Bicyclists Just Getting Drunk and Punching Female Cops Now

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Falco

A drunk cyclist has been accused of attacking a female police officer in Cairns.

The cyclist was stopped on suspicion of riding while over the limit on Thursday night.

Police allege he punched the 37-year-old officer several times in the back of the head, leaving her with bruises.

The 35-year-old has been charged with drink driving, assaulting police, stealing and failing to wear a helmet. [NineMSN]

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This might be an all-timer, man. I mean how big of a douchebag can one person possibly be? No helmet? Check. Drunk driving? Check. Stealing? Check. Punching a cop? Check. Punching a WOMAN? Check.

Look, punching a cop is dumb. That’s for sure. And punching a woman is wrong on every level. So how much of a fucking idiot do you have to be to punch a female cop? Like I’ve been drunk but I’ve definitely never hit a woman. And I’ve definitely never hit a cop. So I guess maybe it’s just the whole bicycle thing? I know they think laws don’t apply to them, but I would have thought that even a bicyclist would know that you don’t hit a cop. Guess not. Huh.

PS. How fucking drunk do you have to be for a cop to notice? Was he yelling at the top of his lungs as he rode down the street? Was he swerving in and out of the road? Was he peeing everywhere? I must know.

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If You Hate Lance Armstrong, You Hate America

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Falco

Listen I know I touched on this Lance Armstrong bullshit before, but now that it’s back in the news it’s important to remember one thing: if you suddenly hate Lance Armstrong now, you are basically a terrorist.

See the thing is, Lance Armstrong didn’t just cheat. Lance Armstrong was the BEST at cheating. Because let’s not all race to get on our high horse here: every single person who biked in the Tour de France when Lance won those medals was a doper. Every single one. Not an unpunctured vein in the bunch.

I know what you’re thinking. But he was a bicyclist! Why don’t you hate him!? Listen, I explained this before: they released a THOUSAND page document to tear down Lance Armstrong, but I guaran-fucking-tee you that nowhere in that mountain of evidence can be found the sentence “and then Lance blew through two red lights and caused a traffic jam by riding as slowly as possible.” Nowhere. Not once in 1,000 pages.

So you can call Lance a dick all you want, but the man knows how to bike. So keep crying, Spain. Keep crying, France. Our dopers were better than your dopers. Because anyone who thinks the French team was riding around going “steroids? What are those?” is a fucking moron.

PS. Did I miss the part where the ADA took away all the money Lance raised for cancer research? No? That all still counts? Jeez, who does he think he is raising hundreds of millions of dollars to stop cancer, all while he was cheating at the ride-the-bike-around-the-country thing that everyone else was cheating at too. Oh yeah, man, Lance Armstrong, what a dick, fuck that guy.

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Bicyclist Runs Three Red Lights in About 10 Seconds, NYPD Hero Lowers the BOOM

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Falco

One Brooklyn cyclist says he was hit with a $1,555 ticket for running three red lights in a row. It’s not why he was ticketed that has us stumped, but how. 

The cyclist, who asked the Gothamist to keep his name anonymous, says the officer admitted to following him the entire time before deciding to pull him over after the third light.

In total, he was charged $190 for the first light, $375 for the second, and $940 for the third. The headphones cost him another $50.

Sure, he was guilty, but we can’t imagine a driver being followed for that long while a cop tallied up his traffic violations. [Business Insider]

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NYPD gets it! NYPD gets it! God DAMN I would have loved to see the look on this fucking Brooklyn hipster’s face when he saw $1,555 on that ticket. High fucking comedy. 10/10. Better than anything Adam Sandler has done in about 10 years. Would watch again.

I just love how this bicyclist thinks the fact that the cop followed him through all three lights is actually a defense of some kind. Waahhh waahh if he was gonna pull me over he should have done it after the first one. Ummmm bro. You ran three red lights in a row with a cop right behind you the whole time. I’m pretty sure that makes you the dumbest human being on the fucking planet. Of course he probably didn’t notice the cop because he was distracted by the music on his headphones that he was illegally wearing. Real genius level stuff here.

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Bicyclists Not Just Robbing Old Ladies Anymore; Now Curb Stomping Them Too

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Falco

A 62-year-old retired woman fell victim to a bag thief after missing her bus on a Saturday morning shopping trip, a judge was told.

The victim was walking to Brownhills to catch another bus into Walsall town centre when she was targeted by cyclist Daniel Taylor, Wolverhampton Crown Court heard.

The 20-year-old struck on the foot and cycle path running alongside the A5 to the Park View Medical Centre at Chester Road North, said prosecutor Miss Alka Brigue.

Taylor grabbed the strap of her bag as he came alongside her at around 9.30am on August 18.

He tugged so hard that she was hurled to the ground but clung on to the bag until he trod on her hand forcing her to let go, said Miss Brigue. [Express and Star]

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Yup, this poor old lady is just trying to go downtown and buy some sweets for her grandkids, but Danny Taylor had to hop on his bicycle and bring the hammer down. I mean stealing from an old lady is already some straight up 7th-level-of-Hell shit, but seriously man.

A) You weren’t even strong enough to rip the purse out of a 62-year-old lady’s hands, which is fucking pathetic in the first place. I mean listen I know these Baby Boomers can be some tough old broads but you gotta have some pride.

B) When you failed to rip it out of her hands, you just went ahead and stomped on her? Ain’t no jury in the world gonna give you a minimum sentence now, son. Sometimes you can make an excuse for stealing: “I needed money for my mother’s medication,” or “My little sister hasn’t eaten for days and I need money for food,” or “I really wanted that XBox game,” but all those excuses pretty much lose their luster when you throw curb stomping an old lady into the mix.

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News of the Week That Should Surprise No One: Bicyclists Still Riding Around Naked and Traumatizing Women

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Falco

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A man is being charged with public indecency after allegedly riding his bicycle while naked.

Paul James Donahue was arrested on Monday afternoon after a witness said that he saw Donahue, 43, naked on his bicycle riding past a woman at Northbank Park.

Donahue was charged with one count of public indecency. Additional charges could follow.
 
Police have investigated a number of reports of a naked bicyclist, but authorities did not say if they believe Donahue is responsible for the other incidents. [10tv.com]

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Sorry for the lack of updating, I’ve been damn busy. And so have the bicyclists, it seems! Check up Paul here, just riding around some poor women while buck-ass naked. I’d love to hear the conversation with the cops, too. “What’s wrong officer? Oh this? Is that illegal? Are you sure? You do see that I’m on a bike, right? I’m pretty sure you can’t arrest me if I’m on a bike.”

Seriously though the best part of this article has to be the final line. Oh yeah, there have been a whole bunch of other naked bicyclist reports, but we can’t be sure it’s the same guy. Is that…is that a common thing? Is there like a naked bicyclist epidemic in this town? How the fuck can they not be sure if it’s the same guy?

Actually you know what, I do understand. I mean how many naked bicyclist articles have I posted in the last couple of months? Yeah never mind cops, you’re right to not rule it out. Do your due diligence. There’s probably a cabin in the woods full of naked old dudes with bicycles that’s a man short right now.

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Because Regular Bicycles Aren’t Flimsy Enough, Cardboard Bicycles Are Now Apparently a Thing

Posted on September 24, 2012 by Falco

A bicycle made of cardboard may seem an unlikely form of transport – but one inventor claims to have developed one that costs just £10 to make.

By folding over sheets to double their strength, he claims the machine is durable, waterproof and costs very little to produce.

Everything apart from the brakes and chain is cardboard – including the seat. [Daily Mail]

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This is where I don’t even pretend to understand bicyclists. They spend half their time bitching that the roads aren’t safe for them, and apparently the other half of their time trying to find ways to make bicycles less safe. Like do bicyclists ENJOY going to the emergency room? I just don’t get it.

Oh and I don’t want to hear about how you “sprayed it with waterproof resin.” Your bike is made of fucking cardboard. I guess me saying that the thing is going to crumple like paper when a car hits it kind of loses its meaning when the bike is literally made of fucking paper. And cars are the least of your worries. I can’t wait to see some hipster ride through a puddle that’s a little too deep and find himself sitting in a pile of mush while he rings his handlebar bell. Poetry.

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Bicyclists No Longer Content With Just Obstructing Traffic, Now Delaying Your Train Rides Too

Posted on September 19, 2012 by Falco

A bicyclist who rode down the ramp of a CTA Blue Line station on the West Side on Wednesday morning was not seriously injured after he lost control of his bike and wound up on the tracks.

The CTA was notified of the incident about 10:20 a.m., according to spokeswoman Catherine Hosinski. According to preliminary information, the bicyclclist was riding down the ramp at the Kedzie Blue Line station, “from the station to the platform,” and when he got to the platform he lost control.

The cyclist wound up on the train tracks, but did not make contact either with the electrified third rail or a train, Hosinski said. Power was immediately turned off to the rails and Chicago Fire Department crews responded and removed the bicyclist from the tracks.

He was taken to Mount Sinai Hospital in good condition, with non life-threatening injuries, Fire Media Affairs Director Larry Langford said.

Blue Line trains were delayed, but power was restored and trains moving again about 10:45 a.m., Hosinski said. [Chicago Sun-Times]

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I’m gonna be honest with you. My commute took about twice as long as usual today because of metro issues. I’m not feeling particularly generous towards people who obstruct public transit right now.

But it takes a special kind of idiot to even think it’s okay to ride your bike into a subway station in the first place. I mean I’ll admit that I’m not exactly familiar with the layout of Chicago’s public transit stations, but I have to think that the ramps are probably not wide enough to accommodate a fucking bike lane. GET OFF THE BIKE. If ever there was an appropriate time to get off your fucking bike and walk it, it would be when you’re on a narrow civilian walkway.

But nope. Not this guy. Doesn’t play by anybody’s rules. Just flies on down the ramp and right onto the tracks. Probably missed the third rail by an inch and a half. Because if there’s one place you want to be careless, it’s within a short fall of a half a million volts of electricity.

Pretty typical overall though. The guy was probably frustrated because he didn’t manage to obstruct enough cars that day. Figured he’d just delay everyone’s trains by 25 minutes to get his rocks off. I get you, bicyclist. I know your game.

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Bicyclist Rides Around in Circles, Sits on the Ground, Tells Everyone He Got Hit By a Car

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Falco

NAPLES, FL – Naples Police arrested a bicyclist after he lied about having been hit by a vehicle that fled the scene of the accident at 15th Avenue North and 10th Street North, according to police reports.

According to reports, Naples Police received a 9-1-1 call from Ergy Staco around noon on Sunday. Staco said he was riding his bicycle when he collided with a vehicle that fled the scene.

When police and EMTs arrived, he said he could not feel his legs, reports said.

Staco was placed in a neck brace and onto a back board and taken to the hospital.

Police could not find any physical evidence of an accident and found no damage to the bicycle, reports said.

While investigating, an employee of the City of Naples water plant walked up to the officer and told the officer that the plant had surveillance video.

The surveillance video showed Staco riding his bicycle south on the sidewalk on the east side of 10th Street North. The video then showed Staco ride his bike into the northbound lane of the street, reports said.

An SUV swerved around Staco, but did not strike him, reports said.

According to the video, Staco rode his bicycle in circles, then laid it down on the sidewalk and Staco laid down onto the sidewalk, reports said.

The officer noted Staco was in the exact same location when he arrived to the scene. [NBC Naples]

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So here’s the thing. I try to stay away from commenting on stories where bicyclists suffer real, actual injuries, because that’s not funny. No matter how big a dick a bicyclist may be, he still doesn’t deserve to be run over by a car.

But Ergy here is just trying to change the game completely! I mean if bicyclists are just gonna straight up fake accidents, how am I supposed to know what’s real and what’s not? This guy is just fucking up the game for all bicyclists. Now every time I hear about a bicyclist getting hit by a car, in the back of my mind I’m gonna have to wonder if they’re pulling an Ergy Staco and faking the whole thing. Is it fair? Of course not. But it’s also not fair for Ergy here to go besmirching the good name of Naples drivers. I mean what was the plan here? “Raise awareness” for bike lanes or something? Just to get in the news? So many questions, so few answers.

PS. What’s the deal with these paramedics? Literally not a scratch on his entire body and they strap him to a back board with a neck brace. Come on guys. Get your shit together.

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Looks Like DC Is Starting to Catch On

Posted on September 13, 2012 by Falco

This morning, commuters walking to the Metro who got a copy of the Washington Examiner tabloid saw a cover that shouts, “Motorists fuming as bicyclists pack roads; Everyone angry at clueless Bikeshare riders.”

Whoever did the layout even put it above a picture of actual riots and fire in the Middle East. Martin Austermuhle notes, “From afar you’d be hard-pressed not to think that the Examiner is discretely trying to make another point.” [Greater Greater Washington]

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So this morning I was greeted by the above newspaper cover as I hopped on the metro to get to work. I have to say I think they kind of nailed it? I mean if there’s one thing worse than a bicyclist it’s a bicyclist who doesn’t even own his own fucking bicycle.

And listen to this blogger bitch. Wah wah, from far away it looks like the headline and the picture go together. Well you know what? Get the fuck over it. What “other point” do you think they’re trying to make? That Capital Bikeshare users are ridiculous and their bikes should all be set on fire? Because if that’s the case I gotta say I kind of agree. When my commute gets ten minutes longer because my bus is stuck behind some dipshit on a bright red Bikeshare bike who can’t figure out why there are 800 drivers honking at him, I definitely start to feel like breaking some shit.

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Bicyclists Running Over Little Old Ladies Now Because They Just Don’t Give a Fuck

Posted on September 10, 2012 by Falco

A writer has called for the introduction of a “cycling licence” after her elderly mother was knocked down and injured twice in a month.

Petronella Wyatt said many riders were “rogues” and “as low as the meanest hit-men”.

Her mother Veronica Banszky Von Ambroz, known as Verushka, was shopping in Regent Street on August 16 when she was struck the first time.

The cyclist apparently did not stop and the pensioner was left in the road with a broken arm.

Then four days ago, just as she was finally getting her strength back, she was struck down again, this time in north London on her way to buy bread.

She nearly lost the sight in her left eye and may now have to undergo an operation on her broken arm which sustained further damage. [London Evening Standard]

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Ho hum. Am I supposed to be surprised by this? I don’t fucking think so. When you boil it down, bicyclists honestly just believe that they are the #1 method of transportation and anyone who isn’t on a bike doesn’t really count as a person. That includes cars, trucks, segways, and apparently little old ladies on foot.

Every time some driver hit-and-runs a  bicyclist, the bicycling community acts like there is some sort of coordinated effort among drivers to genocide bicyclists right off the face of the earth. Meanwhile poor Verushka (which is the best little old lady name ever btw) up here is just getting her arms broken and her eyeballs knocked out. Yup. Nothing to see here. Doesn’t count because a bicyclist did it. You people make me sick.

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