Apparently Bicyclists And Fat People Are Now Teaming Up To Steal Porch Swings


[NWF Daily News] NICEVILLE – Who would steal a porch swing?

Apparently a man on a bicycle and a heavy-set woman in a pickup truck.

A man who lives on McKinley Street called Niceville Police on June 27 to let them know somebody had ripped off his porch swing.

A neighbor said she saw a man on a bicycle riding up and down McKinley Street on June 25 and 26. The fellow stopped in front of the man’s house and red pickup truck pulled up. A heavy-set woman got out and the two picked up the swing, put it in the truck and drive off. The neighbor said she thought the man had sold the swing and didn’t know it had been stolen until she talked to him.

I guess this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. As I’ve said time after time, at their core all bicyclists are criminals with no self-control. And by the way that’s not even really an insult if you think about it. Because by saying they’re criminals with no self-control, I’m giving them a little credit, since that basically implies that they KNOW they’re doing the wrong thing, they just can’t help themselves. They’re not stupid. They’re just worthless, worthless human beings.

So when this bicyclist saw that porch swing, he knew it was wrong to steal it. He totally knew. And he knew that the right thing to do was to save up some money until he could buy one of his own. But he’s also a bicyclist, which means there was never any hope for that swing. It was as good as stolen from the moment Captain Tenspeed laid eyes on it. And honestly the real villain in the story here is the fat chick with the truck. She’s not even a bicyclist. She has no excuse. She’s a blatant accomplice. A bicyclist enabler. And honestly there’s no place in society for people like that. None at all.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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