Big Fucking Surprise: In All That Time I Was Away, Bicyclists Still Haven’t Stopped Trying To Kidnapp Little Kids

cyclistsnatch

[The Age] Police are investigating whether the attempted abduction of a nine-year-old girl in Melbourne’s north could have been carried out by the same man who attempted to sexually assault a woman in the area last week.

Detectives from the Epping sexual offences and child abuse team have been told that the girl was putting rubbish out in her front yard in Radford Road, Reservoir, just before 6pm.

A man aged in his 60s and riding a silver bicycle approached the girl and grabbed her arm, a police spokeswoman said.

The girl shrugged off the man’s grip and ran inside the house to tell her mother.

We all know it’s wrong to kidnap kids, right? Or anyone else for that matter. So I can just move on without wasting time touching on that basic aspect of this story, yes?

Because more than anything I really, REALLY want to know what this dude’s game plan was. Ummm news flash, bro: a bicycle is not exactly the ideal getaway vehicle for a would-be kidnapper. I mean what the fuck did you think was going to happen here? You were just gonna drag this girl by her arm all the way across town to your pedophile dungeon and nobody was going to realize anything was up?

And also…you tried to kidnap a nine-year-old girl and she “shrugged off” your grip and ran inside? Look I am obviously not endorsing kidnapping, but it seems to me that if you ARE going to try to kidnap someone, you should probably hit the gym at least to the point where a NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL can’t just wiggle her arm and go “nah.” I mean holy shit that’s weak. I thought all you bicyclists used steroids? You can bet if Lance Armstrong wanted to kidnap a kid, that shit would get DONE.

Anyway if you live in Australia and you see that blurry old fart up there, go ahead and call the cops because this fucker needs to go down.

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
This entry was posted in Criminals and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Big Fucking Surprise: In All That Time I Was Away, Bicyclists Still Haven’t Stopped Trying To Kidnapp Little Kids

  1. Hoboken411 says:

    Can’t find a way to email you – but you might like this story about “bike sharing” in NYC…

    http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/05/01/installation-of-bike-share-docking-stations-testing-new-yorkers-patience/

    • Falco says:

      Thanks, you raise a good point. I should probably set up an email address, even if only for amusing hate mail purposes.

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