Bicyclist Armed With Switchblade Blocks Intersection Doing Wheelies On A Stolen Bike In A Story Straight Out Of Bicyclist MadLibs

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[MassLive] As Worcester police continue to combat swerving, the act of riding a bicycle in front of moving traffic, a 22-year-old was arrested over the weekend after a group rode in circles downtown. An officer was on his way to work a private detail at the Palladium on Sunday around 6 p.m. when he saw a large group of young people riding bikes in and out of traffic on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, police said in a statement.

“The officer was in his personal motor vehicle and had to slam on his brakes in order to avoid a collision with two of the youths that went directly in front of him,” the statement read. “The group was riding around in circles and executing ‘wheelies’ in the middle of the intersection through a full cycle of traffic lights,” police said. “Numerous vehicles were activating their horns and yelling out of the windows.”

“The detail officer was walking on the sidewalk from the front of the building and about to turn the corner when he was nearly struck by one of the males on a bike,” police said. “At this time the officer noticed a second male heading right at him on a bike. The officer reached out and grabbed the rider’s arm and forced him off his bike.”

The rider, Javier Amarat, of 82 Elm St., was known to the officer as one of the men who rides with a group that calls itself “bike life,” the statement said. Police discovered a spring-loaded 4-inch knife on Amarat. He was riding an ofo rental bike and police said the locking mechanism of the bike he was riding was “damaged beyond repair.”

Imagine, if you will, a bicyclist-themed MadLibs.

Today, a bicyclist decided to pop some ____(PLURAL NOUN)____ in the middle of traffic. He ___(VERB, PAST TENSE)___ an entire intersection on a ___(ADJECTIVE)___ bike. He was even carrying a ___(WEAPON)___! Luckily, a ___(ADJECTIVE)___ police officer was there to yank him off his bike. ___(NUMBER)___ cheers for the police!

If you said WHEELIES, BLOCKED, STOLEN, SWITCHBLADE, HEROIC, and THREE, congratulations! You’re the writer of this absolutely fucking ridiculous story!

Look, I’m not completely unreasonable. In a lot of cases, I’m even willing to meet bicyclists halfway. It’s true that there are plenty of streets where there just isn’t a ton of shoulder space for bicyclists to ride. It’s also true that drivers aren’t always as aware of bicyclists on the road as they should be. See? I can be understanding. I can be empathetic. I’m willing to hear out the other side.

But it’s shit like this that makes the pendulum swing so very, very far in the opposite direction. Bicyclists constantly complain about how dangerous the roads are for them, and how often negligent drivers run them down, and how absurd it is that the burden of safety falls on them when their spindly little aluminum contraptions are up against two-ton steel behemoths. And just when you’re about to open your mouth to say, well, sure, you may have a point there, they hold up one hand and say, “just a sec–I need to dart into traffic and cut off this truck.”

I mean, honestly. Circling an intersection and popping wheelies through and entire cycle of lights is not exactly what I would call “risk-averse behavior.” In fact, I’d go so far as to call it just plain stupid. Language like “idiot with a death wish” doesn’t seem out of place.

I didn’t even get to include the part of the article where the moron they arrested responded to every question with the name of bicyclist gang group, a group which claims it’s “just looking to put negativity aside and ride.” Sweet job, guys! You’re almost as good at vetting your members as Kevin Spacey’s agent! Or…wait, no, as any production company that hires Kevin Spacey! Shit, there’s a joke in there somewhere, come back to me, I’ll think of it.

Anyway I think it goes without saying that you should not, in fact, spend your day popping wheelies in the middle of an intersection, and you should especially not do that if the bike you’re riding is stolen and the weapon you’re carrying is illegal. All in all a pretty dumb confluence of circumstances for our bicyclist friend, here. But I guess that’s just par for the bicyclist course. When you assume that laws don’t apply to you, there’s no reason to give any behavior a second thought. In Freudian terms, bicyclists are all id. There’s no ego, no superego. Just 100% id, racing out there to seize the day.

In a weird way, I envy their freedom. If we could harness that raw, impulsive energy, we could probably change the world. Instead, we just have jails filled with unpredictable assholes who think intersections are a great place to practice wheelies. It’s a shame. It’s just such a damn shame.

 

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Watching A Bicyclist Get His Brains Bashed In By A Railroad Barrier Made Me Smile On This Rainy Thursday

[Leinster Leader] Delays were reported to Maynooth rail lines this afternoon, after a cyclist caused damage to a level crossing at Coolmine.

Iarnród Éireann‏ released footage of the cyclist trying to cross the level crossing before the barrier dropped, and ends up colliding with it. Delays of up to 30 minutes were reported at approximately 2:15pm as a result.

It’s raining outside. It’s a gloomy, gloomy day. It’s the middle of fall, and the days are getting shorter. It’s flu season, and a lot of people (myself included) are suffering from the sniffles. Baseball season is almost over. Cold and snow are just around the corner. All in all, it doesn’t feel like there’s much to look forward to these days, and it can make this time of year a little depressing.

That’s why it’s important that we treasure the little things. Little things like a bicyclist trying to duck under a descending railway barrier and getting his goddamn brains bashed in. It just brings a smile to your face, you know? Watch that video up there and try not to laugh, I dare you. Watch that dumb piece of shit fly into frame and immediately miscalculate his own height by about a foot and a half. It’s amazing. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart. After watching that video, I feel prepared to face the day. Who cares about rain? Who cares about darkness? Who cares about the looming winter and creeping inevitability of death? NOT ME! I’ve got a bicyclist breaking his face to watch!

PS. Am I thrilled to hear that a dumb fuck bicyclist managed to cause 30 minute train delays? I am not. In fact, if I was stuck in that backup, if I was 30 minutes late to work because some idiot had to try to sneak under a barrier, I’d be pretty fucking furious. But sometimes you just have to set those feelings aside and enjoy the simple pleasure of a bicyclist obliterating his own face.

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If You’re Going To Steal A Bicycle From A Gross Barn, Take The Five Seconds To Dust The Cobwebs Off Before You Ride Away

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MADISON, Ind. (AP) — Southern Indiana police say a tip from an observant citizen who noticed a cobweb-covered man riding a bicycle led to the arrests of two men for allegedly stealing bikes from a barn.

The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office says a caller reported on Sept. 27 seeing a web-covered man who looked as if he’d been digging in a barn.

The Madison Courier reports deputies found the 25-year-old bicyclist near the Ohio River city of Madison and arrested him for burglary and theft. A friend of the man who’s also 25 faces the same charges after deputies found him with a hay-covered bicycle inside his car.

A search of a barn adjacent to a home one of the men was renting revealed that some bicycles stored in its hayloft were missing.

Look, I’m not going to stand here and say I’m the cleanest person on earth. Once in a while I’ll roll out of bed on Saturday morning and decide that, you know what, I don’t really feel like I need a shower today. It happens. Sometimes you deserve a wear-sweatpants-and-play-video-games-on-the-couch- sort of day. I’m totally cool with that, and you should be, too.

But there are times when hygiene and cleanliness matter. For instance, if you’re stealing a bicycle, and the place you’re stealing it from is covered in spider webs so dense you need a machete to hack through them.

If you’re a fan of spiders (and their webs), I’m not here to judge! It definitely seems like this guy was perfectly okay with being covered in them. I’ll admit that, while I’m not terrified of spiders, they definitely creep me out a little. Given the choice between being covered in spiders and not being covered in spiders, I’ll choose not being covered in spiders every time. This guy, he didn’t care. Maybe he loves spiders, and he didn’t want to risk hurting any by brushing them off. Maybe he loves the feeling of silky spider webs against his skin–again, not here to judge. It’s impossible to say for sure.

Whatever the case may be, I submit to you that, in this specific instance, this bicycle thief probably should have spent the five seconds necessary to brush the spider webs off of his body.

But that’s just kind of the story with bicyclists, isn’t it? They’re single-minded creatures. They live in the moment. Whatever compulsion seizes them, they do it. Want to run a red light? DO IT! Want to breeze through a stop sign? GO FOR IT! Want to cut off a car and cause an accident? WHY NOT! They don’t care for laws, they don’t care for the safety of others, so why should they care about being covered in a few pesky spider webs?

It’s just lucky for the rest of us that their compulsiveness is their downfall. If this moron hadn’t hit the streets covered in spider webs, he might never have been caught. He’d have gotten away, perpetuating the violent cycle of bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime. So let this be a lesson bicyclists: it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I care too much. Even bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime breaks my heart, and my desire to eliminate your vile hobby is as much for your own good as my own. Bless your hearts.

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Keene, NH, The City Of My Childhood, Has Created The Position Of “Bicycle Mayor”

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[Keene Sentinel] Tiffany Mannion has always owned a bicycle. The Massachusetts native recalls those first few moments without training wheels, as her father guided her through the parking lot where she first learned to ride. ….

On Saturday, Mannion was named the first bicycle mayor of Keene in a ceremony at the Monadnock Fall Festival. She’s not only the first to hold the position in Keene, but also the first bicycle mayor in the United States. It’s part of a program created by CycleSpace, an Amsterdam-based start-up focused on making cities less car-centric. CycleSpace created the Bicycle Mayor and Leader Network to find leaders to represent local cycling communities.

Bicycle mayors have already been installed in cities across the world, including Amsterdam, Mexico City, Sydney, Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro and Baroda, India — and now, Keene.

I’ve shared a lot of terrifying stories with you. Stories about bicyclists on drugs. Stories about bicyclists committing murder. Stories about bicyclists kidnapping people. You name it, chances are I’ve written about a bicyclist doing it.

But nothing has hit quite as close to home as Keene, NH–the city I grew up in, no less–creating the position of “Bicycle Mayor.”

I know bicyclists have all but taken over plenty of cities in America. Hell, cities like Macon, GA are actively bribing bicyclists to clog up their streets and fill the air with smug self-satisfaction. But I didn’t think it could happen so close to home. I thought that, if nothing else, I could count on the cities in my own backyard to hold strong against the screaming hordes of the bicyclist cabal. But hell came to town today, my friends. Hell came to town, and it wore lycra.

Look, Keene. You’ve got to ask yourself a very simple question. Do you really want MORE bicyclists flocking to your town? Because make no mistake, that’s what you’re asking for here. Sure, this lady seems nice. Sure, her promises of sustainable living and community unity sound admirable. But if the end goal is to promote bicycling, is it worth it? Is it worth it to attract more bicyclists to your town, prancing about in their Tour de France cosplay outfits, breezing through red lights with reckless abandon, and ultimately ensuring that your daily commute involves at least 20 minutes stuck behind four bicyclists spread out horizontally across the road moving at a leisurely 3 MPH?

No. Never. I refuse to believe that this is what has become of my hometown. I cannot entertain the idea that the town that fundamentally shaped me as a human being has turned its back on me so completely. Today is a terrible day, but I have faith that Keene will pull through this era of darkness and rise again stronger than ever. I have to believe it, because the alternative is too depressing.

PS. When I saw the headline “Keene gets a Bicycle Mayor,” I thought Keene had named a physical bicycle to the office of mayor, which actually would have been less troubling.

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No Shock Here, But Bicyclists Apparently Don’t Even Care About The Safety Of Their Own Children

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[Daily Mail] This is the shocking moment a cyclist with a child on the back of his bike was just centimetres away from being taken out by an oncoming car.

(click for video)

I gasped when I saw this video. Out loud. Gasped. I mean, it’s one thing for bicyclists to run red lights, breeze past stop signs, and generally behave with a total disregard for the safety of themselves and others. I get it. Bicyclists believe two things: 1) they are invincible, and 2) nobody else matters. So in a weird, perverse way, it makes total sense.

But I have to admit, I thought there was a small shred of humanity left in the bicyclist psyche. I thought, surely, they must at LEAST care for the safety of their children. After all, it’s a biological imperative. Reproduce and protect. Ensure that your progeny live on. That your line survives. That the species maintains continuity.

Apparently I was wrong. The bicyclists flies right on through a red light and almost gets sideswiped by a regular, law-abiding citizen. Even worse, the car almost clips the back of the bicycle–which is exactly where this poor kid is sitting. So, just to be clear, this bicyclist not only put their child in danger, they put their child in the MOST danger.

The only possible conclusion that can be drawn here is that bicyclists are not human anymore. The biological imperative no longer holds sway over them. Which actually makes sense, the more I think about it. I assume that cramming themselves into those skintight lycra outfits has probably squeezed their collective sperm count into the single digits, so it’s frankly a miracle that this bicyclist was able to reproduce at all. Maybe these spandex-clad pedal jockeys have sterilized themselves to the point that they don’t even know what to do with a kid anymore.

I’m not saying it’s the truth. I’m just looking for answers. And faced with the evidence I’ve seen here today, it’s the only responsible conclusion I can draw.

 

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In Classic Bicyclist Fashion, Bicyclist Assaults Driver And Attempts To Steal Car With Children Still Inside

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[ITV] A cyclist with road rage has been jailed after attempting to hijack a family’s car with the owner’s children still sat in the back. Dean David Price, 36, argued with the father who owned the car in the street after the driver made an emergency stop in Morriston, Swansea.

Swansea Crown Court heard Price of Waun Wen in Swansea, grabbed the man by his neck and punched him in the head. He then jumped into the car and tried to start the engine. The father pulled the keys from the ignition and the court heard Price fled from the scene on foot.

Price, who already has an ‘extensive criminal record’ was arrested a week later. He admitted attempted theft of a car and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He was jailed for one year and three months.

I know I make a big show of saying there’s nothing these bikefucks can do to shock me anymore, but every so often I come across a story like this that proves to me that they can, in fact, sink even lower.

Bicyclist attempting to steal a car? Yawn. Bicyclist committing assault? Ho hum. Bicyclist attempting to kidnap someone? Been there, done that. But a bicyclist combining all three of those things, with children as the intended victims? Why, that’s a bicyclist triple threat right there. A hat trick. A three-run ding dong. A half-court buzzerbeater. A 65-yard field goal. A golazo from WAY outside the box. You get the idea. Except that, just as bicyclists tend to do with everything they try, he failed.

The only thing I take issue with in this article is that it’s a little bit redundant. A bicyclist with an extensive criminal record? You might as well say “a bird with wings.” These are two things that go hand-in-hand. The population already understands that bicyclists are crooks. You don’t need to spell it out for us. We’ve seen them on the streets running red lights, kicking cars, brandishing weapons, doing every drug under the sun. It’s part and parcel with the bicyclist lifestyle. At a certain point we just need to understand that it’s who they are.

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It Appears That, In My Absence, Bicyclists Have Decided That Getting Naked And Assaulting Women Is Just Fine

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[FORT WORTH (CBSDFW.COM)] Police have released a sketch of the man they say shed his clothes, hopped on a bicycle naked then chased down a jogger before jumping off and assaulting her on Saturday.

A witness saw the man sitting on a bench on the Trinity Trails near the 1800 block of Rogers Road at 5:45 p.m. on Saturday. He removed his shorts and rode a bicycle naked westbound from Rogers Road, just north of Texas Christian University, police said.

At 6:12 p.m., a female jogger crossed paths with him as he headed east on the south side of the Trinity Trails path, just west of Edwards Ranch Road. She saw him sitting down near a low water crossing, turned around and ran westbound in the opposite direction. But the naked man chased the jogger and assaulted her.

“He hit her a couple of time in the head and kicked her a couple of times. The female was fighting for her life and was able to escape,” said Fort Worth police officer Daniel Segura. The jogger ran away into a subdivision on Overton Woods where she called police. The woman is expected to recover from her injuries.

Well.

Well, well, fucking well.

I disappear for a few months (EDITOR’S NOTE: over a year) and this is what becomes of things. North Korea has nuclear weapons. Donald Trump is president. And bicyclists think they are safe to get naked and assault innocent women.

No. The line must be drawn here. This far, no further. Because guess what? I’m BACK, baby.

I’m honestly not even sure what needs to be said here. It’s a pretty open and shut case. Typical bicyclist strips naked, hops on bike, assaults woman. Ho hum. It’s barely even newsworthy. It’s just classic bicyclist behavior. Laws don’t apply to them. Basic human decency doesn’t apply to them. As far as pretty much every bicyclist is concerned, if you try to stop them from getting naked and beating the shit out of a woman, you’re infringing upon their constitutional rights.

“But Falco,” I can already hear you saying, “surely not every bicyclist is like that.” And sure, that may be true. I can’t corroborate it. I haven’t met every bicyclist. All I know is what I see in the news, and I’m afraid stories like “Fully Clothed Bicyclist Helps Little Old Lady Across Street” haven’t made too many headlines these days. Instead, we get the drug-addled bicyclists. The convict bicyclists. The sex-crazed lunatics who view their bicycle primarily as a means to expose themselves to the women who they will then assault.

Well, to those bicyclists I say this: no more. I’m back. I’m back to expose the crazy, the selfish, the violent, and the generally shitty. And to the rest of you who view me as too extreme, I say only this: you don’t want the truth about bicyclists because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

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