Good News! Bicyclists Have Decided To Just Start Beating The Shit Out Of Each Other Now!

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Falco

bicyclefight

[Oregon Live] As both a cyclist and an attorney who specializes in cycling-related cases, Portland’s Bob Mionske knows a good deal about road rage incidents pitting motorists against bicycle riders.

But for whatever reason — warmer weather? More people taking to two wheels to get around? — Mionske is seeing an ugly new wrinkle this year, played out through what he says are increasing numbers of instances where two angry, fist-clenched bicyclists are facing off in the Rose City.

“I have so many friends who are suddenly regaling me with stories of fights on bikes,” Mionske said. “Someone is riding along, someone else flies by them in an unfriendly way, words are exchanged and just like that, people are threatening each other with fisticuffs.”

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You know what this reminds me of? Remember at the end of the Lord of the Rings, when the tower falls and all the orcs just go batshit and start attacking each other? Is that what’s happening here? Is there some dark lord of the bicyclists who died and sent the rest of the bicycling world into chaos? Because if that’s the case, somebody somewhere deserves a medal.

I guess this is what happens when Lance Armstrong gets disgraced. We should have known it was only a matter of time before the entire bicycling world completely broke down. Honestly I can’t even believe they’re still having the Tour de France this year, what with the whole social order of bicyclists collapsing into the two-wheeled equivalent of the Mad Max universe. Flat out stupid. Then again nobody ever said bicyclists were smart. Nope, just par for the course for these assholes.

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The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend, And Right Now Skateboarders Are My Friends

Posted on June 12, 2013 by Falco

skatepark

[Park Record] The Park City Police Department last week received at least two reports of bicyclists using the skate park at City Park, something that is an ongoing issue at the facility.

On Wednesday, June 5 at 2:13 p.m., a police officer warned a bicyclist against using the skate park. At 4:54 p.m. the day before, meanwhile, two bicyclists were seen in the skate park. An officer informed them of the rules prohibiting bicycles.

Bicyclists are occasionally seen in the skate park, which is designed for skateboarders and inline skaters. Bicycling is prohibited at the facility.

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I know that a couple of bicyclists deciding to ride around in a skate park doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but I’ve decided to blog it anyway and I’ll tell you why.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s not just the rules of the road that bicyclists don’t think apply to them. They don’t think any rules, anywhere, ever apply to them. Whether those rules are “stop at red lights,” “don’t drive drunk,” or “don’t use equipment that is clearly only meant for skateboards” doesn’t really matter to them. They see a sign with instructions on it and they immediately think “oh, that must be for the other people.”

On the other hand if some lawless, spandex-wearing Lance Armstrong-wannabe decides to ramp his Schwinn off the halfpipe and brain himself on the asphalt, who am I to get in his way?

PS. Hey skateboarders, these bike dicks are trying to push in on your turf. You’re not just gonna let that stand, are you bro?

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Bicyclists Would Rather Run Their Injured Friend Over Than Listen To An Authority Figure For A Single Fucking Minute

Posted on June 11, 2013 by Falco

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(Vimeo via Barstool Sports) I think you guys know me well enough by now to know that I don’t like to make fun of bicyclists getting seriously hurt. It’s just in poor taste. I mean, I think they’re assholes, but I’m not out here to advocate them being maimed or killed. I try to stay away from stories where a bicyclists gets hit by a car or thrown into a sinkhole or eaten by a bear or whatever. I’m just not that kind of blogger.

So when I saw this video, my first instinct was to feel bad for the bicyclist who gets hit by the car. I mean, it’s not HER fault that whoever organized this race completely forgot to make sure speeding cars couldn’t just plow right on through a crowd of bicyclists (NOTE: upon further review, the car seems to be a hybrid, so maybe “speeding” isn’t the right word). Regardless, whoever organized the race is probably deserving of more than a little scorn.

THEN I watched the rest of the video, and oh man, you guys. Oh man. It is just absolute vintage bicyclist. I still feel bad for the woman. I just want to be clear about that. But just look at that picture at the top here. If you see what appears to be a bicyclist RUNNING OVER the woman who just got hit a car, that’s because it is, in fact, a bicyclist running over the woman who just got hit by a car.

Yup, despite the fact that TWO POLICE OFFICERS AND A RACE OFFICIAL are standing there directing bicyclists around the injured woman on the ground (who is also clearly visible, by the way), a whole host of racers remained stalwart in their “RULES AND LAWS DON’T APPLY TO ME!” philosophy and bravely plowed through the makeshift barricade to defend their GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to go wherever they want.

Do I think the guy hit that poor woman on purpose? Nah. But this is just the logical extension of the bicyclist lifestyle. This is what happens when your whole philosophy is centered around not obeying rules. Oh well. Can’t be a bicyclist without breaking a few eggs or something like that.

PS. Get a load of this guy commenting on the video:

Screen Shot 2013-06-11 at 12.05.30 PMGood call bro! And maybe we can go back to burning whale oil too so nobody gets electrocuted ever again! Thank God bicyclists don’t run the world or technology would have never moved past the tenspeed. “NOPE WE’VE HIT THE PINNACLE OF TRANSPORTATION TECHNOLOGY, NO NEED FOR SCIENCE ANYMORE.”

UPDATE: Apparently the first lady wasn’t run over by a car, she was a race official who was run over the bicyclist you can see on the ground next to the car. Frankly, this just makes the whole thing 1000x better.

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Apparently Bicyclists Are Targeting Bus Drivers For Their Latest Crime Spree

Posted on June 6, 2013 by Falco

busbicycle

[BayNews9] TAMPA — Deputies are looking for a man who stole a Hillsborough County school bus driver’s purse, then rode away on a bicycle.

The incident happened on the morning of May 20 while the bus was parked on Yorkshire Drive in Tampa.

According to reports, the suspect boarded the school bus and took the bus driver’s purse. The suspect then fled from the scene on a dark-colored mountain bike.

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Listen, I live in DC. Once in a while you get a great, friendly bus driver. But for the most part, they’re horrible, awful husks of human beings who don’t give two shits about you or anyone else in this world.

So maybe you think I don’t care about this bus driver having his phone stolen by a bicyclist. But you couldn’t be more wrong. In fact, I think the fact that bus drivers are such horrible, hateful people makes this a thousand times worse.

Because bus drivers don’t have much in this world. They just don’t. They don’t have money. They probably don’t have love. I mean would you marry a bus driver? I don’t fucking think so. All they have is their four square miles of road that they loop around day after day after day after day after day. That, and their phone that they can play Jetpack Joyride on when they get a lunch break. That’s literally it. So when Charlie Tenspeed rolls his arrogant ass onto the bus and steals this driver’s phone, he’s literally making off with half his worldly possessions. And that’s low. That’s real low. Even for a bicyclist.

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Apparently They Now Make A Bicycle With Scooter Attachment Coming Off the Back Of It And Oh My God My Brain Can’t Even Handle How Much I Hate Anyone Who Would Use This

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Falco

bikescooter

[Digital Trends] Designer and photographer Jason Loveless invented the scooteRack because he claims he wants to see more people get around via bicycles. “Imagine if you could double the number of bicycle users without doubling the number of bicycles!” he writes. The scooteRack attaches right on the bike’s cargo rack (just like my mom’s weirdo pillow seat) and folds down to reveal a foot stand and handle. The secondary rider can retract the scooter in seconds before they hang on tight as the bicyclist takes them both to the desired destination. It’s like water skiing… but on land! Loveless also says the secondary rider can give the bike an added push for better kick-offs.

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It goes without saying that anyone who would use this is an asshole. But I honestly can’t even figure out why the biggest asshole in the world would use this. I mean even if you think scooters are totally awesome (in which case you’re probably clinically brain dead), how the fuck is this safe? Like I know all bicyclists have a death wish but this seems like it’s just about GUARANTEED to get someone ELSE killed.

Worst/best part is the guy who wrote this article makes it sound like this thing is perfect for parents and their kids. Really? You’re gonna put your kid on a rickety little scooter while you breeze down Suicide Hill on your ten speed? Well God bless you guys. Frankly if I had my way bicyclists wouldn’t be allowed to procreate in the first place. Last thing we need in this world is more spandex wearing shitbirds with a vehicular superiority complex clogging the streets. But if I can’t make it so bicyclists can’t breed I guess the next best thing is to just let them use shit like this and get their own kids killed.

Just to be clear I’m not advocating killing kids. But if you use this thing and you can’t figure out that it’s a flat out death trap, you are functionally retarded and the gene pool is probably better off without you contaminating it. I just call ’em like I see ’em.

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Old Man Sprays Bicyclist With Bear Spray, Which Honestly Seems Like A Horrible Waste Of Bear Spray

Posted on May 27, 2013 by Falco

bearrepel

[WPXI] A 68-year-old man who sprayed bear repellent at a bicyclist on Sauvie Island pleaded guilty Tuesday tounlawfully using mace against a person and was sentenced to mental-health treatment.

Kenneth Lyle Tester also was sentenced to two years of bench probation and ordered not to possess any weapons, including bear spray.

About 12:30 p.m., Tester was backing out of the parking lot at the Cracker Barrel store, 15005 N.W. Sauvie Island Road, in his Ford F150 truck, which had a canopy attached that partially obscured his view, said defense attorney Lisa Ludwig. And a cyclist who’d been standing in the lot began to complain to Tester that Tester had almost run him over.

An argument ensued.

Tester replied back that he didn’t think the parking lot was a good place for the group of cyclists to rest, Ludwig said. At some point, someone in the group approached the driver’s side window and Tester blasted him with bear repellent before driving off, Ludwig said.

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Seems like there’s probably two sides to this story, so I’m not gonna bother getting into the nitty gritty of who did what and whether it was okay. Should you spray a bicyclist with bear spray? Probably not. But I wasn’t there. I didn’t see what happened. So can I really render a judgment? No way. I’m not that arrogant. I can’t condemn Ken Tester until I’ve walked a mile in his shoes.

But what I WILL say is this: this guy lives in an area where there are apparently so many bears that he feels compelled to keep bear repellent on hand at ALL TIMES. Think about it. This wasn’t a can of “just in case” bear spray under the sink. This shit was in his CAR. And I gotta say, if my town was overrun by bears to the point that I had to keep a can of bear repellent in my car to stop myself from being mauled to death when I idle too long at a red light, I PROBABLY wouldn’t be wasting it willy nilly on some dickhead bicyclist hanging out in a parking lot. Even if you hate bicyclists as much as I do, it’s not worth the trip to jail, and it’s DEFINITELY not worth leaving yourself completely unprotected in the event of a bear attack. Bears are no joke, people. Don’t let a bicyclist trick you into leaving yourself vulnerable.

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I’ve Never Hated Anyone As Much As I Hate This Hipster Bicyclist Who Rides Around With His Fucking Cat On His Shoulder

Posted on May 23, 2013 by Falco

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[AP] For bicyclist Rudi Saldia, you could say a cat is his co-pilot.

Saldia often buzzes around Philadelphia with his year-old feline Mary Jane perched on his shoulder. Their urban adventures have turned heads on the street and garnered big hits on YouTube.

The 26-year-old bike courier didn’t intend to become Internet-famous. He originally shot footage of the outings only to prove to his mom that he was taking Mary Jane — nicknamed MJ — for a spin.

“She said, ‘No way! You’re not taking your cat out for the ride,’ which is the reaction I still get even after people see this video,” Saldia said.

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HA HA HA HA HA. OH LOOK AT YOU. SO COUNTERCULTURE. SO UNIQUE AND QUIRKY. Seriously can we just award this asshole his gold medal at the Hipster Olympics so he can go away already?

Let’s just roll down the douchebag checklist:

1. Ridiculous mustache? Check.

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2. Ridiculous hairstyle? Check.

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3. Hipster t-shirt collection? Check.

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4. Kissy face with his fucking cat while riding a bike? Double check.

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And of course the obvious number 5 which is that HE WORKS AS FUCKING BICYCLE COURIER. I’m honestly not sure there’s a worse job in America. Like that’s six different types of obsolete. I can’t even believe that ANY type of courier is still a thing in a time where we have EMAIL. But more importantly, even if you are going to hire a courier, presumably to handle sensitive documents or something, you’re going to hire some asshole on a BIKE? Honestly anyone who hires a bicycle courier at this point 100% deserves to have whatever is being delivered stolen from them.

PS. As much as it hurts me, I do have to give this guy a little bit of credit. I mean I was ready to hate this guy more than anybody on the planet earth, but then I saw this:

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Credit where credit is due. The dude rides in the bike lane. As long as you ride in the bike lane and don’t block traffic you can ride around with FIFTY cats on you for all I care.

Follow me on Twitter at @Falco_DC

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SITE MAINTENANCE

Posted on May 23, 2013 by Falco

As you can see, I’ve added an email address to the sidebar. Since many of you seem fond of leaving hateful messages here, I thought I’d give you an outlet to send your hate mail to me directly. I look forward to publishing all of it here on the blog and continuing to highlight just how deeply evil and hypocritical bicyclists are.

Of course, if you just want to reach out and say hello or award me my Pulitzer Prize, that’d be just fine, too.

falcoindc@gmail.com

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It’s “Bike To Work Day” Here In DC, So This Is It, This Is The Day I Kill Myself

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Falco

biketowork

[WJLA] Commuter Connections and the Washington Area Bicyclist Association are celebrating Bike to Work Day today. More than 13,000 area commuters will be taking part in this clean, fun and healthy way to get to work.

More than 70 pit stops throughout D.C., Maryland, and Virginia will be open and giving out refreshments for those participating.

Nicholas Ramfos with Commuter Connections joined ABC7’s Adam Caskey on Good Morning Washington to talk about the record number of bikers expected to take part in Bike to Work Day. Both Adam and Nicholas agreed that the forecast is perfect for experienced cyclists and those who are attempting to bike to work for the first time. No rain and low humidity make for a perfect celebration of biking.

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It’s amazing to me that a city like DC could actually endorse something like Bike to Work Day. I mean holy shit, all you have to do is spend two seconds driving in the city before you realize that bicyclists are actually the scourge of the roadways. For god’s sake they impede traffic worse than the president’s fucking motorcade. And now you want to encourage MORE of them to come out and clog up our already legendarily congested roads? Fuck you DC. Just fuck you. 

Then again I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same city that can’t keep its own metro trains from catching on fire and crashing into each other. “Improve transportation safety” is clearly pretty goddamn low on the priority list, probably right around “don’t let your mayor smoke crack” and “maybe try not shooting each other once in a while.”

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Apparently Fat People Aren’t Allowed To Participate In That NYC Bike Share Program And Now I Am Just Goddamn Confused

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Falco

fatcyc

[New York Post] Can obese cyclists sign up for the city’s new bike-share program? Fat chance!

It is “prohibited” for any rider who weighs more than 260 pounds to sign up for the soon-to-launch initiative — prompting backlash from riders who say the fat-shaming rule is enough to make them fly off the handle.

Everyone who signs up for the program has to agree to a contract, which states users “must not exceed maximum weight limit (260 pounds)” because the bikes can’t hold that much heft.

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You probably think I’m going to call out these whining bicyclists for being such fat pieces of shit, don’t you? Well I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna go for that low hanging fruit. Because more than anything I’m really confused about what the fuck Bloomberg’s game is here.

I said earlier I’m pretty sure this bike share program represents some kind of secret war Bloomberg is waging against bicyclists. Just trying to get all the inexperienced bicyclists to ride out into the middle of the street and get run over by cabs.  But hasn’t Bloomberg been waging a PUBLIC war against fat people? Banning trans fats, banning sodas bigger than a thimble, basically just making life miserable for fat people everywhere. So why wouldn’t he want fat bicyclists to suffer the same fate? Seems like he could kill two birds with one stone, right?

The only possible explanation that I can come up with is that Bloomberg just likes torturing fat people. This bike share program is a complete death trap, but he doesn’t want fat people dying. He wants them alive and well so he can take more of their favorite things from them. Mark my words, a month from now Bloomberg will ban chocolate and just sit in his penthouse cackling away as he looks down at the fatties wandering aimlessly in the street with no purpose left in life. Not cool, mayor. Not cool. Fat people deserve the same right to kill themselves on bike share bikes as every other bicyclist.

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