Been A While Since I Posted, Hasn’t It? Anyway, Here’s A Story About A Kangaroo Exploding A Bicyclist’s Fake Boobs

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(AP) CANBERRA, Australia — A woman says she and a friend were injured when they were jumped by a kangaroo while cycling in an Australian wine region.

Sharon Heinrich, 45, said Monday that she and her friend Helen Salter, 47, were cycling side by side along a tourist route in the Clare Valley in South Australia state on Wednesday when she saw a large kangaroo standing on a slight rise. As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said. 

“I’ve gone to ride past, I thought: ‘He’s cute,’ and he’s just jumped me and taken out the side of me,” Heinrich said. “As I’m falling, I felt him push off me and then he’s flown to Helen and taken her out. He looked peaceful. He didn’t look angry,” she added.

Heinrich said she broke three ribs and will undergo surgery on Thursday to replace ruptured breast implants.

It’s been a long time since I posted, I know. Months, in fact. I’ve been busy. I’ve been overstretched. But sometimes you come across a story too good to pass up. And when I see a story about an Australian bicyclist getting her tits kicked off by an angry kangaroo, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just ignore it?

The kangaroos long ago declared their allegiance to the anti-bicyclist forces, and for that I am forever grateful. And while I don’t support the harming of breasts in any way, I can hardly blame the kangaroo for defending his turf. After all, aren’t these bicyclists the same ones who are usually all “rah rah save the earth”? They always want to protect the environment, protect the animals, but when it comes to it they have no problem rolling their psychotic death machines straight through some poor kangaroo’s territory. The poor guy was probably just protecting his young from being run the fuck over. In fact, in my mind he probably already lost four or five young’uns to previous bicyclists, so I can hardly blame him for being a little edgy.

My favorite part of this is the comment that he “looked peaceful.” Well of course. What could be more zen than sending a strong message to bicyclists everywhere? He probably had the same look on his face that I get every time I click “submit” on a new blog. Just a feeling of peace, like you’ve done something good in the world. Like I said, do I condone the exploding of bicyclist boobs? Of course not. But you can’t expect a kangaroo to adhere to the same level of morality that we non-bicyclists hold ourselves to. Sometimes a wild animal is just going to defend his turf against a roving horde of bicyclists, and I for one can’t blame them.

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
This entry was posted in Animals and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Been A While Since I Posted, Hasn’t It? Anyway, Here’s A Story About A Kangaroo Exploding A Bicyclist’s Fake Boobs

  1. Ernest says:

    Glad you’re back!

  2. bicyclebill2000 says:

    Hey, look what came out of hibernation!!

  3. Steed says:

    Finally!!

    I thought you’d been killed by a maniacal cycling anarchist !

    Welcome back!

  4. onenameleft says:

    Hey Falco, can you get some video footage of cyclist stupidity? Get a dash cam or a video camera mount. It is a great way to fight back in a nice way, and the bicycle lobby will never see it coming when they try to get their anti-car legislation passed.

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