Bicyclist Runs Over Hiker and Calls Him a “Motherfucking Faggot,” Promptly Gets the Shit Kicked Out of Him Because Bicyclists Are Pussies

A small peloton of Lycra-clad cyclists came northbound around a bend, taking up both lanes. Most moved over into the northbound lane; one just waved his hand at me to give way, which would have put me into a particularly ugly-looking patch of cactus. There was nowhere for me to go; we collided.

He got up first and started ranting and raving about how I’d ruined his $2,000 carbon fiber-and-unobtainium bicycle. His friends, visibly uncomfortable, suggested he just move on.

“You guys go ahead. I’m going to teach this motherfucking faggot a lesson,” he said, and started to kick dirt and rocks onto me as they took off and I tried to get up. Then he kicked me in the shoulder where it had hit the ground.

I’m not particularly nimble, but I’m not totally immobile either, and so I swept my leg, carried his skinny shaved legs out from under him, jumped on top of him, gave him a shiner to remember me by, and shoved his shoulder hard into the edge of the pavement. Then I threw his precious $2,000 penis extension into the nopales, just as the cops showed up. [OC Weekly]

STOP THE FIGHT! STOP THE FIGHT! Now normally I think food critics are a bunch of sanctimonious assholes and I couldn’t care less about what they think about anything, but LA food critic Dave Lieberman here just became my new personal hero!

Pretty much just ticks every box on the bicyclist checklist: hogging the entire path? Check. Refusing to easily make accommodations by moving over slightly? Check. “Carbon fiber” bike that costs thousands of dollars? Check. Shaved legs for aerodynamics? Check. Homophobe? Check. Total and complete pussy when the shit hits the fan? OH YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT’S A CHECK.

Seriously this story is so perfect that I couldn’t have made it up if I tried. Like could you be a more stereotypical bicyclist douchebag? You run over a dude on foot and then cry about how he destroyed your $2,000 bike? And dude, you let your target sweep the leg. How do you let a guy sweep the leg? If you’re gonna pick a fight you better be prepared for literally the oldest move in the book.

Honestly this is just fucking pathetic on the part of the bicyclist. Can you even feel good about beating someone like that up? (trick question: obviously yes you can)

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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