[Winchester News Gazette] A Ring doorbell camera captured a bicyclist starting a fire outside her neighbor`s door before leaving the scene.

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You probably think I’m going to say it’s bad to go around lighting fires on doorsteps. And don’t get me wrong. It is. You should not do it. I in no way endorse it.

But that said, the ol’ “put a bag of dog poop on the neighbor’s doorstep and light it on fire” gag is a classic! Who among us hasn’t done it? Well, okay, granted, I’ve never done it. But if there’s one thing I know about sitcoms it’s that they are an accurate representation of the real world, and it seems like there was a real epidemic of people pranking each other with flaming dog poop around the 80’s and 90’s, so I assume like 90% of people have done it.

Anyway, what makes the gag a classic is its simplicity. There are only, like, four steps:

1. Acquire dog poop and put it in a bag.
2. Put the bag on your victim’s doorstep.
3. Light the bag on fire.
4. Run away.

You get to light something on fire, and your neighbor gets their feet mashed into a pile poop. It’s perfect! As much as I think it’s wrong to light things on fire and leave them on someone’s doorstep, I’m totally willing to forgive someone for doing so in the name of a hilarious, classic prank.

And I guess that’s where this bicyclist went wrong. Step two? Nailed it. Step three? Perfectly executed. Step four? Well, the point of running away is to not be caught, but he couldn’t have known there was a camera on him so I’ll even check that box, too. But step one? Total whiff. Swing and a miss. It’s a real bummer, man.

Because, look, a 75% success rate is more than good enough for government work. It would be the best batting average in history. But the problem is that the 25% you skipped was the most important step. Without the poop, there’s no prank. There’s just you, setting fire to garbage on someone’s doorstep. Nobody’s shoes are getting covered in poop. And without the poop shoes, there is no comedy. It’s just mean. Mean and stupid.

But then again, “mean and stupid” is the bicyclist way. In a way, this failed prank perfectly encapsulates who they are. I almost respect this poor fool for embracing exactly the sort of idiot mentality that so many bicyclists run from. Do you, poopless prankster. Do you.