Nothing New Here, Just A Rage-Fueled Bike Monster Punching A 78-Year-Old Man In The Face

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[Cleveland Plain Dealer] A 78-year-old Parma Heights man was assaulted by a man riding a bicycle Feb. 19. The bicyclist was riding in the roadway, and when the older man told him to move over, the bicyclist broke his side mirror and punched him in the nose. Officer arrived on the scene but were unable to find the suspect.

There you have it, folks. Just further proof that when bicyclists say “share the road,” what they really mean is “let me have the whole road.” How else can you explain their insistence on riding in the dead center of the road and their consistent refusal to show any sort of common human decency when it comes to allowing faster vehicles an unobstructed roadway? Bicyclists don’t care how late you are to work or how many times faster than their top speed the speed limit might be. They care about making a point, and their point is apparently that they can be bigger dickheads than you.

In a way, you almost have to respect the bicyclist mentality. It’s very egalitarian. No favoritism whatsoever. No matter who you are, they treat you the same way: like an asshole. White guy, black girl, young woman, old man…it’s all the same in the mind of a bicyclist. If you think the fact that you’re a frail old septuagenarian is going to save you from a shattered mirror and a punch to the fucking dome, THINK AGAIN! Bicyclists are equal opportunity aggressors. You wanna step in the ring with a bicyclists, you better wear a fucking helmet (not them though, helmet laws are a fascist infringement on their basic human rights and anyone who supports them is literally Hitler).

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Kangaroos Are The Latest Animals To Join Mother Nature’s Battle Against Bicyclists

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[Canberra Times] Darren Jones is one of a string of bike riders to have narrowly survived collisions with kangaroos across Canberra. 

The 45-year-old father was flung off his bike when a kangaroo jumped out and hit his front wheel at 5.30am, before sunrise, on February 3.

“I remember hitting my head and then it went black,” he said. “I must have skidded about six metres. I woke up on my back and looking up at the sky I wondered how long I’d been out.” 

The confident cyclist was travelling close to 40km/h down the steep section of road in Aranda.

I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve heard from a new member of mother nature’s animal kingdom, but man, kangaroos sure know how to make a goddamn splash!

To be honest, the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long for kangaroos to join the fight. Let’s face it, kangaroos have always been among the most ornery creatures on the planet, and it’s only natural that bicyclists would be ignorantly invading their territory because, as I’ve proven time and time again, bicyclists talk a big game about saving the planet but don’t actually know a single fucking thing about nature.

So props to this kangaroo for standing up for himself. You wanna come through kangaroo territory at 5:30 in the fucking morning, you best be riding something heavier than a bike, motherfucker. Those ‘roos aren’t gonna stand for your shit. They know what’s up. They know what’s right. And if nobody else is going to stand up for truth and justice in Australia, it’s good to know that the kangaroos have it covered.

(image source)

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Lance Armstrong Gives His Bicyclist Detractors A Giant Middle Finger, Says If He Could Go Back In Time He’d Cheat All Over Again

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[BBC] Shamed cyclist Lance Armstrong believes the time is coming when he should be forgiven for doping and lying – and told the BBC he would probably do it again.

Armstrong, 43, was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles and banned from sport for life by the United States Anti-Doping Agency (Usada) in August 2012.

“If I was racing in 2015, no, I wouldn’t do it again because I don’t think you have to,” he said.

“If you take me back to 1995, when doping was completely pervasive, I would probably do it again.”

What can I say about Lance Armstrong that I haven’t already said? Plain and simple, the man is an American hero. I know that might seem a little incongruous with the basic message of this block, but longtime readers will know my stance on Lance Armstrong well. Has Lance Armstrong ever blocked a street? Ever demanded that you share the road? Has he ever blown through a stoplight and flipped off a driver who dares come within his eight foot bubble? No. He has not. All Lance did was go win one of the craziest international athletic competitions ever seven times in a fucking row. With one testicle. For AMERICA.

Oh boo hoo, Lance Armstrong cheated. Cry me a fucking river. The fact that bicyclists still get to pretend like their sport has a modicum of integrity is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The NCAA is like the gold standard for corruption in sports, and at least they’ve only had to vacate a handful of national champions. Hell, even FIFA hasn’t had to vacate any World Cup champions. Meanwhile, in the last 25 years, 68% of Tour de France champions have been caught doping. 68 fucking percent! And yet these bicyclists act like Lance Armstrong isn’t one of them. He’s an OUTLIER. He brings SHAME to their “sport.” I’ve got five words for you people: Give. Me. A. Fucking. BREAK.

So you HAVE to love Lance coming out with both middle fingers raised firmly in the air here. Basically just saying yup, I cheated, and so did everyone else. Would I go back and change it? Fuck no! I still dominated you assholes on an even playing field, and it’s about time you got the fuck over it. Just an absolute A+ effort on Lance’s part. If you hate Lance, you hate America. That’s basically what this boils down to. And if you hate America, well, we don’t really have to listen to anything you say, do we? Because you’re probably just another traitorous bicyclist hypocrite.

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Bono May Never Play Guitar Again Because He Got Run Over By A Bicyclist While Also Riding A Bicycle

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[CNN] Bono has shared with fans that recovery from an accident has been slow going and that he’s worried he may never play guitar again.

The U2 frontman underwent hours of multiple surgeries in November after a bicycle accident in New York City when he tried to avoid another rider in Central Park. The singer broke his arm in six spots, and he fractured his eye socket and shoulder blade.

On New Year’s Day, he posted a blog entry on the band’s website in which he detailed his struggle.

“Recovery has been more difficult than I thought,” Bono wrote. “As I write this, it is not clear that I will ever play guitar again. The band have reminded me that neither they nor Western civilization are depending on this.”

I’m a little ashamed that I missed this story when it first broke, but, to be fair, I do pride myself on NOT knowing what Bono is up to on a daily basis.

Anyway, it’s tough to pick a side in this one, because it’s not hard to imagine exactly what happened. Given that bicyclists think that they are the center of the universe and everything else revolves completely around them, they probably both cruised down the path at full speed, each supremely confident that the other would swerve out of the way, until they smashed together in a tangled heap of broken bones and wounded pride.

And listen. I have nothing against Bono. Well, that’s not true. I think Bono is an outrageous, self-aggrandizing asshole. But so does everyone else. It’s just kind of an accepted fact at this point. So really, what did you expect from Bono? Of COURSE he would be a bicyclist. It might make the most sense out of anything ever. So while it’s tempting to take the other bicyclist’s side just for the sake of rooting against Bono, I can’t do it. I can’t choose the average bicyclist over Bono, because at heart, Bono IS the average bicyclist. He’s a self-satisfied douchebag who thinks the rest of the world revolves around him. And what, I’m supposed to hate him more because he’s rich? Fuck that. That just means he’s taken the bicyclist mentality and found a way to channel it into something productive. Do I hate it? Sure. But goddammit, I respect it. If nothing else, it’s a step up from the rest of these twats.

So, in conclusion, fuck Bono. But fuck the other guy just as much. May they both rot in bicyclist hell.

h/t to reader Eric for the tip

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Oklahoma City Gets It, Is Considering A Three Foot Rule For Bicyclists Instead Of Drivers

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[Bike OKC] A new ordinance put forward by councilman Pat Ryan (Ward 8) would require bikes to maintain 3 feet between themselves and any motor vehicles traveling in the same direction.  The measure has been approved by the Oklahoma City Traffic Commission and will go before City Council in January.  The law currently states that drivers must provide 3 feet between their cars and cyclists when passing.

In addition to cyclists giving 3 feet to cars, the ordinance has additional language about where they should be riding.  For example, the proposed ordinance states “every person operating a bicycle upon a roadway shall ride as near to the right-hand side of the roadway as is safe”.  This basically negates the signs posted around town allowing cyclists to use the full lane, which is the safer way to ride on street without a bike lane, and forces them to ride in the gutter.  The ordinance also states that “persons riding bicycles shall not ride more than two abreast except on bicycle paths” and “when riding on roadways with designated bicycle lanes, the bicycle operator shall ride within the bicycle lane”.

Well how about that for a light in the darkness! Oklahoma City knows what’s up!

I absolutely LOVE how bent out of shape bicyclists are about this. It’s the most common sense rule in the history of rules. In fact, it doesn’t even REALLY say it’s a “three foot rule,” it says they need to ride “as near as is safe” to the right-hand side of the road. The fact that they aren’t already doing that basically proves the bicyclists are subhumans with zero common sense or survival instinct. Well, either that or they’re litigious asswipes who value the opportunity to sue the pants off a law-abiding motorist more than their own personal safety.

Either way, putting the onus on bicyclists instead of cars is a surefire way to make sure bicyclists at least have to stop and consider what they’re doing. Even if all they’re considering is how their actions will reduce the likelihood of a successful lawsuit. Hey, progress is progress.

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The Following Is A Piece Of 100% Real, Actual Hate Mail That I Received The Other Day

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Yes, I know. It has been a long while since my last post. However, sometimes real life intervenes, and in this instance “real life” means changing jobs and returning to the friendly confines of New England, abandoning once and for all the bicyclist-infested hellscape that is our nation’s capital.

To make up for my long absence, I present to you this offering: an absolutely beautiful piece of hate mail from an angry sexagenarian. The simple knowledge that my work has inspired someone to waste what was likely several hours of what limited life they may have left makes it all worthwhile.

Here it is in its entirety:

“Now, if an individual had attacked me in this way without a car, then it would have been a shocking assault that would have ended in court. But as my attacker was car-borne, it’s no such thing. Why is this so? Why are car-borne assaults of this kind deemed so trivial and understandable? Why can people knock you flying, mangle your property, and then think it reasonable, if they were in a car at the time,  to say they were terribly sorry, they don’t know how it happened, they’ve never had an accident before, etc , etc,”

“In the case of the driver the danger is almost entirely to others, and hardly at all to him or her. Seatbelts, anti-lock brakes, side-impact protection, airbags and the rest have in the past few years made the occupants of cars incredibly safe in almost anything short of a head-on collision.

I think this has encouraged a subconscious (FOR THE RECORD, I DON’T EVEN THINK IT IS SUBCONSCIOUS) carelessness which is really, really important where there are pedestrians or cyclists within range. For they, unlike the car-borne,  are not safer. On the contrary. Drivers of cars, and even buses, accelerate and brake more violently, drive faster, go round corners as if they could see round them, when they can’t,  and take less care because of these safety devices which surround them. The risks to us soft targets increase. I was surprised how badly I and the bike were bashed, at what must have been a very low-speed impact. They are also just that bit more careless than they otherwise would be.”

“Anyway, this is just one of a dozen reasons why I wish cars had never been invented. Their benefits, such as they are, don’t begin to counterbalance the damage they do, the ugliness, noise and desolation they bring to city and countryside alike”.

The above quotes are from an article by Peter Hitchens, Daily Mail journalist. Now for me –

I am sixty six years of age and have never owned a car. When I was younger (in my teens and early twenties) everyone but everyone was getting a car; and I thought “Yeh, that is the trend”. I gave some thought to the proposition, the negatives outweighed the positives – in fact there were no positives as far as I was concerned.  One particular negative hit me hard “Jesus! I could easily kill someone if I owned a car”.

Five years later I got myself a push bike.  My innocent way of thinking concluded cycling was cheap, healthy, and harmless. I wasn’t aware then of how power and status conscious people were; to their way of thinking bikes were were for peasants and paupers – never occurs to such people that there are other things in this world than power and status. I once cycled to a work social occasion, I recall the barely hidden ridicule and horror from my work colleagues.

I was once practically thrown off a housing development site (I went with a view to a purchase) because I had the temerity to turn up on a bike.

Power and status.

In the UK over thirty thousand people have been killed on our roads in the last ten years, ONE QUARTER OF THEM PASSIVE PEDESTRIANS. Hundreds of thousands have been seriously injured, again ONE QUARTER OF THEM PASSIVE PEDESTRIANS – serious means life changing injuries, loss of limbs, loss of eyes, brain damage etc. Minor injuries would be close to one million.

The penalty for killing someone in the UK is a life sentence. The penalty for serious violent assault is ten, fifteen, even twenty years in jail. Those who kill, or injure, whilst driving a car receive the equivalent of a slap on the wrist – driving a car is a licence to kill or seriously injure.

There is no such thing as a car ACCIDENT. The moment anyone gets behind the wheel of a car they become potential killers. If a guy goes out with a knife or a loaded gun, in the UK at least, they are committing an offence. It is the modern world and powerful lobby groups which have created a situation whereby a certain group of people are allowed to kill and maim with limited consequence for themselves.

The private motor car is the vilest thing on our planet. As well as killing and maiming, it desecrates our town, cities, and residential areas. It pollutes, and pollutes to the extent that it kills even more indirectly (heart disease, pulmonary disorders etc) than it kills directly.

But of course all of this is the price we pay for progress, power and status – most surely more worthy than a few dead peasants.

Kindest regards (not)

It’s a work of art. Breathtaking in its perfection. From the assertion that “the private motor car is the vilest thing on our planet” (come on man, have you ever SEEN a lamprey?) to the absolutely astonishing statement that it took FIVE YEARS of careful consideration before deciding to buy a bike. I mean listen, bikes aren’t for me, but if I came to the conclusion that cars were the devil, I doubt it would take me five fucking years to notice that there actually ARE other types of vehicles. Five years, man! Five years!

PS. I gotta admit he got me with the “(not)” though. I kind of thought we had come to an understanding by the end there and then BOOM the rug gets pulled right out from under me. Just an absolutely brutal diss to end with, I am floored, just floored by the disrespect.

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When The Entire World Gets Ebola, You Can Just Go Ahead And Blame Bicyclists

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Wouldn’t it be great to be surprised by this news? Wouldn’t it be awesome to have your head so far in the sand that you could read this and be shocked? I guess I’m just a little too jaded for that. I just can’t help being a realist. I’ve met one too many bicyclists. Read one too many stories.

Because this is Bicyclist 101 right here: “Maybe I have Ebola, maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll infect the whole world and bring about the end of modern civilization, maybe I won’t. All I know is I want to ride my bicycle right fucking now, so that’s what I’m going to do.” I have to say, it must be nice. It must be nice to care so little about the rest of the world that you can drop all other concerns up to and including causing the goddamn apocalypse and just ride your bike around town. You can’t buy that sort of piece of mind. But apparently you can get it for free just by throwing on some spandex and hopping on a bicycle.

That’s just the way they are though. Apparently this woman is just going to ride around town sowing the seeds of Ebola like a pestilent Johnny Appleseed. You watch what happens. Just watch. Guaranteed the rest of the bicycling community will jump to her defense with pseudoscience about how “actually, cars are to blame here, because the air circulation system in a car serves as an effective incubator for the virus, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF CARS AND EBOLA WILL BE GONE FOREVER!” It’s gonna be great.

PS. Is it possible the End Times really are upon us? I have to admit I always thought the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would ride, well, horses. But then again the book of Revelation was written a long-ass time ago. Poor St. John probably had no idea what he was looking at. Probably saw the Rider of Death on her shiny metal bicycle and just went “ahh what the shit is that, fuck it, I’m on a deadline, just gonna call it a horse.”

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Looks Like Londoners Are Finally Starting To Fight Back Against The Bicyclist Scourge

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[Sevenoaks Chronicle] BIGGIN Hill villagers have rounded on cycling clubs this week with a public sign labelling them ‘lycra louts’.

Clubs travelling through the village have been slammed by villagers for ‘polluting’ the area with their route markers.

The notice which is stuck up close to Indian restaurant Shampan At The Spinning Wheel gives a strongly-worded warning to clubs not to use the plastic signs.

It states: “Cycling clubs: Do not attach arrows in this area they will be removed. Lycra louts are not welcome here! Blocking our roads and polluting our countryside with orange plastic signs.”

Lycra louts! Brilliant! Leave it to the Brits to come up with new and creative insults that the rest of us haven’t thought of yet. And of course they’re totally right. Get your fucking arrows off my telephone poles! You can’t just run around plastering your bicycle props all over town like you own the place. You know what we call that in the civilized world? Vandalism. That’s all you are, you pedalfucking douchebags. A bunch of goddamn vandals ruining the beautiful and picturesque landscape you profess to love so much.

It really is massively hypocritical. It’s like they don’t even stop to think about what they’re doing for a single second. Don’t sit here and tell me that you believe in bicycling because you want to save the environment, then staple a bunch of laminated paper arrows around town. We all know what happens. Eventually the staples fall out and everything falls down. Now you’ve got a bunch of non-biodegradable trash floating around town and a squirrel is choking to death on the staple. You bicyclists make me sick. Just wantonly killing small animals so you can tell the other members of your anarchist cabal to make a left turn instead of a right.

Typical, though. No real surprise. Bicyclists talk a big game about saving the earth but when it comes right down to it all they really care about is themselves. Sad thing is if they weren’t such a bunch of Luddite dickheads they might notice that their stupid paper arrows have been obsolete for about a decade now. Wake up morons, every phone has a GPS now. How about you take a break from your meth-fueled chipmunk murder spree and upgrade your fucking cell. Not holding my breath for that though. Not holding my breath at all.

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No Longer Content To Lock Their Bikes To Public Property, Bicyclists Are Now Locking People Out Of Their Own Homes

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[Hoboken 411] Entitled bicyclists in Hoboken don’t just ride the wrong way, or nearly run over pedestrians on the sidewalk. Nope. They also lock these fruity contraptions to the front of people’s homes – and prevent access to the gated areas, as one resident tried to reason with the moron by leaving a polite note:

“2nd Notice: Please do not park your bike here. It prevents access to the front gated area. If you have a problem, call my cell and we can discuss. Thanks. (Adams St. Resident)”

“Please” call my cell? So we can “discuss?” Fuck that! If that was my house, that lock would have been sawed off – and the sign would have said “FREE BIKE. PLEASE TAKE.” You can’t reason with these people. They’ll unknowingly step all over you. Grow a pair and take matters in your own hands.

This story was passed along to me by the good folks at Hoboken 411, a longtime friend of the blog. I have to say I think they hit the nail on the head. In fact, the only thing I take issue with here is the word “unknowingly.” Bicyclists may seem like an extremely dumb bunch. And they are! Mostly. But when it comes to things like this, they know exactly what they’re doing. You don’t just accidentally lock somebody’s front gate shut. That doesn’t happen. No, as usual bicyclists just want to watch the world burn. They’re a miserable bunch of miscreant anarchists no doubt driven near madness by the itching spandex constantly clinging to their skin.

And not to bury the lede here, but how about this pussy who had his front gate locked shut? “Oh, uh, hey, um, sorry, so sorry, um, um, um, if it’s okay with you, could you maybe, um, if it’s not too inconvenient, would you maybe mind, uh, not, you know, uh, chaining my front gate shut? If it’s, uh, if it’s okay with you, that is. If not that’s okay! I don’t ever need to get in or out of my house anyway. Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry.” Hoboken 411 knocks it out of the park there. Grow a pair of goddamn balls and hit that bike with a fucking sledgehammer. Your home is your castle. Learn to defend it.

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Typical Idiot Bicyclist Rides Right Past A Cop While Carrying All Of His Meth Cooking Ingredients

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Two months ago, a bicyclist carrying a bottle of Rooto household lye drain opener rode past a state police officer sitting in his unmarked car in an alley off of Kilgore Avenue.

That observation eventually led police to raid a methamphetamine lab on Wednesday at the apartment of the bicyclist, Richard Jason Lewis, 37, 710 W. Kilgore, Apt. 1.

Police seized a roll of vinyl tubing, cut straws, an empty container of Morton salt, stripped batteries, a plastic smoking device containing meth residue, six syringes, a pill grinder, numerous coffee filters containing white sludge, two metal spoons containing meth residue, a glass jar, a bottle cap with two holes, and sections of vinyl tubing.

Lewis told state police Trooper Nate Raney he had experimented with stuff but denied making meth.

Tough times when the best excuse you can come up with is that you tried to make meth, but never actually managed to do it. Not that it’s surprising to hear that a bicyclist failed at something. I mean, it’s such a believable excuse that I’m surprised the cop even bothered to arrest him. “Oh, you’re a bicyclist. Well nothing to worry about here then, this guy’s never going to be successful enough to actually DISTRIBUTE this stuff, we’ve got better things to do.” In fact, probably the worst case scenario here would be this guy blowing himself up, and is that even really a bad thing? One less meth head on the streets, and you can’t block traffic from the emergency room.

Listen, I know Breaking Bad made meth trendy and all, but not just anybody can cook it. Walter White was a chemistry genius who made the best meth on earth and it took him all of two years to have it all come crashing down around him. Do you really think the average bicyclist can do better than that? Just about the only thing this guy did right was not ride around with actual, fully cooked meth in his backpack like most of his spandex-clad brethren. No, he just rode right past a cop carrying all of his obvious meth ingredients right out in the open. Why not just wear a shirt that says GET YOUR METHAMPHETAMINES HERE at that point? He probably had a piece of paper in his pocket labeled “meth shopping list.” Come on man. Be better.

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