PORT CHARLOTTE, Fla.- Charlotte County Sheriff’s deputies arrested a man who stole a television in a box from the Port Charlotte Walmart and fled with it on his bicycle. He was arrested when he crashed into the back of a detective’s vehicle. Jonathan Ryan Fontaine, 32, of 21247 Coulton Avenue, was arrested for Retail Theft and Resisting an Officer. [WINK News Now]
You know what my favorite part about this is? I didn’t even have to change the title from the local news story. I mean it perfectly sums up everything you need to know. The title says it all.
This combines two of my favorite storylines (“bicyclists are convict thieves mooching off society” and “bicyclist slams his own bike into a vehicle”) into one amazing narrative. And I’m not going to lie. A little part of me is impressed by this guy. I mean it’s one thing to steal a television. It’s another thing to run off with it, then attempt to BIKE away with the thing strapped to your back. So I give the guy an 8 for style, but a 2 in execution.
And it’s not even like this guy crashed into a cop car while it was taking a tight turn. It’s not like he got cut off by the cop and couldn’t avoid the collision. He slammed into the BACK of the cop car. How is that even possible? Was he just not even paying attention at all and it just HAPPENED to be a cop car? Did the cop car pull in front of him and slam on the brakes? Judging by the story it seems to be a combination of both of those options. So many unanswered questions. This story is a work of art. 10/10.