It Appears That, In My Absence, Bicyclists Have Decided That Getting Naked And Assaulting Women Is Just Fine

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[FORT WORTH (CBSDFW.COM)] Police have released a sketch of the man they say shed his clothes, hopped on a bicycle naked then chased down a jogger before jumping off and assaulting her on Saturday.

A witness saw the man sitting on a bench on the Trinity Trails near the 1800 block of Rogers Road at 5:45 p.m. on Saturday. He removed his shorts and rode a bicycle naked westbound from Rogers Road, just north of Texas Christian University, police said.

At 6:12 p.m., a female jogger crossed paths with him as he headed east on the south side of the Trinity Trails path, just west of Edwards Ranch Road. She saw him sitting down near a low water crossing, turned around and ran westbound in the opposite direction. But the naked man chased the jogger and assaulted her.

“He hit her a couple of time in the head and kicked her a couple of times. The female was fighting for her life and was able to escape,” said Fort Worth police officer Daniel Segura. The jogger ran away into a subdivision on Overton Woods where she called police. The woman is expected to recover from her injuries.


Well, well, fucking well.

I disappear for a few months (EDITOR’S NOTE: over a year) and this is what becomes of things. North Korea has nuclear weapons. Donald Trump is president. And bicyclists think they are safe to get naked and assault innocent women.

No. The line must be drawn here. This far, no further. Because guess what? I’m BACK, baby.

I’m honestly not even sure what needs to be said here. It’s a pretty open and shut case. Typical bicyclist strips naked, hops on bike, assaults woman. Ho hum. It’s barely even newsworthy. It’s just classic bicyclist behavior. Laws don’t apply to them. Basic human decency doesn’t apply to them. As far as pretty much every bicyclist is concerned, if you try to stop them from getting naked and beating the shit out of a woman, you’re infringing upon their constitutional rights.

“But Falco,” I can already hear you saying, “surely not every bicyclist is like that.” And sure, that may be true. I can’t corroborate it. I haven’t met every bicyclist. All I know is what I see in the news, and I’m afraid stories like “Fully Clothed Bicyclist Helps Little Old Lady Across Street” haven’t made too many headlines these days. Instead, we get the drug-addled bicyclists. The convict bicyclists. The sex-crazed lunatics who view their bicycle primarily as a means to expose themselves to the women who they will then assault.

Well, to those bicyclists I say this: no more. I’m back. I’m back to expose the crazy, the selfish, the violent, and the generally shitty. And to the rest of you who view me as too extreme, I say only this: you don’t want the truth about bicyclists because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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2 Responses to It Appears That, In My Absence, Bicyclists Have Decided That Getting Naked And Assaulting Women Is Just Fine

  1. Groggopotamus says:

    Good to have the Voice Of Reason back, huzzah!

  2. onenameleft says:

    This isn’t at all surprising.
    Really though I thought a group of crazy pedal pushers got you.

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