[Washington Post] After writing about how aggravating rude and reckless bicyclists can be for motorists like myself, I was invited by some bikers to see the road from their point of view. ….

And that’s my biggest problem with bikers on D.C. streets. Too many of them bike like me. They are clueless. Wouldn’t know a “cycle track” from an Amtrak. ….

“There is no minimum speed limit on D.C. streets,” Davis countered. Moreover, by her calculations, the city’s 25 mph limit downtown combined with congestion during “rush” hour would probably mean that a biker doing 2 mph would be the fastest thing on the street. Depressing but probably true. ….

While our group was lined up single-file in a bike lane, waiting at a light, I slow-rolled my bicycle from the middle of the line to the front. “We call that ‘shoaling,’ ” Davis informed me. “It’s not illegal, but it’s rude. Like people who cut in front of the grocery line because they have only one or two items.”

I get it. When a biker cuts into a line of bikers, it’s denounced as “shoaling,” but when a biker worms his way to the front of a line of cars waiting at a light, then meanders along without letting anybody pass, it’s a right.

—

I wish I could post the whole article for you to read. I highly recommend clicking over to the Washington Post to see my best friend Courtland Milloy offer DC bicyclists an olive branch only to beat them to death with it.

I’ve chosen some of my favorite quotes from the article, because I think they highlight just how insane the bicyclists in this country are. And keep in mind, Milloy rightly points out that his issues with bicyclists typically stem from the people like him–people who are inexperienced and don’t know the ins and outs of city biking. But these aren’t the people he’s talking to here. The people he’s dealing with are the ones who ride every day, the helmet-cam-wearing, spandex-clad, “it’s-my-right-to-block-traffic,” Princes and Princesses of the Yield Sign.

One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is go to the ‘conspiracy’ sections of sites like Reddit and observe how the nutjobs running around there police themselves. It’s always hilarious to look in on a thread titled “PROOF THE HOLOCAUST WAS A MYTH!!!” and see someone getting crushed for implying that 9/11 was an inside job. Their ability to hold one batshit insane thought in their mind while dismissing another as obviously ridiculous is a never-ending source of hilarity to me. And that’s kind of how I feel when I read about the little unwritten rules that bicyclists seem to have. Block traffic? Cut in front of cars? No worries. Roll to the front of a line of bicyclists? What are you, CRAZY? If this were baseball, he’d take a fastball to the chin.

I also particularly enjoyed the bit about how there’s no minimum speed limit in Washington, DC, because it’s just a perfect bicyclist fact. “Oh you have a problem with me going 1 MPH in the middle of the street? TOO BAD BRO, NOT ILLEGAL.” Congratulations, DC bicyclists. This is what you have been reduced to: