This ‘Cyclr’ Blog Is NOT Happy With Me

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[Cyclr] We everyday cyclists may think that we are giving the world a hand by reducing congestion, carbon emissions and the strain on the NHS by keeping ourselves healthy, all while doing the thing we love most. But, as we all know, some quarters of the world around us don’t see it this way.

The briefest of Twitter sessions reveals the extent of the hate. One day alone (24th October 2013) sees users proclaiming that us cyclists are “ludicrously self-centred and aggressive” and, rather threateningly, that “cyclists will get what they deserve”. Meanwhile Dane Bowers himself (of Another Level and Celebrity Big Brother, er, fame) claims that

“A lot if (sic) cyclists are dangerous…And selfish. It’s YOU guys that actually think you own the road’.

Why all the hate? Well Bowers’ complaint comes after an encounter with cyclists riding two abreast. Fair enough, that is annoying, but there’s no need for the grand generalisation when we all know that most cyclists are safety conscious and happy to share the roads.

But the hate in places is so vehement that it extends beyond a momentary Twitter rant, and has lead to entire blogs being dedicated to cycle-hate. One such site is I HATE CYCLISTS, where the hatred runs so deep that only capitals suffice to proclaim it apparently, and which contains the tagline “cyclists are the worst people in the world”.  Among other things, the site seems to allege that cyclists are all meth users, for, as we all know, hard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.

Hey Cyclr get off me!

You know how I know you’re a second rate blog? You can’t even get my site name right. It’s “I Hate Bicyclists,” not “Cyclists.” It would literally have taken you five seconds to double check that, but I guess fact checking an article is like stopping at a red light, right? Bicyclists don’t have time to bother with that sort of thing. Following rules and doing the right thing is for little people.

And since Cyclr has brought the distinction to light again, I’ll take the opportunity to reeducate you dogfuckers on the difference between a cyclist and a bicyclist. “Cyclist” is a profession. “Bicyclist” is not. Lance Armstrong is a cyclist. The guy who bikes around the block on Saturdays is a bicyclist. And no matter how much spandex he dresses up in, no matter how many aerodynamically streamlined helmets he buys, he will never be a cyclist.

This isn’t hard. It’s the same reason I don’t refer to myself as a “basketball player” just because I like to shoot the ball around at the rec center every once in a while. I’m not LeBron James Kevin Love, and Teddy Tenspeed over there isn’t Lance Armstrong. Sure, Lance is flawed. Aren’t we all? But I know this: Lance Armstrong never ran a red light during the Tour de France. He never ran over a pedestrian and yelled “share the road.” Transgressions like that are the purview of the bicyclist.

PS. “Among other things, the site seems to allege that cyclists are all meth users, for, as we all know, hard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.” This is actually a great point. I mean name me one athlete who has ever used drugs. You can’t. Sure, guys like Josh Hamilton have been accused of using. But their jobs demand physical fitness so it’s obviously impossible. Bang the gavel. Case dismissed. That’s just science.

PPS. “[H]ard drugs are the perfect accompaniment for any activity demanding physical fitness.” — a bicyclist. Just gonna keep that one in my back pocket.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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5 Responses to This ‘Cyclr’ Blog Is NOT Happy With Me

  1. r3dbull4dd1kt says:

    I believe the quote is “You know you are hovering over an important target zone when the Flak starts popping off”…
    Open bomb-bay doors Falco…you found a weak spot in the defenses…

    and to the homoerotic spandexy douchenozzles from ‘cyclr’ reading this–you are ALL fuckin awful; you aren’t reducing carbon emissions, you are reducing drivers’ patience levels and a little Applied Physics 101 for you bikefucks–2 tons of steel capable of accelerating from 0 to 100mph in under a minute is gonna win every single time against your carbon fiber and aluminum pieces of rolling douche…keep that in mind next time you blow through a STOP sign or ride 4 wide…

    • Joel says:

      Drivers are mental midgets when it comes to everything. You can’t do a damn thing without freaking the fuck out. You bitch about traffic, you bitch about roads, you bitch about gas prices, you bitch about bikes, you bitch about pedestrians, you bitch about not having enough free fucking parking, when there are parking garages everywhere. You bitch about so much shit but you don’t do a damn thing about any of it. You drive your vehicles like crazed assholes, killing 30,000+ people every year, and almost killing 100,000 more. And when you almost kill us, and we retaliate by denting your stupid car, you freak the fuck out. As if we give a shit about your god damn vehicle after your stupid ass almost killed us. We are well aware of the laws of physics, which is why when you attempt to obliterate us with your shit driving, we don’t feel too bad about that dent in your car. So get back in your vehicles, calm the fuck down, and get your head out of your asses and learn how to drive. Stupid petty fucks.

      • r3dbull4dd1kt says:

        hahhahahahahahaha…oh….you were serious? well, allow me to retort you spandex-wearing sociopath…Bicycles are an unneeded menace on public thoroughfares…they are in no way safe to operate on public roadways…why? DRIVERS! You point out E X A C T L Y why you stupid fucks are all suicidal–because its dangerous enough on the highway without having to swerve around you morons peddling along oblivious to reality..

        I have never complained or shouted obscenities at a single bikefuck who was peddling along in a bike lane…or on a bike path…just the fuckin seatmonkeys who block traffic and engage in general fucktardary on public roads…

        You would go full-retard on any motorist who drove on a bike path…kinda seems redundant to piss and moan about drivers doing the same thing…so go fornicate yourself biketard…

      • Goon says:

        Car + Idiot on Bike = I win 100% of the time.

        Any spandexed hooligan who would dent my car would rue the day he cut me off in traffic. If you are going against traffic or through a clearly marked traffic control, be warned: my foot will not move off of the accelerator.

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