If You Rode One Of These Bikes At Burning Man, Just Know That I Hate You More Than Any Other Human Being On The Planet

Posted on September 6, 2013 by Falco

Screen Shot 2013-09-06 at 1.28.41 PM

[Dodge and Burn] Burning Man: Bikes. Burning Man is overwhelming and impossible to describe in one post.

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So today one of Gawker’s blogs published a massive photoblog of bikes seen at Burning Man this year and, just, holy shit. I mean obviously the people attending Burning Man are some of the most godawful, unforgivably useless dregs of society. So it comes as no surprise that a shitload of them would be bicyclists. In fact if I had to guess I’d put the number somewhere around 700% of people at Burning Man being bicyclists.

But even I am blown away at the pure douchebaggery on display here. These aren’t just your typical spandex wearing, traffic blocking helmetcammers. These are people who would have been left out on a hot rock to die if they had been born in the Middle Ages.

I’m not going to post all of the pictures here because I don’t feel like getting sued, but click that link up there and just scroll through article. I know we supposedly live in a tolerant and accepting time, but there’s no way any of these peoples’ parents can possibly see these pictures and NOT wish they had fed their kid to a pack of wolves, right? If I ever have a kid and I see him pop up in a picture at Burning Man riding a bike with poof balls dangling off it for 20 feet in either direction, keep your eyes peeled in the newspapers for a murder/suicide.

(again, photo credit)

 

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Somebody Designed A Bike For Blind People Because You Know What At This Point What The Fuck Ever

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Falco

blindfoldbike

[BBC News] A bicycle that uses ultrasonic sensors to detect obstacles in a cyclist’s path is among the innovations on display at a conference in Glasgow.

The two-day Technology for Life event is exploring how new technology can transform the lives of blind and partially sighted people.

Delegates have been given a chance to try the UltraBike, which allows people with sight loss to cycle independently.

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Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me at this point? I mean bicyclists are just straight up fucking with us now, right? I don’t even know what to say. I guess bicyclists are at war with blind people now or something? First they declare war on old people and start attacking them left and right. Now they’re pretty much handing blind people the means to kill themselves. Why not just put them all in a pool and toss in a toaster and be done with it?

If you ride one of these things and get run over by a car I have zero fucking sympathy for you. You wouldn’t drive a car if you were blind would you? And somehow riding a bike is BETTER? At least if you crash your car you’ve got airbags and two tons of steel protecting you. I can’t wait for first cocky blindo to ride one of these things straight into traffic and get obliterated. Oh you didn’t see that car coming? Oh you’ve NEVER seen a car coming? Huh, I guess it turns out you CAN’T navigate a busy street by sonar alone. WHO FUCKING KNEW.

PS. I have nothing against blind people. This is just the way things are. White guys shouldn’t play basketball. Fat chicks shouldn’t wear tank tops. Blindos shouldn’t ride bikes. Know your limitations.

(image source)

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Surprise: The Same Bicyclists Who Claim Cars Are Evil Apparently Have No Moral Qualms About Stealing Everything In Them

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Falco

carbreakin

[This Week News] A man riding a bicycle at 5 a.m. was arrested and is thought to be responsible for car break-ins in Worthington.

Police stopped the man, who was riding without a light in the 5700 block of North High Street on Aug. 27, fled during a warrant check but was found in a nearby wooded area. He was arrested on three outstanding warrants for burglaries in Franklin County and was taken to the Franklin County Jail.

Police believe he was responsible for theft from a vehicle in the 300 block of Tucker Drive earlier that night. A purse and its contents were reported stolen.

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“Cars are evil, we don’t need cars. What’s that? Why am I getting into this car? No no no, haha, wow, you totally got the wrong idea. I’m not DRIVING this car, I’m just stealing everything in it. See, it’s cool. No worries bro.”

(image source)

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Yup, Bicyclists Are Still Beating The Shit Out Of Senior Citizens (And Each Other) For Absolutely No Reason At All

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Falco

bike fight

[STV News] The 70-year-old victim had been cycling in the Nethergate area of Dundee at around 12.45pm on Monday when the incident occurred.

Police Scotland said the attacker confronted the older man after he “seemed to take umbrage at him” near to Nandos restaurant.

The victim was then followed down Union Street, onto Greenmarket and along Seabraes to the cycle path behind the Sensation Science Centre.

He stopped and was then approached by the attacker, who is believed to be about 50, who then swore at him, attacked him and knocked him off his bike.

The victim cycled home before he was taken to Ninewells Hospital where it was confirmed he had suffered a double fracture of his cheekbone.

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Honestly there is nothing even remotely surprising about this story. We already know that bicyclists have absolutely no problem viciously attacking senior citizens. I mean what the fuck is going on with these people this week? Just the other day they toss a 70-year-old into traffic, and now they’re out there shattering another old man’s cheekbone. Is there some sort of covert bicyclist war on geriatrics going on right now? Should the AARP be gearing up for battle? Because just the thought of an army of old folks marching down the street forming firing lines and mowing down wave after wave of lycra-clad attackers is enough to make me more than a little randy.

And the other important point here is that this wasn’t just any old man this bicyclist attacked: he was a fellow bicyclist. Because of course he was. Over the last couple of years I’ve shown you story after story about these pedalhead savages beating the shit out of each other. And usually I’m sitting right here laughing my ass off about it. But a senior citizen dude? You’re really gonna chase down and basically try to murder a senior citizen? You gotta be fuckin kidding me. But then again like I said I’m not surprised. We’re talking about a group of people with no moral compass, no conscience, and no remorse. If anything I guess I’m just shocked he didn’t pedal back and try to finish the job.

PS. “The attacker is described as being around 5ft 9in.” Really? This midget is the culprit? I don’t care if you’re 70 years old, you gotta be able to beat up a dwarf. Come on man. Not a good look.

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Dumb Piece Of Shit Bicyclist Gets Caught Stealing A Bike Police Were Using In A Sting Operation…Oh Yeah And He Was Already Riding A Bike

Posted on August 29, 2013 by Falco

bikethief

[NJ.com] A Jersey City man was busted early last Thursday after he swiped a bike that cops had placed on Grove Street as part of a sting operation, officials said.

Reacting to a rash of bike thefts near the Grove Street PATH Station, cops watched as Nicholas Flores, 19, rode up to the planted bike on another bike shortly after midnight, officials said.

Flores looked around, then grabbed the bike and pulled it along with him as he rode away, police said.

Police nabbed him at Grove Street and Columbus Drive and charged him with theft, officials said. He was released on a summons.

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I guess my first question is, how many bikes are being stolen in Jersey City that the cops are setting up sting operations? I mean I feel like bike theft is pretty far down on the list of priorities for most cops, so I have to assume that this dude has a stockpile of like 8,000 stolen bikes sitting in his basement to inspire a whole fucking police stakeout.

My second question is, how fucking stupid are you? I mean listen, I’m no bike thief but I figure if I wanted to steal a bike I’d probably do it at a time when I could just ride it away instead of dragging it next to me like the world’s saddest sidecar. Is there anyone on earth who is going to look at that and think “oh yeah, he probably just decided to leave his house with two bikes today. That’s probably what happened.” I can’t even imagine a circumstance in which it would be MORE obvious that you just stole a bike. How much of a bicycle hoarder do you have to be to think that riding off with the bike you just stole in tow is a good idea? But that’s just how these bicyclists roll, man. Stupid to the fucking core.

(image source)

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Bad News Guys: Apparently Getting Drunk And Pretending To Be A Cop So You Can Arrest Bicyclists Is Now Illegal For Some Reason

Posted on August 28, 2013 by Falco

sidewalk

[Channel 3000] MADISON, Wis. – A 25-year-old Madison man was arrested after demanding that a man on a bicycle pay him a fine for riding a bike on a sidewalk, according to police.

Police said Michael P. Moran, 25, was intoxicated when he stopped the bicyclist in the 300 block of West Wilson Street Thursday night. Moran said he was acting as a law enforcement officer and demanded the bicyclist pay a $200 fine for biking on the sidewalk, according to police.

The victim said he knew it was legal to ride his bike on residential sidewalks and he called police.

Police said Moran was found asleep in some bushes near the crime scene.

Moran was arrested on suspicion of impersonating a peace officer and for possession of a switchblade knife.

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I can’t knock this drunk guy’s hustle. I just can’t. Yeah it’s illegal to impersonate a police officer. Yeah you shouldn’t be getting so drunk you pass out in a bush. I know that. But you know what else you shouldn’t be doing? Riding your bike on the fucking sidewalk. I don’t care if it’s legal. Nope. Don’t care one bit. This is one of those moments where you have to Batman that shit and take the law into your own hands.

If murder was legal you’d still try and stop someone from killing you, right? Same exact thing here. Same exact thing. If riding your bike on the sidewalk is legal, that just means that the lawmakers aren’t doing their jobs. It means the police aren’t doing their jobs. And when that happens, our entire society starts to break down.

Well Michael Moran isn’t going to stand for that. You think Michael Moran wants our entire civilization to crumble into a dystopian wasteland where murderers roam the streets and bicyclists are allowed to bike on the sidewalk? Fuck no. Michael Moran is a patriot. Michael Moran is a humanitarian. Michael Moran is the hero Wisconsin needs right now.

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Anytime A Bicyclist Blows Through A Stop Sign You Can Just Go Ahead And Blame Idaho, Apparently

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Falco

fuck idaho

[Bike League] Idaho passed its law allowing bicyclists to treat stop signs as yield signs and red lights as stop signs in 1982. Since that time many bicycling advocates have attempted to spread this law to other states, and have been met with strong resistance. These efforts continue, as recently as this summer, and the strides that cyclists have made since the early 80s have not lessened the calls for this reform. 

More than 30 years after Idaho passed its law, the evidence suggests that it is a safe and effective reform. In 2008, Jason Meggs contacted Idaho’s Office of Highway and Traffic Safety and analyzed statewide yearly summaries of traffic injuries and fatalities, including summaries by county and mode. His analysis found no evidence of a long-term increase in injury or fatality rates as a result of the adoption of the “Idaho stop” law. In 1983, the year after the law was adopted, bicycle injury rates declined by 14.5 percent and there was no change in the number of bicycle fatalities.

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Really, Idaho? Fucking really?

Okay, so it’s ridiculous to blame Idaho for bicyclists being lawless douchebags. Obviously bicyclists are all ALREADY lawless douchebags, but that doesn’t mean Idaho should get a free pass for enabling them.

But what I really love here is how the “Bike League” just CANNOT IMAGINE how every other state hasn’t adopted this law. Yeah guys. It’s a huge fuckin mystery why that law didn’t change anything in Idaho. I mean we’re only talking about a state where there are, what, seven cars total? But you’re right. We should totally apply this law nationally. Those numbers will TOTALLY hold up in New York City!

Actually why am I even fighting this? Fuck it! Go for it! Make it so stop signs don’t apply to bicyclists anywhere. I just don’t understand why I take so much flack for being anti-bike when it seems to me it’s the bicyclists themselves who are doing literally everything they can to cause more bicyclist deaths each and every day. If this “Idaho Stop” law hits any major city and bike accidents don’t increase by at least 200%, I’ll print a booklet of every post I’ve ever written and fucking EAT IT.

(image source)

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This Should Probably Come As No Surprise, But Bicyclists Apparently Don’t Even Care About Their Own Kids

Posted on August 26, 2013 by Falco

drunkbike2

[KFSM] A West Fork man is facing multiple charges, including two felonies, after police said he crashed his bicycle while pulling his 4-year-old son in a buggy Saturday night.

Mark Fochtman, 29, was booked in the Washington County Detention Center on Sunday morning and is being held on $5,000 bond, according to the Sheriff’s Office website. Fochtman faces felony charges of endangering the welfare of a minor and fleeing in addition to several misdemeanor charges.

Fayetteville police officers responded to a call from Washington County Medical Center about a man who had put his child in danger by riding bicycle while intoxicated, a preliminary police report said. Officers found Fochtman in the emergency room and said he “appeared heavily intoxicated” with bloodshot eyes, poor balance and a strong smell of alcohol, the report said.

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Serious question: isn’t protecting your kids a biological imperative for human beings? I’m pretty sure human beings are supposed to be wired to care for their kids and keep them out of danger at all costs. Which pretty much proves my point here: bicyclists are subhuman scum.

I mean it’s one thing to disregard your own safety by riding in the middle of the road, cutting off cars, riding while shitfaced, and cruising through stoplights. I get it. You have a death wish. If I was a bicyclist I’d probably hate my life too. But disregarding your kid’s safety because you just had to have that seventeenth beer? That’s straight subhuman behavior, jack. Shit son, even CATS defend their young, and cats are the worst fucking animals on the planet earth. Or at least I would have said that a minute ago. Now I’m pretty convinced that bicyclists fall closer to ‘animal’ than ‘human’ on the civilization spectrum. Fucking savages.

PS. “Other officers used Fochtman’s cell phone to locate a family member who could get the 4 year old, but the report said officers were unable to find someone sober enough to report to the hospital.” Kid doesn’t have a CHANCE.

(image source)

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Nothing To See Here, Just A Typical Bicyclist Pushing A 70-Year-Old Man Into Traffic

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Falco

assbike

[Bellingham Herald] BELLINGHAM – A bicyclist shoved a 70-year-old Bellingham man into traffic Friday morning, Aug. 23, where he hit his head and nearly got run over by an SUV on Northwest Avenue.

Steve Hicks, the driver of the oncoming SUV, said the bicyclist approached the man from behind at 11:20 a.m., near the intersection with Illinois Street. Then he shoved him into the street. The man’s head hit the asphalt.

“I would have run him over if I’d been a second faster,” Hicks said. “I was thinking I should chase down the bike, but I was calling 911 for medics.”

The victim may have briefly blacked out, but he responded to firefighters’ questions as they loaded him into an ambulance bound for St. Joseph hospital. He didn’t appear to have any fractures, said Bellingham Police Sgt. Ken Brown.

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I wish I could say I was surprised, folks. I really do. But the fact of the matter is that this behavior is really nothing out of the ordinary for the lawless, savage bikefucks infesting this planet. 

Apparently what provoked the attack was this nice old man politely telling a bicyclist that he should probably ride in the bike lane instead of on the sidewalk, which pretty much sums up bicyclists as a whole right there. They beg and beg for bike lanes in every city in the fucking country, and what happens when they get them? They’d rather ride on the sidewalk and slam old men into the asphalt than actually use them. I mean is this not the most typical bicyclist move of all time? No need to use the giant lane specifically designed for you, no no no. That’s WAY less fun than tossing old men into traffic like a farmer unloading a sack of potatoes.

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Turns Out The NYC Cabbie Who Ran Over That Poor British Tourist Was Trying To Get Away From A Bicyclist Who Was Screaming And Punching His Cab

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Falco

israelicyclistf5

[Edmonton Journal] The cab driver who plowed into Green said that driving a New York City taxi is too stressful and told a newspaper that “I need more suitable job.”

Mohammed Faysal Himon told the New York Post the accident happened after he accelerated to get around a bicyclist who he says pounded on his car and yelled at him.

Himon said he didn’t remember much after accelerating until he saw Green’s leg by his cab.

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This is just a sad story (if you haven’t seen the story, fill yourself in here), so I almost don’t want to harp on it. Almost. But isn’t it just about the least surprising thing of all time that this accident was basically caused by an asshole bicyclist who couldn’t just chill out for two seconds?

I’m not defending the cabbie here. He should definitely have his license taken away and never drive a cab again. But put yourself in his shoes for two seconds. You drive a cab in one of the most crowded cities in the world. You’ve got asshole passengers screaming at you all day. You’ve got asshole drivers cutting you off all day. Your nerves are frayed. You’re at your wits’ end. And now some crazy motherfucker in a spandex bodysuit is pounding on your car and screaming in your face. Isn’t it a LITTLE BIT understandable that he panicked?

Listen I’m not excusing the cabbie, I’m just saying that the bicyclist is pretty much equally responsible. Pounding on a cab window in New York City is basically the equivalent of shouting FIRE in a crowded theater. Nothing good is ever going to come of it. But try telling that to bicyclists. As usual, all they care about is themselves. Notice the story doesn’t say anything else about the bicyclist after the accident. 100% chance he just rode off. No need to help that poor woman, that’s someone else’s responsibility. Just like everything else in this world, right bicyclists?

(image source)

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