Anyone who lives in a major city will tell you that bicyclists are the worst people in the entire world. They block traffic. They don’t obey traffic laws. They behave like they’re auditioning for a spot on Team USA in the Being-A-Dick Olympics 100% of the time. Every time I hear a bicyclist say the words “share the road,” it takes a solid two years off my life. Since I’m sick of hearing them act like self-entitled assholes, I’ve made it my mission to highlight every instance of a bicyclist acting like a dick that I can find. Enjoy.

PS. This is a humor site, you idiots.


102 Responses to About

  1. Emily says:

    I live in West Sonoma County, about an hour drive north of San Francisco, and over the past 10 years I have seen a dramatic increase not only in the sheer number of cyclists, but also in their increasing arrogance, aggression, and entitled attitude toward those around them.
    Up until recently, I waitressed at a small café deep in the heart of wine country and as a result I can assure you that I waited on my fair share of rude, self absorbed snobs, but in my experience cyclists were by far the worst.

    Every weekend they would come in droves, mostly from San Francisco, to swill wine, clog up our roads, and make my life and my coworker’s lives miserable.
    It would start by cyclists blocking the sidewalk and entrance to our restaurant with their bikes, often times helping themselves to our gated side alley to store their equipment. Then they would come in reeking of BO (I don’t know why it seems like so few every grasped the concept of deodorant) and proceed to tear up our hardwood floors with their bicycle cleats. They never would wait to be seated but would instead make their way through our restaurant and plop themselves down at two or three of our biggest tables. Next, about half of them would make their way to the one bathroom and proceed to reek havoc on our plumbing system (the bumpy roads must really do a number on their digestive tracks). Now the fun part. Whoever had the misfortune of waiting on these charming and endlessly polite people would have half of their tables taken up by a group who ordered little, yet somehow required more attention than any other table. Tasks would include filling up water and coffee cups constantly, going back to the kitchen to request special gluten free and or vegan substitutions, and all the while taking orders from a group of people who never smile, never say thank you and generally make it clear that you are not a person and therefore don’t deserve to be treated with dignity or respect. After staying for an hour or more, the fun would end by being asked to fill up 10 water bottles, some with ice some without, and being asked to retrieve bikes from the alley they were never authorized to use in the first place…and yes, this actually happened often. If this wasn’t bad enough, almost without fail, you would go to clear their table, after they finally road off presumably to torture some other wait person, only to find that all you were left was a couple sweaty dollar bills or nothing at all as a tip…and again, yes, this happened all the time.

    My final thoughts are these. The bicyclists I dealt with at my job and continue to deal with in my day to day life never fail to amaze me with their disgustingly holier than thou attitude, looking through you and not at you, demanding rather than asking, and all the while with that smug look on their face that perfectly conveys how they truly know that they are better and deserve more than the people around them.

    For those of you who are cyclists and claim not to know why people resent you, I hope this opens your eyes to why that might be.

  2. jen says:

    you’re an asshole and i bet your fat

  3. John Briggs says:

    Get a fucking life you sad twat.

  4. Jon says:

    After living in Seattle thus past year, my view of cyclists couldn’t be worse. Yes, I see asshole drivers and cyclists alike. And yes there are non-asshole cyclists. These I can usually spot right off as the bike commuter in his rain gear, the college kid who can’t afford a car, or as couple out for a ride. The asshole cyclist is likewise easy to spot, solo or in a pack, he’s on an machine that cost as much as my motorcycle and sporting every bit of spandex possible. He has his own bike lane, that he doesn’t have to pay for any form of license or registration to use, but the rest of the road belongs to him too and he is entitled to have the right of way anywhere. As a matter of fact, he’ll use the sidewalks and crosswalks too. Red lights don’t apply to him. Signals? Keep dreaming. When he gets honked at for running a light and almost causing a 3 car accident, he casually flips them the bird. Or he chases the car down and starts yelling in their window. Driver or rider, we are all familiar with this guy and we see him altogether too much. I have seen motorcyclists grab this guy and shove him into parked cars twice now, and I have to admit I feel like my team just scored a touchdown.

  5. Cam says:

    I fucking hate them. I was walking on the right shoulder of the bike lane tonight with my child in a stroller because there literally is no other path besides the street. Some bitch on a bike in the left passing lane started yelling at me and I told her if she didn’t keep it moving I would put my foot up her ass and throw her off her seat. Elitist asshole.

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