I HATE BICYCLISTS

THE rule-breaking cyclist that people decry: that’s me. I routinely run red lights, and so do you. I flout the law when I’m on my bike; you do it when you are on foot, at least if you are like most New Yorkers. My behavior vexes pedestrians, drivers and even some of my fellow cyclists. Similar conduct has stuck cyclists with tickets and court-ordered biking education classes.

But although it is illegal, I believe it is ethical. I’m not so sure about your blithely ambling into the intersection against the light while texting and listening to your iPod and sipping a martini. More or less.

I roll through a red light if and only if no pedestrian is in the crosswalk and no car is in the intersection — that is, if it will not endanger myself or anybody else. To put it another way, I treat red lights and stop signs as if they were yield signs. A fundamental concern of ethics is the effect of our actions on others. My actions harm no one. This moral reasoning may not sway the police officer writing me a ticket, but it would pass the test of Kant’s categorical imperative: I think all cyclists could — and should — ride like me. [NY Times]

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I’m not even going to say “typical bicyclist” here, because this is typical New York Times. Set up a ridiculous false argument that nobody is making, and use it to justify your idiotic, hypocritical behavior.

“Gosh,” says Randy. “I just don’t understand why people are complaining about me sailing through red lights when there are no cars around.” HEY DIPSHIT. IT’S WHEN YOU SAIL THROUGH RED LIGHTS WHEN THERE ARE CARS THAT PEOPLE ARE BITCHING. And don’t fucking tell me you don’t, you liar. I love (LOVE) the “yeah well you people on foot aren’t perfect either” argument. I guarantee you that while Randy is chilling here explaining to us that his illegal behavior is perfectly fine, he’s also yelling “share the road, asshole” at people driving their cars entirely within the law because they didn’t leave him 8 feet of room on the side of the road.

Just so typical. “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but if you think about it, it’s really not wrong.” One of these days, Randy is going to treat the wrong stoplight like a yield sign and get plugged by a fucking 18 wheeler, and it’s going to be his OWN goddamn fault. In fact, I almost hope someone ELSE gets nailed by a car and blames it on his advice. If HE gets hit, I guarantee he’ll find some twisted justification for why it’s the driver’s fault (“I know he had a green light, but drivers need to be alert and prepared to react to anything, so this really isn’t my fault”).

The responsibility of avoiding crashes lies especially with drivers given that they are the ones operating 4-5,000 lbs. of steel that can go faster and cause more damage than people riding 25 lb. bikes. Drivers must respect the rights of other road users, including bicyclists. Here are some tips on how to be a “bicycle-aware” driver.

1. Obey the law (including the speed limit) and don’t drive aggressively.

2. Eliminate distractions – don’t talk or text on your cell phone. Texting and driving is illegal.

3. Slow down and pass with care. PA law requires a minimum passing buffer of four feet.

4. Look in your side mirror before getting out of your car. There could be a cyclist coming!

5. Stay calm and treat cyclists and walkers with the same respect that you expect. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

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So I’m obviously not gonna post the entire dumbass letter this dumbass bicyclist sent to the newspaper about their dumbass bike rally, but this is really the most important excerpt. My favorite part is that the “responsibility of avoiding crashes lies especially with drivers given that they are the ones operating 4-5,000 lbs. of steel that can go faster and cause more damage than people riding 25 lb. bikes.” Ummmmm news flash bro. The fact that the car outweighs you by 4,975 lbs is exactly the reason why it’s on YOU to avoid it. This would be like me saying “it’s the responsibility of Mike Tyson to avoid picking a fight with me because he could make my skull explode like a fucking melon.” Nope. When I see a thing that can easily kill me, I STEER CLEAR.

So instead, in response to this asshole’s condescending set of driving tips, I’m going to offer you my REVISED top five tips for driving near bicyclists:

1. Obey the law (including the speed limit) and don’t drive aggressively.

Yeah this one is actually pretty straightforward and has nothing to do with bicycles. Thanks for talking to me like I’m five, dickbag.

2. Eliminate distractions – don’t talk or text on your cell phone. Texting and driving is illegal pass bicyclists as quickly as possible to avoid letting your rage get out of control.

Thanks for reminding me that texting and driving is illegal. You know what else is illegal? Blocking traffic and sailing through stop signs. The only way I can successfuly eliminate distractions is to pass you at 120 mph.

3. Slow down and Pass with care. PA law requires a minimum passing buffer Honk at the bicyclist blocking your path until he or she pulls over at least four feet.

Some bicyclists still seem to be unaware that they’re driving 25 lb brittle things that could be destroyed in a second by a car. Honk at them until they get that through their fucking skull.

4. Look in your side mirror before getting out of your car. There could be a cyclist coming!

I’m actually just going to eliminate this one entirely. If you’re a bicyclist and you see a car pull over, but you still insist on passing it within range of the doors, at full speed, you basically deserve what you get.

5. Stay calm and treat cyclists and walkers with the same respect that you expect.

This one is perfect, because I expect ZERO respect from bicyclists. It’s cunning that they tried to lump walkers in with them, though. Nice try, you biking cunt. Walkers are fine. They walk on the SIDEWALK. I’ve never had a walker yell at me to “share the road.” No no no. This is YOUR battle, bicyclists. And since I’ve never been treated with a modicum of respect by you, I hope you enjoy my bumper being two feet from your back tire until you pull off.