This Politician’s Bicyclist-Trolling Game Makes Me Look Like A Fucking Amateur

orcutt

[Samuel Warde] Washington State has long been a cyclist’s haven, with terrific bike trails through the woods and along the roads. Cyclists are everywhere in Washington State and according to an article in Forbes, Seattle ranks in the top twenty for the country’s most bike friendly cities and the state itself, according an article in Wired Magazine, is the best place in the country for bikes. One Washington lawmaker will hear none of that and has said, in public, out loud, within ear shot, that cyclists and cycling are bad for the environment and therefore should be taxed.

Representative Ed Orcutt (R – Kalama) said in an email to constituents.

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He later followed up his claim during a phone conversation with the Tom Fucoloro of Seattle Bike Blog, saying:

You would be giving off more CO2 if you are riding a bike than driving in a car … You can’t just say that there’s no pollution as a result of riding a bicycle.

This is of course is to be able to impose a tax on cyclists under the disingenuous theory that cyclists are using roads purportedly paid for by everyone else; like the more responsible and environmentally friendly people driving cars. Who according to Orcutt, expel less carbon emissions that cyclists with all that heavy breathing.

Bravo. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo!

Listen, I spent two years working in politics in Washington, DC, and I didn’t think it was possible for anything to make me respect politicians again. But just when I think I’m out, along comes Rep. Orcutt to pull me right back in!

The best part about this sort of trolling is that it’s based entirely in facts. Oh, you don’t like cars polluting the environment? Well did you know that you actually produce more carbon dioxide when you’re chugging away on your ten-speed traffic-making machine than you do when you’re sitting on your ass in a car? CHECK AND MATE, BIKEFUCKS! Can’t argue with the truth!

Fact is, when I’m sitting in my car, you can barely even tell I’m ALIVE. I produce so little carbon dioxide I’m practically a potted plant. I’ve got my heart rate down so low that I might technically be hibernating on my commute. Meanwhile what are these supposedly “environmentalist” bicyclists doing? Oh nothing, just sucking up as much oxygen as possible and replacing it with poisonous greenhouse gasses that are slowly warming the earth and contributing to the eventual death of our planet and the extinction of all mankind. NBD.

Nothing like pulling the rug right out from under these delusional lunatics. Rep. Orcutt lays it out pretty clearly for bicyclists: if you really cared about the environment, you’d stop breathing. Simple as that. Anything less and you’re just a giant carbon dioxide-producing hypocrite. But of course bicyclists won’t stop breathing. They don’t have the conviction. They don’t have the balls. I know that, you know that, and they know that. Instead they’ll just keep breathing our air and slowly killing our planet. They’ll continue to be the great scourge of our time.

PS. It hadn’t occurred to me to start an Anti-Bicyclist Hall of Fame, but I’m definitely starting one now just so Rep. Ed Orcutt can be the very first inductee. Congratulations, Ed! Keep fighting the good fight! You’re doing America proud!

(image source)

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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5 Responses to This Politician’s Bicyclist-Trolling Game Makes Me Look Like A Fucking Amateur

  1. bicyclebill2000 says:

    “This Politician’s Bicyclist-Trolling Game Makes Me Look Like A Fucking Amateur”
    Well, you *ARE* an effin’ amateur.  And not just in regards to bicyclist-trolling.

  2. P.A.B says:

    Hey falco! i must say i thoroughly enjoy your blog. All of us at P.A.B. would be honored if you check us out on instagram at people_against_biking or #PAB #Endbiking we are anxious to hear what you think of our page. Thank you, keep up the fight

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