I Always Knew Bicyclists Were Drunken Assholes But Apparently They’re Meth Heads Now Too


[Redding Record Searchlight] A man riding his bicycle in Red Bluff early this morning was arrested on suspicion of several drug-related charges after officers said they found a sunglasses case full of methamphetamine that belonged to him.

An officer stopped David Bowman, 33, around 1:14 a.m. on the 600 block of CedarStreet because he was riding his bike without a light, according to the Red Bluff Police Department.

The officer noticed something big in one of Bowman’s pockets, so he tried to remove it, thinking it might have been a weapon, police said.

But before he could, Bowman ran away, eventually being detained by a police dog, officers said.

The officer noticed that the mystery object was no longer in Bowman’s pocket, but then officers said they noticed a sunglasses case in the path where Bowman ran away.

Ohhhhh, tough luck bro! So close to getting away with it. But I guess these guys will never fucking learn that if you’re going to do something massively illegal like carry around a pocketfull of meth, you probably shouldn’t break a bunch of other laws while you’re at it. To you and me that’s just common sense 101, but to the warped and twisted mind of a bicyclist that sort of logical thought is flat impossible.

I mean literally all this dumb piece of shit had to do was attach a light to his bike. Or just not ride in the dark. Or LEAVE HIS METH AT HOME. Any of those options and he’d have been 100% in the clear. But nope. Bikers gonna bike I guess. They ain’t gonna be stopped by your puny mortal laws, for they are of the immortal BICYCLIST cabal and the laws of man do not apply to them. No use trying to figure out what goes through their heads, you’ll just end up hurting yourself.

PS. In all seriousness though, 1 gram? Really? We’re getting all worked up over 1 gram of meth? I’m pretty sure every time I go to southeast DC I inhale at least a gram of meth ACCIDENTALLY just by walking down the street.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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