Dumbass Bicyclist Can’t Tell The Difference Between A Log And An Alligator, Almost Pays The Price

[Earth Touch News] This cyclist (who sounds a bit like someone you might know) is just sick and tired of people putting logs in his paa… Oh wait, that’s not a log. 

As far as unfazed reactions to reptilian roadblocks go, this one ranks right up there with the Australian tour guide who ushered two crocodiles off the road with little more than the power of politeness.

Look, I know, it’s not an exciting video. The alligator doesn’t even snap at him (no doubt because he knows that bicyclists just aren’t worth the headache). Just gives him the cold shoulder and side-eyes him the whole way past. That’s fine. I would expect no less from one of mother nature’s most majestic and noble creatures.

The real story here is this idiot’s commentary. He’s just so sick of people putting logs in the middle of his bike paths! Because that’s what people do, they just run around with logs, leaving them in the way of unsuspecting bicyclists. God knows we have nothing better to do than lug a giant hunk of wood into the middle of fuck-all nowhere and leave it there to mildly inconvenience a couple of bicyclists.

Has there ever been a more clear example of how bicyclists think the world revolves around them? For a group of people who so widely consider themselves environmentalists, they have no concept of how nature works. Everything is always a giant conspiracy out to get them, whether it’s traffic laws, drug laws, right of way laws, or goddamn mother nature herself.

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Does It Get Any More Pathetic Than A Bicyclist Losing A Fight To A Kite?


[Coconuts Hong Kong] A woman has been left shaken and scarred after being sliced by the string of a “stunt kite” in Tai Po this weekend.

The incident reportedly occurred at around 6pm on Saturday, near Plover Cove Main Dam. Speaking to Oriental Daily, the woman, surnamed Lam, recalls cycling towards Tai Mei Tuk with her front and rear bicycle lights on. She said she clearly remembers seeing a white-shirted man, accompanied another man and a child, flying a huge kite which then fell and struck her off her bicycle. 

After Lam had fallen from the accident, the man in the white shirt apparently rushed to pull her up and said “Could you not report this to the police? I will pay for your medical fees”, but after seeing she was woozy from shock, he said “I wasn’t the person flying the kite, that man already left. I’m just here to help you report this to the police”.

The scar on this lady’s neck looks pretty nasty and I can’t imagine it would be much fun to get clotheslined out of nowhere. But regardless of the circumstances, don’t you kind of have to give up on life once you lose a fight to a fucking KITE? You know, kites. Those things that little kids fly until they’re old enough to realize that standing in one place while a stupid piece of plastic with some colorful flaps on it flies around in the air for five seconds before crashing down to earth isn’t actually fun.

How the fuck did kites ever become a thing, anyway? I guess I can understand them a century or two ago, when watching some colors flap around in the sky was probably a welcome distraction from watching your family slowly starve to death in the Dust Bowl. Plus Ben Franklin had to get that key up in the sky somehow (thanks for that one B, without you we wouldn’t have computers and therefore internet porn). But now? I don’t get it. Kites should have died out the second television became a thing. Who has time to run to the park and fly a kite when there are so many yet-unwatched shows on Netflix? I just don’t understand.

Anyway, that’s all to say that the only people who still fly kites are these dipshit hipsters with their dipshit “stunt kites” running around and ruining everyone’s day in the park. And you can’t get taken down by one of them. You just can’t. It’s more than embarrassing, it’s downright dehumanizing. Getting beat up by a kite is just about the most humiliating thing I can even think of, so it makes complete sense that it would happen to a bicyclist. They attract shame like moths to a flame.

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I Bet You Thought Those Inflatable Bike Helmets Were Pretty Stupid, Didn’t You? Well Guess What, You Were Right!

Screen Shot 2015-11-18 at 9.11.46 AM.png

[Cycling Weekly – Link to Instagram Video] True to the claim that the helmet will deploy at speed, this one went off as a man put on his coat in a shop. The Hövding Airbag helmet was released to much speculation earlier this year, with many questioning if it was the solution for those not wanting to wear a conventional bicycle helmet.

“Hövding should only be activated when you are cycling,” said Anna Katarina Skogh, Hövding’s Marketing Director, in response to the jacket activated helmet.

“The cyclist in the film unfortunately had it activated also off the bike. His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation. The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation. Shortly after the inflation we helped him with a replacement so he could continue enjoying the superior protection Hövding offers while cycling.”

Hey, remember those inflatable helmet airbags that bicyclists started strapping to their heads way back in 2012? I bet you thought those were pretty stupid right? Well it turns out you were right!

Just because I really like having the opportunity to pat myself on the back, let’s take a look at what I wrote way back in 2012, when these monstrosities first began to appear at the lunatic fringe of the bicycling internet:

I love that the “trigger mechanism is controlled by sensors which pick up the abnormal movements of a bicyclist.” I can’t wait for the first douchebag bicyclist to lean forward to flip off a motorist and wind up flipped over the handlebars trying to claw the plastic off his face before he fucking suffocates.

Well hot damn! I’m not gonna claim to be 100% right on this one, but I’d say I came pretty fucking close to nailing it. This guy is just lucky he wasn’t actually on his bike when this thing went off or the shock would surely have sent him careening into traffic. That is, if he wasn’t already right in the middle of traffic, which, for a bicyclist dumb enough to wear one of these inflatable deathtraps, is admittedly a pretty big “if.”

I mean can you imagine being the sort of person willing to wear a compressed plastic bag that could inflate over your face at any time? I’ll give them this at least: the “helmet” appeared in the right place. I would have bet quite a bit of money against that, so at least they got that part right. But uh, having this thing explode into action anytime you move your arms a little bit to put your jacket on seems like kind of a problem, no? I love this quote:

His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation.

Right, because usually when someone is in the middle of a horrific bike accident, the first thing they do is put on their jacket. A+ job on the movement detection there, guys!

PS. “The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation.” Oh, so not correctly at all, then.

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Did You Hear The One About The Bicyclist Who Tried To Kidnap A 15-Year-Old Girl?


[The Register-Guard] A man on a bicycle harassed a 15-year-old girl Monday north of the Owosso Bridge, Eugene police said.

Officers said the man, possibly in his early 40s, attempted to talk to the girl and repeatedly grabbed her arm, saying she needed to go with him. The girl pulled her arm away and ran, and saw the man riding south toward Marist High School, police said.

The incident occurred near the 4300 block of Goodpasture Loop shortly before 5:30 p.m., police said. The man was described as wearing a black Columbia-style windbreaker, black T-shirt, dark blue jeans, and white and blue Nike shoes. The bicycle was described as a black road bike with thin tires and straight handlebars, with a black bag on the back.

Anyone with information is asked to call police at 541-682-5111.

So, obviously there’s nothing funny about an attempted kidnapping of any kind, much less of a minor. We can all agree on that. But at the same time, this whole thing is pretty funny right?

When you get right down to it, this is just another example of a bicyclist getting a shitty idea and acting on it without bothering to give it so much as a second of critical thought. I mean, who tries to kidnap someone on a bike? Isn’t having a van (or at least a car), like, Kidnapping 101? Again, I’m not claiming to have any sort of great criminal mind, but it really seems like day one stuff to me.

I honestly can’t think of anything dumber than trying to kidnap someone on a bike. Even kidnapping someone on horseback somehow seems smarter. But that’s the bicyclist way. They don’t think their actions ever have consequences, so this guy clearly just assumed things would find a way to work out. Typical sociopath. Typical bicyclist.

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Does This Look Like The Face Of A Bicyclist Arrested For Impersonating A Police Officer?


[WIBX 950] A Lockport man was arrested, charged with impersonating a state trooper.

46-Year-old Richard Godfrey was taken into custody after residents called 911 when a man on a bicycle knocked on their door, identified himself as a trooper, and asked for help.

He left the house and is accused of then becoming combative.  According to a written release from New York State Police, Godfrey allegedly threatening to harm the actual troopers when they caught up with him. Godfrey is facing the following charges:

  • Criminal Impersonation (first degree, a felony)
  • Resisting Arrest
  • Harassment (second degree)

Listen, I admit that I don’t have a particularly well-developed criminal mind. I’ve spent my life obeying the rules. Stop at stop signs. Maintain the flow of traffic. Don’t go the wrong way down one-way streets. Bicyclists don’t have these limitations. It would never occur to me to try to impersonate a police officer and force my way into someone’s home. It just wouldn’t enter my head. But I can definitely see how a bicyclist who has been conditioned to flaunt authority for his entire life can think up crimes that are just beyond my imagination.

Still, I have to think that if I DID decide to impersonate a police officer, the very first step I would take would probably be something along the lines of “don’t look like a crazy psychopath.” I mean, holy shit! Look at that death glare! That crazy hair! Those cold, lifeless eyes! And I’m not even trying to make a value judgment here. This guy might be the nicest guy in the world in his personal life. Maybe he just made one big mistake (two, actually: his first mistake was getting on a bicycle in the first place). But I am saying that this guy could be handing out free tickets to fuck Candice Swanepoel and I STILL wouldn’t open the door for him. Everyone involved in this situation needed to make better choices. Shape up, New York.

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Serious Question: Does It Even Count As Assault If You Give The Guy 10 Seconds To Get Out Of The Way Of Your Fist?

Bicyclist Gets Punched

[The Evening Standard – Click link for video] This is the moment a cyclist was punched in the face after confronting a motorist who nearly knocked him off his bike.

The 47-year-old man had been riding his bicycle along Ripple Street, Barking at around 6pm on Sunday, October 4, when the suspect allegedly drove past in a silver Audi A4, narrowly missing the cyclist before parking outside a grocery shop.

As the suspect got out of his car, the cyclist approached him and questioned him about his driving, police said. 

The driver went into a greengrocers and the cyclist waited outside for him to come out. When he did, he punched the cyclist three times in the face, knocking him to the ground, before running off down King Edwards Road.

Okay, so I obviously don’t condone physical violence against bicyclists. But we can all agree that the bicyclist playing the victim card here is ridiculous, right?

I mean first off, this bicyclist stalked the dude all the way to the grocery store and waited outside like a psychopath. I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that the dude thought his safety was being threatened and reacted appropriately.

But more importantly, how can you even call this assault? I’ve watched that video at least 45 times and I swear every single time I expect the bicyclist to move out of the way. How the fuck do you just let yourself get clocked in the face like that? In the amount of time it took the guy to wind up for that punch, that bicyclist could have literally built a brick wall between them. He could have biked to the hardware store, bought a sack of bricks, mixed a batch of cement, read a book on how to build a brick wall, and then built it. I’ve never seen a person take so long to wind up for a punch. He put his entire body weight into it. He telegraphed exactly what he was doing and where it was going to go. And the bicyclist still couldn’t get out of the way.

It’s just the latest chapter in the saga of bicyclists not living on the same planet as the rest of us. It didn’t even enter this guy’s brain that he might get punched. Nowhere in the course of him formulating a plan that involved stalking a stranger and cornering them outside a grocery store did it occur to this lunatic that things might get physical. Even when the guy hauled back for the punch, I’m pretty sure the bicyclist just thought he was falling over. “By golly,” he no doubt thought to himself, “the sheer force of my argument has incapacitated this fellow and knocked him to the ground! What a perfect specimen of humanity I am!”

As I always say, I don’t endorse punching bicyclists. But that doesn’t mean I feel any sympathy, either.

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Hey Philadelphia, How Would You Like To Spend A Million Taxpayer Dollars On A Bike Race? No? Well Too Fucking Bad!


[Philadelphia Inquirer] After 30 years of being largely privately financed, the professional bike race that features the Manayunk Wall was formally taken over by the city, which assumed its financial liabilities.

The cost to taxpayers? So far, $1.029 million – about $600,000 spent for this year’s race and an additional $400,000-plus rolled over to cover the expenses for the June 5, 2016, race.

That commitment is five times the tab to taxpayers in 2014 when the race was in private hands. The previous year, promoters ran it with no taxpayer help.

Can I ask a serious question? How the fuck can a bike race possibly cost $600,000? If you handed me $600,000 and told me to plan a bike race while actively trying to spend as much money as possible, I think I MIGHT be able to spend $100 (that’s $20 for bottled water and $80 for Valium). Maybe $10 here or there to buy some caution tape and a finish line ribbon and an extra 50¢ or so to print out numbers for the riders. That’s seriously it. To spend $600,000, I’d have to plan a bike race, then buy myself a Lamborghini and have it shipped to Mars.

Of course, as usual, the bicyclists don’t care at all. As is typical for them, they simply do whatever they want and pass the consequences onto the average citizen. Whether they’re actively blocking traffic, killing war hero combat dogs, running down pedestrians on the sidewalk, or wasting over a million taxpayer dollars, they don’t care about how they make you suffer. They just don’t care at all. And why should they? When their “privately funded” bike race couldn’t carry on any longer, the government stepped in a volunteered to foot the bill. Even when bicyclists completely fail in their useless endeavors, someone is standing by to bail them out.

It’s clear that bicyclists have infiltrated the highest levels of city government in Philadelphia. Frankly, if I lived there, I’d get out while I still can. Because mark my words, if this trend is allowed to continue, it’s only a matter of time before the entire city budget is being funneled straight into the pockets of the bicyclist lobby. Do you want to live in a city where every day is one giant bike race? Where an endless horde of lawless, spandex-clad spokesters terrorize the streets? I know I wouldn’t. If you choose to stay, I respect your bravery. But I can’t be held responsible for what might happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(image source)

h/t to reader Doug for the story

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