Anyone who lives in a major city will tell you that bicyclists are the worst people in the entire world. They block traffic. They don’t obey traffic laws. They behave like they’re auditioning for a spot on Team USA in the Being-A-Dick Olympics 100% of the time. Every time I hear a bicyclist say the words “share the road,” it takes a solid two years off my life. Since I’m sick of hearing them act like self-entitled assholes, I’ve made it my mission to highlight every instance of a bicyclist acting like a dick that I can find. Enjoy.
PS. This is a satire/humor site, you idiots.
I HATE BICYCLISTS 
I live in West Sonoma County, about an hour drive north of San Francisco, and over the past 10 years I have seen a dramatic increase not only in the sheer number of cyclists, but also in their increasing arrogance, aggression, and entitled attitude toward those around them.
Up until recently, I waitressed at a small café deep in the heart of wine country and as a result I can assure you that I waited on my fair share of rude, self absorbed snobs, but in my experience cyclists were by far the worst.
Every weekend they would come in droves, mostly from San Francisco, to swill wine, clog up our roads, and make my life and my coworker’s lives miserable.
It would start by cyclists blocking the sidewalk and entrance to our restaurant with their bikes, often times helping themselves to our gated side alley to store their equipment. Then they would come in reeking of BO (I don’t know why it seems like so few every grasped the concept of deodorant) and proceed to tear up our hardwood floors with their bicycle cleats. They never would wait to be seated but would instead make their way through our restaurant and plop themselves down at two or three of our biggest tables. Next, about half of them would make their way to the one bathroom and proceed to reek havoc on our plumbing system (the bumpy roads must really do a number on their digestive tracks). Now the fun part. Whoever had the misfortune of waiting on these charming and endlessly polite people would have half of their tables taken up by a group who ordered little, yet somehow required more attention than any other table. Tasks would include filling up water and coffee cups constantly, going back to the kitchen to request special gluten free and or vegan substitutions, and all the while taking orders from a group of people who never smile, never say thank you and generally make it clear that you are not a person and therefore don’t deserve to be treated with dignity or respect. After staying for an hour or more, the fun would end by being asked to fill up 10 water bottles, some with ice some without, and being asked to retrieve bikes from the alley they were never authorized to use in the first place…and yes, this actually happened often. If this wasn’t bad enough, almost without fail, you would go to clear their table, after they finally road off presumably to torture some other wait person, only to find that all you were left was a couple sweaty dollar bills or nothing at all as a tip…and again, yes, this happened all the time.
My final thoughts are these. The bicyclists I dealt with at my job and continue to deal with in my day to day life never fail to amaze me with their disgustingly holier than thou attitude, looking through you and not at you, demanding rather than asking, and all the while with that smug look on their face that perfectly conveys how they truly know that they are better and deserve more than the people around them.
For those of you who are cyclists and claim not to know why people resent you, I hope this opens your eyes to why that might be.
Just the other day, my daughter was pulling her car into our driveway, when down the street comes a phalanx of Lance Armstrong wannabees. Well, she turned in front of them, not really that close to them, so I suppose they had to apply their brakes for a couple of seconds to slow down. The rode off, then two of these clowns rounded the block and came back to confront her, as if she had run over one of them or knocked them off their bike, neither of which even came close to happening. So there they are, two older spandex-clad clowns yelling and screaming at her, making absolute assholes of themselves. Typical narcissitic, entitled pricks that the cyclers are these days. Lucky for them, I wasn’t there at the time, although my quick-witted daughter did exclaim to them: “the only crime being committed here is you wearing spandex.” The two buffoons had nothing more to say, and just rode off. Shitstains.
I’m sure this isn’t very popular on this website, but I commute by bicycle. I think your main gripe is the road cyclists. They are so leaned forward on their bikes with their balls pinched by lycra that they don’t even know what politeness is
This is absolutely correct.
Emilie,
I’m pretty sure this is mainly directed towards the spandex people who don’t stop for anything, ignore traffic laws, and are quick to give everyone the finger as they cause traffic collisions. Most often seen in urban environments. Courteous riders who are following the rules are fine by me.
you’re an asshole and i bet your fat
Another intellectual on 2 wheels
*you’re
Get a fucking life you sad twat.
Cyclist have such a wonderful vocabulary
STFU DIP SHIT fuck your cars!
After living in Seattle thus past year, my view of cyclists couldn’t be worse. Yes, I see asshole drivers and cyclists alike. And yes there are non-asshole cyclists. These I can usually spot right off as the bike commuter in his rain gear, the college kid who can’t afford a car, or as couple out for a ride. The asshole cyclist is likewise easy to spot, solo or in a pack, he’s on an machine that cost as much as my motorcycle and sporting every bit of spandex possible. He has his own bike lane, that he doesn’t have to pay for any form of license or registration to use, but the rest of the road belongs to him too and he is entitled to have the right of way anywhere. As a matter of fact, he’ll use the sidewalks and crosswalks too. Red lights don’t apply to him. Signals? Keep dreaming. When he gets honked at for running a light and almost causing a 3 car accident, he casually flips them the bird. Or he chases the car down and starts yelling in their window. Driver or rider, we are all familiar with this guy and we see him altogether too much. I have seen motorcyclists grab this guy and shove him into parked cars twice now, and I have to admit I feel like my team just scored a touchdown.
This guy gets it.
I fucking hate them. I was walking on the right shoulder of the bike lane tonight with my child in a stroller because there literally is no other path besides the street. Some bitch on a bike in the left passing lane started yelling at me and I told her if she didn’t keep it moving I would put my foot up her ass and throw her off her seat. Elitist asshole.
Hahaha! Glad you told her off. I didn’t have the chance when some a**hole passed inches from me at 40 km/h on a shared walking path.
I’m a cyclist because my car was wrecked 13 years ago by a stupid car driver. I’m unemployed and before that was working at a low-paying non-profit job, and after 11 years they expanded but eliminated my job and I was laid off. After perusing your site, I have come to the conclusion that I should hate myself because I’m a stupid cyclist who is not smart or rich enough to have got a new car. I suppose I could walk everywhere, but that would take forever, and someone has to fill the role of asshole cyclist. P.S. I’m kidding as well as you are. Feel free to call me stupid as long as you check out and follow my site.
When I was young and used to work at a small family run coffee store in Long Island every other weekend a swath of 10-15 latex wearing assholes would barge in, pushing customers aside waiting in line to pay, and steal the self serve coffee without paying. Every single one, every time. And it was only like 89 cents a cup, free refills. My hate for them built up so much over the months I wouldve beat them with a pipe and broken their knees out back if the boss/owner didnt tell me to just let it go.
This site needs more updates. It’s been far too long since the last one. These people are the worst.
This is great. Love how you bring out the best in those whom think two wheels are better then 4..They are, if they have a nice large V-Twin powering them!!! Human powered 2 wheel vehicles? Targets..Don’t get me wrong. I love bicycling, on trails, not roadways where tons of metal can run your ass over if you do something stupid..Which many bicyclists do often.
But can you V-Twin guys at least be a little quieter on the residential streets? Let it rip on the highway, sure…
I have seen so many accidents happen due to bikers being in the road. the last one I saw was not between a car and a cycle, but instead a car on car accident, caused by yielding to the cyclist. As police started to show up I notice the biker wisk away from the scene of twisted steel and carnage as light and as arrogant as when he ran the light to cause this accident. sickening.
They actually think they’re top shit. They’re fucking weird and fuck they are annoying.
I live out in the country/small town and these quazi-hippies will ride out in front of you and expect YOU to move heaven n hell to not hit them, and never mind the 8 ft of PAVED shoulder on a busy FM road that they have!!! Self absorbed pampered pricks,and I am a nice person!!! Assholes
Hopefully this site is still active and read. I live in NYC, Manhattan to be exact and let me tell you, I would be proud to say that Manhattan has, without a doubt, the worst, most obnoxious, entitled, careless, selfish, dickheadedist bicyclists anywhere. Hands down.
Just this morning, walking my dog, I cross the street WITH the walk light. There was a big box truck stopped at the light, I clook as I go that he’s not moving and then a quick check left to make sure some asshole drive isn’t trying to back into a one way street (I’ve seen it) and to make sure no ‘bicyclist’ is coming in the wrong way either. As I approach the curb and reaching the far side of the box truck, here comes this person on a bike, straight down the street between the box truck and the parked cars on the right side of the road. She passed right in front of me, nearly clipped me, and I mean missed me by maybe a foot. I yelled ‘jesus christ asshole it’s a red light’.
She jumped off her bike, screaming like a madwoman. Now mind you 1) she was on here phone and rode through the crosswalk and on her way into the intersection and 2) initially I believe I scared the shit outta her. She turns to me, still holding her phone to her head and screamed some more at me. Then, as is customary with angry bicyclists (but then aren’t they always) she yelled ‘Fuck You’ to me. Of course, as they say, …when in Rome… so I yelled it right back to her, and told he she just ran a red light. Well more FU’s followed, kinda like a tennis match, we volleyed fuck you’s back and forth, her screaming like a madwoman. She made me laugh though when she said she was gonna call the police. I walked away, told her that I hoped she gets hit by a car and that was the last of it.
I can tell you that this happens at least once a day, either walking my dog or out walking with my 2 year old daughter. In fact a very similar incident occurred, this time with a male rider and his comment to me was that he didn’t hit us so what’s the problem. To him and all the others like him and the madwoman, I hope you get hit by a car. Soon. And they back up and hit you again,
These are the biggest a**holes! They don’t even slow down when approaching people, especially little people or pets… I guess the chances of them getting hit by an object harder than them is pretty high, so at least we can revel in that fact.
New Yorker JJ: You have not visited Philadelphia! There, cyclists are worshiped and can NEVER do wrong. At least New Yorkers ‘don’t stand for shit’, but in Philadelphia, they worship the cyclist. THAT, ALONE is why Philadelphia is a dirtbag city. Stupid beyond compare and they allow these asshole cyclists to dominate everything trafficwise.
The central problem is the constant complaining about cyclists (those who ‘require’ me to use ‘bicyclists’ be damned). Period. These two-wheeled aggressive cyclists are that way for two reasons:1) they KNOW that their actions will, for political reasons, be uncontested by both police and municipal ordinances (regardless of what those ordinances say in writing) and 2) they were raised to feel entitled and know that pedestrian rights are nonexistent.
Someday, someone will force this issue into the forefront and stick up for pedestrians. Until then, complaining will merely cause people to look at the complainer with a curiosity and dismay. After all, NOTHING could be more innocent than a person on a bicycle.
At night in Philadelphia they speed down sidewalks and through pedestrian crosswalks without lights or reflectors (at least 80% have none). They act as it they, and they alone, have rights. NO ONE matters more than they do and the police help them to retain that mindset. It is the POLICE who should be being castigated here, as they could care less about the dangers these fucks foment. But merely continuing to complain will do nothing other than increase the cyclists’ aggregate fury. – David Lyga
I have long adopted a different way of walking in Philadelphia, a way which completely robs me of any enjoyment I used to receive when taking a long, peaceful walk, First, I consider the sidewalk to be a ‘traffic route’ and stick to the side closest to buildings. This is not foolproof, I still could be hit, but it obviates about 80% of the danger. If I wish to walk on the other side of the sidewalk, for instance, if I wish to cross the street, I first look both in front and behind me to see whether I would be walking in the pathway of a speeding bike. This is onerous to do and, honestly, every block I walk, I fear for my life. Most people do not feel this way in Philadelphia but, for me, I cannot feel safe without catering to this paranoia.
On the street they can be traveling very fast, only to suddenly flip onto the sidewalk at full speed. You see, the police give them the ‘RIGHT’ to do anything that they damn please to do. Politically, the Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia RUNS the traffic department in this City. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING can impinge upon their omnipotence because, politically, they OWN the City.
I hate no one because doing so becomes an exercise in futility. I wish no cyclist to be hurt. But I do wish that they could, somehow, be forced to change their collective mentality As long ad they own the political structure here, that will not change. They do not need EDUCATION. They need ENFORCEMENT. – David Lyga 215.820.1560 // david33x@yahoo.com
Registration, licensing, having to conform with traffic laws: these are things that the Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia would start a real war over if they threatened to manifest. They SAY that they care about pedestrians, but their actions speak otherwise. All they care about is letting cyclists rule the traffic flow. And, dutifully and consistently, the police help them to achieve this one-sided ownership of the law. The Mayor, James Kenney, likewise. -David Lyga
Great site.
I wrote an article a few years ago about how ridiculous things have gotten in Chicago:
https://www.practicalchicago.com/2018/02/28/bike-lanes-are-not-worth-the-money/
I live in North Scottsdale AZ, quite pleasant, expensive, golf-oriented area comprised of gated communities. Every weekend turns into an aggravation, as these spandex asses come form all other not-so-pleasant parts of the Valley to pedal around our ‘upscale neighbourhoods’. Needless to repeat that public (and especially private!) streets are not an exercise facility. Needless to say again these obnoxious groups of weekend pedal-pushers in hideous outfits totally disregard traffic laws and disrespect local residents. Moreover, they trespass on our properties to…. take a shit!!!!! They are disgusting. No class, no respect to anyone, no sense of public or personal hygiene.
We don’t have walls or fences, the properties are 1 acre plus, with open spaces for hiking. So these tosses get everywhere.
My community has a very strong gate control, but they sift through any possible ‘holes’ from public streets anyway and blast through until security patrol finds them and kicks out.
As a SantBarbara Native,I’ve noticed More & More Marading gangs of bicyclists on our roads. All seem to share a Total DisReguard for Traffic & Safety Laws! Blowing through Sops,making Sudden turns into traffic etc: And Rude ASSHOLES! Give a courtesy toot on the horn,to pass,They Flip You Off! Try to Safely pass, they veer into Your lane! If you manage to get by them, They’ll chase you down Hollering threats! It Must be those tight little knickers they wear cutting of oxygen to they’re brain? Alot of it is probably due to all the L.A.Trash,moveing into the area. There goes the neighborhood! Why don’t we pass laws Requiring them to have Liability Insurance,and Show a licence placard. Or send em all to a Re Education camp to learn the Rules of the Road! If not just some common sense!
Real Men Don’t Wear Tights!!
Cycling without rules (or responsibility towards others) is indicative of, and endemic to, the “Progressive” culture, which we have allowed society to become infected with. Certainly, such cycling prerogatives do not occupy all of the available space within the “progressive” continuum. Along with such cycling, we now allow blacks to loot-at-will and dutifully allow women to accuse men of anything they wish to accuse men of doing. (We cheer both groups onward.)
This skewed mindset is one of forever forgiving of such groups’ perfidious behavior and, police, as well, have “learned” that a hands-off approach is not only the most prudent, but is intrinsically appropriate as well because these groups’ actions have been allowed to become “normalized” through repetitive social acclimation. We call this “political progress”.
With the bikes, urban rules state (quietly, but persistently) that no cyclist is ever to be perceived as being in the wrong. Pedestrian safety is not unimportant, but it has been allowed to have become far less important than a betrayal of the naked rights of the bicyclist. This is why there are: 1) zero oversight, 2) traffic departments made up of avid cycling advocates, and 3) the general perception among law enforcement that a cyclist speeding along a sidewalk or blowing through a pedestrian crosswalk is just about as important to them as a bird flying overhead. Yes, the mental idiocy is now embedded.
There is but a singular political expression within the “Progressive” mindset: the concept of establishing, and cementing, rights. Mere obligations, which should be an equal component of such rights, simply fall by the wayside in the Progressive’s desperate quest for his/her brand of political reconciliation. This short-changed approach to life cannot be permanently sustained because its logic and practicality will falter.
Years ago, I used to love taking long, casual walks for both physical exercise and mental solace. Now, each step ventured must be scrutinized and guarded, in order to avoid sudden, aggressive bicycles and e-scooters, which are silent and are operated by entitled jackasses who know that they are, and will remain, legally guiltless in the eyes of police and politicians. Thus, I, not ever the cyclist, must now yield to their every command solely because they hold superior firepower over an elder such as myself. (At night, many do not even have lights or reflectors.) There is no reprieve because my rights are deemed subservient to theirs. Both anonymity and an absence of age and speed restrictions, combined with a monumental sense of entitlement, allow them to hold angst against any naysayers who dare argue the point. Yes, indeed, these dire facts force me to come to such negative conclusions (conclusions which do not even touch upon a willful exaggeration). Hating them solves nothing; fearing them might extend my very life.
I am dead tired of seeing the rights of a human permitted to decrease, steadily, with each year past age 18. I say this as a life-long liberal whose DOB is 1950.