Listen I know I touched on this Lance Armstrong bullshit before, but now that it’s back in the news it’s important to remember one thing: if you suddenly hate Lance Armstrong now, you are basically a terrorist.

See the thing is, Lance Armstrong didn’t just cheat. Lance Armstrong was the BEST at cheating. Because let’s not all race to get on our high horse here: every single person who biked in the Tour de France when Lance won those medals was a doper. Every single one. Not an unpunctured vein in the bunch.

I know what you’re thinking. But he was a bicyclist! Why don’t you hate him!? Listen, I explained this before: they released a THOUSAND page document to tear down Lance Armstrong, but I guaran-fucking-tee you that nowhere in that mountain of evidence can be found the sentence “and then Lance blew through two red lights and caused a traffic jam by riding as slowly as possible.” Nowhere. Not once in 1,000 pages.

So you can call Lance a dick all you want, but the man knows how to bike. So keep crying, Spain. Keep crying, France. Our dopers were better than your dopers. Because anyone who thinks the French team was riding around going “steroids? What are those?” is a fucking moron.

PS. Did I miss the part where the ADA took away all the money Lance raised for cancer research? No? That all still counts? Jeez, who does he think he is raising hundreds of millions of dollars to stop cancer, all while he was cheating at the ride-the-bike-around-the-country thing that everyone else was cheating at too. Oh yeah, man, Lance Armstrong, what a dick, fuck that guy.