Bicyclists Just Openly Hating Jews Now

Posted on August 1, 2012 by Falco

Police are looking into an argument in which a man hurled hateful taunts at a Jewish man wearing a yarmulke in North Hollywood.

“He made references to Hitler – Hitler should have killed the Jews, that type of stuff,” LAPD Detective Craig Kojima said.

The incident started when a woman was backing out of her driveway in the 12600 block of Bessemer Street Sunday evening about 6:25. A man bicycling by blocked her way, and she honked at him.

The woman’s son, who is about 30 and was wearing a yarmulke, was nearby. During the ensuing argument, the bicyclist challenged the son to a fight, and then started the anti-Jewish taunts. [LA Daily News]

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I don’t want to call this an overreaction, but it seems like this might be a little bit of an overreaction. That said it definitely is typical bicyclist behavior. Okay maybe not all the Hitler stuff, but I mean it’s bad enough that bicyclists just block traffic all over the place, this dude couldn’t even help himself from blocking a DRIVEWAY. Like bro. You’re on a bike. That’s a two-ton steel death machine backing into you. You wanna challenge a guy in a CAR to a fight? Dude could just straight up back over you without breaking a sweat.

Pretty predictable though. Someone calls out a bicyclist for being a blatant dickbag? Go straight for the throat. This guy doesn’t fuck around with “you’re an asshole, no YOU’RE an asshole.” Just goes straight for the Hitler card. Just goes to show you bicyclists don’t even know how to fight properly. Can’t go laying down your trump card before the opening round even starts. Just makes everyone look bad.

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Slowest Bicyclist Ever Snatches Purse, Can’t Even Escape Woman Who Runs Him Down ON FOOT

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Falco

MANCHESTER — Alone and walking to her car late at night, Ashley Stathopoulos was terrified when a man on a bicycle grabbed her purse and pedaled away.

She also was quite angry.

“I wasn’t letting him get away. He only looked back at me once. I don’t think he expected me to make such a scene,” said Stathopoulos, who chased the bicyclist for a couple of blocks down Elm Street while screaming for help around 1:45 a.m. Saturday. Stathopoulos made enough of a racket to get the attention of an officer on patrol, who pulled up in a police cruiser and listened as Stathopoulos explained what happened. The officer put out the call and police took over the chase from Stathopoulos, who said she chased the bicyclist for two blocks wearing sandals. 

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Oh man, you guys. You guys. This is just the BEST. I mean it’s totally typical bicyclist behavior, just grabbing a purse and pedaling off. We already know that all bicyclists are criminals in some form or another, so this story isn’t even particularly noteworthy on its own. But a guy on a bike can’t even outrun some woman chasing him in sandals? That’s the stuff legends are made of.

I mean let’s be clear here: this happened in Manchester, New Hampshire. I grew up in New Hampshire. There are like, two roads in the entire state. She chased him for two blocks? How did he not zig and zag and disappear into the trees? Manchester, NH is basically like that giant tree village in Star Wars where the Ewoks live (NOTE: may not actually be true). It is straight-up mystifying to me how a bicyclist could possibly fail to lose his pursuer there.

Just goes to show you I guess: every single bicyclist is a complete idiot.

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Dickhead Bicyclists Just Trying to Ruin the Olympics for the Rest of Us

Posted on July 30, 2012 by Falco

LONDON (AP) — London police arrested 182 activists on bicycles who tried to breach the Olympic Park’s security cordon during the games’ opening ceremony, officials said Sunday.

Three people have been charged with various offenses during Friday night’s protest, while the rest were released pending further questioning, Scotland Yard said.

Police — who had earlier mistakenly said they had charged four people — confirmed that a 35-year-old Portuguese man, a 34-year-old Italian man and a 51-year-old man from east London will appear in court accused of public order offenses.

Scotland Yard said it knew a monthly protest by cyclists was planned for Friday but ordered the protesters to remain south of the River Thames to keep them from blocking more than 80,000 ticket-holders from the Olympics’ opening ceremony.

Police said around 400 to 500 people attempted to cross the Thames to the Stratford area, where the Olympic Park is located, defying police warnings and attempts to stop them. The cyclists then split into small groups and some managed to reach Stratford.

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I bet you thought I was going to bitch about Olympic cycling. Not this guy. Couldn’t care less about Olympic cyclists. Because they’re not obstructing traffic. They’re not breezing through stop signs. I’m like 99% sure there are no four way intersections on the Olympic cycling tracks. There’s a big difference between a professional cyclist and a dipshit bicyclist.  I hope the Tour de France goes on forever and some shrunken-testicled roid monkey wins every year.

But seriously, if you don’t love the Olympics, you’re a fucking asshole. If a horde of bicyclists think they can shut down the opening ceremony because they’re butthurt about capitalism, they can just suck my balls.

PS. Occupy London WOULD be made up of a bunch of bitchy bicyclists.

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Even Professional Bicyclists Are Basically Just Crybabies in Spandex

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Falco

 

Ok, here’s the back story to this stunning video. 26-year old Kevin Van Hoovels of Belgium dropped  his chain twice, caught back up with the leader, and then lost the sprint for the title of XC Mountain Bike Champion of Belgium because his foot came out of the pedal. He did not take it well. [MTBR]

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So I guess professional bicyclists are just as crazy as the amateurs, huh? I’m not really sure why this surprises me. I guess it’s probably because everyone knows that every single pro bicyclist is a doped up roid monster. I expect these guys to be angry rage machines, not idiots rolling on the ground sobbing like a five year old who just dropped his fucking ice cream cone. I mean have you ever seen anything more pathetic?  I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard in my fucking life. Other than when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, but Super Bowl losses don’t count. Those are manly tears.

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Another Day, Another Bicyclist Getting Shitfaced and Riding Around Town

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Falco

Police will allege the man was swerving across Bower Rd and struggling to maintain control of his bike when a patrol spotted him about 10.30pm.

The Queenstown man, 37, almost collapsed on the road, police said.

When breath tested, he allegedly returned a blood-alcohol reading of 0.224 – more than four times the legal limit. He will appear in court at a later date.

A police spokeswoman said cyclists had the same responsibility on the roads as motorists.

“Just because someone is riding a push bike does not make them exempt from driving-under-the-influence laws,” she said. [Herald-Sun]

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You know I always sort of suspected that all bicyclists were pathetic alcoholics, but this has to be confirmation right? Two days in a row some dumbass bicyclist just riding around town shit-ass drunk, thinking laws don’t apply to them? Ride around drunk once, shame on you. Ride around drunk twice, shame on ALL of you. Pretty sure that’s how it goes.

PS. He blew a .22 and “collapsed on the road”? Somebody get this fucking lightweight a sippy cup.

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Drunk Bicyclist Apparently Thinks That Her Bike Makes Her Exempt From All Laws

Posted on July 26, 2012 by Falco

BRIDGEPORT — While a 21-year-old woman was driving her car down State Street Wednesday around 10:30 a.m., she said a woman, drinking beer and riding a bicycle, struck her gray Toyota Camry.

The driver said she was driving in the left lane, while the bicyclist was swerving in the middle lane. She tried to avoid the bicyclist, who hit her car, she said.

“I felt bad,” the driver said. “I was just trying to go home.”

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See normally I would have skipped this story because I don’t want people to think I’m advocating injuring bicyclists. Because obviously I’m not, and I hope this girl is okay. But I honestly don’t know whether to be disgusted or impressed that this woman was drinking beer while she was riding a bike. Was she one-handing it? Or was she just using one of those beer helmets as a bike helmet? There’s got to be a market for that.

I mean I always say that the #1 thing that makes bicyclists such awful people is that they don’t think the rules of the road apply to them.  But here’s the thing: when I say that, I mean they weave through traffic and don’t stop at stop signs and shit like that. Now here comes this bitch who straight up thinks that public drinking laws stop applying to you the second you sit on a bike. I seriously cannot even fathom what level of fantasy world you have to live in to think you can cruise down the street sipping on a 40 and the cops are just gonna go, “hey is that a Steel Reserve? I love Steely!”

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THE EARTH ITSELF Now Opening Up to Swallow Bicyclists

Posted on July 25, 2012 by Falco

TOLEDO, Ohio – A bicyclist is recovering after riding through a hole Tuesday night. It happened along Holland-Sylvania just south of Airport Highway.

We’re told there was a small water main break, and cones were placed at the scene, blocking the original hole. When the woman rode over the area, it caused the ground to collapse.

Her bike sunk into the hole, and the woman flipped off head first.

She was taken to the hospital to be treated for bruises and cuts on her face.

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Now listen I’m glad this woman wasn’t seriously hurt, but let’s just step back and appreciate the fact that it’s not just people who hate bicyclists. It’s not just animals and nature. It’s the EARTH ITSELF. I mean seriously I’ve walked down a lot of sidewalks. I’ve driven down a lot of streets. And the Earth has absolutely never opened its gaping maw to swallow me whole. Petty sure I’d remember.

Just goes to show that movie The Happening was totally right. The Earth protects itself.

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Bicyclists Just Straight Up Trying to Stab Each Other to Death Now

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Falco

A road rage incident in Ferndale between two bicyclists ended with one man being charged with felony assault with a knife.

David R. Simmons, 69, of Oak Park was arraigned Saturday before Ferndale 43rd District Magistrate James Brennan. The suspect was released on personal bond and sent for psychiatric evaluation at a nearby hospital.

“This is the first time I’ve heard of a road rage incident between two guys on bikes in my 27 years as a cop,” said Ferndale police Detective John Thull. [Press and Guide]

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Well look at this! I don’t want to hear a single Goddamn bicyclist complain about drivers endangering them on the road as long as they’re out there trying to stab one another to death. You know how I always say nobody likes bicyclists? Shit like this shows you that they don’t even fucking like EACH OTHER.

PS. According to the article the guy pulled a knife after the other guy chased him down to bitch at him for calling him a name? Bro I’d pull a knife too if a bicyclist ran me down and started screaming at me. Guy was probably just afraid for his personal safety. And he was a senior citizen? You’re gonna yell at an old man for calling you names? Dude you might as well yell at the sun for setting. And at least the sun won’t try and stab you to death.

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Roving Gangs of Bicyclists Just Cursing at Kids, Stealing, Getting Naked, and Peeing on Everything

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Falco

“Let me be very clear at the outset – this is not an anticycling campaign,” San Ann resident Lou Rinaldi said. “It’s a pro-hometown and community standards campaign. Part of it is letting the folks know that we don’t appreciate some of their actions – many of their actions.”

Those actions extend beyond the road, he said. It includes cursing in front of neighborhood children, stripping down in the parking lot after group rides, littering and stealing fruit from orchards.

“I’ve seen them pee in the parking lot – and there’s a public restroom right there,” Rinaldi said.

It’s that type of behavior that prompted him to write an open letter to cyclists:

“Please know that you become UN-WELCOME when your actions demonstrate disrespect for others, law-breaking, civil disregard and rudeness,” he wrote. [Tampa Tribune]

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This is one of those stories I can’t even really tell a joke about. I mean this pretty much just makes my whole argument for me. How am I supposed to exaggerate a story about bicyclists literally just getting naked and pissing everywhere? I can’t even blow this out of proportion. Just groups of bicyclists invading a town, stealing food, traumatizing kids, getting naked, and peeing in parking lots. Nothing to see here folks. Just typical bicyclist behavior.

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Bicyclist Gets Ticket, Tries to Drag All of Her Friends Down With Her

Posted on July 23, 2012 by Falco

Plantation triathlete Molli Serrano was riding through Weston with more than 30 cyclists when a sheriff’s deputy stopped them around dawn.

Serrano was the only one given a $65 ticket on March 6. Her offense: riding outside the bike lane – a violation the cop said was committed by most everyone in the group.

Deputy Dominic Raimondi says Serrano got the ticket because she stood out in her purple outfit.

He said there were so many cyclists, he had to choose one, so he chose to “fixate” on the woman in purple. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

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Let me just start off by saying that if this officer really did ticket this woman specifically because she was wearing purple, I stand behind his decision 100%. I mean it’s just basic common sense: you can’t stop all of them, so stop the one who looks like the biggest asshole. Seriously, click on that article and look at the picture of that woman. She’s lucky the cop just gave her a ticket instead of pushing her right off her bike. I mean listen obviously I support her raising awareness for a good cause, but the cop can’t be expected to know that.

But the real part of this article that I love is that she’s really just pissed that she got ticketed and nobody else did. Typical bicyclist just selling out all of her friends. Guarantee you that if it was an option, she’d be in court trying to get everyone else ticketed. Because that’s her whole excuse: it wasn’t “I didn’t do anything wrong,” it was “yeah well everyone else did it too.”

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