Three Bicyclists Somehow Manage to Get Lost in the Middle of the Fucking Forest

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NEWPORT-Three bicyclists riding trails in the Martha Sundquist State Forest late on Friday, Jan. 11, got lost for two and one-half hours before rescuers found them safe and uninjured.

Lt. C.J. Ball of the Cocke County Sheriff’s Department said the three bicyclists, whose names were not immediately available, separated themselves from one or two other bicyclists riding with them on Gulf Road, as it was getting dark in the forest.

It was around 7:15 p.m. when, while lost all alone, they decided to stay in one spot until rescuers found them.

Meanwhile, about eight or nine miles away, a bicyclist with the remaining group found a residence off Gulf Road and called Central Dispatch to ask for help in locating the three missing bicyclists. [Newport Plain Talk]

A couple of things come immediately to mind. First off, you were bicycling in an area officially classified as a “forest,” and it never occurred to you that a GPS or maybe even just a cell phone might possibly be a handy thing to have on you? I mean listen I can see one guy forgetting his cell phone, MAYBE two. But all three of you, together, deciding “you know what? Fuck cell phones today. We want to really get in touch with NATURE.” Well GUESS WHAT, assholes? You got your wish!

And honestly I know what a “forest” is. I’ve been to forests. I know forests. And my friends, you cannot just ride your bike through the middle of a forest. Trust me. There’s trees and shit. Branches. Rocks. It ain’t a smooth path. Which means they were definitely riding on a pre-existing, mapped out, public trail. If the name “Gulf Road” is actually literal, they were actually on a ROAD. And they still managed to get lost. In fact not only did they get lost, they got lost EIGHT OR NINE MILES from the group of people they were supposed to be riding with.

PS. Lost for two and a half hours in the forest? That’s fucking pathetic, man. When I was a kid I’d get lost in the woods for DAYS at a time. People are fucking soft these days.

PPS. I wonder how the rescuers found them. Oh wait no I don’t they probably just followed the road until they got to the three idiots sitting around with their thumbs up their asses. Only bicyclists could get lost in the forest without ever leaving the fucking road.

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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