Woof, man. This is a blog, which means I am obligated to write words for you to read. But what can I even say about this video? If a picture is worth a thousand words, this video is worth a million. A billion, even.

I don’t like bicyclist, but I’m nothing if not fair. I will absolutely acknowledge that riding a bike has its positives, and chief among them is the fact that it’s good for you. It’s a solid workout! And I’ll be the first to admit that biking a few miles and taking in the sights is probably a hell of a lot more enjoyable than lifting weights in the gym or plodding along on the treadmill for an hour. As long as you’re not blocking traffic, running down pedestrians, or blazing through red lights and stop signs like a bull charging a muleta, I could give a fuck. The problem, of course, is that asking bicyclists to obey these basic laws of common sense and human decency seems to be a universal nonstarter. But right now, that’s neither here nor there. This is me extending an olive branch. This is me acknowledging that while bicyclists may be horrible, spandex-clad monsters incapable of introspection or self-awareness, their chosen hobby is, if nothing else, a good way to get some exercise.

At least, that’s what I thought. But this video…well, this has made me rethink my entire stance. It’s made me wonder if even the one, miniscule scrap of respect I had for bicyclists has been built on a lie. Because, look, hills are hard. I may not have been on a bike since I was a little kid, but I know damn well how hard it can be to pedal up a hill, no matter the gear. So please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not judging these bicyclists for being incapable of pedaling up a hill. I’m a reasonable man.

But you know the other thing I remember from when I was a kid? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you: I remember getting to a hill I knew I was never going to be able to pedal up, and simply…hopping off my bike. Yes, that’s right — I used my own two legs to walk my bike up that hill. Sure, it sucked having to hoof it up a giant hill. Sure, it was embarrassing to admit I didn’t have the strength to pedal up that hill. But man alive, if I had only known then what I know now. I didn’t realize that the simple act of walking my bike up a hill apparently represented a Herculean effort far beyond what the modern bicyclist is capable of.

I mean, my goodness. I’d ask how any self-respecting person could use one of these “bike escalators,” but I suppose if bicyclists had any self-respect, they wouldn’t be bicyclists in the first place. Even so, it takes a special type of person to take an exercise-based hobby and render it completely meaningless. What are we even doing here, guys? To not be able to pedal up a hill is one thing. But to be unwilling to even WALK up that hill? Christ.

It really lays bare what I’ve been saying for years about the bicyclist mindset. It’s not about getting in shape. It’s not about the environment. It’s not about fun. Frankly, this video has me more convinced than even that bicyclists don’t even enjoy bicycling. No, it’s not about any of those things. It’s just about entitlement. Bicyclists feel they should be entitled to whatever they want without having to exhibit the slightest bit of effort. It’s pathological. You may think I’ve been a bit over the top all these years when I talk about bicyclists being cheaters, and drug addicts, and violent lunatics. And maybe you’re right. But my counterpoint is this: how can you possibly interpret the invention of the “bike escalator” any other way? The modern bicyclist apparently feels that they should have even have to suffer the indignity of climbing a hill. That’s some sick, sick shit, man. Norway, I’m keeping my eye on you.