Donald Trump Declaring That He Will “Never Ever Ride A Bicycle” Has Me Feeling Pretty Conflicted

ben

[RealClearPolitics] DONALD TRUMP: How would you like to be Israel right now? They relied on us. They’re a voice of sanity. They’re great people. And we have a deal that is so incompetent, so bad. Think of the deal. We make a deal, our chief negotiator goes into a bicycle race at 73 years old, he falls he breaks his leg. That was the good part of our deal. That was the only thing that happened. No, think about it. I told people last week. I swear to you I will never ever ride a bicycle, at least in a race, but I won’t ride one anyway.

This is a real tough one for me. On the one hand, Donald Trump is clearly a lunatic. On the other hand, we at the Anti-Bicyclist lobby haven’t had a candidate we can truly rally around since FDR, and that’s pretty much only because he was physically incapable of riding a bicycle. I mean, let’s take a look at our most recent presidents, shall we?

obama bike

dubyabike

clint

ghw

reagan

jc

ford

nixon

All the way back to Nixon! And I could go further! But the thought of seeing Grover Cleveland on a penny-farthing bicycle is enough to make me want to puke my guts out.

So you understand my dilemma. While I don’t at all like the thought of endorsing someone as crude and possibly insane as Donald Trump, I also feel like we’ve had an unbroken run of bicyclist presidents running basically back to the day that infernal contraption was invented. Isn’t it about time we did something about that? Isn’t it about time we had a President who will stand up to these pedal jockeys? Isn’t it about time we elected a man who isn’t afraid to grab them by their spandex waistlines, tell them “enough is enough,” and dish out the wedgie of justice?

Listen, I’m not endorsing Donald Trump. But I’m definitely making eyes at him across the room. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you read between the lines in the book of Revelation, Donald Trump is probably mentioned pretty prominently. But apocalypse be damned, he’s one “Donald Trump Dynamites Bike Rack Outside Trump Tower” headline away from me being fully in the tank for him.

PS. Yeah apparently that really is little baby Gerald Ford. Whatever. I’ve always said youth is no excuse and I’m sure as hell not backing down now.

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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6 Responses to Donald Trump Declaring That He Will “Never Ever Ride A Bicycle” Has Me Feeling Pretty Conflicted

  1. markprestash says:

    i always thought trump was a nut job, but now he seems a lot more sane

  2. onenameleft says:

    Good to hear that Trump appears to not be a bicycle supporter. I like what he says, however people are stuck in that political correctness rut, and can’t handle what he says. However he has changed positions on things and I kind of don’t trust him.

    Here in Wisconsin, the bicycle lobbies complete streets legislation ended up being flushed by the republican state assembly, and Scott walker.

    Bicyclists are wimps, they talk big, but most of them aren’t tough.

    Falco, I don’t know how much of a following you have, I would guess it is mostly bicyclists. I wish motorists would take part to work together to stand up to the bicycle lobby.

  3. Bourbonfueledradcunt says:

    To be fair to Jimmy Carter he is pictured next to a bike, not on it – he could be holding it for some selfish arrogant cyclist who has ducked into a cafe to scab a glass of tap watet and contaminate meals with b.o. and leave a sticky sweat stain on the seat. Poor Jimmy is photographed unawares like “Can you believe this shit?!”. Nixon however has a proven track record and is worse than Hitler.

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