Apparently “Water Cycling” Is A Thing And You Know What, Forget It, I Don’t Want To Live On This Planet Anymore


[3 News] A Wellington water cyclist is determined to cross Cook Strait, even though his last attempt ended in a rescue.

Last time, Rick Matenga was abandoned by his support crew and left alone as night fell, pedalling against the current and in deep trouble.

The 44-year-old attempted to cross the strait on Wednesday but was left on his own for hours to battle against the currents after his support crew abandoned him.

First off, how much of an asshole do you have to be for your support crew to just up and leave you? I mean no joke, this guy should probably be dead right now. Flailing around in freezing cold water in the middle of the night ain’t the best place to be. But his support crew was in a BOAT. How do you head for shore in your nice safe boat and leave your buddy out in the middle of the strait desperately pedaling against the waves on his unfathomably retarded waterbike contraption? Seriously, how much did they hate this guy? They flat out left him to die.

But let’s put all that aside for a second and focus on something that until five minutes ago I didn’t even know existed: “water cycling.”

I had to read two or three articles about this guy to figure out exactly what the fuck water cycling even IS (and that’s ten minutes of my life that I’m never getting back). Apparently it’s a bike attached to some sort floatation device. You can see a picture of it above. I have no goddamn idea how it propels itself, but I can only assume that there’s some sort of paddle device underneath attached to the bike wheels.

Which is just perfect. As I said, I had no idea this even existed, but now that I do I can’t say I’m even the slightest bit surprised. Bicyclists will never be content. They aren’t content with obstructing pedestrians on the sidewalks. They aren’t content with obstructing cars in the streets. Hell, they aren’t even content to ride in their own bike lanes most of the time. So does it really shock anyone that now they’ve moved on to blocking shipping lanes? Trust me, it’s only a matter of time before you take your boat out on the river only to be accosted by a speedo wearing (I think we can all safely assume that when engaging in watersports, bicyclists ditch the spandex bodysuit in favor a spandex crotchgrabber, right?) psychopath on the back of a tenspeed screaming red-faced at you to SHARE THE CURRENT, BRO.

(image source)


About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
This entry was posted in Stupidity, Technology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Apparently “Water Cycling” Is A Thing And You Know What, Forget It, I Don’t Want To Live On This Planet Anymore

  1. Ernie says:

    Hi falco
    Love your page & your writing style.
    You might want to look into network recent news stories in Australia:
    1. A Sydney cyclist just sent to prison for killing an elderly lady who got in his way when he was riding on the footpath
    2. A Brisbane cyclist who was shooting arrows at homeless people

  2. cyclistseatshit says:

    Love your blog, it’s funny as fuck, but this is a GOOD thing. ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING to get those self indulgent fucks off the road is a good thing.

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