Bicyclists Are So Fucking Dedicated To Getting In Everyone’s Way That They’re Even Bicycling Up The Goddamn Stairs Now

stairs

[Shanghaiist] A Polish cyclist set a new world record for the most steps scaled on a bicycle when he pedaled up an exhausting 3,139 steps in the Taipei 101 Tower in Taiwan on Sunday, according to China Daily. The 33-year-old endurance beast, Krystian Herba, conquered his own world record of 2,919 steps, which he set in 2014 when he ascended the Eureka Tower in Melbourne, Australia.

Herba claimed that this latest effort was the ‘most difficult challenge ever in my life’, citing the fact that the tower’s steps are twice as high as those from previous attempts. The Taipei 101 Tower, standing at 509m, was once the world’s tallest building (it now sits sixth on that list) and is named after the 101 floors it houses.

To complete his mission, Herba first climbed 60 floors, before returning to the bottom via elevator, then pedaled up another grueling 91 floors. The feat was accomplished in two hours and 13 minutes.

I am not exaggerating when I say I might hate this guy more than anyone on earth. I hate him with every fiber of my being. I hate him from the tips of my toes all the way up to the pointiest hair on my head. I hate him with every single breath I take. The rest of my life is going to be a little bit worse every single day just from knowing that this lycra-encased garbage monster exists under the same sun as me.

Why the fuck is there even a world record for this? Who is verifying this shit? If you call the Guinness Book of World Records and ask them what the record for “most stairs bicycled up” is, they should hang the fuck up on you. I honestly cannot think of a more useless record. At least when a whole town gets together and makes the world’s biggest grilled cheese sandwich or whatever the fuck people are doing these days, people get to eat it. All this guy managed to do was spend over two hours barging through the busy staircases of a hundred-story office building. And that’s the BEST CASE scenario. Worst case is they actually shut down and cleared out the staircases in this building just so this fucking chud could try to break his stupid fucking record FOR THE NINTH FUCKING TIME.

I get it. This is what bicyclists do. They obstruct. But I have to admit, even I am a little taken aback by this one. I know they block the streets. I know they block pedestrian walkways, doorways, subway cars, sidewalks, and just about any public throughway under the sun. I guess I just never thought they’d venture into the indoor realm. I mean, stairs? Now I have to worry about bicyclists running me over every time I go up a set of STAIRS? Call me naive–I just thought some things were off limits. After all, what’s next? Am I going to wake up in the middle of the night and stumble to the bathroom, only to find a bicyclist blocking the toilet? “Sorry bro, just trying to break the world record for laps around a bathtub,” he’ll say to me. Well I won’t stand for it. I WON’T.

This guy wants to cycle up the Sears Willis Tower next year. This we cannot allow. The line must be drawn HERE. This far, no further. Maybe this shit flies in Malaysia, but if we don’t take a stand in America, we might as well burn our cities to the ground and go back to foraging for food, because our days as a first world country are over.

PS. He went up 60 floors, then went down the elevator, then went up 91 floors? So he didn’t even get to the top and go back down? He just went up 60 and decided it was time for a break? That is some bullshit. How does this record even count? Dude straight up took a break right in the middle. I swear, bicyclists don’t have a single ounce of integrity. The fact that this guy can accept this record with a straight face makes me want to puke.

(image source)

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About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
This entry was posted in Stupidity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Bicyclists Are So Fucking Dedicated To Getting In Everyone’s Way That They’re Even Bicycling Up The Goddamn Stairs Now

  1. bicyclebill2000 says:

    I agree, Falco.  This is the same grade of stupidity that makes people drive cars in a circle for 500 miles every weekend and thousands of other people watch them, or some Japanese guy come to Coney Island year after year after year just so he could sit down and pig out on 50 hot dogs in ten minutes, or some blogger with a Gmail account and a WordPress website keep playing the same note on his one-stringed fiddle.

    • Falco says:

      You seem very concerned about me wasting my time, and yet you keep coming back. Dedicated readers like you warm my heart. It’s why I do what I do! Thank you!

      • bicyclebill2000 says:

        Falco, it’s like a bus crash.  People slow down, turn around, drive by over and over and rubberneck at those too.

      • Falco says:

        I dunno, man. If you think people do that you might have some weird friends.

  2. P.A.B. says:

    Hey falco. i must say, i enjoy reading your blog. However i don’t believe all bikers are stupid evil morons. I believe the act of biking drives them to this. Once they give up their addiction they can be re integrated into society and be perfectly normal people. I also do not believe any biker should be hurt or hated on rather treated with love and encouraged to give up their unhealthy lifestyles. I would be honored if you checked out our instagram page People_against_biking It would be amazing to have such a passionate anti bike activist such as yourself to join our cause.
    Sincerely
    P.A.B.

  3. onenameleft says:

    Herba claimed that this latest effort was the ‘most difficult challenge ever in my life’
    I have a challenge, take your bicycle to the scrap yard, and don’t EVER buy, and ride another bicycle again!

  4. Will says:

    It’s funny how you tar all cyclists with the same brush without realising how many disciplines there are. The main group targeted for hatred being the Lycra clad road bikers (which irritate me also) due to the fact that they hog entire roads at a time without attempting to move out of the way of cars. However the most irritating are the city morons who can barely be called cyclists thanks to their idiocy and wobbly at best cycling. However this guy is quite evidently a talented endurance and trials rider and deserves no hatred whatsoever. Being a Downhill cyclist myself Im forced to ride on roads to get to any tracks and always vacate the road when there is a car behind me as do many others. My point to this being I agree with you some people are dangerous morons who irritate me as a driver, but on the whole, a proper cyclist causes no difficulty or irritations to anybody. Hopefully you all don’t despise me for having a bike and can see my point.

  5. no says:

    THERE ARE VARIOUS DISCIPLINES YOU MANIAC!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT RESPECT THE DISCIPLINES!!!!!!!

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