English Study Concludes That “Over Half” Of Bicyclists Run Red Lights (In Other News, The Sky Is Still Blue)

bikeredlight

[London Evening Standard] Cyclists were filmed jumping red lights by hidden cameras set up by London black cab drivers. Their footage shows 194 out of 364 riders went through stop signals during the rush hour — just over half.

The Licensed Taxi Drivers Association said it set up hidden cameras after a series of “near misses and confrontations” between its members and cyclists. The association said cabbies put two cameras at what they said were “average” crossroads in the capital.

The LTDA, which has 10,000 members, said each camera filmed between 7.30am and 8.30am at the end of September. In Hackney, 108 out of 170 cyclists jumped the lights, while in Camden, 86 out of 194 bikes rode through at red. LTDA general secretary Steve McNamara said two hour-long versions of the footage were available “ 100 per cent unedited” on YouTube.

He said: “We are constantly hearing  from the cycling lobbying groups that cyclists who ride on the pavement, weave in and out of traffic and fail to stop at red lights are a small minority or a small rogue element. This was in stark contrast to what we and most Londoners witness every day.” Mr McNamara, who cycles in the rush hour daily, added: “What we found shocked even us. We’re not anti-cycling, we’re against the unlawful cycling brigade.”

Noooo! Say it ain’t so! Bicyclists running red lights and putting the public in danger? Surely not! Good, upstanding citizens like these would never do such a thing!

In all seriousness the only shocker here is that MORE of them didn’t run red lights. I mean only 53% of them did it? That’s flat out crazy. I mean I assume they must have known they were being videotaped somehow. That’s the only possible explanation. Well, that and the fact that this study was conducted in England. The English are so goddamn polite. I guaran-fucking-tee you that if this had been done in New York City instead of London, it would have 364 out of 364 drivers running red lights, with at least 15 deaths caught on camera.

PS. That “we’re not anti-cycling, we’re against the unlawful cycling brigade” quote is straight fire. Gonna have to steal that one. Fuck you, unlawful cycling brigade!

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This Asshole Wants To Spread Bicycling In The UAE, Which, Good Luck With That

Dubai

[Sport 360] After scaling the heights of his profession, Spanish cyclist Samuel Sanchez is planning on devoting his energies to the growth of his sport in the Middle East.

Sanchez, the gold medallist in the 2008 Olympics men’s road race, has spent his summer in Dubai offering his expertise to the local cycling federation and speaking to regional clubs.

The Spaniard has big plans and a clear idea of how he thinks Middle Eastern cycling can move on a par with Europe, North America and Australia. He believes the Middle East and the UAE have clear advantages that just need to be capitalised upon.

Let me say this in no uncertain terms: if the UAE even lets this guy inside their borders, they’re the dumbest country on the face of the fucking earth. Dubai spent about a quadrillion dollars building the largest skyscrapers in the world, artificial islands, and every other futuristic bit of architecture and infrastructure you can imagine. Frankly I put the UAE about two years away from flying cars. They’re clearly heading that way. If Elon Musk was smart he’d have proposed his hyperloop to the oil barons of Dubai. They straight up cannot stop themselves from throwing money at every futuristic project that comes their way.

So does this jerkoff really think that the UAE is gonna look at the prospect of hoverboards and self-driving cars, then turn around and go “nah, you know what we’d rather have? BICYCLES.” No chance in fucking hell. I guarantee you, 100% GUARANTEE you that there will be a hoverboard lane in Dubai before a bike lane ever sees the light of day.

It’s like this guy has no idea that his battle has already been lost. In fact on second thought I take back what I said before. The UAE SHOULD let this guy in. Then they should follow him around with a documentary crew. It’ll be like watching a caveman wander through the modern world. He’ll be dead in two days.

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Apparently “Water Cycling” Is A Thing And You Know What, Forget It, I Don’t Want To Live On This Planet Anymore

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[3 News] A Wellington water cyclist is determined to cross Cook Strait, even though his last attempt ended in a rescue.

Last time, Rick Matenga was abandoned by his support crew and left alone as night fell, pedalling against the current and in deep trouble.

The 44-year-old attempted to cross the strait on Wednesday but was left on his own for hours to battle against the currents after his support crew abandoned him.

First off, how much of an asshole do you have to be for your support crew to just up and leave you? I mean no joke, this guy should probably be dead right now. Flailing around in freezing cold water in the middle of the night ain’t the best place to be. But his support crew was in a BOAT. How do you head for shore in your nice safe boat and leave your buddy out in the middle of the strait desperately pedaling against the waves on his unfathomably retarded waterbike contraption? Seriously, how much did they hate this guy? They flat out left him to die.

But let’s put all that aside for a second and focus on something that until five minutes ago I didn’t even know existed: “water cycling.”

I had to read two or three articles about this guy to figure out exactly what the fuck water cycling even IS (and that’s ten minutes of my life that I’m never getting back). Apparently it’s a bike attached to some sort floatation device. You can see a picture of it above. I have no goddamn idea how it propels itself, but I can only assume that there’s some sort of paddle device underneath attached to the bike wheels.

Which is just perfect. As I said, I had no idea this even existed, but now that I do I can’t say I’m even the slightest bit surprised. Bicyclists will never be content. They aren’t content with obstructing pedestrians on the sidewalks. They aren’t content with obstructing cars in the streets. Hell, they aren’t even content to ride in their own bike lanes most of the time. So does it really shock anyone that now they’ve moved on to blocking shipping lanes? Trust me, it’s only a matter of time before you take your boat out on the river only to be accosted by a speedo wearing (I think we can all safely assume that when engaging in watersports, bicyclists ditch the spandex bodysuit in favor a spandex crotchgrabber, right?) psychopath on the back of a tenspeed screaming red-faced at you to SHARE THE CURRENT, BRO.

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Psychotic Bicyclist Jumps Up And Down On Top Of A Car And Spits Through The Sunroof Like A Goddamn Animal

Cash for Clunkers

[Santa Monica Mirror] A 21-year-old Venice bicyclist was arrested on Wednesday, Nov. 6 after climbing on top of a car that had just hit him, spitting through the sunroof at the driver, and then jumping up and down on top of the car roof while yelling about the lack of use of the turn signals on the vehicle.

Officers of the Santa Monica Police Department were requested to rush to the intersection of Ocean Avenue and Pacific Avenue at 7:42 pm on this day, which was the scene of the motor vehicle accident involving a car and the bicycle.

When they arrived the officers spoke with the driver of the vehicle who said that the bicyclist had become enraged after the minor collision incident, and had pulled himself up onto the side of his vehicle and spat at the driver through the open sun-roof.

The bicyclist had then climbed onto the roof of the vehicle and started to jump up and down like a chimpanzee. This caused much fear and panic in the mind of the driver.

On the one hand, I’d be pretty pissed if I got hit by a car. There’s no arguing THAT. So do I blame this bicyclist for losing his cool? Not one bit. But do I blame him for climbing on top of the car and jumping around like a motherfucking monkey on speed? You bet I do.

Because nothing gets people to abandon your cause faster than acting like a complete psychopath. It doesn’t even matter how right you are. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, and you win more sympathy by saying “ow” and calling the police than you do by jumping around like a goddamn animal. That’s just science.

Now at the same time is the driver in the right here? Sure doesn’t sound like it. When a driver doesn’t use their turn signal, I lose my mind whether I’m driving a car, walking on foot, or whatever else. Drives me absolutely fucking crazy. But that said, not once have I ever taken the steps to get out of my car, climb on top of their car, stomp around like a four-year-old throwing a tantrum, and spit on them from above. Who the fuck spits on people anymore, anyway? I didn’t even know that was still a thing.

PS. Yet another fine example of bicyclists having no understanding of physics and no concept of or regard for their own physical safety. Climbing on top of someone else’s car and assaulting them? This guy apparently has no idea that all the driver has to do is step on the gas pedal and he’ll be sent caroming backwards into the street at high speed. So kudos to the driver for keeping his cool. As always, the driver steps up to be the bigger man in a tough situation.

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Bicyclist Pulls The Old “Nah, I Can Totally Beat The Train” Routine (SPOILER ALERT: He Does Not Beat The Train)

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[EDHAT] A bicyclist, who ignored warnings of an approaching Amtrak train, tried to cross the tracks in front of the train as it arrived at the Santa Barbara Station. He was dragged along the platform, with his bicycle, 60 feet and then ended up beneath the train. The bike was dragged a hundred feet past the point where he lay. He was transported to Cottage Hospital in moderate condition.

Santa Barbara City Fire crews and AMR medics treated the 45 year old male for injuries to his legs and took cervical precautions as they prepared him for transport to Cottage Hospital.

The incident occurred at 0930 this morning as a Southbound Amtrak passenger train approached the Santa Barbara train station on lower State Street. The man was extricated and transported by 0950.

The Santa Barbara City Fire Department urges all citizens to exercise extreme caution at all train crossings and to heed all warnings associated with train traffic.

Before you start giving me shit, read the article. The dude is gonna be fine. Which means it’s totally fair game to give him shit for being one of the dumbest human beings on the face of the earth.

I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that I’ve never thought about ignoring the warning signs and scooting across the tracks ahead of an oncoming train. But that’s where the similarities end. Because while I don’t LIKE sitting in my car for 20 minutes while a cargo train full of bullshit and shattered dreams rumbles past at three miles an hour, I ALSO don’t like the idea of my car stalling on the tracks and getting me run over by a hundred thousand tons of steel. Just a little personal preference I have about not dying. I’ve seen the movies. I know what happens.

But not bicyclists. We’ve long since established that 99% of the rules that bicyclists so cavalierly disregard are put in place for their own safety. Believe it or not, the law against running red lights isn’t there to annoy you. It’s actually there to make sure you don’t get obliterated by a car going the other direction. Same deal with the whole train thing. The barrier isn’t there to ruin your day dude. It’s to stop you from being run over by a train, dragged 60 feet, and pinned under the engine until they can “extricate” you.

Honestly, what I can’t figure out is how this guy got run over in the first place. Like how do you misjudge the timing that badly? A train would have to be PRETTY FUCKING FAR AWAY for me to risk darting out in front of it. And you’re riding a bike. It’s not like the bike can stall on the train tracks. So what happened? What’s the deal? No depth perception? No understanding of collision physics? No concept of your own mortality? This could provide fascinating insight into the twisted mind of the bicyclist, and I for one am dying to know.

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New York Times Asks “Is It O.K. to Kill Cyclists?” Because There’s Nothing Bicyclists Love More Than Making Strawman Arguments And Portraying Themselves As Martyrs

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[New York Times] SAN FRANCISCO — EVERYBODY who knows me knows that I love cycling and that I’m also completely freaked out by it. I got into the sport for middle-aged reasons: fat; creaky knees; the delusional vanity of tight shorts. Registering for a triathlon, I took my first ride in decades. Wind in my hair, smile on my face, I decided instantly that I would bike everywhere like all those beautiful hipster kids on fixies. Within minutes, however, I watched an S.U.V. hit another cyclist, and then I got my own front wheel stuck in a streetcar track, sending me to the pavement.

I made it home alive and bought a stationary bike trainer and workout DVDs with the ex-pro Robbie Ventura guiding virtual rides on Wisconsin farm roads, so that I could sweat safely in my California basement. Then I called my buddy Russ, one of 13,500 daily bike commuters in Washington, D.C. Russ swore cycling was harmless but confessed to awakening recently in a Level 4 trauma center, having been hit by a car he could not remember. Still, Russ insisted I could avoid harm by assuming that every driver was “a mouth-breathing drug addict with a murderous hatred for cyclists.”

I’m not going to republish the entire article here, but rest assured this editorial goes on for paragraph after torturous paragraph lamenting the awful plight of the urban bicyclist and offering up strawman argument after strawman argument for the author to heroically shoot down.

This is just the latest shot across the bow in the never ending public relations battle that bicyclists seem to be waging to make themselves out to be martyrs. I mean holy shit, I run a blog that is ENTIRELY dedicated to hating on bicyclists and spewing invectives at them, and even I would never title a blog “Is It O.K. to Kill Bicyclists?” Because that’s stupid. It’s so goddamn stupid that it’s insulting to even see it in print.

The point that the author wants to make is that drivers are not adequately punished for injuring and killing bicyclists. Which may be true. I frankly don’t know enough to weigh in on that. So if you want to make that point you’re more than welcome to try and back it up. The trouble arises when you talk about the struggle of bicyclists in CITIES and back up your claims with sentences like “studies performed in Arizona, Minnesota and Hawaii suggest that drivers are at fault in more than half of cycling fatalities.” What is “more than half?” 51%? Given that bicyclists are unwilling to EVER admit to being at fault for these accidents, the fact that they are in reality responsible for almost HALF of them is something that I would have been screaming from the rooftops if I had been aware of it. But my favorite part is how these unnamed “studies” that are supposed to convince me that city bicyclists are facing driver-sponsored genocide were conducted in three of the most rural states in the entire country. It’s like me announcing that too many people in New York City are being eaten by bears, and citing a study done in Montana as proof. It might be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen.

But it’s also typical. Straight out of the bicyclist playbook. Start with an inflammatory title, set up a strawman argument, then assume that you’ve already won everybody over to your side and there’s no need to back it up with actual evidence. The money line comes here:

“We do not know of a single case of a cyclist fatality in which the driver was prosecuted, except for D.U.I. or hit-and-run,” Leah Shahum, the executive director of the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition, told me.

If that sounds ridiculous, it’s because it’s not true. It’s blatantly not true. I know this because five seconds of Googling immediately turns up a handful of cases matching that description, such as this one or this one. Of course, Ms. Shahum has intentionally narrowed the criteria to make it difficult to find more such cases. Because despite what bicyclists would have you believe, well under 1,000 bicyclists are killed by motorists each year, and most of those accidents are just that–accidents. Why aren’t more “non-DUI, non-hit-and-run” bicyclist fatalities prosecuted each year? Probably because the number of sober and conscientious drivers intentionally murdering bicyclists is fucking miniscule, and, the article’s psychotic assertion notwithstanding, the vast majority of drivers are not “mouth-breathing drug addict[s] with a murderous hatred for cyclists.”

And if I really wanted to engage in the strawman argument game here, I could direct you to articles like this one and point out that if bicyclists really want to complain that drivers don’t face enough jail time for killing bicyclists, they should probably be ready to face the same argument when it comes to bicyclists killing pedestrians. To paraphrase Clarice Starling, you see a lot, bicyclists. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don’t you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you’re afraid to.

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This ‘Cyclr’ Blog Is NOT Happy With Me

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[Cyclr] We everyday cyclists may think that we are giving the world a hand by reducing congestion, carbon emissions and the strain on the NHS by keeping ourselves healthy, all while doing the thing we love most. But, as we all know, some quarters of the world around us don’t see it this way.

The briefest of Twitter sessions reveals the extent of the hate. One day alone (24th October 2013) sees users proclaiming that us cyclists are “ludicrously self-centred and aggressive” and, rather threateningly, that “cyclists will get what they deserve”. Meanwhile Dane Bowers himself (of Another Level and Celebrity Big Brother, er, fame) claims that

“A lot if (sic) cyclists are dangerous…And selfish. It’s YOU guys that actually think you own the road’.

Why all the hate? Well Bowers’ complaint comes after an encounter with cyclists riding two abreast. Fair enough, that is annoying, but there’s no need for the grand generalisation when we all know that most cyclists are safety conscious and happy to share the roads.

But the hate in places is so vehement that it extends beyond a momentary Twitter rant, and has lead to entire blogs being dedicated to cycle-hate. One such site is I HATE CYCLISTS, where the hatred runs so deep that only capitals suffice to proclaim it apparently, and which contains the tagline “cyclists are the worst people in the world”.  Among other things, the site seems to allege that cyclists are all meth users, for, as we all know, hard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.

Hey Cyclr get off me!

You know how I know you’re a second rate blog? You can’t even get my site name right. It’s “I Hate Bicyclists,” not “Cyclists.” It would literally have taken you five seconds to double check that, but I guess fact checking an article is like stopping at a red light, right? Bicyclists don’t have time to bother with that sort of thing. Following rules and doing the right thing is for little people.

And since Cyclr has brought the distinction to light again, I’ll take the opportunity to reeducate you dogfuckers on the difference between a cyclist and a bicyclist. “Cyclist” is a profession. “Bicyclist” is not. Lance Armstrong is a cyclist. The guy who bikes around the block on Saturdays is a bicyclist. And no matter how much spandex he dresses up in, no matter how many aerodynamically streamlined helmets he buys, he will never be a cyclist.

This isn’t hard. It’s the same reason I don’t refer to myself as a “basketball player” just because I like to shoot the ball around at the rec center every once in a while. I’m not LeBron James Kevin Love, and Teddy Tenspeed over there isn’t Lance Armstrong. Sure, Lance is flawed. Aren’t we all? But I know this: Lance Armstrong never ran a red light during the Tour de France. He never ran over a pedestrian and yelled “share the road.” Transgressions like that are the purview of the bicyclist.

PS. “Among other things, the site seems to allege that cyclists are all meth users, for, as we all know, hard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.” This is actually a great point. I mean name me one athlete who has ever used drugs. You can’t. Sure, guys like Josh Hamilton have been accused of using. But their jobs demand physical fitness so it’s obviously impossible. Bang the gavel. Case dismissed. That’s just science.

PPS. “[H]ard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.” — a bicyclist. Just gonna keep that one in my back pocket.

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Dumbass Bicyclist Apparently Has No Idea How To Hide Drugs Or Use A Condom

drugcondom

[The Observer] A 35-year-old Sarnia woman police allege was carrying nine grams of marijuana wrapped in condoms, as well as five hydromorphone (a narcotic pain reliever) pills in her purse, was arrested Wednesday evening after she was stopped on her bike.

Sarnia Police said an officer stopped the woman in the area of Victoria and Davis streets just after 8 p.m. and discovered there were warrants for her arrest for breaching several court orders.

The officer found the suspected marijuana when the woman was being handcuffed and he saw two large bulges in the front pockets of her sweater.

Police said the woman was held for a bail hearing.

Hey, hey! It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Canada! Anyway it doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot to discuss here. Clearly we’re looking at a Grade A moron. I mean first of all that’s not how you use a condom at all. Condoms are for having sex. Terrible sex devoid of all pleasurable sensation, but sex nonetheless. Point is they’re supposed to go on a man’s penis.

But I do understand the confusion. She’s a woman. She doesn’t have a penis, so frankly I’m not surprised at all that she doesn’t have more than a vague idea what to do with a condom. It can be tough. Granted, when it comes to condoms, my struggles don’t generally go much further than “shit, I put it on the wrong way, better flip it over,” but I’ll give her partial credit. She knew SOMETHING was supposed to go inside it, she just wasn’t sure what. And “penis” and “pot” start with the same letter, so it’s not like she was THAT far off.

So really, the one place where I have to deduct points is for the drug storage location. You may not know what to do with a condom, but if you’re going to hide drugs you have to do better than sticking them inside what is essentially a transparent balloon. Does that even really count as “hiding”? That’s like sticking a bundle of crack rocks in a glass of water and expecting nobody to notice. You’re not fooling anybody. But what do you expect from bicyclists. The drug-addled bicyclist brain is largely incapable of higher reasoning. In many ways they almost deserve our pity.

(image source)

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Hey Deadspin, Get Off My Lawn!

Screen Shot 2013-11-05 at 1.19.55 PM[Deadspin] Maybe I’m in the wrong but I get annoyed whenever I’m walking in the park and I hear, at my back, a bicycle bell. The call of “On your left!” also gets on my nerves. My fight instinct kicks in, and I have to force myself not to punch the bicyclist soon to go by. A single jab would do it.

This is indefensible, not only because punching people is wrong, but also because the person on the bike, in such a case, seems to be making an effort to be considerate. (I said seems.) The law agrees: bicycles without warning devices are not street-legal in New York City. And yet the plink of metal-on-metal triggers a voice in my head that goes, “Just because you got a bell doesn’t mean I’m moving.”

Why can’t I rise above my inner libertarian and persuade myself that the ringing of the bell (or the utterance of words of warning) is not only in the public interest but in mine as well? After considering the question at some length, I have figured out why I feel the way I do. It’s because bicyclists in New York City are huge assholes.

Hey Deadspin, get off my lawn! You can’t just cut straight to the top of the bike hate blogging game! You gotta pay your dues! Spend a couple of years trudging along in near anonymity and fielding furious, venom spitting emails from psychotic meth head bicyclists, then come talk to me!

In all seriousness though it’s about time someone like Deadspin got into the game. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about bicyclists it’s that they’re essentially a highly organized shadow militia. Gangs of them roam every major city in America. Hordes of sociopathic bikevangelists overwhelm every blog on the internet with their battle cries of “share the road!” and declarations of war against anything with a motor. I’m just one man. A brave, heroic man to be sure. I won’t argue with you there. But there’s still only so much I can do. I can’t take on every bicyclist on the internet or in the street on my own. All it takes is one of the bicyclists on the more violent end of the spectrum to get a bead on me and the whole anti-bicyclist movement is kaput.

So I’m proud. This is a great day. Deadspin just became my insurance policy. And it feels good. It feels good to know that when I am inevitably taken out by a cabal of bicyclists frothing at the mouth and charging me on their $16,000 carbon-fiber bicycles, the movement won’t die. And yeah I know that this article gets sort of sympathetic towards these bicyclists. But this is a baby steps type situation. I’m not thrilled that the author is an admitted bicyclist. I’m not thrilled that he admits to falling into some of the bicyclist behavior he professes to hate. I’m not thrilled about any of that. But if you’re going to be a bicyclist, you might as well be a self-aware one. And this guy might be the only one of those around. Baby steps, friends. Baby steps.

PS. Still not sure why everyone throws Lance Armstrong’s name out there with all the asshole street bicyclists. Ummm name one time Lance Armstrong blocked traffic or ran a red light or hit a pedestrian. You can’t. Get your hate straight, guys.

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Celebratory Interlude

As a native New Englander, I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Boston Red Sox on winning the World Series, as well as let you know that, since I’ll be heading up to Boston for the parade, the bike hate will likely be on hiatus for the next few days. CUE THE DUCKBOATS!

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