I Decided To Research What Bicyclists Eat And What I Found Was Horrifying

bikeat

[The Guardian] Malt loaf is well known to cyclists as a perfect high-carb, low-fat snack. It’s a mystery to me that people love plums, but deride prunes. They are fantastic and shine in this recipe. The sugar and dried fruit provide a speedy dose of energy, but you also get slow-release carbohydrates from the sweet potato that are perfect for endurance. This loaf works just as well at home – toasted, buttered and partnered with a cup of tea.

Despite the fact that I hate bicyclists, I will admit to being fascinated by them. After all, what could possibly motivate a man (or woman) to squeeze himself into a skintight spandex outfit knowing full well that they are about to draw the ire of every motorist they encounter? What drives such a person?

So, when I saw an article in The Guardian titled “David Atherton’s recipe for cyclist’s malt loaf,” I decided I had to click on it. Frankly, the words “malt loaf” made me gag a little right off the bat, but I decided to be open minded. I stifled my vomit and forged ahead, determined to see what exactly bicyclists are stuffing into their bodies.

Friends, the results are terrifying. Let’s go through this thing ingredient by ingredient, shall we?

150g prunes

Right off the bat, we’re in big trouble. I didn’t know how much 150g was because I live in America, the greatest country on earth, so I looked it up. Folks, it’s nearly a cup and a half of prunes! This is the star ingredient? We’re leading with prunes? My goodness. Okay, let’s move on.

100g sweet potato

I have nothing to say here. Sweet potatoes are good and if you don’t agree you are wrong. Bicyclists may be the scourge of the earth, but broken clocks, etc, etc.

150g malt extract

I don’t know what this is but it sounds horrible. I’m imagining, like, the dregs of a really disgusting beer, and I see no reason to spend a moment Googling whether that impression is correct. So congratulations, bicyclists. You’re eating a shitloaf made from prunes and beer dregs. Moving on.

100ml prune juice

We are a mere four ingredients into this journey and this is the second time we are encountering prunes. What the absolute fuck is going on here, bicyclists? I thought we all agreed that prunes were a punchline, not a food. I thought that was decided years ago. Decades even. There is absolutely no excuse for having two different prune-related ingredients in your stupid bikeloaf. No one in the world likes prunes this much. Well, aside from Mr. Worf.

50g soft brown sugar
50g dark muscovado sugar

Two different types of sugar. I thought the whole thing with bicycling was that it was supposed to be healthy? But here we are, looking at undeniable evidence that bicyclists are nothing but hopeless sugar addicts. I thought the prunes were bad, but this is just getting sad.

50g porridge oats
70g strong white bread flour
140g plain flour

Now we’ve got two different types of flour? On TOP of oats? You know, in my day there was only one type of flour: flour. Now we’re just delving into the kind of hipster bullshit that today’s bicyclists are known for, and frankly it’s appalling. I refuse to spend another moment thinking about this.

¼ tsp salt
1½ tsp baking powder

Blah, blah, baking shit.

2 large eggs

I have been told throughout my life that eggs lead to bad cholesterol which leads to heart attacks. Are bicyclists promoting heart attacks? That’s certainly not for me to say, but the inclusion of two eggs immediately after recommending salt really makes you think. I’m just here to ask questions, folks.

Maple syrup to brush on top once cooked

Once again, these supposedly “healthy” fitness fiends recommend slathering this “meal” with sugar and sugar byproducts. And hey, look, I’m not here to slander maple syrup. I grew up in New Hampshire. I know exactly how fucking good maple syrup is. I don’t begrudge bicyclists for loving it because everyone should love it. I’m just saying that these assholes like to hang their hat on how good for you their chosen hobby is, and yet once again it’s sugar to the rescue. Well, I hope it’s worth it you goddamn hypocrites.

Look, I didn’t go into this determined to shit on bicyclists or their diet. I went into it genuinely curious about what motivates such a universally terrible group of people. I went into it hoping to learn a little more about what keeps them going (through red lights). But this…this is too much. This horrible loaf of sadness and shame simply cannot be what bicyclists eat. I have no choice to believe that The Guardian has pranked me, putting up a deliberately ridiculous recipe in the hopes that some poor sap will actually try to recreate it. I have to believe this, because the alternative is just to upsetting.

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81-Year-Old Bicyclist Rides Past Airport, Promptly Gets Blown the Fuck Away by Jet Engine

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[Sacramento Bee] An 81-year-old bicyclist is suing San Luis Obispo Regional Airport and the county after he says he was blown off his recumbent bicycle by the engine blast of a departing jet.

A complaint filed in San Luis Obispo Superior Court Friday alleges that San Luis Obispo resident [name redacted] was one of a group of riders who were “struck forcefully by the blast from an aircraft preparing to depart from the southeastern corner of the runway apron of the SLO Airport.”

The lawsuit does not pinpoint precisely where the incident occurred, but it states that [name] was riding south with a group of 14 other cyclists on Highway 227 on June 13, 2018. While passing the airport, the lead group of about eight riders were “knocked onto the ground and into the roadway, in the way of oncoming traffic, by the jet engine blast, the complaint says.

The gust knocked [name], who was riding a recumbent bike, to the ground “and spun his body and bike 180 degrees and onto the pavement of Highway 227 into the southbound lane of traffic, causing him severe injuries and damaging his bike and property,” the lawsuit reads.

If you can envision an 81-year-old man being blasted off his bike and spun through the air by a goddamn jet engine WITHOUT laughing your ass off, congratulations: you’re a better person than me.

Look, I don’t wish this old man harm. But if you can’t handle the consequences, there are certain risks you just shouldn’t take. If you don’t want to risk getting wet, you don’t hang around the pool. If you don’t want to risk falling, you don’t climb El Capitan. And if you don’t want to risk getting blown the fuck off your dipshit bicycle, you don’t pedal your ass past an active jetway.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t call attention to the fact that this guy isn’t just riding any old bicycle. No, he’s riding a “recumbent” bicycle. If, like me, you were unaware of what a recumbent bicycle is, allow me to enlighten you:

recumb

If you weren’t laughing before, you sure as hell better be now. It’s funny enough to imagine a regular bicyclist getting tossed around like Dorothy’s house in the tornado, but it’s even funnier to imagine it happening to someone in this weirdo Barcalounger contraption. Buddy…if you want to bicycle, go ahead and bicycle. I can’t stop you. But at least TRY to salvage a little dignity while you do it.

I know what you’re thinking. “Falco, you’ve told us time and time again: dignity isn’t in the bicyclist handbook.” You’re right. I’m right. But I just can’t stop myself from trying to help these poor bastards. If Darth Vader could be redeemed, there’s hope for all of us. I admit that, when it comes to bicyclists, it seems hopeless. But I can’t stop trying. I just care too much. It’s my burden, but I carry it so the rest of you don’t have to.

PS. I’m also entertained by the idea that this is just Mother Earth glaring down at this old man and saying “you spent 81 years pumping fossil fuels into my atmosphere and now that you’ve got one foot in the grave you care enough to start riding a bike? Enjoy the spin cycle, motherfucker.”

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Idiot Bicyclist Can’t Even Get The Old “Flaming Dog Poop On The Doorstep” Gag Right

[Winchester News Gazette] A Ring doorbell camera captured a bicyclist starting a fire outside her neighbor`s door before leaving the scene.

You probably think I’m going to say it’s bad to go around lighting fires on doorsteps. And don’t get me wrong. It is. You should not do it. I in no way endorse it.

But that said, the ol’ “put a bag of dog poop on the neighbor’s doorstep and light it on fire” gag is a classic! Who among us hasn’t done it? Well, okay, granted, I’ve never done it. But if there’s one thing I know about sitcoms it’s that they are an accurate representation of the real world, and it seems like there was a real epidemic of people pranking each other with flaming dog poop around the 80’s and 90’s, so I assume like 90% of people have done it.

Anyway, what makes the gag a classic is its simplicity. There are only, like, four steps:

  1. Acquire dog poop and put it in a bag.
  2. Put the bag on your victim’s doorstep.
  3. Light the bag on fire.
  4. Run away.

You get to light something on fire, and your neighbor gets their feet mashed into a pile poop. It’s perfect! As much as I think it’s wrong to light things on fire and leave them on someone’s doorstep, I’m totally willing to forgive someone for doing so in the name of a hilarious, classic prank.

And I guess that’s where this bicyclist went wrong. Step two? Nailed it. Step three? Perfectly executed. Step four? Well, the point of running away is to not be caught, but he couldn’t have known there was a camera on him so I’ll even check that box, too. But step one? Total whiff. Swing and a miss. It’s a real bummer, man.

Because, look, a 75% success rate is more than good enough for government work. It would be the best batting average in history. But the problem is that the 25% you skipped was the most important step. Without the poop, there’s no prank. There’s just you, setting fire to garbage on someone’s doorstep. Nobody’s shoes are getting covered in poop. And without the poop shoes, there is no comedy. It’s just mean. Mean and stupid.

But then again, “mean and stupid” is the bicyclist way. In a way, this failed prank perfectly encapsulates who they are. I almost respect this poor fool for embracing exactly the sort of idiot mentality that so many bicyclists run from. Do you, poopless prankster. Do you.

Posted in Criminals, Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Whether 20 Years Old or 90 Years Old, You Can Always Count On A Bicyclist To Dope

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[Deadspin] Last July, 90-year-old cyclist Carl Grove was the lone competitor in his age group at the U.S. Masters Track Championships, where he set an age-group world record in the individual pursuit with a time of 3:06:129. Sadly, Grove subsequently popped a positive for the banned steroid epitrenbolone in a drug test after the race. Now, even though the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency let Grove off with a public warning, he has been stripped of his world record.

Many people believe that I hate bicyclists. I suppose the name of this site would lend credence to that theory. But it isn’t true. The truth is, I love bicyclists. I want to help them. I’ve always said that I don’t support hurting bicyclists. I don’t support taking action against them. They are victims, victims of a terrible psychosis that leads them to believe that they cannot be hurt, that their actions have no consequences, that they can, nay, that they MUST be entitled to the entire road. Time and time again this mentality proves actively harmful to them, but they cannot shake it. Friends, the only conclusion I can draw is that bicyclists are deeply unwell people, and I feel their pain as if it were my own.

Stories like this really drive the point home. The bicyclist mentality is baked in deep–and the world of competitive bicycling is perhaps the greatest example. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a 20-year-old kid entering your first road race or a 90-year-old man looking to set a world record. When you enter the world of competitive bicycling, all roads lead to doping. No matter how pointless it may be in the end, no matter how sad and terrible the ramifications, they just can’t help themselves. They can’t!

Think about this poor guy. Think about Carl. He could be spending time with his grandkids. He could be telling stories about the good old days down at the local watering hole. He could be playing chess in the park (people do that in real life, right?), hustling youngsters with his buddy Larry who always gets him into trouble, but they’ve been friends for 60 years, so what are you gonna do, right?

Instead he’s cramming his body full of epitrenbolone and forcing it to pedal up hill after hill in pursuit of an accomplishment that he knows in his heart is ill-gotten and meaningless. Where is the satisfaction in this life, I ask you? Where is the pride?

I know not, dear reader. I know not where such a man finds his zen, but I do know that it is not to be found on the back of a bicycle.

Posted in Drugs, Professional Cyclists | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bicyclists Are Just Out There Punching Buses Now

bus.jpg

[York Mix] A cyclist punched and smashed a bus window as it went through York city centre. Now police have released a CCTV image of a man they want to talk to about the incident.

At about 5pm on December 20 a First York Bus with passengers on board was travelling over Ouse Bridge when a passing cyclist punched a window and smashed it.

No one on board was injured.

I’ve never accused bicyclists of being smart. Their continued disregard for their own personal safety clearly proves that they are not. No matter how many times one of them gets flattened by a car, they still feel empowered to fly through every red light, carefree and filled with the lunatic certainty that nothing can harm them.

And it’s one thing when it’s just cars. I mean, I’m taller than most cars. I guess if my mental faculties were somewhere around those of a third grader (which I imagine is true of most bicyclists), I might think that, since I’m taller than a car, it can’t hurt me. Biggest kid makes the rules. Might makes right. You know, all of that. It’s not accurate, but hey, if you’re a moron or a child, it makes a certain amount of sense.

But a bus? A fucking bus? You’re going to fight a fucking bus?

Consider boxing. Boxing is one of the most violent sports on earth. Just two people bashing each other’s brains in, round after round. Even the winning boxer usually comes away bruised, battered, and bleeding. Now consider that before a boxing match, there is a weigh-in to make sure that both boxers are below the agreed-upon weight. For the most part, this means that boxers are within a few pounds of each other when it’s time to fight. For instance, before the Mayweather/McGregor fight last year, Mayweather weighed in at 149.5 lbs, McGregor at 153 lbs. A pretty negligible difference.

Now further consider that the average bicyclist probably weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 175 lbs, while the average bus weights around 30,000 lbs. Most boxers won’t fight an opponent outside of their weight class. This dumb son of a bitch wants to fight a 10-foot-tall steel contraption that outweighs him by 29,825 lbs! Many would say that this is not a smart decision!

Look. I’m not a scientist. I don’t know much about mass and acceleration and relative speed. But I do know a few things. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. And you definitely don’t put your fist through the window of a fucking bus.  Buses kill hundreds of people a year ACCIDENTALLY, the last thing you want to do is give a 15-ton death machine capable of reducing you to a red smear on the pavement a reason to kill you INTENTIONALLY. Just one man’s opinion.

P.S. I do admit that I’m a little shook that a bicyclist could just casually smash a bus window. I’m not sure if this makes me a little bit afraid of this bicyclist or a little bit afraid to ride a bus now. Probably a little of column A, a little of column B.

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Bicyclist Armed With Switchblade Blocks Intersection Doing Wheelies On A Stolen Bike In A Story Straight Out Of Bicyclist MadLibs

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[MassLive] As Worcester police continue to combat swerving, the act of riding a bicycle in front of moving traffic, a 22-year-old was arrested over the weekend after a group rode in circles downtown. An officer was on his way to work a private detail at the Palladium on Sunday around 6 p.m. when he saw a large group of young people riding bikes in and out of traffic on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, police said in a statement.

“The officer was in his personal motor vehicle and had to slam on his brakes in order to avoid a collision with two of the youths that went directly in front of him,” the statement read. “The group was riding around in circles and executing ‘wheelies’ in the middle of the intersection through a full cycle of traffic lights,” police said. “Numerous vehicles were activating their horns and yelling out of the windows.”

“The detail officer was walking on the sidewalk from the front of the building and about to turn the corner when he was nearly struck by one of the males on a bike,” police said. “At this time the officer noticed a second male heading right at him on a bike. The officer reached out and grabbed the rider’s arm and forced him off his bike.”

The rider, Javier Amarat, of 82 Elm St., was known to the officer as one of the men who rides with a group that calls itself “bike life,” the statement said. Police discovered a spring-loaded 4-inch knife on Amarat. He was riding an ofo rental bike and police said the locking mechanism of the bike he was riding was “damaged beyond repair.”

Imagine, if you will, a bicyclist-themed MadLibs.

Today, a bicyclist decided to pop some ____(PLURAL NOUN)____ in the middle of traffic. He ___(VERB, PAST TENSE)___ an entire intersection on a ___(ADJECTIVE)___ bike. He was even carrying a ___(WEAPON)___! Luckily, a ___(ADJECTIVE)___ police officer was there to yank him off his bike. ___(NUMBER)___ cheers for the police!

If you said WHEELIES, BLOCKED, STOLEN, SWITCHBLADE, HEROIC, and THREE, congratulations! You’re the writer of this absolutely fucking ridiculous story!

Look, I’m not completely unreasonable. In a lot of cases, I’m even willing to meet bicyclists halfway. It’s true that there are plenty of streets where there just isn’t a ton of shoulder space for bicyclists to ride. It’s also true that drivers aren’t always as aware of bicyclists on the road as they should be. See? I can be understanding. I can be empathetic. I’m willing to hear out the other side.

But it’s shit like this that makes the pendulum swing so very, very far in the opposite direction. Bicyclists constantly complain about how dangerous the roads are for them, and how often negligent drivers run them down, and how absurd it is that the burden of safety falls on them when their spindly little aluminum contraptions are up against two-ton steel behemoths. And just when you’re about to open your mouth to say, well, sure, you may have a point there, they hold up one hand and say, “just a sec–I need to dart into traffic and cut off this truck.”

I mean, honestly. Circling an intersection and popping wheelies through and entire cycle of lights is not exactly what I would call “risk-averse behavior.” In fact, I’d go so far as to call it just plain stupid. Language like “idiot with a death wish” doesn’t seem out of place.

I didn’t even get to include the part of the article where the moron they arrested responded to every question with the name of bicyclist gang group, a group which claims it’s “just looking to put negativity aside and ride.” Sweet job, guys! You’re almost as good at vetting your members as Kevin Spacey’s agent! Or…wait, no, as any production company that hires Kevin Spacey! Shit, there’s a joke in there somewhere, come back to me, I’ll think of it.

Anyway I think it goes without saying that you should not, in fact, spend your day popping wheelies in the middle of an intersection, and you should especially not do that if the bike you’re riding is stolen and the weapon you’re carrying is illegal. All in all a pretty dumb confluence of circumstances for our bicyclist friend, here. But I guess that’s just par for the bicyclist course. When you assume that laws don’t apply to you, there’s no reason to give any behavior a second thought. In Freudian terms, bicyclists are all id. There’s no ego, no superego. Just 100% id, racing out there to seize the day.

In a weird way, I envy their freedom. If we could harness that raw, impulsive energy, we could probably change the world. Instead, we just have jails filled with unpredictable assholes who think intersections are a great place to practice wheelies. It’s a shame. It’s just such a damn shame.

 

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Watching A Bicyclist Get His Brains Bashed In By A Railroad Barrier Made Me Smile On This Rainy Thursday

[Leinster Leader] Delays were reported to Maynooth rail lines this afternoon, after a cyclist caused damage to a level crossing at Coolmine.

Iarnród Éireann‏ released footage of the cyclist trying to cross the level crossing before the barrier dropped, and ends up colliding with it. Delays of up to 30 minutes were reported at approximately 2:15pm as a result.

It’s raining outside. It’s a gloomy, gloomy day. It’s the middle of fall, and the days are getting shorter. It’s flu season, and a lot of people (myself included) are suffering from the sniffles. Baseball season is almost over. Cold and snow are just around the corner. All in all, it doesn’t feel like there’s much to look forward to these days, and it can make this time of year a little depressing.

That’s why it’s important that we treasure the little things. Little things like a bicyclist trying to duck under a descending railway barrier and getting his goddamn brains bashed in. It just brings a smile to your face, you know? Watch that video up there and try not to laugh, I dare you. Watch that dumb piece of shit fly into frame and immediately miscalculate his own height by about a foot and a half. It’s amazing. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart. After watching that video, I feel prepared to face the day. Who cares about rain? Who cares about darkness? Who cares about the looming winter and creeping inevitability of death? NOT ME! I’ve got a bicyclist breaking his face to watch!

PS. Am I thrilled to hear that a dumb fuck bicyclist managed to cause 30 minute train delays? I am not. In fact, if I was stuck in that backup, if I was 30 minutes late to work because some idiot had to try to sneak under a barrier, I’d be pretty fucking furious. But sometimes you just have to set those feelings aside and enjoy the simple pleasure of a bicyclist obliterating his own face.

Posted in Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments