Did You Hear The One About The Bicyclist Who Tried To Kidnap A 15-Year-Old Girl?


[The Register-Guard] A man on a bicycle harassed a 15-year-old girl Monday north of the Owosso Bridge, Eugene police said.

Officers said the man, possibly in his early 40s, attempted to talk to the girl and repeatedly grabbed her arm, saying she needed to go with him. The girl pulled her arm away and ran, and saw the man riding south toward Marist High School, police said.

The incident occurred near the 4300 block of Goodpasture Loop shortly before 5:30 p.m., police said. The man was described as wearing a black Columbia-style windbreaker, black T-shirt, dark blue jeans, and white and blue Nike shoes. The bicycle was described as a black road bike with thin tires and straight handlebars, with a black bag on the back.

Anyone with information is asked to call police at 541-682-5111.

So, obviously there’s nothing funny about an attempted kidnapping of any kind, much less of a minor. We can all agree on that. But at the same time, this whole thing is pretty funny right?

When you get right down to it, this is just another example of a bicyclist getting a shitty idea and acting on it without bothering to give it so much as a second of critical thought. I mean, who tries to kidnap someone on a bike? Isn’t having a van (or at least a car), like, Kidnapping 101? Again, I’m not claiming to have any sort of great criminal mind, but it really seems like day one stuff to me.

I honestly can’t think of anything dumber than trying to kidnap someone on a bike. Even kidnapping someone on horseback somehow seems smarter. But that’s the bicyclist way. They don’t think their actions ever have consequences, so this guy clearly just assumed things would find a way to work out. Typical sociopath. Typical bicyclist.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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