongside the cyclists makes this a disaster waiting to happen. Brammeier clearly lost control of his bike, and who knows where he would have wound up if he hadn’t hit the car, but he did hit the car and it was ugly.

I know I’m late on this one. I’ve seen this video posted here, there, and all over this land. And I’ve let you down, dear readers. No need to make excuses for me–we all know it’s true. I’ve been busy. I’ve been away. I’ve been lax in my duties. But I think Bender Bending Rodriguez said it best…

I’m back baby! Here to make my triumphant return! And oh, what a return it is. I simply cannot imagine a better “welcome back” gift than this video here. You might look at it and see a simple bicycle wreck, but I see so much more. There’s so much to go into here that I think it bears a full breakdown.

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0:20: Our boy absolutely FLIES into the frame going about five times as fast as anyone before him. Slow down for a sharp turn? Not on this guy’s life! Literally, not on his life, as he is probably about to die.

bike2

0:20: Less than a second has elapsed, but our valiant hero has finally decided that now is the opportune time to apply the brake. Look at that back tire fly off the ground! Will it be too little, too late? Will he manage to right himself? The suspense is killing me!

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0:21: NOPE! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! I’ll be honest, I did feel a little bit bad here. I mean the sound he makes when he smacks into the car…have you ever seen The Return of the Jedi? It reminds me of the sound effect when the Ewok smacks that poor Stormtrooper with a log. Just brutal.

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0:23: Dishrag. Just an absolute wet dishrag lying on the road. Not a good look for anyone, let alone a professional bicyclist. It’s good that the car behind him had the presence of mind to stop, but if it were me I might rather they just run me over and put me out of my fucking misery. I mean, is there ever going to be a time in your life when this isn’t what you’re known for? You blew up on Twitter as Bike Guy Who Got His Spine Caved In By A Car. There’s no coming back from that.

0:24: “That guy’s hurt.” Smart take, video guy. Smart take. I think this is secretly the best part of the video. It’s just the PERFECT level of understatement. Beautiful in its own way. I want this man to narrate my life.

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0:28: “Oh shit, should I stop and help that guy?”

bike6

0:29: “…nahhh.” The callousness of bicyclists is truly a sight to behold. This guy is the only one I’ll specifically highlight (because he had the misfortune of being first), but it’s worth noting that not a single bicyclist stopped to help this man whose spine was clearly just mashed into jelly. Not only that, I don’t think anyone even really slowed down. But I guess that’s just the bicyclist mantra: hear no, see no, speak no thing that doesn’t directly affect me and my selfish bicyclist life.

bike7

0:34: Honest to God, there are eight support vehicles in this frame. EIGHT! I know bicycle races have support vehicles that stay near the riders, but this seems like an outrageous amount of overkill. Have we even seen eight total bicyclists yet? Is this actually a motor vehicle race that the bicyclists are just disrupting? Actually…this is starting to make a lot of sense.

bike8

0:37: “Slow down everyone, slow down! Slow down, or who knows what could–”

bike9

0:38: oh no

see

you should

yeah

you should have slowed down there

bike10

0:44: I gotta give this guy credit though. He knows what he did. He knows he fucked up. That’s the resigned look of a man who knows that he has made his bed, and now he must lie in it.

bike11

0:49: Seriously, I can’t get enough of this guy. I wish I could bottle that despair and put it in my coffee every morning. The best part is that nobody even cares about him because that other guy is still lying dead on the ground. It’s like when your girlfriend dumps you, and you go to your friend for sympathy only to find out that their grandma just died. Nobody cares about you or your problems anymore, bike guy. You just got tragedy trumped.

Well, there you have it. A blow-by-blow breakdown of the greatest video to hit the internet in quite some time. You might remember the bus video. Or the slap fight video. But I feel pretty confident when I say that this one beats them both. Whether it’s the initial impact, the quiet, understated genius of the videographer, or the two-birds-with-one-stone glory that is the second accident, this is a thrill-a-minute blockbuster as far as I’m concerned. I’ve watched it about 95 times in the last week or so and I’m not sure I’ll ever get sick of it.

PS. He’s alive and somehow didn’t liquefy his entire spine so if you were thinking about feeling guilty for laughing, don’t bother (also, this may not be the blog for you).

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The Noble Moose Is The Latest Of Mother Nature’s Beasts To Take A Brave Stand Against Bicyclists

moosealert

A bicyclist is recovering from a broken arm after colliding with a mother moose. The Bozeman Daily Chronicle reports Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks spokeswoman Andrea Jones says signage has been posted warning people about the moose, but that she has likely moved on.

The moose and 30-year-old Brian Steddum collided helmet to nose Sunday night after Steddum says he came around a corner on the Bozeman Creek Trail and saw the animal with her calf.

Steddum says he fell, took a kick to the hip, then got back on his bike and fled. An x-ray taken at the hospital shows the ulna bone in his forearm snapped in half. Steddum says he feels lucky it wasn’t worse.

Snapped in HALF? Jesus Christ, man. I’m no fan of bicyclists but I can only imagine what this guy must have done to that poor moose. Did he run over the moose’s calf or something? Did he kill the moose’s mother? As someone born and raised in New Hampshire, I was taught to have a healthy respect for the noble moose. Don’t cross a moose. Don’t agitate it. Definitely don’t hit it with your car. And as always, what you shouldn’t hit with your car, you definitely shouldn’t hit with your bicycle.

I can’t help but wonder why they’re putting up signs to warn people about the moose. Seems to me like all the moose did was stand there minding him own business while some psychotic bicyclist rocketed around the corner and slammed into him at full speed. If anything there should be signs up to warn innocent moose about these crazy bicyclists. Who knows the kind of psychological damage that could stem from some poor baby moose watching his mother or father get repeatedly slammed into by crazy bicyclists in their lycra uniforms and slick, aerodynamic helmets, looking nothing so much like a cadre of colorful magic penises hurtling towards an inevitable doom? It would scar me, and I’m a human being capable of rational thought. I can only imagine the sort of damage it does to a moose calf.

Typical bicyclists. Always claiming to be on the side of nature and mother earth, but in reality they’re just a bunch of idiots attacking innocent wild animals and scarring their children for life. For shame bicyclists, for shame.

(image source)

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Wanna See A Bicyclist Run A Red Light And Plow Straight Into The Side Of A Bus? Of Course You Do

[Manchester Evening News] This shocking footage shows the moment that a Manchester cyclist rode through a red traffic light – and straight into the side of the bus.

The video shows the cyclist riding up to the traffic lights in the city centre and gliding through a red light before colliding head-on with the side of a double-decker bus and coming off his bike.

There really isn’t much to say here, I just thought it might be nice to pass along this wonderful video that a reader sent me. Nothing wakes me up faster than seeing a dipshit bicyclist blindly sail into an intersection only to be annihilated by traffic. Because the best part isn’t that he got hit by a bus–there’s far too much potential for tragedy to enjoy watching someone get blindsided by any sort of vehicle. No, he plowed directly into the side of the bus. Did he not notice it was there? Did he think it was going to get out of the way? Did he simply refuse to apply the brakes out of pure, stubborn, idiot bicyclist principle? We may never know. What I DO know is that this video made my day, and hopefully yours too.

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Bicyclists Officially Declare Themselves Enemies Of Beer, Stage The Most Pathetic Vehicular Assault Of All Time

[Fittish] On Saturday, May 23, Minneapolis-based haters of the 16-seat drinker-powered mobile pubs could contain their loathing no longer, posting a call on the local“I hate the Pedal Pub” Facebook page for fellow haters to meet at a local park at 1 p.m. with bikes, squirt guns and water balloons. They would then go all Mad Max on some unsuspecting PedalPubs. Trouble is, since Facebook is a public forum, PedalPub warned Minneapolis police about the planned malfeasance.

Nothing happened at 1 p.m., but later in the afternoon, some cyclists rolled up on a PedalPub, squirted a pilot in the face, sprayed a second beer-buggy driver and hit a female pedaler with a water balloon, and were approaching a third mobile bar when the beer-fueled passengers of that third jitney jumped off their stools and went all police-state on the unsuspecting PedalPub haters. Or rather, off-duty police state. Six of the pedaling suds guzzlers just happened to be off-duty cops from Burnsville, a suburb of Minneapolis. They were able to get into situation mode very quickly, as this Youtube video shows:

Minneapolis police, the on-duty ones, arrested six people in the fracas: Five of them were water-armed cyclists; the other miscreant was not identified. All six will have their day in court on June 4th.

Comments on the Star Tribune article and on the I Hate the Pedal Pub Facebook page are vitriolic in the extreme, revealing what a hot-button issue PedalPubs truly are. Clearly, this war has just begun.

You might think that this is a tough issue for me to choose sides on, but you’d be wrong. “But Falco,” I can hear you saying, “Pedal Pubs are basically giant bicycles! Aren’t they just as bad as regular bikes?” Maybe. You might be right. But the fact is, I’m always going to come down on the side of beer. It’s just who I am. It’s in my nature. And I simply can’t stand idly by while respectable, beer-serving establishments are attacked (however pathetically) by roving bands of bicyclist raiders.

Talk about your all-time stupid bicyclist moves though. “Hey, what if we stage a highly illegal attack on a place of business and plan and organize the entire thing on a public Facebook page! Surely this will in no way backfire!” The fact that the Pedal Pub was filled with off duty cops is just the absolute kicker, too. It’s so perfect. Never has justice been served so swiftly and so deservedly. I mean, how empowering must it have felt to see a bunch of lycra-layered lunatics lurching towards you with squirt guns and water balloons and just be able to jump into action and bust their asses into the ground? God, I want that feeling. I bet it’s better than sex. I’d go celibate for a year for the chance to blindside a bunch of bikefucks and bust them back to the stone age.

PS. Let’s cool it with the Mad Max comparisons here though. I know I’ve used the analogy before when talking about these roving bicyclist cabals, but usually they at least have the decency to be actual thugs carrying actual weapons. These morons ran around with couple of water pistols while basically announcing to the entire world exactly what they were going to do. In a Mad Max apocalypse, these idiots would wind up chained to a Harley-riding wasteland warrior wearing a pair of assless chaps in ten minutes flat.

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