The responsibility of avoiding crashes lies especially with drivers given that they are the ones operating 4-5,000 lbs. of steel that can go faster and cause more damage than people riding 25 lb. bikes. Drivers must respect the rights of other road users, including bicyclists. Here are some tips on how to be a “bicycle-aware” driver.

1. Obey the law (including the speed limit) and don’t drive aggressively.

2. Eliminate distractions – don’t talk or text on your cell phone. Texting and driving is illegal.

3. Slow down and pass with care. PA law requires a minimum passing buffer of four feet.

4. Look in your side mirror before getting out of your car. There could be a cyclist coming!

5. Stay calm and treat cyclists and walkers with the same respect that you expect. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

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So I’m obviously not gonna post the entire dumbass letter this dumbass bicyclist sent to the newspaper about their dumbass bike rally, but this is really the most important excerpt. My favorite part is that the “responsibility of avoiding crashes lies especially with drivers given that they are the ones operating 4-5,000 lbs. of steel that can go faster and cause more damage than people riding 25 lb. bikes.” Ummmmm news flash bro. The fact that the car outweighs you by 4,975 lbs is exactly the reason why it’s on YOU to avoid it. This would be like me saying “it’s the responsibility of Mike Tyson to avoid picking a fight with me because he could make my skull explode like a fucking melon.” Nope. When I see a thing that can easily kill me, I STEER CLEAR.

So instead, in response to this asshole’s condescending set of driving tips, I’m going to offer you my REVISED top five tips for driving near bicyclists:

1. Obey the law (including the speed limit) and don’t drive aggressively.

Yeah this one is actually pretty straightforward and has nothing to do with bicycles. Thanks for talking to me like I’m five, dickbag.

2. Eliminate distractions – don’t talk or text on your cell phone. Texting and driving is illegal pass bicyclists as quickly as possible to avoid letting your rage get out of control.

Thanks for reminding me that texting and driving is illegal. You know what else is illegal? Blocking traffic and sailing through stop signs. The only way I can successfuly eliminate distractions is to pass you at 120 mph.

3. Slow down and Pass with care. PA law requires a minimum passing buffer Honk at the bicyclist blocking your path until he or she pulls over at least four feet.

Some bicyclists still seem to be unaware that they’re driving 25 lb brittle things that could be destroyed in a second by a car. Honk at them until they get that through their fucking skull.

4. Look in your side mirror before getting out of your car. There could be a cyclist coming!

I’m actually just going to eliminate this one entirely. If you’re a bicyclist and you see a car pull over, but you still insist on passing it within range of the doors, at full speed, you basically deserve what you get.

5. Stay calm and treat cyclists and walkers with the same respect that you expect.

This one is perfect, because I expect ZERO respect from bicyclists. It’s cunning that they tried to lump walkers in with them, though. Nice try, you biking cunt. Walkers are fine. They walk on the SIDEWALK. I’ve never had a walker yell at me to “share the road.” No no no. This is YOUR battle, bicyclists. And since I’ve never been treated with a modicum of respect by you, I hope you enjoy my bumper being two feet from your back tire until you pull off.