You’ll Never Believe This But A Bunch Of Bicycle Bloggers Are NOT Happy With Your Boy Falco


[CycleKYIN] Falco appears not to like cyclist, like we give a shit.  He has a blog titled “I HATE BICYCLIST” where he routinely points out faults of cyclist he has encountered.  Like I couldn’t spend hours on the mishaps occurring on the roads.  I have better things to do with my time hopefully.

It appears his name is Shane and his profile on twitter (footstepsfaIco) introduces himself as:

More famous than Jesus, better dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn’t be seen dead on a cross and never been caught up a chimney.

I personally think there might be issues if he’s comparing himself to Jesus and Santa Claus.  My guess is that psychiatrist would have a lot to work with in this case.  They might be able to retire after documenting these issues.

My take is that he was delayed in getting to his fantasy football draft party by cyclist when he was already late.  Instead of being a man and stepping up to the responsibility of being late he blamed the cyclist for delaying him 30 seconds.  He was probably 15 minutes late and missed his first draft choice, in turn his fantasy team sucked, he had to pay out $25 winning nothing and the anger over this cyclist that caused his slight delay has manifested over the years.

I think Shane needs an intervention.  His friends (I actually doubt he has any) need to sit him down and let him know it’s not normal to have people who have never met him grant an award titled “Asshole of the Month”.  The problem is he probably doesn’t have any friends.  Sitting in front of the television watching Patriot games or watching fantasy football shows year round typically doesn’t yield quality relationships.

I feel sorry for Shane as he waste his life away in front of the television.  He does admit to looking at internet porn in one of his post so I guess he has a second hobby.  It looks like a little exercise would do him well so he shouldn’t be upset with cyclist for inconveniencing him from time to time.  Maybe the root of the problem is simply feeling inadequate in comparison to cyclist.

CycleKYIN coming in HOT! I know it was probably tough to read through all the garbled sentences and the fact that our buddy “JN” doesn’t believe in plurals, but it seems like these guys are none too happy with your boy Falco!

To be honest, as much as I’d like to reply with a scathing rebuke, I just can’t bring myself to do it. In fact more than anything I’m just impressed that someone from Kentucky was able to stop spooning mayonnaise and grits into their mouth for long enough to write a blog post of any substantial length.

Besides, it’s really tough to argue with any of the stuff in this post. I mean, he basically just described every red-blooded American male. Television, porn, football, and gambling. The Fearsome Foursome! Now, I know what you’re thinking: he forgot booze. But that’s okay. Any way you look at it, naming four of the five best things in the world and recognizing my dedication to them is pretty good. I have to tip my cap. And the best part is, it makes perfect sense! Their justification for awarding me Asshole of the Month basically describes 99% of the population, proving once again that bicyclists live in a deranged fantasy world with no concept of reality or acceptable behavior. And JN. JN, buddy. I KNOW you’re not going to look me in the eye and pretend you’ve never watched porn. I get that you hate me (and frankly I’d be pretty horrified if you liked me), but let’s at LEAST level with each other here.

In the end, I’m a little confused about the whole thing. It seems like he’s trying to paint me as a villain, but he’s pretty much described me as just about the most normal, relatable person ever. Is this actually a fan blog? Is this guy secretly trying to praise me, but framing it negatively so his banana-seated brethren won’t realize it? I’m onto your game, friend. Your secret is safe with me. And just to prove there are no hard feelings, I’ll even link to your little site again. Probably triple your pageviews for the month. That’s just the way I roll. I’m a generous man.

PS. I have to admit I got a little rattled when I saw “It looks like a little exercise would do him well.” Started feeling a little self-conscious about the ol’ waistline. But then I noticed the picture of me they used. Note for the future: when attempting to paint someone as a fat, lazy, shiftless homebody, avoid using a picture of them outside exercising. I should thank you, really. Not only have you given me an award that I can be truly proud of, you have successfully portrayed me as a football-loving, bike-hating, red blooded American who loves puppies and beaches. Shit son, if I wrote this myself they’d accuse me of bragging.

PPS. Also worth noting: guess who was named Asshole of the Month before me?

Screen Shot 2015-04-29 at 2.50.43 PM

Heyoooo! It’s American Hero Lance Armstrong! As if being named Asshole of the Month by a bunch of lunatic bicyclists wasn’t enough of an honor, now I’m being mentioned in the same breath as the great Lance Armstrong? Goddamn. This guy couldn’t stroke my ego any more if he tried.

PPPS. Seriously though, how much of a gasket do you think these guys would blow if they saw the glowing things I’ve written about Lance Armstrong?

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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6 Responses to You’ll Never Believe This But A Bunch Of Bicycle Bloggers Are NOT Happy With Your Boy Falco

  1. onenameleft says:

    This part makes me laugh “Falco appears not to like cyclist, like we give a shit.”
    Looks like enough shit was given to blog about it.
    Bicyclists are 99watts short of a 100 watt light bulb. They get all bent out of shape when someone blogs about their stupidity. Why are they so scared of people blogging about them? Are they scared their going to get banned from the road ways?

  2. bicyclebill2000 says:

    Go ahead and laugh at this guy, Falco, but remember I’m the kind of cyclist who is actually your worst nightmare — an educated person who can write coherently, with correct plurals where needed and in full, grammatically-correct sentences.  I have the skill of a surgeon when it comes to cutting through all the obfuscation and irrelevant bullshit that you post, and I am capable of using logic and relevant facts where needed, especially when it comes to the inconsistencies found in your blatherings.

    Do not necessarily fear me, but depend on me to be here to point out the error of your viewpoint whenever you post what I consider to be nothing more than mental diarrhea.

  3. CJinDC says:

    We have an overwhelming number of douchebags in DC. Many of those douchebags become even bigger douchebags on their bicycles. Actually, they remind me a lot of BicycleBill here – huge ego and angry (great combo for a bicyclist). Thanks for this post, Falco – made me laugh!

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