If You’re Going To Steal A Bicycle From A Gross Barn, Take The Five Seconds To Dust The Cobwebs Off Before You Ride Away

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MADISON, Ind. (AP) — Southern Indiana police say a tip from an observant citizen who noticed a cobweb-covered man riding a bicycle led to the arrests of two men for allegedly stealing bikes from a barn.

The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office says a caller reported on Sept. 27 seeing a web-covered man who looked as if he’d been digging in a barn.

The Madison Courier reports deputies found the 25-year-old bicyclist near the Ohio River city of Madison and arrested him for burglary and theft. A friend of the man who’s also 25 faces the same charges after deputies found him with a hay-covered bicycle inside his car.

A search of a barn adjacent to a home one of the men was renting revealed that some bicycles stored in its hayloft were missing.

Look, I’m not going to stand here and say I’m the cleanest person on earth. Once in a while I’ll roll out of bed on Saturday morning and decide that, you know what, I don’t really feel like I need a shower today. It happens. Sometimes you deserve a wear-sweatpants-and-play-video-games-on-the-couch- sort of day. I’m totally cool with that, and you should be, too.

But there are times when hygiene and cleanliness matter. For instance, if you’re stealing a bicycle, and the place you’re stealing it from is covered in spider webs so dense you need a machete to hack through them.

If you’re a fan of spiders (and their webs), I’m not here to judge! It definitely seems like this guy was perfectly okay with being covered in them. I’ll admit that, while I’m not terrified of spiders, they definitely creep me out a little. Given the choice between being covered in spiders and not being covered in spiders, I’ll choose not being covered in spiders every time. This guy, he didn’t care. Maybe he loves spiders, and he didn’t want to risk hurting any by brushing them off. Maybe he loves the feeling of silky spider webs against his skin–again, not here to judge. It’s impossible to say for sure.

Whatever the case may be, I submit to you that, in this specific instance, this bicycle thief probably should have spent the five seconds necessary to brush the spider webs off of his body.

But that’s just kind of the story with bicyclists, isn’t it? They’re single-minded creatures. They live in the moment. Whatever compulsion seizes them, they do it. Want to run a red light? DO IT! Want to breeze through a stop sign? GO FOR IT! Want to cut off a car and cause an accident? WHY NOT! They don’t care for laws, they don’t care for the safety of others, so why should they care about being covered in a few pesky spider webs?

It’s just lucky for the rest of us that their compulsiveness is their downfall. If this moron hadn’t hit the streets covered in spider webs, he might never have been caught. He’d have gotten away, perpetuating the violent cycle of bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime. So let this be a lesson bicyclists: it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I care too much. Even bicyclist-on-bicyclist crime breaks my heart, and my desire to eliminate your vile hobby is as much for your own good as my own. Bless your hearts.

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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