Serious Question: Is Bloomberg Secretly Trying To Kill Every Bicyclist In New York City?

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Falco

bike share

[CBS New York, via our friends at Hoboken411] Across Manhattan, bike share docking stations are spreading, and so is the backlash. Even people excited about the program say they’re upset over the implementation.

Call it “installation frustration.” The bike share docking station moved into position on East 11th Street eliminates a loading zone used by the company Bella Tile.

“I don’t know how we’re going to be able to operate really now effectively. It’s sad, dramatic negative impact,” business owner Carlo Giurdanella said.

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I’ve written about DC’s bike share system before, and to tell you the truth I really hoped that other cities would learn from our mistake. Sadly it appears that isn’t the case, as New York City is all geared up and ready to go with their brand new Amateur Bicyclist Enablement Program.

It’s sad really. What kills me is how the most passionate bicyclists are always the most eco-friendly hippies of the bunch. They’ll talk to you for hours about how corporations are evil and if you don’t shop locally you’re a corporate sheep. Yet when it comes right down to it what do they do? Oh, just force local businesses to close because their loading zone is now a bike dispensary. I mean honestly, is there any line of hypocrisy that bicyclists WON’T cross? I bet you anything that these weed loving hippie douchebags are the sort of people who call the cops on other pot smokers even as they light up a joint for themselves.

PS. Part of me thinks this secretly some sort of diabolical plan that Bloomberg has concocted to cut down on the bicyclist population. I mean you’re giving inexperienced bicyclists easy access to bikes in a city populated with the most batshit insane drivers in the world? Using a bike share bike in New York City basically amounts to suicide by cab. Even I can’t endorse that. I’m all for getting bicyclists off the roads but Bloomberg seems to be attempting straight up genocide. This ain’t gonna end well, folks.

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Big Fucking Surprise: In All That Time I Was Away, Bicyclists Still Haven’t Stopped Trying To Kidnapp Little Kids

Posted on May 1, 2013 by Falco

cyclistsnatch

[The Age] Police are investigating whether the attempted abduction of a nine-year-old girl in Melbourne’s north could have been carried out by the same man who attempted to sexually assault a woman in the area last week.

Detectives from the Epping sexual offences and child abuse team have been told that the girl was putting rubbish out in her front yard in Radford Road, Reservoir, just before 6pm.

A man aged in his 60s and riding a silver bicycle approached the girl and grabbed her arm, a police spokeswoman said.

The girl shrugged off the man’s grip and ran inside the house to tell her mother.

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We all know it’s wrong to kidnap kids, right? Or anyone else for that matter. So I can just move on without wasting time touching on that basic aspect of this story, yes?

Because more than anything I really, REALLY want to know what this dude’s game plan was. Ummm news flash, bro: a bicycle is not exactly the ideal getaway vehicle for a would-be kidnapper. I mean what the fuck did you think was going to happen here? You were just gonna drag this girl by her arm all the way across town to your pedophile dungeon and nobody was going to realize anything was up?

And also…you tried to kidnap a nine-year-old girl and she “shrugged off” your grip and ran inside? Look I am obviously not endorsing kidnapping, but it seems to me that if you ARE going to try to kidnap someone, you should probably hit the gym at least to the point where a NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL can’t just wiggle her arm and go “nah.” I mean holy shit that’s weak. I thought all you bicyclists used steroids? You can bet if Lance Armstrong wanted to kidnap a kid, that shit would get DONE.

Anyway if you live in Australia and you see that blurry old fart up there, go ahead and call the cops because this fucker needs to go down.

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I Could Watch This Bicyclist Get Run Over By A Motorcycle All Day Long And Not Get Tired Of It

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Falco

Screen Shot 2013-04-30 at 2.14.28 PM[Gizmodo] First off, save me your fucking moralizing: everybody walked away from this just fine, which means it is absolutely 100% fine to laugh at this bicyclist getting flipped 7 feet in the air and landing on his fucking brainstem.

And seriously, is it even possible to not laugh at this? Just look at that picture up there. The dude is still in the cycling position even as he’s being flipped end over end over a motorcycle. That’s how disconnected from reality bicyclists are: not only do they not think the laws of the road apply to them, they apparently don’t even think the laws of physics apply to them. It never entered into this guy’s head that he could be forcefully removed from his bike. Even while it’s happening his brain won’t accept it. “It feels like I have been sent hurtling through the air, but surely that is impossible, for I am of the immortal cabal of bicyclists. JUST KEEP PEDALING, LEGS.”

I guess this just drives home the point I’ve been trying to make for ages: bicyclists have no concept of how fragile their vehicle of choice is. I mean this dude didn’t even get hit by a car. He got hit by a motorcycle, a vehicle which is only slightly larger than a bike, and STILL got obliterated. Look at this shit:

Screen Shot 2013-04-30 at 2.20.07 PMNo no, it’s cool guys. No need to stop at red lights. I mean we just watched a tiny motorcycle eat this dude’s bike alive when it hit him while going the SAME DIRECTION as him. I’m sure you’ll be fine when a mack truck t-bones you on the way to the skintight bodysuit store.

Anyway, enjoy watching this video 500 times like I did:

 

PS. That’s right: I’m back, baby. Sorry for the lack of content.

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Not to Be Outdone, Bicyclist Decides to Beat TWO Cops Half to Death

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Falco

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TWO police officers were punched in the face after stopping a man on a bicycle in White Rock, south of Cairns.

The officers were attacked around 11.30pm on Thursday night on Skull Rd, leaving one with facial fractures. It has been alleged the officers intercepted the man on his bike and began talking to him.

As they were speaking, the man is accused of punching both officers in the face. The officers then had to use the taser on the man as he continued to avoid arrest. All three were taken to Cairns Base Hospital for treatment following the incident.

A male constable suffered fractures to his nose and eye sockets, as well as other facial injuries. He will require surgery. The female constable suffered bruising to her face and a concussion. [Courier Mail]

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Gotta be tough to be this cop. I mean getting beat on by a bicyclist? That’s just embarrassing.

But on the other hand I understand. Everyone is always all up on cops’ dicks about using excessive force and police brutality. This cop was probably just trying to cover his ass and make sure nobody could accuse him of assaulting this bicyclist unprovoked. Just let it go on a little too far. Protip bro: when your eye sockets start fracturing, it’s probably time to fight back. Poor cops though man. They never get to defend themselves.

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Bicyclist All Pissed Off Because He’s Afraid His Insurance Company Will Think He Drives the Wrong Way Down One-Way Streets and Doesn’t Stop at Stop Signs Just Because He Drove the Wrong Way Down a One-Way Street and Didn’t Stop at a Stop Sign

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Falco

bikestop

APOPKA, Fla. – An Orange County man who received two citations while riding his bicycle on a narrow, dead-end street may face an even bigger legal battle.

Local 6 first reported on Sunday that Gary Elswick, 51, received two citations for failing to come to a complete and full stop and driving the wrong-way on a one way street. Each ticket is for $164.

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In Elswick’s case, Orange County Deputy Jovani Santo-Hernandez put a slash through the “vehicle description” box on both citations. Therefore, Bustos says, it would be impossible for court personnel to know that the vehicle was a bicycle and not a vehicle, and points would likely be assessed to Elswick’s license. [Click Orlando]

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So much fun when bicyclists bitch about stuff like this. What, you mean just because I ignored a “wrong way” sign and a stop sign you think it might signal that I’m not a good driver? You think the fact that I blatantly don’t follow the rules of the road is some kind of indicator that I don’t follow the rules of the road? Well look at you and your well-reasons conclusions, Mr. Logical.

Hey I’m all in favor of points going on this guy’s license, clerical error or no clerical error. I mean you don’t need a license to ride a bike (which is bullshit, by the way). So how else are people gonna know you drive like an asshole unless they tack those points onto your license?

Listen when you blow through a stop sign and get hit by a car, it’s THAT guy’s insurance that has to pay for having your handlebars wrenched out of his muffler. So I don’t want to hear shit about how your insurance premiums went up. Moral of the story is you act like an asshole you get treated like an asshole. Just the way it goes.

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Lance Armstrong Says Pro Bicycling’s Leaders Are on Cancer’s Side and Honestly Who Are You Going to Believe, a Bunch of Asshole Bicyclist Leaders or Lance Fucking Armstrong, American Hero?

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Falco

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Lance Armstrong blames cycling’s governing body for the spread of the cancer that nearly killed him and told a team-mate that it was his ‘card to play’ if he ever faced any ‘doping problem.’

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Vaughters stated: ‘Early on at a Postal Service training camp I had a conversation with Lance in which he told me that the UCI should have detected a high level of HCG in his doping controls when he had cancer but had failed to do so.

‘Thus, in Lance’s eyes the UCI was somewhat at fault for the extent of his cancer…Lance said, “if I ever have a doping problem, I have this card to play.”’ [The Guardian]

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Fucking Lance does it again! Coming through where I’ve failed! Honestly this is genius and I’m ashamed I didn’t think of it first, just coming straight out and blaming bicyclists for spreading cancer.

I gotta say I’ve got mad respect for this move. Just putting it all on the table right there. Oh you don’t like me because I cheated and lied at your stupid sport that literally everyone else was cheating and lying at anyway? Well fuck you at least I’m not spreading cancer around like a bunch of supervillains. BOOM.

Listen I’ve made it very clear that Lance is a friend of the blog, but even I never fully knew why. Well now I get it. Lance is the biggest bicyclist hater among us. Think about it. Lance has singlehandedly bullied, threatened, sued, and ruined more bicyclists than probably everyone else in the world combined. And now he’s not just taking their money and their dignity, he’s straight up accusing them of spreading cancer.

Look we already know professional bicyclists are huge fucking crybabies, and we already know bicyclists have no problem trying to kill each other. Makes total sense that the pussies in charge of the Tour de France got tired of an American winning every year and tried to have him bumped off. People I’m just putting the pieces together here. Seems pretty obvious to anyone with a brain.

PS. Your doping tests not only couldn’t detect the 900 IVs worth of PEDs coursing through Lance’s system but also couldn’t detect the cancer that was literally eating him alive? Probably time to reevaluate your system bro.

PPS. That half a billion dollars in charity money he raised still counts right? It does? Okay just checking.

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Three Bicyclists Somehow Manage to Get Lost in the Middle of the Fucking Forest

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Falco

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NEWPORT-Three bicyclists riding trails in the Martha Sundquist State Forest late on Friday, Jan. 11, got lost for two and one-half hours before rescuers found them safe and uninjured.

Lt. C.J. Ball of the Cocke County Sheriff’s Department said the three bicyclists, whose names were not immediately available, separated themselves from one or two other bicyclists riding with them on Gulf Road, as it was getting dark in the forest.

It was around 7:15 p.m. when, while lost all alone, they decided to stay in one spot until rescuers found them.

Meanwhile, about eight or nine miles away, a bicyclist with the remaining group found a residence off Gulf Road and called Central Dispatch to ask for help in locating the three missing bicyclists. [Newport Plain Talk]

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A couple of things come immediately to mind. First off, you were bicycling in an area officially classified as a “forest,” and it never occurred to you that a GPS or maybe even just a cell phone might possibly be a handy thing to have on you? I mean listen I can see one guy forgetting his cell phone, MAYBE two. But all three of you, together, deciding “you know what? Fuck cell phones today. We want to really get in touch with NATURE.” Well GUESS WHAT, assholes? You got your wish!

And honestly I know what a “forest” is. I’ve been to forests. I know forests. And my friends, you cannot just ride your bike through the middle of a forest. Trust me. There’s trees and shit. Branches. Rocks. It ain’t a smooth path. Which means they were definitely riding on a pre-existing, mapped out, public trail. If the name “Gulf Road” is actually literal, they were actually on a ROAD. And they still managed to get lost. In fact not only did they get lost, they got lost EIGHT OR NINE MILES from the group of people they were supposed to be riding with.

PS. Lost for two and a half hours in the forest? That’s fucking pathetic, man. When I was a kid I’d get lost in the woods for DAYS at a time. People are fucking soft these days.

PPS. I wonder how the rescuers found them. Oh wait no I don’t they probably just followed the road until they got to the three idiots sitting around with their thumbs up their asses. Only bicyclists could get lost in the forest without ever leaving the fucking road.

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Hero Cop Writes Bicyclist a Ticket for Being a Dick, Now People Are Angry Because He Didn’t Have a “Real Reason” or Something

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Falco

CITEBIKES

A Los Angeles cop is now under investigation after he gave a cyclist a ticket “for arguing with me.”

According to NBC News, the officer’s conduct is under investigation after a video of him ticketing a bicyclist who told him he was blocking the bike path went viral.

In the 10-minute video clip (shown below), a cyclist turns on his helmet camera and records his interaction with the police officer on the Venice Beach bike path. [The Inquisitr]

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See first off the problem here is that only a bicyclist would think that it’s completely fine to be an asshole to a cop. Do you see drivers flipping off cops on the road (NOTE: I accidentally did this once. It is not recommended)? No, because drivers know that rules are what hold our society together. Respect for authority and for each other. Not lawless chaos and crying to a news crew when a cop decides to stop taking your shit.

Second off, seriously dude? Helmet cam? You know what kind of person wears a helmet cam? The kind of person who gets into confrontational situations like this all the Goddamn time, that’s who. More importantly, the kind of person who INTENTIONALLY inserts himself into these situations. Honestly if I saw a bicyclist ride by wearing a helmet cam, I…I…I just cannot be held responsible for what I would do. Just imagining it is…is just upsetting.

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Mother Nature Continues To Do Her Part: Trees Now Eating Bicycles

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Falco

biketree

A young boy’s lost bicycle has led to a unique piece of natural roadside art on Washington state’sVashon Island, over 50 years later.

Traveling off of Vashon Highway, about 50 feet into the woods behind the local Sound Food Café, travelers will come across a peculiar site – an intact, 1950s-era bicycle embedded into a tree.

In 1954 Helen Puz had been recently widowed when she received the bike as a gift from someone in the community, according to Discover Washington State. [Yahoo]

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Isn’t that just like a bicyclist? Get a sweet new bike from some nice neighbor, ride it around a couple of times, let a tree eat it. Probably didn’t even say thank you. Just rode it around, cut off a couple cars, threw it in the woods behind the house.

I guess this pretty much just proves my point. Bicyclists just take everything for granted. They take it for granted that some angry motorist isn’t going to run them over. They take it for granted that the cops won’t stop them for running a red light. They take it for granted that their neighbors are just going to keep giving them sweet bikes.

Look I’m not saying I’ve never lost anything. I lose shit all the time. I lose my keys. I lose my wallet. But let me tell you what: I’ve never lost my wallet so badly that a fucking TREE grew up around it. Just what I’ve been trying to say. Bicyclists are stupid, ungrateful, and careless. That’s all.

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DC Now Going Out of Its Way to Encourage Inexperienced Bicyclists to Clog Up the Streets of the Fucking Capital

Posted on December 24, 2012 by Falco

dumbassbike

The District passed a new law proponents say will give cyclists a better chance of filing a lawsuit against motorists who purposely try to harm them.

“This is a little extra protection for the most egregious type of assaults and harassment that cyclists face on the streets,” said Greg Billing, outreach coordinator at the Washington Areas Bicyclist Association, the organization that pushed for the law.

“Often attorneys won’t take these cases because the damages are so low that there are no incentives for them to represent cyclists,” Billing said.

[…]

“That’s definitely why I’m afraid to ride a bike around here,” said Wentz, who said with the new law she may consider riding her bike more often. [WJLA]

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Nooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RIGHT IN MY OWN GODDAMN BACKYARD!

Now let me start by saying once again that I of course do not support violence against bicyclists, no matter how much they may deserve it for being vile, inconsiderate human beings. But that said there’s absolutely no reason to go around passing laws that are just going to encourage even more (and less experienced) amateur biketards to go bombing around our nation’s capital with no regard for traffic laws.

Listen, DC may be a shithole, but it’s OUR shithole. AMERICA’S shithole. And when foreign dignitaries are being shuttled around our city, the LAST thing they need is to be delayed because their driver hit a bicyclist who couldn’t be assed to stop at a red light. Or even worse, they might get stuck behind a bicyclist going WAY too slow. The possibilities get worse and worse.

Anyway, this Wentz woman’s comments just 100% sum up what is wrong with the bicyclist mentality. This law doesn’t make it safer for bicyclists. It doesn’t widen bike lanes. It doesn’t establish a larger safe-following distance or make it harder for cars to pass bicyclists. Nope. All it does it make it easier for bicyclists to sue after the fact, so they can get what they’re really after: attention and money. Typical bicyclist.

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