Bicycling is cool if you’re going down a mountain or winning the Tour de France. It’s a bit dorky in any other scenario. It makes sense if you live in an urban area, but you are giving up a touch of cool. But that’s okay.

What’s not okay is the Fliz. The Fliz is never, ever, ever okay. I am a man who owns several Star Trek T-shirts: I know from dork. And this is as dorky as it gets.

You may not quite believe the image that accompanies this article so here it is, and it’s as awful as you imagined: (VIDEO) [Guyism]

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I was seriously just starting to think that bicyclists couldn’t possibly be any bigger assholes. Like yeah sure it’s easy to find example of bikers riding drunk or flashing people or just being general pieces of shit, but I mean a bike is a bike, right? There’s not really much you can do to switch up a bike, unless you go straight up unicycle, in which case you’ve entered asshole hipster territory which I can’t spend my time covering or this blog would have 100,000 entries a day.

Let me come clean with you here. I don’t hate bikes. In fact, the bike is an awesome mode of transportation. I use mine to ride up the street and get groceries. You seriously don’t have to ride a bike like an asshole. But the REASON that I use my bike to get groceries is so it’s an easier trip. Basically so I’m moving fast and not walking or running. That’s the allure of the bike. This “running bike” literally eliminates the LONE positive element of the bike. If you buy it, fuck you. You’re literally the worst human being on earth. This is like the bicycle version of the Flintstones car, except instead of wacky adventures happening when you use it, the police start phoning around to see if the fucking mental asylum is missing a patient.