Magpies Are Officially the Greatest Birds in the Fucking World

 

 

Yes, it’s that season again, when magpies swoop and cyclists are skittish. Just as it starts to warm up and the mornings aren’t quite as dark comes the ever-present threat of feathered fury from the sky.

Back in 2006, when I embarked on my Mamil career, I had my first and most memorable incident. I was cycling through Manly on Sydney’s northern beaches, dreaming my little dreamy dreams, when THWACK! … a clash of claws and wings against my neck, and the horrible, dry rasp of a beak pecking at my ear.

I was still trying to interpret what had happened – had someone thrown something at me? – when THWACK, another strike. I weaved and bobbed like a loon for a suburban block until I was away from the danger. Or so I thought. THWACK!

I later learned that I was just another victim of the Pine Street Pest, a bird so persistent that it has been featured in the local paper. [Brisbane Times]

Is this a thing? I had no idea this was a thing. Magpies just swooping on down and clocking bicyclists on the dome? Well listen this is exactly what I’ve been saying the whole time: even nature doesn’t fuck around when it comes to bicyclists. I’m just imagining this awesome magpie circling around overhead going, oh what’s this? Some bicyclist is just gonna hog the road and block 8 cars behind him? Well that driver can’t hit you, BUT I CAN, MOTHERFUCKER. TASTE THE FURY.

Anyway this brings up an important question: is this just a magpie thing or do all kinds of birds do this? Because if I hear about a bald eagle just swooping down and pulling some asshole off his bike by the hair, I’m just going to kill myself right then and there. That’ll be the peak. No way it gets any better after that. Might as well call it a life.

 

 

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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