Lance Armstrong blames cycling’s governing body for the spread of the cancer that nearly killed him and told a team-mate that it was his ‘card to play’ if he ever faced any ‘doping problem.’

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Vaughters stated: ‘Early on at a Postal Service training camp I had a conversation with Lance in which he told me that the UCI should have detected a high level of HCG in his doping controls when he had cancer but had failed to do so.

‘Thus, in Lance’s eyes the UCI was somewhat at fault for the extent of his cancer…Lance said, “if I ever have a doping problem, I have this card to play.”’ [The Guardian]

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Fucking Lance does it again! Coming through where I’ve failed! Honestly this is genius and I’m ashamed I didn’t think of it first, just coming straight out and blaming bicyclists for spreading cancer.

I gotta say I’ve got mad respect for this move. Just putting it all on the table right there. Oh you don’t like me because I cheated and lied at your stupid sport that literally everyone else was cheating and lying at anyway? Well fuck you at least I’m not spreading cancer around like a bunch of supervillains. BOOM.

Listen I’ve made it very clear that Lance is a friend of the blog, but even I never fully knew why. Well now I get it. Lance is the biggest bicyclist hater among us. Think about it. Lance has singlehandedly bullied, threatened, sued, and ruined more bicyclists than probably everyone else in the world combined. And now he’s not just taking their money and their dignity, he’s straight up accusing them of spreading cancer.

Look we already know professional bicyclists are huge fucking crybabies, and we already know bicyclists have no problem trying to kill each other. Makes total sense that the pussies in charge of the Tour de France got tired of an American winning every year and tried to have him bumped off. People I’m just putting the pieces together here. Seems pretty obvious to anyone with a brain.

PS. Your doping tests not only couldn’t detect the 900 IVs worth of PEDs coursing through Lance’s system but also couldn’t detect the cancer that was literally eating him alive? Probably time to reevaluate your system bro.

PPS. That half a billion dollars in charity money he raised still counts right? It does? Okay just checking.