Bicyclists Starting to Go All ’28 Days Later’ on Us

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Falco

A 71-year-old Cambridge man told police he was driving down Concord Avenue near Parker Street at 11:20 a.m. on Aug. 28 when a cyclist reportedly started banging on his passenger side window and door, denting the door with a kick.

The driver of the 2008 blue Toyota Camry told police he didn’t know why the cyclist punched the passenger side window and banged on the side of his door. The man reportedly didn’t say anything to the man cyclist, who reportedly kicked the door of the car when the man started to drive away. [Wicked Local]

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What the fuck is going on in Bikerland these days? Usually these pussies are content to just pee on buildings and flash their dicks at people, but in the past few days it seems like they’re really kicking the aggression up a notch. We got bicyclists kicking hikers, punching cars, kicking cars…what the fuck is happening here!

The obvious answer is that some sort of rage virus has infected bicyclists all over the country. Can’t think of any other explanation. And listen I saw those Resident Evil movies. I know what has to be done when something like this happens. And if that means we have to nuke some city like Portland where the bicyclists have already taken over, well, you know what Portland? You’ve made your bed. Now lie in it.

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Bicyclist Runs Over Hiker and Calls Him a “Motherfucking Faggot,” Promptly Gets the Shit Kicked Out of Him Because Bicyclists Are Pussies

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Falco

A small peloton of Lycra-clad cyclists came northbound around a bend, taking up both lanes. Most moved over into the northbound lane; one just waved his hand at me to give way, which would have put me into a particularly ugly-looking patch of cactus. There was nowhere for me to go; we collided.

He got up first and started ranting and raving about how I’d ruined his $2,000 carbon fiber-and-unobtainium bicycle. His friends, visibly uncomfortable, suggested he just move on.

“You guys go ahead. I’m going to teach this motherfucking faggot a lesson,” he said, and started to kick dirt and rocks onto me as they took off and I tried to get up. Then he kicked me in the shoulder where it had hit the ground.

I’m not particularly nimble, but I’m not totally immobile either, and so I swept my leg, carried his skinny shaved legs out from under him, jumped on top of him, gave him a shiner to remember me by, and shoved his shoulder hard into the edge of the pavement. Then I threw his precious $2,000 penis extension into the nopales, just as the cops showed up. [OC Weekly]

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STOP THE FIGHT! STOP THE FIGHT! Now normally I think food critics are a bunch of sanctimonious assholes and I couldn’t care less about what they think about anything, but LA food critic Dave Lieberman here just became my new personal hero!

Pretty much just ticks every box on the bicyclist checklist: hogging the entire path? Check. Refusing to easily make accommodations by moving over slightly? Check. “Carbon fiber” bike that costs thousands of dollars? Check. Shaved legs for aerodynamics? Check. Homophobe? Check. Total and complete pussy when the shit hits the fan? OH YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT’S A CHECK.

Seriously this story is so perfect that I couldn’t have made it up if I tried. Like could you be a more stereotypical bicyclist douchebag? You run over a dude on foot and then cry about how he destroyed your $2,000 bike? And dude, you let your target sweep the leg. How do you let a guy sweep the leg? If you’re gonna pick a fight you better be prepared for literally the oldest move in the book.

Honestly this is just fucking pathetic on the part of the bicyclist. Can you even feel good about beating someone like that up? (trick question: obviously yes you can)

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Another Day, Another Bicyclist Rolling Around Town with a Concealed Weapon While He Has Outstanding Warrants

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Falco

At 4:30 a.m., Sgt. Schuette and Deputy Easter observed a subject on a bicycle matching the description of an armed robbery suspect. Upon making contact they found the subject was concealing a loaded handgun. The subject was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon and outstanding warrants. [Jackson Citizen Patriot]

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Yup, just another bicyclist tucking a handgun into his waistband and riding around town at 4:30 in the morning. Seriously, how fucking stupid do you have to be to even be OUT OF YOUR HOUSE at 4:30 in the morning while you have outstanding warrants? I mean I know my understanding of the criminal underworld is pretty minimal, but I have to think that if I just robbed someone at gunpoint, I’d be hiding in my house for, jeez, at least a couple of DAYS?

But not this bro. Just doin’ the damn thing. Dumbest motherfucker since the last motherfucker. Ten bucks says he yelled “YOLO” when the cop stopped him. And it’s true. You only get one life. But unfortunately for Plax here you CAN get more than one life sentence.

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Just Another Bicyclist Verbally Assaulting a Woman and Punching the Shit Out of Her Car

Posted on September 6, 2012 by Falco

KITTERY, Maine — Police have released a photo of a bicyclist suspected in a road rage incident and are asking the public’s help in identifying him.

The suspect was involved in an incident on Monday, Sept. 3 with a local motorist on Whipple Road in Kittery, police said. The bicyclist hit the victim’s car with his fist, causing significant damage, police said, and the motorist took the offender’s picture with her cell phone while he was yelling at her.

Police said the male suspect has graying hair below the helmet line. [Seacoast Online]

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Now listen, I make fun of bicyclists a lot because they don’t seem to realize that their 15 lb aluminum bike is not going to win a fight with the two-ton steel death machine we call a “car.” But this guy just straight up skipped the bike and decided to pick a fight with a car using only his fists. Listen bro. I don’t know much. But I know that in a fight between cars and fists, cars are going to win a million times out of a million. You’re pretty lucky this lady didn’t swing the wheel and NAIL your ass.

Now I’m wondering what this guy looks like.

(checks photo)

Whoa, really? A middle aged dude wearing a skintight microfiber jacket, short shorts, and designer sunglasses? I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED!

PS. It says this dude caused “significant damage” to the car using only his fists, which I guess means she was driving a Prius.

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BREAKING: Bicyclists Not Actually Exempt From All Laws and Human Decency

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Falco

Q. Honker: What are the traffic laws regarding bicyclists? Traveling along Santiago Canyon Road, I see bikes going through red lights, crisscrossing traffic lanes, running stop signs. Aren’t they under the same laws as motor vehicles? Does it matter if they are in the bike lane?

– Paul Andrews, Orange

A. Seems like there is a different law for every bicyclist out there in the world, eh Paul?

There isn’t.

The California Vehicle Code requires that bicyclists follow traffic laws. [Orange County Register]

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So Mr. Advice Columnist here is right obviously, bicyclists are supposed to be obeying the traffic laws just like everybody else. What kills me is that this had to be asked in the first place. I mean I get it. When literally every single member of a group does illegal shit on a regular basis, you start to assume that they must know something you don’t. The must have their own set of rules. Nope. Literally every single bicyclist is just a lawbreaking douchebag. Every single one.

I especially love the headline of this article: “Bicyclists should not run reds.” Like it’s some big revelation. BREAKING NEWS: you can’t run red lights. Literally the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen that someone needed to say this.

PS. I love that this guy’s first instinct was to write to his newspaper advice column. Bro it’s 2012. I didn’t even know advice columns were still a thing.

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I Can’t Even Write a Headline, There Are Literally No Fucking Words

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Falco

Bicycling is cool if you’re going down a mountain or winning the Tour de France. It’s a bit dorky in any other scenario. It makes sense if you live in an urban area, but you are giving up a touch of cool. But that’s okay.

What’s not okay is the Fliz. The Fliz is never, ever, ever okay. I am a man who owns several Star Trek T-shirts: I know from dork. And this is as dorky as it gets.

You may not quite believe the image that accompanies this article so here it is, and it’s as awful as you imagined: (VIDEO) [Guyism]

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I was seriously just starting to think that bicyclists couldn’t possibly be any bigger assholes. Like yeah sure it’s easy to find example of bikers riding drunk or flashing people or just being general pieces of shit, but I mean a bike is a bike, right? There’s not really much you can do to switch up a bike, unless you go straight up unicycle, in which case you’ve entered asshole hipster territory which I can’t spend my time covering or this blog would have 100,000 entries a day.

Let me come clean with you here. I don’t hate bikes. In fact, the bike is an awesome mode of transportation. I use mine to ride up the street and get groceries. You seriously don’t have to ride a bike like an asshole. But the REASON that I use my bike to get groceries is so it’s an easier trip. Basically so I’m moving fast and not walking or running. That’s the allure of the bike. This “running bike” literally eliminates the LONE positive element of the bike. If you buy it, fuck you. You’re literally the worst human being on earth. This is like the bicycle version of the Flintstones car, except instead of wacky adventures happening when you use it, the police start phoning around to see if the fucking mental asylum is missing a patient.

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Bicyclists Just Flashing Guns at Schools Now

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Falco

A bicyclist with a holstered handgun was detained by police and released without charges this morning after causing a lockdown at Grand Junction High School.

The bicyclist, a man who Grand Junction Police Sgt. Dave Stassen described to be in his 50’s, was reportedly observed by a student around 8:40 a.m. riding near the school, while the student reported her observations to staff. Police flooded the area, detaining the man at Fifth Street and Orchard Avenue. He was questioned and released by officers, who returned the man’s gun.

The man had a loaded .45 caliber handgun on his hip, which was in plain view of officers, Stassen said. He also had a valid concealed-weapons permit, Stassen said.

“He was advised it’s probably not a good idea to ride around a school with a handgun displayed,” he said. [Grand Junction Daily Sentinel]

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Just just a bicyclist riding around a high school with a loaded handgun strapped to his hip. Nothing to see here. Don’t the police know that laws don’t apply to you when you’re on a bike? I don’t even know what they’re so worked up about. He’s just riding around the school, letting the kids know he’s there. Letting them know he demands respect. Letting them know there are consequences if they misbehave.

Yeah okay so he didn’t actually threaten anybody with the gun. But come on. Nobody rides around with a gun in plain view unless they’re trying to say something without saying it. The message here is obviously that bicyclists hate schools. And you know what? This time, I ain’t mad. High school kids are PUKE.

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Bicyclists Are Such Ridiculous Hypocrites I Can’t Even Stand It

Posted on August 29, 2012 by Falco

Free speech? Natalie Plummer was reportedly just trying to be neighborly when she spotted a police speed trap on her way home (via bicycle) in Houston. She quickly made and held up a makeshift sign to warn drivers, which the police apparently found unamusing; they promptly arrested her and tossed her in the slammer, holding her for 12 hours until she posted bond. (Yo, Natalie, next time you want to do a public service, consider holding up a sign saying “Please slow down.”) [Seacoast Online]

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Listen it’s not even that I’m opposed to the bicyclist here, because I agree that speed traps are bullshit. But bicyclists spend all of their time bitching that drivers treat the road as their own private playground and refuse to be safe. So the police take steps to make sure motorists are driving safely, and what does this bicyclist do? Promptly tell the police to go fuck themselves.

I’m seriously not sure how I’m supposed to feel bad for bicyclists who get involved in accidents when this is their standard response to any safety measures. Ticket bicyclists for straying from the bike lane? BULLSHIT. Cite bicyclists for running red lights? HOW DARE YOU. Install speed traps to keep cars driving safely? BETTER PUT A STOP TO THAT. You people are the biggest fucking hypocrites on the face of the planet.

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I Don’t Think I Have Ever in My Life Hated Anyone As Much As I Hate This “World’s Smallest Bicycle” Guy

Posted on August 28, 2012 by Falco

 

Finally, a bicycle that fits into a day pack … and a man who knows how to ride it! The accompanying video, which has gone viral during the past few days, shows a Russian cyclist pulling out an entire bicycle smaller than his shoe, and calmly climbing aboard and somehow pedaling it down a quiet street. 

It has been billed the world’s smallest bicycle, and if anyone has proof of a smaller functioning bicycle, please share. What’s incredible is that a) the man is able to balance on so small a bike, and b) that the pedals are able to support his weight.

If he’s going to continue riding this bike in public, however, he’d better watch out. Some kid on a tricycle might happen along and run him over. [GrindTV]

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HA HA HA. SOME KID ON A TRICYCLE. BRILLIANT. FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Has there ever been better evidence that bicyclists just want attention? I mean they’re basically just hipsters who lack the skill to ride a unicycle. But it looks Comrade Tinybike up there figured out how to game the system. Not good enough to ride a unicycle? NO PROBLEM. RIDE A TINY BIKE. ONE AT A TIME, LADIES.

I want to write more but I just can’t. My whole body is aching from the pure destructive force of the hatred I feel for this man.

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Bicyclists Are Literally the Only People in the Entire World Who Think Bicycle Cops Are Totally Awesome

Posted on August 28, 2012 by Falco

Would you like to see the police utilize bicycle patrols more often? Are you concerned about how the PPB handles marches and protests? The City of Portland and the Portland Police Bureau is forming a new group of citizens to provide input into their training programs. Since there are many ways bicycling intersects with police training, this might be something worth considering for some of you. [Bike Portland]

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Yup this is pretty much to be expected. Since it’s long been known that bicyclists ultimate goal is to eliminate every other form of transportation, it’s no surprise that they think cops should pretty much just abandon their cars and all hop on bicycles. Listen I know Portland is a bike friendly city but let’s not just cut the entire police department’s balls off, here.

Seriously is there anyone on the planet earth who has ever been intimidated by a bicycle cop? I’m not sure I’ve ever committed a crime in my life but every time I see a bicycle cop I can’t help but think of all the shit I could get away with if I wanted to. Oh calm down hippies. I know “police aren’t supposed to intimidate people.” Well maybe not but I’m pretty sure they ARE supposed to be able to stop crime. Nobody in the history of the earth has ever committed a crime that made people go, “oh no, if only there had been more bicycle patrols.” Sorry dudes. Not a big fan of investing in a police force that can be foiled by an elevated curb. Personal preference thing I guess.

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