Bicyclist Tries To Rob Bank, Which Goes About As Well As Can Be Expected

Posted on October 4, 2013 by Falco

bankrobber

[Virgin Islands Daily News] ST. CROIX – Quick response by V.I. Police officers resulted in the apprehension of a gunman, just moments after police received reports of an armed robbery at the Scotiabank in Sunny Isle mid-morning Wednesday.

St. Croix Police Chief James Parris said shortly after the robbery that the lone gunman – now identified by police as Gilberto Serrano, 27, of Estate Queens Quarters – went into the bank and approached one of the tellers and demanded money as he brandished a firearm.

Parris said a teller turned over an undisclosed amount of cash and Serrano left the bank.

Witnesses in the area reported to police that Serrano was seen heading east, riding away from the bank on a bicycle with a handgun in one hand and a money bag in the other hand. He traveled through the Sunny Isles Annex parking lot, continuing north on Bennie Benjamin Drive.

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You know those heist movies like Ocean’s 11 where they meticulously plan the score and every step of the process has to go absolutely perfectly? This is pretty much the exact opposite of that. I mean there’s tricking the bank into loading an armored car full of their own money and getting away before the authorities are ever notified, and then there’s riding off on your bike with a bag of money in one hand and a gun in the other like you’re some sort of generic Grand Theft Auto knockoff.

Honestly what was the plan here? Was this dude just riding past the bank when he suddenly went “you know what I could use? Some money.” Although I AM sort of impressed. Dude has both hands occupied with the gun and the bag of money. Obviously those two things are essential parts of a bank robbery. Can’t sacrifice either one for a free hand. So he’s just cruising down the street riding with no hands. Basically genius.

Only downside I can see is trying to play it off when the cops find you. Like oh no, a bank got robbed near here? No way! That’s so scary guys, I hope you find the guy. Oh this gun? No I was just on my way to the shooting range. And obviously I have a bag of money, that place is expensive. NBD officers. I’ll just be on my way now.

 

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Proof That All Bicyclists Are Reckless Lemmings

Posted on September 30, 2013 by Falco

[Deadspin] Thanks to this biker’s helmet cam, we get to watch him accidentally follow the first rider’s lead and hit a sick jump that leads nowhere. Wheee!

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Call me a pussy, but if I was riding through the woods, crossing ravines and gorges atop wooden platforms barely a foot and a half wide, I’d probably slow down just a little bit. But that’s why I’m not a bicyclist. I just can’t identify with that sort of reckless mindset. I just have too much respect for my own personal safety, not to mention that of the people around me. But that’s not the bicyclist way. The bicyclist way is to pedal as fast as possible at all times. Unless, of course, you’re in the middle of the road and there’s a car behind you. In that instance, the key is to pedal as slowly as possible and let that car know that you will not be bound by society’s rules, maaaan.

But the best part of this video is the way the rest of the riders just follow the leader over the cliff, one after the other. “Hey how come everyone in front of me is yelling? I guess I’ll find out after I hit this SWEET JUMP, BRO.” Honestly, I want to shake the hand of whoever designed that bike trail. Just trolling bicyclists in ways the rest of us would never even think of. 10/10, easy.

PS. This is probably the first time I’ve ever been GLAD that bicyclists are a bunch of helmetcam-wearing douchebags. I wouldn’t trade this video for all the opium in China.

 

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Bicyclist Somehow Manages To Pedal Into Four Feet Of Mud Without Noticing, Promptly Gets Stuck For Four Hours

Posted on September 27, 2013 by Falco

bikemud

[Pattaya Mail] A German bicyclist spent three hours in a muddy ditch at the Mabprachan Reservoir before being pulled out by rescuers.

Wolf Minderjahn, 69, drove into the ditch on his mountain bike after getting separated from a friend in an unfamiliar part of the reservoir Sept. 17. The rider was unable to extricate himself from the meter-deep mud.

Minderjahn said he was stuck in the ditch for nearly three hours until his friend found him and called police.

It took five men about an hour to wade through a 50-meter track of mud in their bare feet to reach the stranded cyclist. Using ropes and a stretcher, they eventually rescued both the German and his 100,000 baht bike.

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I’ll start by saying that I’ve been stuck in the mud before. It’s happened to me. One time I was climbing a mountain, and I didn’t notice how washed out the trail ahead of me was, and I stepped right into the mud. Squelch. That’s the noise it made as my shoe sunk about eight inches into the mud and refused to come out. I lost a shoe that day. It was claimed by Mother Nature and there’s nothing to be done about it.

But I like to think that I would have noticed before taking another step. And then another, and another, and another. Or however many steps it took for me to be tits-fucking-deep in mud. How is this even POSSIBLE? Even if you accidentally ride into the mud (it happens!), how does it take you until the mud is up to your chin to go “wait, I think something might be wrong.”

I mean read that shit. Go on, read it again. It took FIVE PEOPLE a fucking HOUR to get anywhere close to this motherfucker! Although on second thought maybe I should be giving this dude credit. The guy clearly has calves of STEEL to pedal that far through the viscous muck. But even with that being the case, if you’re going to spend 100,000 baht (that’s $3,195 in real people dollars) on a goddamn bike, maybe you should be a little more fucking careful with it. Frankly you’re just lucky it wasn’t one of these reservoirs:

reservoir

(image source)

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Another Animal Kingdom Heard From: Cats Have Launched Their First Attack Against The Bicyclist Menace

Posted on September 26, 2013 by Falco

Screen Shot 2013-09-26 at 4.23.19 PM

[FOX Sports] Colombian cyclist Rafael Infantino had a close call of the feline kind during the men’s time trial at the UCI Road World Championships when a cat strayed onto the course.

The cat was waiting as Infantino rounded a corner near a time check, forcing him to take evasive action as the frightened animal performed a classic cat jump before scurrying off the course.

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I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I don’t advocate violence against bicyclists. No, there’s no need for us to sink to their level. After all, they do a good enough job of beating the shit out of each other and getting themselves killed by running red lights.

But that said, I can’t do anything about nature, and Mother Nature has proven time and time again that she is firmly on the anti-bicyclist side of things. Bears, deer, birds…animals of every shape, size, and genus have taken to the streets to oppose the bicyclist menace. And I know it was probably only a matter of time, but it seems that cats have now fired their opening salvo.

Cats are solitary creatures. They don’t like to be bothered. So it would obviously take a SERIOUS level of douchebaggery for a cat to willingly leave the comfort of its own territory to run out into the middle of a crowded event. And that’s where the bicyclists come in. Yup, even the most solitary and antisocial of all animals hate bicyclists so much that they’d rather make an exhibition of themselves in the middle of a crowded sporting event than just let it stand. A+ effort, cat. A fucking plus.

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GTA V Gets It

Posted on September 20, 2013 by Falco

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8FcFcpYJzE

“I just hope you have proper hatred for yourself.”

PS. If you play Grand Theft Auto and you don’t run over every bicyclist you see, you’re doing it wrong. 

 

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Bicyclist Beats The Ever Loving Fuck Out Of A Shit-Talking NY Jets Fan

Posted on September 19, 2013 by Falco

dolphinbike

[TC Palm] Grayson said he’s a “big football fan” and that the Dolphins are his team. He said the other man, identified as the victim, is a Jets supporter. They started arguing about how each team was better, and the victim poked him in the forehead.

Grayson said the victim made fun of the Dolphins, saying they “lose all the time.”

Grayson started using harsh language, and said the victim pushed him. Grayson said when he went to push the victim back, the victim punched him in the eye. Grayson said he hit the victim about 15 times in the face and threw him head first on the concrete driveway. At one point the victim partially fell face first in a recycling bin of glass bottles, which shattered.

Grayson said the victim then rode away on a bicycle.

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First time I’ve ever been on a bicyclist’s side.

bradysmirk

 

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If I Told You That Bicyclists Are Curb Stomping Teenagers Now, Would You Be Even A Little Bit Surprised?

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Falco

curbstomp

[AboutMyArea] Police in Rugby are appealing for witnesses to an assault in Wood Street involving a pedal cyclist and a 16-year old pedestrian.

The incident took place on Wednesday 11 September at approximately 12.40pm when the 16-year old was walking along Wood Street towards King Edward Road when a collision took place between him and the pedal cyclist near to the chip shop.

The cyclist is reported to have struck the pedestrian in the face, knocking him to the floor where he proceeded to stamp on his head before riding off.

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Ho hum. Just a bicyclist running over an innocent pedestrian and then curb stomping his face into the asphalt. Nothing to see here. Certainly nothing that qualifies as “news.” After all the root word of news is “new,” and this is definitely nothing new.

In fact this pretty much fits right in with the bicyclist thought process: attack people who are weaker than you. They attack blind people, old people, celebrities, and now innocent teenagers. This 16 year old kid was probably just walking down the street celebrating his new driver’s license and dreaming of the day when he can legally buy booze instead of handing the bum outside the packie a fifty and hoping he doesn’t run off with the change. Except here comes Johnny Gearshift doing everything he can to make the the poor kid never sees that day. Well bad news, bikefucks. This kid is a fighter. This kid survived. And all you’ve done is create another foot soldier in the anti-bicyclist army. Don’t be surprised if this kid gets his first car and starts dooring bicyclists left and right. Nobody to blame but yourselves.

(image source)

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Typical Bicyclist Viciously Attacks Nicole Kidman

Posted on September 16, 2013 by Falco

kidman

[Daily Mail] Nicole Kidman has been knocked over by a cyclist and according to reports, is planning on pressing charges.

The actress was returning to her hotel after attending the Calvin Klein show on Thursday as part of New York Fashion Week.

Nicole fell to the ground when she was hit by a photographer named Carl Wu, who was apparently racing to try and take a picture for her.

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Is this the start of the war? The ceremonial glove slap across the face of America? I mean it’s one thing for bicyclists to attack random people on the street and fly under the radar. But assaulting major celebrities in broad daylight in the middle of the sidewalk? Is this what America has come to? A beautiful A-List actress can’t even attend New York Fashion Week without being run over by a rampaging pedalhead? Well all I can say is this isn’t the America I signed up for.

PS. How lucky is this bro that security didn’t just ice him on the spot? Does Nicole Kidman’s security not like her very much or were they just unarmed? Because I gotta say if running over Nicole Kidman with a bicycle isn’t grounds for the death penalty then I don’t know what is.

(image source)

(h/t to reader Goon)

 

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In Case You Didn’t Believe Me That Bicyclists Are Gearing Up For War, Apparently They’re Now Wearing Body Armor

Posted on September 10, 2013 by Falco

bikearmor

[CTV News] Trauma surgeons at Foothills Medical Centre in Calgary conducted a study into cycling injuries and say the risk of serious injury can be reduced and even prevented by wearing body armour.

The doctors compared injuries between street cyclists and mountain bikers over a 14-year period and looked at incidence, risk factors and injury patterns.

One of the recommendations that came out of the report is that cyclists in both groups should consider wearing chest protection.

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Really? Body armor? No, I’m sure this is purely to protect you when you fall off your bike. I totally believe you guys. Because every time I trip and fall on the ground, I think “shit, if only I had a kevlar vest on.” I’m sure this is in no way the final preparation for an all out assault on everything that society and civilization holds dear. Last year they started stealing all of our gas. This year they’re buying up battle armor. I think we all know what comes next.

This is what I’ve been warning you people about for the better part of two years. Bicyclists thought I wouldn’t notice the gas story, and now they’re hoping that this story will slip through the cracks. They’re hoping that when their psychotic legions ride forth from the gates of hell and start tossing old people, blind people, fat people, and each other into the River Styx, you won’t have any idea how well armed and armored they really are.

But you know what? Not on my watch. NOT ON MY WATCH.

(image source)

 

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Bicyclists Are Literally Comparing Themselves To The Jews During The Holocaust Now

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Falco

hitlerbike

[Times of Israel] CHICAGO — An actor stands up on a podium and holds a paintbrush stained with black pigment to his nose, approximating Hitler’s moustache.

“My fellow citizens, our country is in crisis. We must rid ourselves of the monstrous perversion that is destroying society. Who is to blame for all our troubles? The Jews!” declares “Hitler,” in the play within a play.

Rather than finding a beer hall packed with yes men, however, “Hitler” is surprised to hear a resounding “And the cyclists!” (bicycle riders) every time he tries to incite violence against the Jews. Finally exasperated — as the script describes him — “Hitler” asks his assailant, “Why the cyclists?” The young man responds unfazed, “Why the Jews?”

“Cyclist” tells the story of Bořivoj Abeles as his world is overrun by escaped inmates of an asylum, who track down and murder all of the world’s cyclists. Švenk’s depictions of irrational and evil tyrants are very thinly veiled references to Nazis.

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Before some bikefuck gets uppity and tells me that this play isn’t REALLY about bicyclists, let me ask you: do we really need another play about how evil Hitler was? Uh, we get it bro. Hitler was bad. Pretty sure everyone already knows that. So as much as bicyclists will claim this is just a metaphor, it’s not. No, bicyclists are just hiding behind that thin veil of plausible deniability so they can play the victim card while acting like philosophers and humanitarians.

And really, has anything ever summed up the bicyclist mentality better than this?  We already know they see themselves as helpless victims. But just straight up comparing themselves to the Holocaust? I mean I know I exaggerate a lot on this blog, but apparently I’m a bumbling amateur in the hyperbole game compared to these fuckers.

I’d honestly love to chat with any bicyclist who thinks this way. “Cop gave me a ticket for running a red light? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THE JEWS IN AUSCHWITZ FELT.”

PS. I’m not saying that all bicyclists should be killed. I would never say that. But at the same time the world WOULD undeniably be better if Hitler had gone after the bicyclists instead of the Jews, right?

(image source)

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