If You’re Thinking Of Going For A Bike Ride In Australia, The Kangaroos Would Like You To Think Again

[Canberra Times] A cyclist has filmed an “unnerving” encounter with a group of kangaroos on Melbourne’s north-eastern outskirts.

Ben Vezina was riding in Hawkstowe Park near Hurstbridge on Sunday when he came across the mobbing marsupials down a deserted dirt track. In a YouTube scene reminiscent of a horror film, many of the eastern greys stand stock still as Mr Vezina slowly rolls past, eyeballing the camera.

“I feel like … oh my God … instead of a zombie apocalypse, it’s a f—ing kangaroo [apocalypse],” he says, as the camera pans past the animals. Look at them. They’re all just standing there. I mean, should I be going down here?”

A couple of kangaroos hop away but many others stand their ground as Mr Vezina cycles past.

“I’m going to be honest,” he says on camera. “I’m a little terrified.”

Couple of different ways to approach this one. First of all, are you allowed to live in Australia and still be afraid of kangaroos? I thought Australians prided themselves on living in the wild outback where the most deadly animals on earth roam free. Aren’t Australians supposed to be made of stronger stuff? You’ve got deadly snakes, poisonous spiders, carnivorous fish, 75 ABV beer, and the thing you’re going to admit to being terrified of on camera is a fucking KANGAROO? I know kangaroos can have a mean right hook, but come on man.

Get your people in line, Australia. Really not a great look for the entire country to have this be the video that goes viral. Steve Irwin is for sure spinning in his grave right now. Seriously, some Aussie better jump into the ocean and punch a shark to death or something pretty goddamn quick or this could be absolutely disastrous. You can’t have people thinking that Australians are just a bunch of pussy bicyclists afraid of a pack of fuzzy kangaroos. You just can’t have that. All those Foster’s commercials will have been for nothing.

Now, we can also look at this from another perspective, which is that of COURSE bicyclists should be afraid of kangaroos. Mother Nature has shown time and time again that each and every one of her wondrous creatures hates bicyclists just as much as humans do. In fact, I should point out that this isn’t even the opening salvo in the kangaroos crusade against bicyclists. That came earlier this year, when the same publication reported a kangaroo righteously defending his territory from an invading bicyclist rollicking through his front yard at 5:30 in the goddamn morning. No wonder kangaroos hate these fuckers. Absolutely no respect for anyone or anything.

Listen, bicyclists. You brought this on yourselves. If you don’t even respect kangaroos enough to let them get a good night’s sleep in their own habitat, you really can’t be too surprised when the kangapocalypse is upon you. The kangaroos left this guy alone because they saw his camera. They wanted to send a message. Whether that message is a warning or a declaration of war…well, that’s up to the bicyclists.

h/t reader Ernest

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
This entry was posted in Animals and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to If You’re Thinking Of Going For A Bike Ride In Australia, The Kangaroos Would Like You To Think Again

  1. Pingback: Been A While Since I Posted, Hasn’t It? Anyway, Here’s A Story About A Kangaroo Exploding A Bicyclist’s Fake Boobs | I HATE BICYCLISTS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s