Bicyclists Officially Declare Themselves Enemies Of Beer, Stage The Most Pathetic Vehicular Assault Of All Time

[Fittish] On Saturday, May 23, Minneapolis-based haters of the 16-seat drinker-powered mobile pubs could contain their loathing no longer, posting a call on the local“I hate the Pedal Pub” Facebook page for fellow haters to meet at a local park at 1 p.m. with bikes, squirt guns and water balloons. They would then go all Mad Max on some unsuspecting PedalPubs. Trouble is, since Facebook is a public forum, PedalPub warned Minneapolis police about the planned malfeasance.

Nothing happened at 1 p.m., but later in the afternoon, some cyclists rolled up on a PedalPub, squirted a pilot in the face, sprayed a second beer-buggy driver and hit a female pedaler with a water balloon, and were approaching a third mobile bar when the beer-fueled passengers of that third jitney jumped off their stools and went all police-state on the unsuspecting PedalPub haters. Or rather, off-duty police state. Six of the pedaling suds guzzlers just happened to be off-duty cops from Burnsville, a suburb of Minneapolis. They were able to get into situation mode very quickly, as this Youtube video shows:

Minneapolis police, the on-duty ones, arrested six people in the fracas: Five of them were water-armed cyclists; the other miscreant was not identified. All six will have their day in court on June 4th.

Comments on the Star Tribune article and on the I Hate the Pedal Pub Facebook page are vitriolic in the extreme, revealing what a hot-button issue PedalPubs truly are. Clearly, this war has just begun.

You might think that this is a tough issue for me to choose sides on, but you’d be wrong. “But Falco,” I can hear you saying, “Pedal Pubs are basically giant bicycles! Aren’t they just as bad as regular bikes?” Maybe. You might be right. But the fact is, I’m always going to come down on the side of beer. It’s just who I am. It’s in my nature. And I simply can’t stand idly by while respectable, beer-serving establishments are attacked (however pathetically) by roving bands of bicyclist raiders.

Talk about your all-time stupid bicyclist moves though. “Hey, what if we stage a highly illegal attack on a place of business and plan and organize the entire thing on a public Facebook page! Surely this will in no way backfire!” The fact that the Pedal Pub was filled with off duty cops is just the absolute kicker, too. It’s so perfect. Never has justice been served so swiftly and so deservedly. I mean, how empowering must it have felt to see a bunch of lycra-layered lunatics lurching towards you with squirt guns and water balloons and just be able to jump into action and bust their asses into the ground? God, I want that feeling. I bet it’s better than sex. I’d go celibate for a year for the chance to blindside a bunch of bikefucks and bust them back to the stone age.

PS. Let’s cool it with the Mad Max comparisons here though. I know I’ve used the analogy before when talking about these roving bicyclist cabals, but usually they at least have the decency to be actual thugs carrying actual weapons. These morons ran around with couple of water pistols while basically announcing to the entire world exactly what they were going to do. In a Mad Max apocalypse, these idiots would wind up chained to a Harley-riding wasteland warrior wearing a pair of assless chaps in ten minutes flat.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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