If You Think Being Four Years Old Means You Don’t Have To Obey Cycling Laws, Think The Fuck Again

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[People] It was a slow day of crime in Grantham, England, on March 9, apparently.

Sophie Lindley, 4, was biking along Trent Road with her dad, when a police officer approached her and said she had to get off the path on her bike. (Sophie is still using training wheels.)

“He said, ‘The law is the law,’ and she was not allowed to ride on the path,” her father Dale told the BBC. “He said, ‘If I catch you putting her on her bike further up the road I will turn around and confiscate the bike,’ ” Lindley added. 

Sophie’s mother said she knew that it was illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk, but she told the BBC that “it is ridiculous to think a 4-year-old is not allowed … The most unbelievable thing is they were going to confiscate the bike.”

First of all, bless you, cops! Bless you! I know that some people probably think that it’s “harsh” to threaten to confiscate a four-year-old kid’s bike. Some people probably think it’s “going too far” or that it’s “excessive.” Well to those people I say “fuck you.” Kids need to learn from an early age that being a reckless, lawless bicyclist is unacceptable. I’m not saying you need to throw kids in jail, but putting a little fear into them is just fine by me.

And the kid isn’t even the biggest problem. The real villains here are the parents. I mean, how about the stones on mom here?

Sophie’s mother said she knew that it was illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk, but she told the BBC that “it is ridiculous to think a 4-year-old is not allowed … The most unbelievable thing is they were going to confiscate the bike.”

Typical. Just so fucking typical. “We knew it was illegal but we did it anyway because WE ARE OF THE IMMORTAL CABAL OF BICYCLISTS TO WHOM THE LAWS OF MAN DO NOT APPLY!” I don’t know why I let this stuff get to me anymore. I already know for a fact that all bicyclists believe they have immunity from all laws. Why should it shock me that they think laws don’t apply to their kids, either? All I know is, thank God for this hero cop who came by to educate this little girl and hopefully prevent her from growing up to be a scofflaw like her parents.

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Lazy, Hypocritical Bicyclists Can’t Even Maintain Their Own Bike Lanes

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[The Age] A motorist wielding a large wooden bat attacked a group of cyclists after screaming abuse at them, one of the riders has claimed. A triathlete, who requested to be known only as Brad, said he was riding with his coach and five other cyclists on Point Nepean Road at Rye on the Mornington Peninsula on Saturday morning when they were confronted by a man on the street, waving the bat.

He said the same man had driven past them earlier, screaming abuse.

(….)

The driver accused the cyclists of blocking the road, Brad said. However, Brad said it was not safe for him and his teammates to ride in the bike lane on Point Nepean Road at the time, because it was in “terrible condition”.

He said the incident highlighted the need for councils to better maintain bike lanes. “They’re full of potholes, loose gravel, are very lumpy and are essentially unrideable. I don’t even think the street sweeper goes over them too often,” he said.

Look, I’m not gonna sit here and defend this guy. He lost his mind. He went overboard. He definitely shouldn’t have done what he did. But we’ve all been there. We’ve all been sitting behind a group of bicyclists blocking the road for miles, just steadfastly refusing to let anyone by them. We’ve all wished we could attack those people with a goddamn bat. Now, mind you, we don’t do it. We don’t do it because behaving like a savage is bicyclist territory. We, the normal, decent people of the world, don’t sink to that level. This guy makes us all look bad. So do I condone it? Of course not. But I understand.

But that’s really all beside the point here. How many times have you heard a bicyclist rant and rave about the evils of cars? How many times have you heard bicyclists proclaim the bicycle as the ultimate mode of transportation? How many times have you heard the spandex-clad lunatic fringe loudly express wonderment about how ANYONE could be STUPID enough to drive GAS GUZZLERS in this day and age?

I guess that’s all well and good until you need your precious bike lane cleared. Oh no, the street sweeper barely touches the bike lanes! Hey “Brad,” if that’s even your name, you pussy, why don’t you try attaching a push broom to your fucking bicycle and doing a little dusting yourself? You know what that street sweeper you’re so pathetically begging for is? A MOTOR VEHICLE. You know, one of those evil devices that you and your brain dead brethren have proclaimed as the downfall of humanity. You don’t want a filthy bike lane? Don’t rely on us evil polluters to clean it for you. Do a little dusting yourself. You want your potholes fixed? Well I sure hope you’ve figured out a way to pave the road with your bicycle because as far as the rest of us are concerned, you can go fuck yourself.

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h/t reader Ernest

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This Disgusting Poster Implying That Bicyclists Are In Any Way Sexually Desirable Has Been Rightly Banned

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[Irish Mirror] A race competition poster showing a cyclist pinching a podium girl’s bum has been withdrawn after complaints it was ‘sexist’.

The image is being used to promote the annual Belgian E3 Harelbeke cycling race.

It is accompanied by the caption ‘Wie ‘knijpt’ ze in Harelbeke’ which translates to ‘Who will ‘pinch’ the Harelbeke this year?’

It is thought to be a reference to the 2013 Tour of Flanders, when Slovakian rider Peter Sagan squeezed a woman’s backside on the winner’s podium.

He later apologised for his actions in a Facebook video and gave the woman a bunch of flowers.

When I look at internet porn, I appreciate when the director tries to inject a bit of a story. It has to be sort of believable. Hey, that girl just wants to be cast in a movie and she’s willing to do anything. I get it. Or hey, this guy did such a good job fixing the cable that the woman of the house wants to reward him. Sure. Or wow, that poor college girl didn’t have any money to tip the pizza guy with, but she didn’t want to send him away disappointed! How thoughtful!

This poster, on the other hand, is just disgusting. It’s vile. And it’s false advertising. I mean, if I had to make a list of the least sexually desirable people on the planet earth, bicyclists would be far and away tops on the list. Slap the most attractive woman in the world into spandex and put her on a bike, I’m still not watching that porno. There’s no scenario you can concoct in which it makes sense. My immersion is broken. It just isn’t believable.

Because if there’s one thing we know about bicyclists, it’s that they don’t give one single shit about anyone other than themselves. And sex is a two way street. If only one person is putting in any effort, chances are it’s not going to be enjoyable for either of you. So how could you possibly believe that a bicyclist would be fun to fuck? There’s absolutely no chance a bicyclist is going to find time to work the shaft appropriately if she’s too busy screaming about sharing the road. How can you possibly expect to establish any sort of rhythm if your bicyclist partner is busy imagining ways to block traffic? Bicyclists don’t go with the flow. They OBSTRUCT the flow. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about sex, it’s that an obstructed flow is going to put a pretty huge damper on your enjoyment.

Listen. No one is ever going to mistake me for the PC Police. Basically all I do here is make fun of people in terrible, over-the-top ways. But at least when I make ridiculous statements and claims, everything I say has a grain of truth to it. I mean, bicyclists ARE lawless, heathen, drug-addicted sociopaths. They DO think that they can get away with absolutely anything and don’t give a fuck how much damage they cause along the way, or to whom. These are just facts. I don’t have to spin these things. But putting out bicyclist propaganda that implies that there’s any way in the world that anyone would want to fuck a bicyclist? Not even remotely the same territory. I won’t stand for such damaging lies, and apparently neither will the Belgians.

Welcome to the fight, Belgium. Stand up for truth. Tell these bikefucks we won’t tolerate their lies, their propaganda, or their naked bodies.

(image source)

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Nothing New Here, Just A Rage-Fueled Bike Monster Punching A 78-Year-Old Man In The Face

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[Cleveland Plain Dealer] A 78-year-old Parma Heights man was assaulted by a man riding a bicycle Feb. 19. The bicyclist was riding in the roadway, and when the older man told him to move over, the bicyclist broke his side mirror and punched him in the nose. Officer arrived on the scene but were unable to find the suspect.

There you have it, folks. Just further proof that when bicyclists say “share the road,” what they really mean is “let me have the whole road.” How else can you explain their insistence on riding in the dead center of the road and their consistent refusal to show any sort of common human decency when it comes to allowing faster vehicles an unobstructed roadway? Bicyclists don’t care how late you are to work or how many times faster than their top speed the speed limit might be. They care about making a point, and their point is apparently that they can be bigger dickheads than you.

In a way, you almost have to respect the bicyclist mentality. It’s very egalitarian. No favoritism whatsoever. No matter who you are, they treat you the same way: like an asshole. White guy, black girl, young woman, old man…it’s all the same in the mind of a bicyclist. If you think the fact that you’re a frail old septuagenarian is going to save you from a shattered mirror and a punch to the fucking dome, THINK AGAIN! Bicyclists are equal opportunity aggressors. You wanna step in the ring with a bicyclists, you better wear a fucking helmet (not them though, helmet laws are a fascist infringement on their basic human rights and anyone who supports them is literally Hitler).

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Kangaroos Are The Latest Animals To Join Mother Nature’s Battle Against Bicyclists

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[Canberra Times] Darren Jones is one of a string of bike riders to have narrowly survived collisions with kangaroos across Canberra. 

The 45-year-old father was flung off his bike when a kangaroo jumped out and hit his front wheel at 5.30am, before sunrise, on February 3.

“I remember hitting my head and then it went black,” he said. “I must have skidded about six metres. I woke up on my back and looking up at the sky I wondered how long I’d been out.” 

The confident cyclist was travelling close to 40km/h down the steep section of road in Aranda.

I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve heard from a new member of mother nature’s animal kingdom, but man, kangaroos sure know how to make a goddamn splash!

To be honest, the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long for kangaroos to join the fight. Let’s face it, kangaroos have always been among the most ornery creatures on the planet, and it’s only natural that bicyclists would be ignorantly invading their territory because, as I’ve proven time and time again, bicyclists talk a big game about saving the planet but don’t actually know a single fucking thing about nature.

So props to this kangaroo for standing up for himself. You wanna come through kangaroo territory at 5:30 in the fucking morning, you best be riding something heavier than a bike, motherfucker. Those ‘roos aren’t gonna stand for your shit. They know what’s up. They know what’s right. And if nobody else is going to stand up for truth and justice in Australia, it’s good to know that the kangaroos have it covered.

(image source)

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Lance Armstrong Gives His Bicyclist Detractors A Giant Middle Finger, Says If He Could Go Back In Time He’d Cheat All Over Again

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[BBC] Shamed cyclist Lance Armstrong believes the time is coming when he should be forgiven for doping and lying – and told the BBC he would probably do it again.

Armstrong, 43, was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles and banned from sport for life by the United States Anti-Doping Agency (Usada) in August 2012.

“If I was racing in 2015, no, I wouldn’t do it again because I don’t think you have to,” he said.

“If you take me back to 1995, when doping was completely pervasive, I would probably do it again.”

What can I say about Lance Armstrong that I haven’t already said? Plain and simple, the man is an American hero. I know that might seem a little incongruous with the basic message of this block, but longtime readers will know my stance on Lance Armstrong well. Has Lance Armstrong ever blocked a street? Ever demanded that you share the road? Has he ever blown through a stoplight and flipped off a driver who dares come within his eight foot bubble? No. He has not. All Lance did was go win one of the craziest international athletic competitions ever seven times in a fucking row. With one testicle. For AMERICA.

Oh boo hoo, Lance Armstrong cheated. Cry me a fucking river. The fact that bicyclists still get to pretend like their sport has a modicum of integrity is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The NCAA is like the gold standard for corruption in sports, and at least they’ve only had to vacate a handful of national champions. Hell, even FIFA hasn’t had to vacate any World Cup champions. Meanwhile, in the last 25 years, 68% of Tour de France champions have been caught doping. 68 fucking percent! And yet these bicyclists act like Lance Armstrong isn’t one of them. He’s an OUTLIER. He brings SHAME to their “sport.” I’ve got five words for you people: Give. Me. A. Fucking. BREAK.

So you HAVE to love Lance coming out with both middle fingers raised firmly in the air here. Basically just saying yup, I cheated, and so did everyone else. Would I go back and change it? Fuck no! I still dominated you assholes on an even playing field, and it’s about time you got the fuck over it. Just an absolute A+ effort on Lance’s part. If you hate Lance, you hate America. That’s basically what this boils down to. And if you hate America, well, we don’t really have to listen to anything you say, do we? Because you’re probably just another traitorous bicyclist hypocrite.

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Bono May Never Play Guitar Again Because He Got Run Over By A Bicyclist While Also Riding A Bicycle

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[CNN] Bono has shared with fans that recovery from an accident has been slow going and that he’s worried he may never play guitar again.

The U2 frontman underwent hours of multiple surgeries in November after a bicycle accident in New York City when he tried to avoid another rider in Central Park. The singer broke his arm in six spots, and he fractured his eye socket and shoulder blade.

On New Year’s Day, he posted a blog entry on the band’s website in which he detailed his struggle.

“Recovery has been more difficult than I thought,” Bono wrote. “As I write this, it is not clear that I will ever play guitar again. The band have reminded me that neither they nor Western civilization are depending on this.”

I’m a little ashamed that I missed this story when it first broke, but, to be fair, I do pride myself on NOT knowing what Bono is up to on a daily basis.

Anyway, it’s tough to pick a side in this one, because it’s not hard to imagine exactly what happened. Given that bicyclists think that they are the center of the universe and everything else revolves completely around them, they probably both cruised down the path at full speed, each supremely confident that the other would swerve out of the way, until they smashed together in a tangled heap of broken bones and wounded pride.

And listen. I have nothing against Bono. Well, that’s not true. I think Bono is an outrageous, self-aggrandizing asshole. But so does everyone else. It’s just kind of an accepted fact at this point. So really, what did you expect from Bono? Of COURSE he would be a bicyclist. It might make the most sense out of anything ever. So while it’s tempting to take the other bicyclist’s side just for the sake of rooting against Bono, I can’t do it. I can’t choose the average bicyclist over Bono, because at heart, Bono IS the average bicyclist. He’s a self-satisfied douchebag who thinks the rest of the world revolves around him. And what, I’m supposed to hate him more because he’s rich? Fuck that. That just means he’s taken the bicyclist mentality and found a way to channel it into something productive. Do I hate it? Sure. But goddammit, I respect it. If nothing else, it’s a step up from the rest of these twats.

So, in conclusion, fuck Bono. But fuck the other guy just as much. May they both rot in bicyclist hell.

h/t to reader Eric for the tip

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Oklahoma City Gets It, Is Considering A Three Foot Rule For Bicyclists Instead Of Drivers

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[Bike OKC] A new ordinance put forward by councilman Pat Ryan (Ward 8) would require bikes to maintain 3 feet between themselves and any motor vehicles traveling in the same direction.  The measure has been approved by the Oklahoma City Traffic Commission and will go before City Council in January.  The law currently states that drivers must provide 3 feet between their cars and cyclists when passing.

In addition to cyclists giving 3 feet to cars, the ordinance has additional language about where they should be riding.  For example, the proposed ordinance states “every person operating a bicycle upon a roadway shall ride as near to the right-hand side of the roadway as is safe”.  This basically negates the signs posted around town allowing cyclists to use the full lane, which is the safer way to ride on street without a bike lane, and forces them to ride in the gutter.  The ordinance also states that “persons riding bicycles shall not ride more than two abreast except on bicycle paths” and “when riding on roadways with designated bicycle lanes, the bicycle operator shall ride within the bicycle lane”.

Well how about that for a light in the darkness! Oklahoma City knows what’s up!

I absolutely LOVE how bent out of shape bicyclists are about this. It’s the most common sense rule in the history of rules. In fact, it doesn’t even REALLY say it’s a “three foot rule,” it says they need to ride “as near as is safe” to the right-hand side of the road. The fact that they aren’t already doing that basically proves the bicyclists are subhumans with zero common sense or survival instinct. Well, either that or they’re litigious asswipes who value the opportunity to sue the pants off a law-abiding motorist more than their own personal safety.

Either way, putting the onus on bicyclists instead of cars is a surefire way to make sure bicyclists at least have to stop and consider what they’re doing. Even if all they’re considering is how their actions will reduce the likelihood of a successful lawsuit. Hey, progress is progress.

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The Following Is A Piece Of 100% Real, Actual Hate Mail That I Received The Other Day

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Yes, I know. It has been a long while since my last post. However, sometimes real life intervenes, and in this instance “real life” means changing jobs and returning to the friendly confines of New England, abandoning once and for all the bicyclist-infested hellscape that is our nation’s capital.

To make up for my long absence, I present to you this offering: an absolutely beautiful piece of hate mail from an angry sexagenarian. The simple knowledge that my work has inspired someone to waste what was likely several hours of what limited life they may have left makes it all worthwhile.

Here it is in its entirety:

“Now, if an individual had attacked me in this way without a car, then it would have been a shocking assault that would have ended in court. But as my attacker was car-borne, it’s no such thing. Why is this so? Why are car-borne assaults of this kind deemed so trivial and understandable? Why can people knock you flying, mangle your property, and then think it reasonable, if they were in a car at the time,  to say they were terribly sorry, they don’t know how it happened, they’ve never had an accident before, etc , etc,”

“In the case of the driver the danger is almost entirely to others, and hardly at all to him or her. Seatbelts, anti-lock brakes, side-impact protection, airbags and the rest have in the past few years made the occupants of cars incredibly safe in almost anything short of a head-on collision.

I think this has encouraged a subconscious (FOR THE RECORD, I DON’T EVEN THINK IT IS SUBCONSCIOUS) carelessness which is really, really important where there are pedestrians or cyclists within range. For they, unlike the car-borne,  are not safer. On the contrary. Drivers of cars, and even buses, accelerate and brake more violently, drive faster, go round corners as if they could see round them, when they can’t,  and take less care because of these safety devices which surround them. The risks to us soft targets increase. I was surprised how badly I and the bike were bashed, at what must have been a very low-speed impact. They are also just that bit more careless than they otherwise would be.”

“Anyway, this is just one of a dozen reasons why I wish cars had never been invented. Their benefits, such as they are, don’t begin to counterbalance the damage they do, the ugliness, noise and desolation they bring to city and countryside alike”.

The above quotes are from an article by Peter Hitchens, Daily Mail journalist. Now for me –

I am sixty six years of age and have never owned a car. When I was younger (in my teens and early twenties) everyone but everyone was getting a car; and I thought “Yeh, that is the trend”. I gave some thought to the proposition, the negatives outweighed the positives – in fact there were no positives as far as I was concerned.  One particular negative hit me hard “Jesus! I could easily kill someone if I owned a car”.

Five years later I got myself a push bike.  My innocent way of thinking concluded cycling was cheap, healthy, and harmless. I wasn’t aware then of how power and status conscious people were; to their way of thinking bikes were were for peasants and paupers – never occurs to such people that there are other things in this world than power and status. I once cycled to a work social occasion, I recall the barely hidden ridicule and horror from my work colleagues.

I was once practically thrown off a housing development site (I went with a view to a purchase) because I had the temerity to turn up on a bike.

Power and status.

In the UK over thirty thousand people have been killed on our roads in the last ten years, ONE QUARTER OF THEM PASSIVE PEDESTRIANS. Hundreds of thousands have been seriously injured, again ONE QUARTER OF THEM PASSIVE PEDESTRIANS – serious means life changing injuries, loss of limbs, loss of eyes, brain damage etc. Minor injuries would be close to one million.

The penalty for killing someone in the UK is a life sentence. The penalty for serious violent assault is ten, fifteen, even twenty years in jail. Those who kill, or injure, whilst driving a car receive the equivalent of a slap on the wrist – driving a car is a licence to kill or seriously injure.

There is no such thing as a car ACCIDENT. The moment anyone gets behind the wheel of a car they become potential killers. If a guy goes out with a knife or a loaded gun, in the UK at least, they are committing an offence. It is the modern world and powerful lobby groups which have created a situation whereby a certain group of people are allowed to kill and maim with limited consequence for themselves.

The private motor car is the vilest thing on our planet. As well as killing and maiming, it desecrates our town, cities, and residential areas. It pollutes, and pollutes to the extent that it kills even more indirectly (heart disease, pulmonary disorders etc) than it kills directly.

But of course all of this is the price we pay for progress, power and status – most surely more worthy than a few dead peasants.

Kindest regards (not)

It’s a work of art. Breathtaking in its perfection. From the assertion that “the private motor car is the vilest thing on our planet” (come on man, have you ever SEEN a lamprey?) to the absolutely astonishing statement that it took FIVE YEARS of careful consideration before deciding to buy a bike. I mean listen, bikes aren’t for me, but if I came to the conclusion that cars were the devil, I doubt it would take me five fucking years to notice that there actually ARE other types of vehicles. Five years, man! Five years!

PS. I gotta admit he got me with the “(not)” though. I kind of thought we had come to an understanding by the end there and then BOOM the rug gets pulled right out from under me. Just an absolutely brutal diss to end with, I am floored, just floored by the disrespect.

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When The Entire World Gets Ebola, You Can Just Go Ahead And Blame Bicyclists

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Wouldn’t it be great to be surprised by this news? Wouldn’t it be awesome to have your head so far in the sand that you could read this and be shocked? I guess I’m just a little too jaded for that. I just can’t help being a realist. I’ve met one too many bicyclists. Read one too many stories.

Because this is Bicyclist 101 right here: “Maybe I have Ebola, maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll infect the whole world and bring about the end of modern civilization, maybe I won’t. All I know is I want to ride my bicycle right fucking now, so that’s what I’m going to do.” I have to say, it must be nice. It must be nice to care so little about the rest of the world that you can drop all other concerns up to and including causing the goddamn apocalypse and just ride your bike around town. You can’t buy that sort of piece of mind. But apparently you can get it for free just by throwing on some spandex and hopping on a bicycle.

That’s just the way they are though. Apparently this woman is just going to ride around town sowing the seeds of Ebola like a pestilent Johnny Appleseed. You watch what happens. Just watch. Guaranteed the rest of the bicycling community will jump to her defense with pseudoscience about how “actually, cars are to blame here, because the air circulation system in a car serves as an effective incubator for the virus, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF CARS AND EBOLA WILL BE GONE FOREVER!” It’s gonna be great.

PS. Is it possible the End Times really are upon us? I have to admit I always thought the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would ride, well, horses. But then again the book of Revelation was written a long-ass time ago. Poor St. John probably had no idea what he was looking at. Probably saw the Rider of Death on her shiny metal bicycle and just went “ahh what the shit is that, fuck it, I’m on a deadline, just gonna call it a horse.”

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