[Road.cc] [A bicyclist] was cycling on Pont Street in Belgravia, London in August last year when he came across a driver at the wheel of a Range Rover in momentarily stationary traffic using his mobile phone and turned around to capture footage of the man caught in the act. However, when he submitted the video, seen by The Standard, to the police, the outcome was certainly one that he was not expecting.

The penalty for holding a cellular device when driving can be up to 6 penalty points and a £200 fine, as well as losing your licence if the driver passed your driving test in the last 2 years. However, the Met police instead proceeded to claim that the cyclist had been riding on the wrong side of the road, and suggested that he “could pose a danger to other road users”.

[A] Met police staff member in the traffic division, said that the cyclist was “in the middle of the road” and was then “very close to the Range Rover on the opposite side of the road whilst a motorcyclist was oncoming with a passenger”. She added: “You can see the cyclist cycling towards the oncoming motorbike that is filtering between traffic,” and then suggested the motorbike has to “ride in between the cyclist that is very close and the Range Rover”.

[The bicyclist] is now due to face trial next month at Lavender Hill magistrates court. The driver of the Range Rover, meanwhile, has got away with a police “advisory letter” and is said to be facing no criminal case.

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Let’s get this out the way early: you shouldn’t use your phone while driving. Okay? When you’re at the wheel of a multi-ton vehicle, you should be distraction-free. Using your cell phone while driving creates an unsafe situation not just for others, but for yourself as well. Got it? All set? I don’t really feel like I should have to say all that, but I don’t want some bicyclist popping off in the comments about how I’m endorsing distracted driving. I’m not. Keep your phone in your fucking pocket.

All that said, if you ARE going to use your phone, doing it while stopped at a traffic light or sitting in standstill traffic is definitely the time to do it, right? Okay, fine, we can all agree this driver is being irresponsible, but at the same time they’re also being incredibly responsible. Which is what makes it even funnier that THIS is the moment this bicyclist chose to whip out his cell phone and start gathering evidence as if he was witnessing a fucking murder. What did he imagine the police were going to do with that video? Buddy, the police don’t even bother solving crimes that MATTER. You think they’re gonna scramble all units to take down a guy sitting in traffic and texting “k” to his wife?

It’s not just the stupidity that gets me. It’s the total lack of self-awareness. I feel like “no one likes a tattletale” is basically the first thing you learn on day one of kindergarten. The impulse to run crying to an authority figure the moment someone does something they’re not “supposed” to do is something that gets roundly beaten out of most kids by the time they hit the third grade. Let’s think back. Did you ever hear the most popular kid in school say the words, “I’m gonna tell on you”? No, you didn’t. You don’t get to be the captain of the football team or head of the cheerleading squad by tattling to teacher every time someone smokes a cigarette in the bathroom. Shit, man, I don’t even think you get to be head of the D&D club or captain of the math team if “I’m gonna tell!” is in your vocabulary. The kind of person who retains the impulse to tattle on their peers for every minor infraction is the kind of person who is totally divorced from the norms and niceties of basic human interaction. I guaran-fucking-tee you this guy thought the cops were going to give him one of those gold “Junior Detective” stars they give little kids when they take a field trip to the station. He thought the boys down at the crime lab would be working in shifts to crack the case of the texting driver.

And, really, that’s what makes this story so special. Because the police DID review the video he sent them. They reviewed it so carefully, in fact, that they realized the bicyclist who was so concerned with upholding traffic laws recorded his little tattlecam video while riding on the wrong side of the road.

There’s something wonderful about a bicyclist sending evidence of his own lawless behavior directly to the police. It’s exactly what I’ve been saying for more than a decade now. The bicyclist motto is “laws for thee, and none for me.” They are simply flummoxed by the idea that any of their own actions could possibly have consequences. But hey — when you decide to tattle on your fellow citizens and demand the police uphold the rules of the road, you may want to make sure your own house is in order first. I’m not the biggest fan of cops in general, but I’ve got to hand it to whoever decided to slap down the Uno reverse card on this tattletale. Give that officer a raise. Those are tax dollars well spent.