Note To Bicyclists: Cutting Off The President’s Motorcade Is Probably Not The Best Idea

[TIME] A New York City bicyclist learned his lesson Thursday after he tried to ride a bicycle in front of President Barack Obama’s motorcade.

Video posted by Instagram user mattpeco shows a man on a Citibike bicycle attempting to ride through an intersection that police had blocked off, when a cop grabs him and forces him to the ground.

Another cop in a helmet roughly secures the man to the ground until a Secret Service agent walks over. President Obama’s motorcade rolls past shortly after, to applause.

Police say Provencio was issued a summons for disorderly conduct, according to the Daily News.

I know I say it all the time, but bicyclists really do think they are the most important people on the planet. You might think I’m joking when I say it. You might thing I’m exaggerating when I tell you that bicyclists think that heaven and earth should move before them. That our lives should all revolve around the whims of the bicyclist menace. But as Han Solo said, it’s true. All of it.

How else do you explain this piece of shit moron cutting off the president’s motorcade? I mean look, I’m all for inconveniencing politicians. They’re universally terrible. They all deserve whatever fate ultimately awaits them in hell. But it takes a special breed of idiotic narcissist to see streets completely blocked off, throngs of people crowding up against barriers, and police holding everyone back, and think, “that must be for me.”

So ultimately, I applaud the NYPD for doing what needs to be done. Sure, some people might think that slamming him to the ground is overkill, but spare the rod, spoil the child. God knows the bicyclists behave enough like spoiled children as it is. Hopefully this man can be an example to others of his kind. No, the streets are not blocked off for you. No, you are not allowed to go wherever you want just because you are on a bicycle. No, you are not more important than the president. No, the NYPD will not hesitate to break your face when you break the law. You know. The little lessons that keep society going.

PS. The fact that he’s on a Citibike is easily the best part of this story. He’s one of those bicyclist douchebags that can’t even spring for his own bicycle. Dude probably thinks the “Citibike” logo on the side of his dork machine is his key to the city. Talk about a rude awakening. Although if anything this guy is lucky. Sure, the NYPD were pretty rough with him, but I’m pretty sure the Secret Service would run him the fuck over without a second thought. Count your blessings, bikefuck.

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Been A While Since I Posted, Hasn’t It? Anyway, Here’s A Story About A Kangaroo Exploding A Bicyclist’s Fake Boobs


(AP) CANBERRA, Australia — A woman says she and a friend were injured when they were jumped by a kangaroo while cycling in an Australian wine region.

Sharon Heinrich, 45, said Monday that she and her friend Helen Salter, 47, were cycling side by side along a tourist route in the Clare Valley in South Australia state on Wednesday when she saw a large kangaroo standing on a slight rise. As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said. 

“I’ve gone to ride past, I thought: ‘He’s cute,’ and he’s just jumped me and taken out the side of me,” Heinrich said. “As I’m falling, I felt him push off me and then he’s flown to Helen and taken her out. He looked peaceful. He didn’t look angry,” she added.

Heinrich said she broke three ribs and will undergo surgery on Thursday to replace ruptured breast implants.

It’s been a long time since I posted, I know. Months, in fact. I’ve been busy. I’ve been overstretched. But sometimes you come across a story too good to pass up. And when I see a story about an Australian bicyclist getting her tits kicked off by an angry kangaroo, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just ignore it?

The kangaroos long ago declared their allegiance to the anti-bicyclist forces, and for that I am forever grateful. And while I don’t support the harming of breasts in any way, I can hardly blame the kangaroo for defending his turf. After all, aren’t these bicyclists the same ones who are usually all “rah rah save the earth”? They always want to protect the environment, protect the animals, but when it comes to it they have no problem rolling their psychotic death machines straight through some poor kangaroo’s territory. The poor guy was probably just protecting his young from being run the fuck over. In fact, in my mind he probably already lost four or five young’uns to previous bicyclists, so I can hardly blame him for being a little edgy.

My favorite part of this is the comment that he “looked peaceful.” Well of course. What could be more zen than sending a strong message to bicyclists everywhere? He probably had the same look on his face that I get every time I click “submit” on a new blog. Just a feeling of peace, like you’ve done something good in the world. Like I said, do I condone the exploding of bicyclist boobs? Of course not. But you can’t expect a kangaroo to adhere to the same level of morality that we non-bicyclists hold ourselves to. Sometimes a wild animal is just going to defend his turf against a roving horde of bicyclists, and I for one can’t blame them.

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Dumbass Bicyclist Can’t Tell The Difference Between A Log And An Alligator, Almost Pays The Price

[Earth Touch News] This cyclist (who sounds a bit like someone you might know) is just sick and tired of people putting logs in his paa… Oh wait, that’s not a log. 

As far as unfazed reactions to reptilian roadblocks go, this one ranks right up there with the Australian tour guide who ushered two crocodiles off the road with little more than the power of politeness.

Look, I know, it’s not an exciting video. The alligator doesn’t even snap at him (no doubt because he knows that bicyclists just aren’t worth the headache). Just gives him the cold shoulder and side-eyes him the whole way past. That’s fine. I would expect no less from one of mother nature’s most majestic and noble creatures.

The real story here is this idiot’s commentary. He’s just so sick of people putting logs in the middle of his bike paths! Because that’s what people do, they just run around with logs, leaving them in the way of unsuspecting bicyclists. God knows we have nothing better to do than lug a giant hunk of wood into the middle of fuck-all nowhere and leave it there to mildly inconvenience a couple of bicyclists.

Has there ever been a more clear example of how bicyclists think the world revolves around them? For a group of people who so widely consider themselves environmentalists, they have no concept of how nature works. Everything is always a giant conspiracy out to get them, whether it’s traffic laws, drug laws, right of way laws, or goddamn mother nature herself.

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Does It Get Any More Pathetic Than A Bicyclist Losing A Fight To A Kite?


[Coconuts Hong Kong] A woman has been left shaken and scarred after being sliced by the string of a “stunt kite” in Tai Po this weekend.

The incident reportedly occurred at around 6pm on Saturday, near Plover Cove Main Dam. Speaking to Oriental Daily, the woman, surnamed Lam, recalls cycling towards Tai Mei Tuk with her front and rear bicycle lights on. She said she clearly remembers seeing a white-shirted man, accompanied another man and a child, flying a huge kite which then fell and struck her off her bicycle. 

After Lam had fallen from the accident, the man in the white shirt apparently rushed to pull her up and said “Could you not report this to the police? I will pay for your medical fees”, but after seeing she was woozy from shock, he said “I wasn’t the person flying the kite, that man already left. I’m just here to help you report this to the police”.

The scar on this lady’s neck looks pretty nasty and I can’t imagine it would be much fun to get clotheslined out of nowhere. But regardless of the circumstances, don’t you kind of have to give up on life once you lose a fight to a fucking KITE? You know, kites. Those things that little kids fly until they’re old enough to realize that standing in one place while a stupid piece of plastic with some colorful flaps on it flies around in the air for five seconds before crashing down to earth isn’t actually fun.

How the fuck did kites ever become a thing, anyway? I guess I can understand them a century or two ago, when watching some colors flap around in the sky was probably a welcome distraction from watching your family slowly starve to death in the Dust Bowl. Plus Ben Franklin had to get that key up in the sky somehow (thanks for that one B, without you we wouldn’t have computers and therefore internet porn). But now? I don’t get it. Kites should have died out the second television became a thing. Who has time to run to the park and fly a kite when there are so many yet-unwatched shows on Netflix? I just don’t understand.

Anyway, that’s all to say that the only people who still fly kites are these dipshit hipsters with their dipshit “stunt kites” running around and ruining everyone’s day in the park. And you can’t get taken down by one of them. You just can’t. It’s more than embarrassing, it’s downright dehumanizing. Getting beat up by a kite is just about the most humiliating thing I can even think of, so it makes complete sense that it would happen to a bicyclist. They attract shame like moths to a flame.

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I Bet You Thought Those Inflatable Bike Helmets Were Pretty Stupid, Didn’t You? Well Guess What, You Were Right!

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[Cycling Weekly – Link to Instagram Video] True to the claim that the helmet will deploy at speed, this one went off as a man put on his coat in a shop. The Hövding Airbag helmet was released to much speculation earlier this year, with many questioning if it was the solution for those not wanting to wear a conventional bicycle helmet.

“Hövding should only be activated when you are cycling,” said Anna Katarina Skogh, Hövding’s Marketing Director, in response to the jacket activated helmet.

“The cyclist in the film unfortunately had it activated also off the bike. His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation. The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation. Shortly after the inflation we helped him with a replacement so he could continue enjoying the superior protection Hövding offers while cycling.”

Hey, remember those inflatable helmet airbags that bicyclists started strapping to their heads way back in 2012? I bet you thought those were pretty stupid right? Well it turns out you were right!

Just because I really like having the opportunity to pat myself on the back, let’s take a look at what I wrote way back in 2012, when these monstrosities first began to appear at the lunatic fringe of the bicycling internet:

I love that the “trigger mechanism is controlled by sensors which pick up the abnormal movements of a bicyclist.” I can’t wait for the first douchebag bicyclist to lean forward to flip off a motorist and wind up flipped over the handlebars trying to claw the plastic off his face before he fucking suffocates.

Well hot damn! I’m not gonna claim to be 100% right on this one, but I’d say I came pretty fucking close to nailing it. This guy is just lucky he wasn’t actually on his bike when this thing went off or the shock would surely have sent him careening into traffic. That is, if he wasn’t already right in the middle of traffic, which, for a bicyclist dumb enough to wear one of these inflatable deathtraps, is admittedly a pretty big “if.”

I mean can you imagine being the sort of person willing to wear a compressed plastic bag that could inflate over your face at any time? I’ll give them this at least: the “helmet” appeared in the right place. I would have bet quite a bit of money against that, so at least they got that part right. But uh, having this thing explode into action anytime you move your arms a little bit to put your jacket on seems like kind of a problem, no? I love this quote:

His movements are related to movements your body does during an accident. Hence the inflation.

Right, because usually when someone is in the middle of a horrific bike accident, the first thing they do is put on their jacket. A+ job on the movement detection there, guys!

PS. “The Hövding acted correctly, assuming the cyclist was on a bike given its activation.” Oh, so not correctly at all, then.

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Did You Hear The One About The Bicyclist Who Tried To Kidnap A 15-Year-Old Girl?


[The Register-Guard] A man on a bicycle harassed a 15-year-old girl Monday north of the Owosso Bridge, Eugene police said.

Officers said the man, possibly in his early 40s, attempted to talk to the girl and repeatedly grabbed her arm, saying she needed to go with him. The girl pulled her arm away and ran, and saw the man riding south toward Marist High School, police said.

The incident occurred near the 4300 block of Goodpasture Loop shortly before 5:30 p.m., police said. The man was described as wearing a black Columbia-style windbreaker, black T-shirt, dark blue jeans, and white and blue Nike shoes. The bicycle was described as a black road bike with thin tires and straight handlebars, with a black bag on the back.

Anyone with information is asked to call police at 541-682-5111.

So, obviously there’s nothing funny about an attempted kidnapping of any kind, much less of a minor. We can all agree on that. But at the same time, this whole thing is pretty funny right?

When you get right down to it, this is just another example of a bicyclist getting a shitty idea and acting on it without bothering to give it so much as a second of critical thought. I mean, who tries to kidnap someone on a bike? Isn’t having a van (or at least a car), like, Kidnapping 101? Again, I’m not claiming to have any sort of great criminal mind, but it really seems like day one stuff to me.

I honestly can’t think of anything dumber than trying to kidnap someone on a bike. Even kidnapping someone on horseback somehow seems smarter. But that’s the bicyclist way. They don’t think their actions ever have consequences, so this guy clearly just assumed things would find a way to work out. Typical sociopath. Typical bicyclist.

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Does This Look Like The Face Of A Bicyclist Arrested For Impersonating A Police Officer?


[WIBX 950] A Lockport man was arrested, charged with impersonating a state trooper.

46-Year-old Richard Godfrey was taken into custody after residents called 911 when a man on a bicycle knocked on their door, identified himself as a trooper, and asked for help.

He left the house and is accused of then becoming combative.  According to a written release from New York State Police, Godfrey allegedly threatening to harm the actual troopers when they caught up with him. Godfrey is facing the following charges:

  • Criminal Impersonation (first degree, a felony)
  • Resisting Arrest
  • Harassment (second degree)

Listen, I admit that I don’t have a particularly well-developed criminal mind. I’ve spent my life obeying the rules. Stop at stop signs. Maintain the flow of traffic. Don’t go the wrong way down one-way streets. Bicyclists don’t have these limitations. It would never occur to me to try to impersonate a police officer and force my way into someone’s home. It just wouldn’t enter my head. But I can definitely see how a bicyclist who has been conditioned to flaunt authority for his entire life can think up crimes that are just beyond my imagination.

Still, I have to think that if I DID decide to impersonate a police officer, the very first step I would take would probably be something along the lines of “don’t look like a crazy psychopath.” I mean, holy shit! Look at that death glare! That crazy hair! Those cold, lifeless eyes! And I’m not even trying to make a value judgment here. This guy might be the nicest guy in the world in his personal life. Maybe he just made one big mistake (two, actually: his first mistake was getting on a bicycle in the first place). But I am saying that this guy could be handing out free tickets to fuck Candice Swanepoel and I STILL wouldn’t open the door for him. Everyone involved in this situation needed to make better choices. Shape up, New York.

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