Dumbass Bicyclist Apparently Has No Idea How To Hide Drugs Or Use A Condom


[The Observer] A 35-year-old Sarnia woman police allege was carrying nine grams of marijuana wrapped in condoms, as well as five hydromorphone (a narcotic pain reliever) pills in her purse, was arrested Wednesday evening after she was stopped on her bike.

Sarnia Police said an officer stopped the woman in the area of Victoria and Davis streets just after 8 p.m. and discovered there were warrants for her arrest for breaching several court orders.

The officer found the suspected marijuana when the woman was being handcuffed and he saw two large bulges in the front pockets of her sweater.

Police said the woman was held for a bail hearing.

Hey, hey! It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Canada! Anyway it doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot to discuss here. Clearly we’re looking at a Grade A moron. I mean first of all that’s not how you use a condom at all. Condoms are for having sex. Terrible sex devoid of all pleasurable sensation, but sex nonetheless. Point is they’re supposed to go on a man’s penis.

But I do understand the confusion. She’s a woman. She doesn’t have a penis, so frankly I’m not surprised at all that she doesn’t have more than a vague idea what to do with a condom. It can be tough. Granted, when it comes to condoms, my struggles don’t generally go much further than “shit, I put it on the wrong way, better flip it over,” but I’ll give her partial credit. She knew SOMETHING was supposed to go inside it, she just wasn’t sure what. And “penis” and “pot” start with the same letter, so it’s not like she was THAT far off.

So really, the one place where I have to deduct points is for the drug storage location. You may not know what to do with a condom, but if you’re going to hide drugs you have to do better than sticking them inside what is essentially a transparent balloon. Does that even really count as “hiding”? That’s like sticking a bundle of crack rocks in a glass of water and expecting nobody to notice. You’re not fooling anybody. But what do you expect from bicyclists. The drug-addled bicyclist brain is largely incapable of higher reasoning. In many ways they almost deserve our pity.

(image source)

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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