The COVID-19 Pandemic Has Officially Broken The Bicyclist Community

Image source: https://pixabay.com/photos/covid–19-bike-virus-corona-mask-5135086/

[Wall Street Journal] [NAME REDACTED] used to consider cycling to work at a Toronto, Canada, ad agency every day as part of his identity. He would share harrowing tales of cars cutting him off and him screaming at drivers.

Then his workplace shrank to his apartment. “One morning I woke up and said something has got to give,” he said. He rode his bike from his bedroom to his living room, which was about 7 feet away.

Now, he showers, dresses, and leaves his house by 8 a.m. for a regular make-believe commute. “I go for a walk around the block to psychologically trick myself that I’ve left the house for work,” he said.

Look, I’m not going to sit here and say that the last two years have been easy for any of us. They haven’t. And I’ll be the first to admit that working from home isn’t for everybody. Having a little separation between your work and home life can be a very good thing. But my goodness, the anti-remote-work propaganda coming out of the Wall Street Journal these days is truly something to behold. News flash, dickheads: 99.999% of people fucking HATE their commute. Even the people who ARE clamoring to go back to the office aren’t doing it because they just can’t wait to sit in traffic for an hour and fifteen minutes every morning.

It’s honestly insulting that the rich douchebags who run the Wall Street Journal don’t even respect the rest of us enough to come up with a believable reason for bringing people back to the office. Oh yeah, people love sitting in standstill traffic! They can’t fucking get enough of it! Please, boss, don’t deny me the pleasure of inhaling those sweet, sweet gasoline fumes! Where else but my daily commute can I get all the pleasure of idling my car in a closed garage with only half the amount of functional brain death?

Anyway, I digress. Would it shock you to learn that bicyclists factor heavily into the 0.001% of people who DO miss their commute? Reader, of course it wouldn’t. And I know I’ve spent a lot of time shitting on bicyclists over the years, but I am becoming genuinely concerned for their mental wellbeing. That excerpt up there reads like a cry for help. And it’s not from some local Podunk paper. This guy is so broken that not only does he think bicycling from his bedroom to his living room is a perfectly normal thing to do, he is proud to talk about it to the Wall Street fucking Journal! My dude, I would keep that shit under WRAPS.

I do appreciate that we are introduced to this guy by establishing his bicyclist bonafides. Does he consider being a bicyclist “part of his identity?” Check. Does he have a victim complex fueled by “harrowing tales” about sharing the road? Check. Does he take pride in “screaming at drivers?” Oh baby you KNOW that’s a check! With credentials like that, I have no choice but to assume that this guy is representative of the bicyclist community as a whole.

With that in mind, my closing message is this: bicyclists, don’t you DARE fuck this up for the rest of us. Working from home and eliminating my commute is more or less the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I get to play with my dog during the day. I don’t have to slam my face against the steering wheel in frustration every time someone refuses to make a right on red. I get to plop down on the couch squarely at 5:00 and cue up the next episode of Star Trek. If you take those things away from me simply because you have a pathological need to scream at drivers who, despite your interminable persecution complex, would actually rather NOT hit you with their cars, I will lose my goddamn mind.

Actually, maybe Toronto guy was onto something. The next time you need to feel like a victim, just ride your bike from the living room to the kitchen and try yelling at your goddamn toaster. I promise, it will be JUST as productive as yelling at a driver without any of the drawbacks like the rest of society hating your fucking guts. Just a thought. Just a thought.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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