Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before: Bicyclist Runs Over Pedestrian, Starts Destroying Property, Yelling Racial Slurs, And Waving His Penis Around

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Falco

angry cyclist

[MLive] Police say 50-year-old Ferndale resident Anthony Zanetti became irate after he crashed his bicycle into the back of a man and fell.

Police say the black man struck by Zanetti attempted to help the bicyclist up, but Zanetti began shouting racial slurs and “went into a tirade” witnessed by a “large crowd.”

“He began yelling at the crowd, dropped his shorts, held his penis in his hand and screamed lewd comments,” according to Ferndale police. “During his tantrum, the suspect grabbed and pushed over a mailbox on the street corner. An unidentified man in the crowd punched the suspect, causing him to bleed from the side of his head.”

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Ho hum. Another day, another bicyclist going on a racist tirade and attacking an innocent civilian. I mean is this even news anymore? We already know that all bicyclists are aggressive, racist monsters. They usually hide it a little better than this but the fact is this is pretty much just typical bicyclist behavior right here.

You who deserves a shitload of credit here? The poor guy who got run over. I mean holy shit, he might be the most even tempered man on earth. Dude gets run over by a bicyclist and doesn’t even get mad. Just tries to help the guy up, only to be met with an angry, racist, penis-waving tirade. I mean that escalated quickly, right? One minute you’re walking down the street, the next minute you’ve been run over by a moving vehicle and the asshole who did it is dropping n-bombs and trying to cockslap you. That’s a bad day right there. 

(image source)

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I Don’t Mean To Alarm Anyone But Illinois Is Being Taken Over By Roving Gangs Of Heavily Armed Bicyclist Thugs

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Falco

roadwarrior

[News-Gazette] URBANA — University of Illinois police are investigating two crimes involving bicyclists Saturday night in Champaign-Urbana.

According to a police report, a University of Illinois employee was walking near a parking lot in the 1100 block of West Western Avenue, Urbana, at about 8:30 p.m.

Saturday when three people riding bicycles approached him from behind.

The employee said the three men surrounded him, and one of the hit him on the back of the head with the butt of a black handgun.

While the man was held at gunpoint, a second bicyclist searched his pocket and took the victim’s I-card. Then the three bicyclists rode away south on Goodwin Avenue.

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I always said this would happen if bicyclists ever managed to get organized. I mean a month or so ago we saw that DC bicyclists were trying to get organized into the DC Bike Party, but since that ended with a scofflaw moron getting obliterated by a car I figured they were still five, maybe even ten years away from any sort of tactical, coordinated offensive capability.

Now I see a story like this and I realize how wrong I was to feel secure. By the looks of it the state of Illinois is already under full-fledged attack from this cabal of bicycular savages. We’re talking about people who already believe that simple laws like stopping at traffic lights and not driving drunk are beneath them, but they’ve expanded their perceived veil of impunity into firearms and assault.

Mark my words, it only gets worse from here. If the Illinois police aren’t capable of putting an end to this dangerous and increasingly well organized criminal element, I can only hope that the governor sees how dire this threat is and calls in the National Guard. Today, it’s college students. Tomorrow, it could be your children. Is that a risk you really want to take?

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Pittsburgh, We Need To Talk

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Falco

writeticket

[Pittsburgh Post-Gazette] Like to ride your bike on the Great Allegheny Passage, then maybe through the Waterfront in Homestead? Those red octagonal signs on the bike trail that say STOP actually do apply to you, and the West Homestead police plan to get serious soon about enforcing them.

A bike patrol officer issued four $10 citations on Sunday to bicyclists who failed to stop at the signs, which are posted at a half-dozen trail crossings in front of Costco and two nearby hotels, and gave about a dozen verbal warnings to others, said West Homestead Mayor John Dindak. While public officials are glad the trail runs through town, cyclists failing to stop as directed where the trail crosses busy driveways could endanger lives, he said.

…

“Oh, wow, I’m in for a serious load of trouble,” said Shane Novak, 38, of East McKeesport, when he heard that West Homestead police are issuing citations for failure to stop at the crossings. “Everybody blows through them.”

Would fear of a citation make him stop in the future?

“Yeah, definitely,” Mr. Novak said, before pedaling off and immediately running two more stop signs.

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Listen. I’ll be the first guy to give this tiny little dickhole Pittsburgh suburb credit for cracking down on bicyclists. It’s definitely a step in the right direction. But seriously? $10 citations? Ten fucking dollars? If I ran a stop sign in my car I’d be paying about a billion dollars in fines with a thousand points added to my lisence. Meanwhile you’re telling me that you want bicyclists to understand that they have to follow the same rules as cars, but you’re enforcing those rules with a $10 slap on the dick? Who the fuck is $10 going to stop? A $10 fine wouldn’t stop me from eating a fucking bologna sandwich. And I don’t even like bologna sandwiches.

Meanwhile lets get a load of this Shane Novak fuckweasel. Not only is he besmirching the noble name ‘Shane’ with his duplicitous bicycling nonsense, he can’t even wait six seconds before perjuring himself to the reporter. Guaranteed this guy had no idea what the fuck they were even talking about. “Stop signs? What the fuck is a stop sign? I’M OUTTA HERE. Boy those red, octagonal flowers sure are blooming nicely this year.”

(h/t to Goon for email the story)

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Oh Nothing, Just A Typical Bicyclist Throwing Himself At A Completely Stopped Police Car And Pretending It Ran Him Over

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Falco

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 8.25.40 PM

[video] 

[via Barstool Sports] 

So here’s the thing. I’m sure there are a lot of bicycle accidents that are just that: accidents. There are plenty of bicyclists who get legitimately obliterated by cars out of nowhere and end up seriously injured or dead. I understand that kind of thing does happen.

But when I see shit like this it just forces me to assume that every single bicycle accident is total bullshit. I mean is there anything these people do that isn’t a complete lie? These are the kind of assholes who can’t even get hit by a car with dignity. Let’s check out the play by play:

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 8.30.12 PM

“Hey look, a police car that has come to a complete stop!”

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“I bet if I stop in front of it and then fall over, I can totally make it look like they hit me!”

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 8.30.49 PM

“Here goes! HEAVE HO!”

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“OH GOD MY LEG OR WHATEVER IS TOTALLY IN SO MUCH PAIN”

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 8.31.57 PM

And then, of course, the best part of the video: the point at which the cop gets out of his car and attempts to drag the dumbass out from in front of his vehicle by the arm.

The really terrifying thing here is that if not for a video camera that just BARELY managed to capture this whole incident in frame, the dude probably would have gotten away with it, because bicyclists always get away with it. I know I’ve spent a lot of time bitching about the sort of asshole bicyclists who wear cameras on their helmets, but this actually kind of makes me think that ALL bicyclists should be REQUIRED to wear cameras on their helmets, just to catch them in all their goddamn lies and insurance fraud and drunk driving and probably murder.

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Apparently They’re Making Bicycle Seats That Double As Vibrators Now Because That’s Not Going To Cause Any Accidents At All

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Falco

bikesex

[Daily Mail] We are always being told to incorporate more exercise into our daily routines – and cycling to work is an excellent way of doing so. 

And if you were reluctant to hit the pedals before, a new gizmo could provide all the incentive you need to get on your bike. 

A firm has launched the Happy Ride – a vibrating seat cover that will make journeys by bicycle that bit more exciting. 

The inconspicuous gadget slips over the seat of a bike and incorporates ‘vibration stimulation’ as you ride.

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These fucking people! I honestly don’t even know what I can say about this story. I mean how typical is this? These are the people who literally cannot open their mouths without bitching about how drivers aren’t aware enough on the road and how distracted drivers are the reason for every accident ever because bicyclists are all beyond reproach. Meanwhile they’re shoving vibrators up their cunts and chugging off into traffic. If I ever hit a bicyclist with my car because they were too busy orgasming to pay attention to the red light, I’m going to feel even LESS bad than usual, which before I read this I wouldn’t even have thought was fucking POSSIBLE.

PS. I’m off to middle-of-fucking-nowhere Canada for the next week and a half. There aren’t even roads where I’m going, which you would figure probably means there won’t be any bicyclists, but I’m confident they’ll still find a way to ruin my day.

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That Bicyclist With The Possibly-Bullshit Backstory Just Won The Tour De France Which Means The Betting Is Now Open On How Long It Will Be Before He Has To Vacate The Title

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Falco

froome2

So that Chris Froome alien just won the Tour de France, which I have to say I’m pretty thrilled about. I mean I feel like it’s been almost a whole week since the last major bicycling scandal, so the fact that he might have been exaggerating his “heroic” battle with some not-all-that-bad disease is a nice breath of fresh air. This in addition to the fact that he is almost certainly doping because every professional bicyclist dopes. Actually I’m not even sure it’s worth betting on how long he’ll get to keep the title. No way it’s longer than a year right?

Besides I think the better question is how many of the top finishers will be disqualified eventually? I can’t wait for them to hand that title over to the guy who finished 73rd a few months from now. And honestly chances are the only reason that guy will get to keep the title is because nobody bothered to drug test the guy who finished 73rd. Hey, better to be lucky than good.

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Don’t Look Now But Another Tour De France Bicyclist Is Peddling A “Heroic Story” That Might Actually Be Complete Bullshit

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Falco

froome

[Deadspin] Tour de France leader Chris Froome’s backstory includes a three-year fight with a rare parasite, bilharzia, and his triumph over inconsistency caused by it to become one of the best riders in the world. One problem: The story might be bullshit.

A poster named justChris at the SlowTwitch.com forums picked up on a recent piece on Froome’s struggles and tore it to shreds. A brief accounting:

  • Bilharzia’s not nearly as rare as Froome’s team makes it out to be, as it’s typically called schistomiasis, and affects hundreds of millions globally.
  • Froome wouldn’t need the sort of extensive treatment his team’s coach describes, because the treatment for schistomiasis is an annual oral dose of a drug, and he wouldn’t have been limited in training because the side effects are minor.
  • If Froome were significantly more infested by the parasite—which usually finds its way into the human body through infected snails in contaminated water—than a single dose could cure, his symptoms would likely far outstrip the “little colds and coughs, nothing serious” he says he dealt with.
  • The parasite that causes schistomiasis lays eggs, but they couldn’t hatch in the way Froome’s coach describes.

justChris concludes with the ominous and/or adorable message “I’m not sure why they would lie to / misinform us about something like this…” While it’s unclear that this has anything to do with Froome’s performance, anyone with a passing familiarity with cycling, a sport so lousy with doping that, since 1954, more Tour de France winners have doped than not, can probably offer at least one good reason for an elaborate story of triumph over medical adversity. Heck, one might not have to look further than one’s own wrist.

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Another day, another bicyclist exposed for being (allegedly) a massive fraud. Ho hum. Is this even news anymore? I mean we’re talking about a sport where the first 500 finishers seem to be disqualified from every single race because they’re dopers and liars. If this whole thing is true I’m not saying that makes it okay. Far from it. I’m just saying I can’t get particularly worked up over one bicyclist being a scumbag when literally all the rest are in the same boat.

Besides, how did nobody figure out that this guy was lying before? Look at that picture up there. This guy is clearly an alien. No fucking way any sort of earth parasite is infecting him. Just kick him out of the Tour de France and send him back to Jupiter where he belongs. In fact send the rest of the pack there too. Why waste rocket fuel.

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Another Species Heard From: Wolves Hate Bicyclists Too

Posted on July 11, 2013 by Falco

wolf

[Spokesman-Review] Growing up in the Yukon, Melanie Klassen had seen numerous bicycle tourists pedaling the Alaska Highway, but never one with a canine companion running behind him.

“I thought it was odd until I saw the panicked look on the biker’s face – as though he was about to be eaten,” she said in a telephone interview.

“That wasn’t a dog; it was a wolf.”

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Rise up, animal kingdom! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: even nature knows that bicyclists are just the absolute worst. Kinda sucks that this bicyclist had to get caught in the middle of it, because if there was ever any place where it’s generally safe to bike without worrying about running red lights and blocking traffic, it’s probably Alaska. But hey that’s just how it goes. When you choose your side, you choose your side. Mother nature doesn’t care where you are when she catches up to you. You’re either with us or you’re against us, and if you’re with the bicyclists you’re 100% against us.

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Douchebag Bicyclist Vs. Angry Lamborghini Owner, WHO YA GOT?!

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Falco

[supercarsoflondon YouTube via AutoSpies] Jul 7, 2013 – What is going on in LONDON?! People trying to PISS off every supercar owner?! Why are they treated so poorly? This behaviour needs to stop. This cyclist is an utter moron that probably goes back to his dinner party thinking he is some sort of HERO!

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Not much to add from the video description here, except to say that Lamborghini owners complaining that they’re disciminated against is just about the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Listen the moment, and I mean the MOMENT I have enough money buy a Lamborghini is the moment I stop giving one single fuck what anyone else thinks of me. So cool your jets there, “supercarsoflondon.”

That said, it’s ridiculous that this guy thinks that bicyclist did this because he was targeting supercar owners. Uhhh, news flash: that bicyclist would have done that to any car. Honestly the dude probably didn’t even know it was a Lambo he just cut off. All he wanted to do was exactly what every bicyclist in the world wants to do: inconvenience drivers and pedestrians. You see the way he cuts out into the street? Probably means he just finished riding around the sidewalk running over pedestrians there too. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about bicyclists, it’s that he was probably drunk and carrying meth, too. Kinda crazy how every single bicyclist in the world is a lawless savage, right? Guess all that pedaling just unravels your brain after a while or something. I dunno. I’m not a scientist. I just look at what the facts tell me is all.

PS. All this is without even addressing that the Lamborghini owner could have flat out DESTROYED that bicyclist. Like all his foot had to do is slip onto the gas pedal and there honestly might not have even been enough left of the dude to recover. Typical delusional bicyclist behavior. And these guys can’t figure out why so many of them get run over. Complete fuckin mystery to them.

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Apparently Bicyclists And Fat People Are Now Teaming Up To Steal Porch Swings

Posted on July 9, 2013 by Falco

porch-swing

[NWF Daily News] NICEVILLE – Who would steal a porch swing?

Apparently a man on a bicycle and a heavy-set woman in a pickup truck.

A man who lives on McKinley Street called Niceville Police on June 27 to let them know somebody had ripped off his porch swing.

A neighbor said she saw a man on a bicycle riding up and down McKinley Street on June 25 and 26. The fellow stopped in front of the man’s house and red pickup truck pulled up. A heavy-set woman got out and the two picked up the swing, put it in the truck and drive off. The neighbor said she thought the man had sold the swing and didn’t know it had been stolen until she talked to him.

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I guess this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. As I’ve said time after time, at their core all bicyclists are criminals with no self-control. And by the way that’s not even really an insult if you think about it. Because by saying they’re criminals with no self-control, I’m giving them a little credit, since that basically implies that they KNOW they’re doing the wrong thing, they just can’t help themselves. They’re not stupid. They’re just worthless, worthless human beings.

So when this bicyclist saw that porch swing, he knew it was wrong to steal it. He totally knew. And he knew that the right thing to do was to save up some money until he could buy one of his own. But he’s also a bicyclist, which means there was never any hope for that swing. It was as good as stolen from the moment Captain Tenspeed laid eyes on it. And honestly the real villain in the story here is the fat chick with the truck. She’s not even a bicyclist. She has no excuse. She’s a blatant accomplice. A bicyclist enabler. And honestly there’s no place in society for people like that. None at all.

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