Portland’s ‘Hipster Bandit’ Flees Crime Scene on a Bike Because Of Course He Does

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Falco

hipsterbike

PORTLAND — A man police dubbed the “Hipster Bandit” was arrested in connection with five bank robberies after police found him riding a bicycle away from a Northeast Portland bank that had just been robbed.

Police were called last Friday to the report of a robbery inside the Consolidated Community Credit Union at 2021 Northeast Sandy Boulevard, according to Portland Police Sgt. Pete Simpson. Officers on the way to the scene saw a man matching the suspect’s description riding a bicycle away from the area.

They caught up with the man, 40-year-old Harvie Dale Oglesby III, and found evidence from the bank robbery. He was taken into custody and jailed on pending federal bank robbery charges. [KGW Portland]

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First things first, how does Portland fucking Oregon dub a guy the “Hipster Bandit?” Like what were the police hoping to gain here? “Yeah this robber guy looks like a hipster, give us a call if you see anyone matching that description.” Have they ever actually walked around Portland? How many fucking hipsters did they arrest before they found the right one?

And hey man, I totally get why some hipster douchebag would need to rob banks. I mean how else are you gonna afford your $16,000 carbon-fiber bikes? On a Starbucks barista’s salary? No fucking way. So I get it dude. Rob away. But just as a protip here, if you are gonna rob banks, you should probably get a faster getaway vehicle than your bike.

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New York Bicyclists Demand ‘Bike-Specific Stoplights’ As Though They’re Going to Fucking Listen to Those Either

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Falco

bike light

UPPER EAST SIDE — The turf war between pedestrians and cyclists continues in Central Park, as critics of wayward bikers demanded the Department of Transportation install bike-specific stoplights along the cycling path.

At a recent Community Board 8 Transportation Committee meeting, several concerned Upper East Siders said they want the DOT to add bike logos onto traffic lights so that cyclists know the signals apply to them.

They said cyclists regularly flout laws, endangering pedestrians along the Central Park loop where bikes come flying through red lights.

“There were four bicycles that went through the intersection,” said Elizabeth Ashby, a  CB8 Landmarks Committee member.

“Until they get people for stopping at red lights, you could go out there on a cold night and you’d freeze to death before a bicycle would stop at a traffic light.” [DNAInfo]

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First off, I don’t know who Elizabeth Ashby is, but I want to marry her. I mean I don’t think I could have come up with a better description of bicyclist dickbaggery myself. She’s got a poetic penchant for description and she clearly hates bicyclists just as much as I do. She is a hero.

But seriously I love how bicyclists are pretending like they’re going to listen to these ‘bike specific’ lights either. News flash bro: bicyclists just don’t even fucking LOOK at stoplights. It’s not like they’re looking up and acknowledging the stoplight and consciously deciding to ignore it. They just straight up don’t think stoplights apply to them, so they don’t even register. No bicyclist in America is going to look up at the stoplight, see a red bike, and go WHOA HEY I BETTER STOP THANK GOD THAT LIGHT WAS THERE.

How are the bike lights going to be any different? They’re going to turn red yellow and green at the same time as the regular lights, just with a picture of a bicycle in them. If you’re so fucking stupid that you need a picture book to tell you when to stop and go, you probably shouldn’t be on the goddamn road.

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Barry Bonds Buys $16,000 Bike, Confirms His Status As Hall of Fame Douche

Posted on November 29, 2012 by Falco

That Bonds likes to bike shouldn’t come as a big surprise, though. As was reported last spring, the 48-year-old has traded trying to hit for cycles — as well as, uh, staying on them(allegedly) — for the type that comes with two wheels. Bonds tools around on a $16,000 Pinarello racing bike, entered the 2011 El Tour de Tucson and recently arrived in Aspen to take the 3 1/2-hour trip up to Independence Pass.

Anything, apparently, to keep his mind off the fact that he’s going to be “very sad” if he doesn’t get into the Hall of Fame on his first try this winter. [Yahoo Sports]

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Never has the phrase “tools around” been more appropriate. In all honesty I’m just surprised it took Barry Bonds this long to buy an obnoxiously priced bicycle and flaunt it around to the media. I mean what did Barry Bonds enjoy most when he was playing baseball? Not following the rules and pissing people off. Now, I’m the last person to criticize Barry Bonds for using steroids, but the fact remains that after leaving baseball he obviously needed a new series of rules to break and the rules of the road probably seemed like a nice easy bunch of rules to start off with.

This just confirms Barry Bonds as a Hall of Fame Douche. I mean think about it: Barry Bonds wanted to be the greatest of all time, but in reality he’s just a giant follower. Just goes with the pack. Like look at baseball: everyone gets all pissy at old Barry just because he used steroids. News flash: everyone and their mother was using steroids.  Barry wasn’t doing anything new, he was just going with the flow. Just like bicycling. What’s Barry doing that’s revolutionary? Absolutely nothing. Just running red lights and cutting off motorists like every other bicyclist. Honestly it’s fucking pathetic. Listen Barry if you want people to start taking notice of you you’re going to have to start breaking some bigger rules. Get off your ass and try robbing a bank or something.

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Bicyclists Just Wearing Their Clothes Upside-Down and Shitting All Over Themselves in Public Now

Posted on November 16, 2012 by Falco

INDIAN RIVER SHORES, Fla., Nov. 15 (UPI) — Police in Florida said they arrested a cyclist clad only in an upside-down shirt and boxer shorts who smelled like he had defecated on himself.

The Indian River Shores Department of Public Safety said an officer on patrol Nov. 3 saw Sergey Smirnov, 54, swerve into oncoming traffic from a northbound bicycle lane, where he had been riding south, TCPalm.com reported Thursday.

The officer said Smirnov, who smelled of booze and feces, was wearing a button-down shirt upside-down.

The officer told Smirnov he would be arrested if he was seen riding in the street again, and he was arrested about an hour later after again swerving into traffic and nearly striking a patrol car with his bicycle. [UPI]

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How about this cop, huh? I mean how the fuck do you see a dude wearing his clothes upside-down who smells like booze and shit and say to yourself, “yeah this guy probably just needs a warning and he’ll totally get his shit together.”

Incidentally how does a person wear a buttondown shirt upside-down? Did he have his legs through the sleeves or what? Because how skinny are this guy’s legs? If I tried to thread my fat fucking legs through a pair or shirtsleeves I don’t think I could even walk, let alone ride a bike.

But yeah, pretty typical behavior here. Bicyclists drinking while riding is nothing new. Bicyclists shitting in public is nothing new (although usually they’re at least put together enough to not shit on THEMSELVES). Bicyclists blatantly ignoring warnings from law enforcement is definitely nothing new. Bunch of savages, man.

PS. It is the biggest crime in the history of news reporting that there wasn’t a picture of the dude included with this article. Come on UPI, get your shit together (I know it looks like a photograph but believe it or not I had to DRAW that picture at the top).

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Bicyclist Doesn’t Give a Fuck, Just Leads an Entire Road Race Off Course

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Falco

Runners in a 10k race in Newcastle went the wrong way after mistaking a passing cyclist for their course guide.

Many of the 530 athletes in the Heaton Harriers Memorial 10K mistook a member of the public wearing a bright yellow top for the lead bike..

Les Venmore from Heaton Harriers said the cyclist rode past “at the wrong time”, leaving the runners in “a mess”.

He told the BBC that the race was re-started and the problem was solved straightaway.

In a statement on its website the Heaton Harriers committee said the confusion occurred soon after the race had started, near the park’s lake.

“The cyclist was dressed in fluorescent clothing and as the leading group of runners ran closer to him they mistook him to be a race official and mistakenly followed him to the right instead of carrying straight on,” it said. [Orange]

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Nothing to see here, just a bicyclist whizzing past a group of 500 people and never considering for a second that maybe something that didn’t involve him was going on. Seriously how do you just accidentally let this happen? Is this the slowest biker in the fucking world? How slow would you have to go to let people running a road race keep pace with you? It’s not like they’re sprinting. These are middle-aged people in the middle of a fitness fad running a 10k. They’re basically going so little above walking speed that it causes me a little bit of physical pain every time I have to actually call them “runners.”

The only explanation that I can imagine is that this bicyclist did this with malice aforethought. Like he has to know that runners are pretty much delirious and basically incapable of higher brain function while they’re racing. Dude knew what was up. It’s just a good thing the race officials figured out what was going on before he could lead the whole group over a cliff. Because make no mistake that’s definitely what he was planning. Good try bicyclist, but I know your game.

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Heroic Advertising Campaign Tells Bicyclists “Don’t Be a Stupid Twat”

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Falco

Everyone seems to be talking about cycle safety right now, what with the injuries to both Bradley Wiggins and Shane Sutton over the past week. But London-based ad firm Karmarama have taken it upon themselves to solve the problem with a simple message: Don’t be a stupid twat.

Because apparently, that’s the root of the problem. “Every year in this country there are around 19,000 reported cycling accidents on our roads, and on average 3,000 cyclists who are killed or seriously injured,” their website, www.ride-smart.org, states. No argument there, it’s a sobering statistic.

“Cyclists riding like stupid twats cause a percentage of these accidents so lots of accidents, injuries and deaths could therefore be avoided,” it then goes on to say. And helpfully lists the most twattish things you can apparently do, which in order of twattishness are jumping red lights, cycling with headphones, not having lights at night and just “being stupid”. [road.cc]

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The sad thing here is that this PR firm had to issue an apology for this. Why? Point to me in this article where they said anything that isn’t true. Does it suck that bicyclists get killed? Of course. Did they say that every accident is the bicyclists fault? Nope. Did they say that a whole bunch of accidents ARE bicyclists fault? Sure did. Is that wrong? Pretty sure that couldn’t possibly be more true. Tells you a lot about these peoples’ mentality though. Better not imply that an accident is the bicyclists fault, ever. That’s totally wrong and it’s blaming the victim and FUCK YOU YOU CAR DRIVING MANIAC.

They didn’t even say the most obvious thing of all: even the bicyclists that AREN’T involved in accidents are stupid twats. 100% of them. Like the fact that they’re trying to help bicyclists avoid getting into terrible accidents is really secondary to the goal of raising awareness for the fact that bicyclists are, in fact, stupid twats. That they’re even making an effort to protect them at all is incredibly altruistic and, frankly, commendable. But that’s bicyclists for you. Looking a gift horse in the mouth. No helping these people.

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BREAKING: UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS, AMERICA SENDS BICYCLIST BACK TO WHITE HOUSE

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Falco

Now on the one hand this blog has nothing to do with politics, so I should probably just refrain from commenting on the election. But on the other hand I kind of have to, right? I mean do you really think I can just let it go that America sent a bicyclist BACK to the White House? I mean I can understand making the mistake once. But TWICE? Just look at this guy in his dad jeans, riding his bike around the city like he owns the place. There is literally zero chance that he stopped before flying into that intersection. Guy is probably all “NOPE FUCK YOU THE PRESIDENT BIKES WHERE HE WANTS.” Makes me sick.

PS. What the heck is coming off the back of his bike? Is that one of those horrible things where your kids are in a little cart attached to the back of your bike? Because that is seriously the only thing that could make this worse. I am scared for America, man. Straight up terrified.

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Shock of the Day: Bicyclist Beats the Shit Out of an Old Man Because He Couldn’t Take His Bike on the Subway

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Falco

(VIDEO)

San Francisco police have released a surveillance video of a bicyclist attacking a Muni station agent who told the cyclist couldn’t take his bike on the subway at Van Ness Statio.

Investigators hope making the video public will help them identify the suspect. The video shows the cyclist coming down a flight of stairs followed by someone (apparently the agent), putting down his bicycle then kicking and hitting someone off-screen.

The assault happened Oct. 10 around 7:40 p.m. after the bicyclist tried to pass through the fare gates at the station with his bike, police said.

The station agent on duty, a 55-year-old man, told the bicyclist he could not bring his bike into the station, but the man ignored him, lifted his bike over the railing and jumped over the railing himself. [San Francisco Chronicle]

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Now let me just start off by saying that anyone who saw this happen and didn’t immediately kick this hipster fuck’s teeth in is the lowest of human scum. Anyone who just sat there and watched Topher (I just assume that’s his name) and his mohawk kick the shit out of some old guy should be publicly shamed.

With that out of the way, well well well! I can totally understand where this uptight hipster was coming from. Bicyclists spend all day every day telling you how bicycles are the superior form of transportation and nobody should use any other method of transportation ever. That’s a fact. So it’s understandable that Topher here didn’t want any attention drawn to the fact that he was blatantly admitting the superiority of the subway.

I mean it’s shameful enough to admit that you aren’t man enough to ride your own bike home. I mean, what’s the excuse here? “Well it was downhill coming in, it’s all uphill going back.” Hoo boy yeah, it would suck to have to actually pedal and get that great workout bicyclists are always raving about. So yeah, I totally get it. Dude was being a hypocrite and a pussy all at once. No wonder he got pissed off at someone drawing attention to him. Typical bicyclist, man.

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Bicyclists Formulating a Strategy, Going After the Gas

Posted on October 25, 2012 by Falco

A young man bicycled up to a Bethlehem Lukoil gas station near Route 22 on Tuesday night, pulled a handgun on a cashier and emptied the cash register inside, according to police radio reports.

It was the fifth confirmed Lehigh Valley business robbery by a bicyclist this month, and it followed by an hour a similar store robbery in Easton.

In the 10:45 p.m. robbery of the Lukoil at 2450 Catasauqua Road, the bicyclist paid for a Snapple drink in the station store and drew the pistol when the cashier opened the register.

A robber or robbers followed the same pattern in the Sept. 16 and Sept. 18 robberies of gas stations and a beverage distributorship near Route 22 in Allentown, in Hanover Township, Northampton County, and in Whitehall Township. [Morning Call]

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I want to say it’s ironic that bicyclist would be robbing a gas station, but actually it makes a fair amount of sense. Obviously this bicyclist is smarter than your average bicyclist.

Think about it: what do bicyclists want more than anything else? For nobody to be able to drive a car ever again. They want all cars off the road forever so that they can have the road all to themselves. That’s just a fact. But attacking individual drivers would take way too long. It’s just not efficient. Now, that doesn’t stop bicyclists from doing it, but that’s because they’re irredeemably stupid.

This guy has it figured out: if you want to stop the cars, you have to stop the gas. Now, I admit, he hasn’t really thought his plan through. I mean I’m not sure how pointing a gun at some zit-faced wage slave who is slowly being driven insane by the blinding fluorescent lights and low hum of the refrigerators as his tries to suffer his way through a methadone-fueled overnight shift is going to stop the gas, but he’s TRYING, and that’s really the point.

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Bicyclists Now Strapping $600 Plastic Bags to Their Heads in the Name of Safety and I See No Way This Could Go Wrong

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Falco

(VIDEO)

Sure, a bicycle helmet can save your life in an accident, but it can also be murder on your freshly coifed hair.

Now there’s an alternative — an airbag for your head. And like the ones in your car, when it’s not in use, the Hovding collar tucks neatly and stylishly around your neck, claims its Swedish manufacturer.

“Hovding is a collar for bicyclists, worn around the neck,” according to the Hovding website. “The collar contains a folded-up airbag that you’ll only see if you happen to have an accident. The airbag is shaped like a hood, surrounding and protecting the bicyclist’s head. The trigger mechanism is controlled by sensors which pick up the abnormal movements of a bicyclist in an accident.”

The manufacturers claim the airbag takes 0.1 second to inflate and “will be fully inflated before head impact.”

According to news reports, it took inventors Anna Haupt and Terese Alstin six years to develop the collar. It currently costs about $600 and, according to the Hovding website, is currently only available in Scandinavia. (Chicago Sun-Times)

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First off, that video has to be fake, right? Like there’s no way they’re using that as an actual selling point. “Hey, bicyclists! Are you so stupid that you’re unable to avoid stationary objects in the path of your apparently impossible to steer bicycle? Here! Strap this plastic bag to your head!”

Actually I guess this makes sense. If you’re dumb enough to use the “airbag helmet,” then you’re probably dumb enough to stick your head inside a plastic bag. Go for it, bicyclists! I hope you don’t land on anything sharp! Like, uhhh, I don’t know, gravel?

PS. I love that the “trigger mechanism is controlled by sensors which pick up the abnormal movements of a bicyclist.” I can’t wait for the first douchebag bicyclist to lean forward to flip off a motorist and wind up flipped over the handlebars trying to claw the plastic off his face before he fucking suffocates.

PPS. 

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