Contender for Dumbest Bicyclist Ever Just Riding Around with Stolen Property and Three Outstanding Warrants

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Falco

A man stopped by Napa police for a warrant check ended up being booked into jail on suspicion of possessing a wallet, identification and credit cards that had allegedly been reported stolen, police said.

Kristopher Scott Booth, a 38-year-old Napa resident, was stopped around 7:15 p.m. Sunday as he rode his bicycle in the area of Old Sonoma Road and Roosevelt Street, police said.

The officer arrested him on three outstanding warrants, police said. A search of Booth allegedly revealed a wallet, identification and credit cards that had been reported stolen on Aug. 20.

Booth was booked into the Napa jail, police said. The items were returned to the owner.  [Napa Valley Register]

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See, this one I get. Just a bad situation for the bicyclist here. I mean let’s face it, if you’re riding around with three outstanding warrants, the FIRST thing you’re gonna do is try to get ahold of somebody else’s ID just in case a cop pulls you over. Self-preservation 101. Pretty sure that’s what dad always taught me: if being yourself ever starts to be a disadvantage, go be somebody else. Pretty sure that’s what he said.

Anyway let’s be real for a second. You’ve got three outstanding warrants and you’re just bombing around town carrying the wallet you stole a week ago? Bro I’ve never stolen a single thing in my goddamn life but I’m pretty sure even I can figure out that you ditch the evidence after you grab the cash and max out the cards. Am I just totally one step ahead of everyone here? Am I some kind of thievery genius? Or is this guy just the dumbest motherfucker ever to sit on a bicycle?

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Bears Stage Non-Violent Protest of Bicyclists Invading Their Homeland

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Falco

The future of the GranFondo Banff is uncertain after a last minute change to the route of the cycling event was made necessary by the presence of feeding bears.

It was the first cycling event of its kind, a 142-kilometer route entirely inside the boundaries of a national park, and 1500 riders lined up to take part on Saturday.

But unfortunately no-one had reckoned with the presence of Bear No. 64, a 23-year old grizzly known as the matriarch of the Bow Valley.

No. 64 and her three cubs were feeding along the scenic Bow Valley Parkway, and what’s more, No. 128, an orphaned male grizzly was eating near the road. [road.cc]

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Just goes to show you that even the most notorious predators in the animal kingdom know that you don’t fight bicyclists by sinking to their level. Sometimes you just gotta show that you’re the bigger man. You don’t gotta swat bicyclists off their bikes like the elephants and cows are doing. Sometimes you just gotta show up by the side of a bike race and chew on some deer. Let em know you’re there.

Bear didn’t hurt anyone. Bear didn’t even threaten anyone. Just stared em down and the bicyclists blinked first. NBD. Keep doin’ your thing, bear.

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So, This Whole Lance Armstrong Thing

Posted on August 24, 2012 by Falco

I bet you all think I’m gonna hate on Lance Armstrong because I hate bicyclists. But I ain’t mad at him. Sure, Lance shows that even professional cyclists are duplicitous, lying assholes. But Lance is a professional cyclist, not a dipshit city bicyclist. I’ve never seen Lance block a busy street. I’ve never seen Lance bitch out a driver just trying to maintain a reasonable speed. And why not? Oh yeah that’s right, Lance is too busy raising millions and millions of dollars to fight cancer.

So do your thing Lance Armstrong. I ain’t mad at you. Sure they’re gonna ban you from bicycling forever, but that just means it’s probably time to hang up the bike. Because if you transition from professional cyclist to casual douchebag rider, THAT’S what’s gonna put you on my shit list. Not dumb shit like steroids.

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Another Animal Kingdom Heard From: The Cows Have Chosen a Side

Posted on August 24, 2012 by Falco

BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) — A construction worker who tried to help police corral a runaway cow said the bovine charged at him “like a bull at a rodeo,” tossing him into the air before continuing its rampage through the streets of Montana’s largest city.

The snorting, charging cow ran amok in downtown Billings on Tuesday for more than an hour and a half, terrifying pedestrians and knocking over a bicyclist until a police sniper fired a single shot through its heart.

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First off let me just say that I feel bad for the construction worker. Guy was just trying to do his civic duty and help the police corral a runaway animal. Didn’t deserve to have his leg broken by a runaway cow. THAT SAID, the cow is obviously the real victim here. Shot through the heart by a police sniper? What in the fuck?! Dude. It’s a cow. I get it, it’s heavy. But this is MONTANA. How is there not some bored rancher ready to lasso this cow from horseback? That’s what Montana people do right? Pretty sure I read that.

Anyway I think we can all agree that the police sniper must not have seen the cow knock over that bicyclist, because if he had he obviously wouldn’t have shot him. Cow just doin’ his thing. Knocking over dickbag bicyclists. Who could have a problem with that?

And by the way, this fits right into the bicyclist pattern. They don’t even give CARS room to get around them. So is anyone surprised that this asshole saw a rampaging cow and still thought he had the right of way? Seriously how big of an asshole do you have to be to not give a rampaging cow the widest of wide berths. Straight typical.

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Does This Bicyclist Seriously Think There Are Single-Issue Bike Lane Voters Out There?

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Falco

But even saurian brains can’t be that small. Bikes must occasionally leave bike lanes, just as buses occasionally leave bus lanes. And although rudeness and stupidity are as common among cyclists as others, a few random failures do not a catastrophe make.

Plus, they’re popular where it counts. If city voters didn’t support bike lanes they wouldn’t keep increasing the majority of the administration that created them. (Yes, more on this in a couple of weeks.)

So is the state just playing to a different audience? Is all this cycle-rage chest-beating really aimed at the talkback sector, out beyond the bike line? [Stock & Land]

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So this is just a piece of a much larger article, but I gotta say I’m confused. If bike lanes weren’t popular people wouldn’t keep re-electing the administration that creates them? I…dude, do you seriously think that’s the issue people are voting on? Like people are in the voting booth going, “well, I could vote for the republican who wants to cut my taxes, or I could go with the democrat who wants to give me free health care, but the REAL question here is which one of them supported bike lanes??”

Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe these people do exist. I mean clearly whoever wrote this is one of them. And they clearly miss the point here, too (AGAIN). Nobody gives a shit if bicyclists stick to the bike lanes. Nobody cares if they pop out of the bike lane to make a turn or something. As long as they aren’t needlessly obstructing traffic. That’s what these people don’t get. Their mindset can basically be summed up as “if you start punishing bicyclists for doing illegal things, it’s only a matter of time before you start punishing bicyclists for doing LEGAL things. SLIPPERY SLOPE SLIPPERY SLOPE.”

MY mindset can basically be summed up as: “fuck off.”

PS. I’m “parked in the Jurassic”? JOKE’S ON YOU: DINOSAURS RULE.

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Ho Hum: Just More Bicyclists Getting Naked and Peeing on Buildings

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Falco

The relationship between some residents in San Antonio and the bicyclists that pedal through the town multiple times a week – if not daily – has been rocky.

Both sides have levied serious complaints.

Some residents have seen cyclists disrobe in parking lots to change out of riding gear into street clothes. Others have seen a few cyclists relieve themselves on the side of buildings. [Tampa Tribune]

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Yawn. Old news. Bicyclists getting naked in public? I feel like I’ve written about this about 700 times by now. There really isn’t much left to say other than that it confirms that what bicyclists really want is attention.  At their core all they are is physically fit exhibitionists. To them, the bicycle is really just an accessory to get people to pay attention to them. Doesn’t matter what kind of attention they want. Maybe they want to brag about their environmentalism. Maybe they want to brag about how far they biked that one time. Maybe they just want somebody to see their dick. Different strokes I guess.

My favorite part of this one is the “changing out of riding gear” part. Because it pretty much solidifies them as douchebags. You know what “riding gear” is to me? Shorts and a t-shirt. Not these professionals. These are the guys riding around in spandex jerseys like they’re heading off to a training session with Lance Armstrong. Relax bro. You’re biking to your job at the Kroger on a $45 used Schwinn. I think Lance will understand if you throw on a t-shirt.

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Insurance Company Says Bicyclists Should Have to be Safety Trained Like Drivers, Bicyclists Predictably Go Fucking Bananas

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Falco

An open letter from a motor insurance company to Secretary of State for Transport Justine Greening that called for all cyclists to be required to “undergo compulsory training and testing before they take to the road” has attracted strong criticism from cyclists on social media channels including Twitter.

The letter to Ms Greening formed part of a campaign from insurance firm Ingenie called #ShareTheRoadUK launched yesterday, accompanied by the infographic pictured above and with heavy promotion on Twitter, including by footballer turned TV presenter Gary Lineker as well as the endorsement, subsequently withdrawn, of cycling website BikeRadar.

Ingenie provides insurance to young motorists who often have trouble securing motor insurance or are charged high premiums, using telematics – also referred to as ‘black box’ technology – to allow it to assess risk on an individual driver basis. [road.cc]

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Okay, so Ingenie just shot up my list of absolute favorite companies in the world. What’s that? Bicyclists are complaining that the roads are unsafe? Well maybe you should learn how to mitigate that risk yourselves, assholes. I mean honestly I don’t see what the problem is here. It’s a vehicle. You need a license to take a car on the road. You need a license to take a motorcycle on the road. Hell you need a license to take a Goddamn VESPA on the road. Let’s not sit here and pretend like bicycles are SO MUCH DIFFERENT.

But then again of COURSE bicyclists are up in arms about this. What good is safety training going to do? They run red lights. They run stop signs. They don’t yield to pedestrians. They hog the road. It’s not like they’re confused and they think that those things aren’t against the law. They know they’re against the law. They just firmly believe that the law does not apply to them.

So yeah, even though it’s pretty much an empty gesture because nothing is ever going to change these lawless fucks, I have to applaud Ingenie for trolling the fuck out of bicyclists and getting their panties firmly a bunch.

PS. Isn’t that just about the best picture of all time?

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Bicyclists Continue to Thwart Justice, Prevent Police from Ticketing Them for Doing Illegal Shit

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Falco

Earlier this month, police officers in the City of Roseburg tried to strengthen their authority to ticket people who do not ride in bike lanes. They thought they could sneak an agenda item through City Council and be on their way. It turns out, they were wrong.

Officers wanted to close a loophole in ORS 814.420, the law that mandates people on bicycles must use a bike lane if/when one is available (there are myriad exceptions to the rule). Specifically, the police wanted to close the loophole that says a person is not required to follow the law, “unless the state or local authority… finds, after public hearing, that the bicycle lane or bicycle path is suitable for safe bicycle use at reasonable rates of speed.”

By police department request, City staffers provided Roseburg City Council with a list of all the bike lanes in Roseburg and the put it on the council agenda. The thinking was, if the list was passed, it would qualify as the “public hearing” required by law and would make it easier for Roseburg police to successfully prosecute people for riding outside the bike lane. The problem with that is, there would be no public process or qualitative analysis to make sure that those bike lanes were indeed “safe for bicycle use”.

I’m happy to report today that common sense has prevailed. [Bike Portland]

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First off I love this bicycle blog. “Common sense has prevailed.” Bro common sense is biking in the bike lane. Common sense is not bitching when a car that can go approximately 1,000 miles an hour faster than your spandex-clad ass passes you.

Yeah, so bicyclists just want to make sure that there is some sort of bureaucratic nightmare that prevents cops from actually enforcing the law and keeping them the fuck out of traffic. I know Portland has a reputation for being one of the most bike-friendly cities in America, which tells me that Portland is definitely one of the cities in America with the highest level of driver frustration. Seriously, it’s amazing to me that Portland doesn’t see some frustrated driver lose his shit and plow through a cluster of bicyclists purely out of pent up rage and frustration. Because let’s be clear here: that loophole is fucking ridiculous and this bicyclist knows it. But people get the society they deserve, I guess. If Portland is going to let the bicyclists run the show, this is what’s going to happen. And it’s not like Portland doesn’t have bike lanes on literally EVERY STREET. I know what it’s like out there. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re just pissed because you’re not going to be able to inconvenience drivers anymore while smirking and sipping your latte and loudly announcing how much you care about the environment because you bike to work. You make me SICK.

So credit Portland drivers, because they have to deal with dippy shitbrain bicyclists like the author of this blog every day. God help them.

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Bicyclist Crashes into Cop Car While Fleeing with Stolen TV

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Falco

 

PORT CHARLOTTE, Fla.- Charlotte County Sheriff’s deputies arrested a man who stole a television in a box from the Port Charlotte Walmart and fled with it on his bicycle. He was arrested when he crashed into the back of a detective’s vehicle. Jonathan Ryan Fontaine, 32, of 21247 Coulton Avenue, was arrested for Retail Theft and Resisting an Officer. [WINK News Now]

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You know what my favorite part about this is? I didn’t even have to change the title from the local news story. I mean it perfectly sums up everything you need to know. The title says it all.

This combines two of my favorite storylines (“bicyclists are convict thieves mooching off society” and “bicyclist slams his own bike into a vehicle”) into one amazing narrative. And I’m not going to lie. A little part of me is impressed by this guy. I mean it’s one thing to steal a television. It’s another thing to run off with it, then attempt to BIKE away with the thing strapped to your back. So I give the guy an 8 for style, but a 2 in execution.

And it’s not even like this guy crashed into a cop car while it was taking a tight turn. It’s not like he got cut off by the cop and couldn’t avoid the collision. He slammed into the BACK of the cop car. How is that even possible? Was he just not even paying attention at all and it just HAPPENED to be a cop car? Did the cop car pull in front of him and slam on the brakes? Judging by the story it seems to be a combination of both of those options. So many unanswered questions. This story is a work of art. 10/10.

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Bicyclist Hunts Down Dude Who Stole His $2,500 Bike…Hang On, Did You Say $2,500 Bike?

Posted on August 17, 2012 by Falco

SEATTLE (AP) — Jake Gillum loves his bike. So when it got stolen in Portland, Ore., while he was on a date, he was determined to get it back.

The quest seemed hopeless, but a week of poring over online postings for his 2009 carbon fiber Fuji paid off when he spotted the road bike offered for sale in Seattle. That sparked an elaborate interstate sting operation last weekend in which Gillum not only got his bicycle back but used it to chase down the suspect before police arrested him.

Gillum documented it all on YouTube under the username Simon Jackson.

“This is why you don’t steal from bicyclists!” Gillum shouts as he trails the suspect while recording with his phone. “Because we care about our rides! Because I will go 160 miles to get my $2,500 bike back! You are going to jail!”

In an interview Thursday, the 28-year-old added, “Best feeling in the world, seeing that guy get locked in the police car.”

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Listen I’m not gonna sit here and endorse stealing from bicyclists, but when you spend $2,500 on a bicycle you pretty much deserve to have it stolen, right? I mean my first car cost less than that. Like a LOT less than that. I’m just trying to imagine the level of delusion that bicyclists sink to when they convince themselves that they need to drop two grand on a bike because it’s “carbon fiber.” Bro unless you’re buying a hovercraft you can probably just get it on the cheap. Get back to me when you win the Tour de France.

Also, “You are going to jail”? Seriously? That’s the best you can fucking do? You just traveled 160 miles to chase down some random asshole who you were hunting for WEEKS and you didn’t spend ANY of that time thinking up good taunts? This is just sad, dude. I like a good revenge story. I like a good justice story. But I just can’t get behind you when the best retort you can muster is “DURRR YOU’RE GOIN TER JAIL.” Fucking pathetic.

PS. Just look at that fucking picture. That is the very picture of a man who would buy a $2,500 carbon fiber bike.

Posted in Criminals | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments