Bicyclists Formulating a Strategy, Going After the Gas

A young man bicycled up to a Bethlehem Lukoil gas station near Route 22 on Tuesday night, pulled a handgun on a cashier and emptied the cash register inside, according to police radio reports.

It was the fifth confirmed Lehigh Valley business robbery by a bicyclist this month, and it followed by an hour a similar store robbery in Easton.

In the 10:45 p.m. robbery of the Lukoil at 2450 Catasauqua Road, the bicyclist paid for a Snapple drink in the station store and drew the pistol when the cashier opened the register.

A robber or robbers followed the same pattern in the Sept. 16 and Sept. 18 robberies of gas stations and a beverage distributorship near Route 22 in Allentown, in Hanover Township, Northampton County, and in Whitehall Township. [Morning Call]

I want to say it’s ironic that bicyclist would be robbing a gas station, but actually it makes a fair amount of sense. Obviously this bicyclist is smarter than your average bicyclist.

Think about it: what do bicyclists want more than anything else? For nobody to be able to drive a car ever again. They want all cars off the road forever so that they can have the road all to themselves. That’s just a fact. But attacking individual drivers would take way too long. It’s just not efficient. Now, that doesn’t stop bicyclists from doing it, but that’s because they’re irredeemably stupid.

This guy has it figured out: if you want to stop the cars, you have to stop the gas. Now, I admit, he hasn’t really thought his plan through. I mean I’m not sure how pointing a gun at some zit-faced wage slave who is slowly being driven insane by the blinding fluorescent lights and low hum of the refrigerators as his tries to suffer his way through a methadone-fueled overnight shift is going to stop the gas, but he’s TRYING, and that’s really the point.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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1 Response to Bicyclists Formulating a Strategy, Going After the Gas

  1. Pingback: In Case You Didn’t Believe Me That Bicyclists Are Gearing Up For War, Apparently They’re Now Wearing Body Armor | I HATE BICYCLISTS

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