Everyone Knows I’m A Giant Technology Geek But If Bicyclists Start Using This “Augmented Reality Helmet” I’m Going To Wish We Had Never So Much As Discovered Fire


[Digital Trends] According to a CNET report, a Moscow-based company called LiveMap, is developing a new helmet for bikers that features a head-mounted display, built in navigation and Siri-like voice recognition.

The headgear will feature a translucent, color display that’s projected on the visor in the center of the field of vision and a custom user interface.  The helmet’s display features a light sensor for adjusting image brightness based on external light conditions as well as an accelerometer, gyroscope, and digital compass for tracking head movements, according to CNET.

The CNET report notes that unlike visor mounted heads up displays, LiveMap is fully integrated within the helmet and layers information in real space.

The helmet, which features the same type of augmented-reality technology as google glass, will be offered as an English only Android based headgear at launch. 

Listen, I’m a giant tech geek. Like as soon as Google Glass is available, I’ll be the first person in line. I don’t care how stupid it looks right now. You’re telling me I can wear a computer on my FACE and talk to it like a fucking Star Trek computer? GIMME GIMME GIMME.

But that said, the fact that this technology is already being perverted by bicyclists is absolutely unforgivable. And yes I know it’s made for motorcyclists. And motorcyclists are fine. Nothing against them at all. But there’s no way bicyclists aren’t going to start snapping this shit up. They can’t help themselves. These are the same people who spend $16,000 on carbon fiber bicycles. You really think they’re going to bat an eye at dropping another $2,000 on a high-tech helmet? There is nothing on earth more frightening than a man with no morals and a bottomless checkbook. In other words, a bicyclist.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say I would rather send humanity straight back to the dark ages than allow this technology to fall into bicyclist hands. Because there is not one single reason a bicyclist would need this technology. Not one. Bicyclists can barely pay attention to the road AS IT IS. Letting bicyclists stick a computer display right in their face is not gonna help the situation. They already don’t pay attention to stop signs and traffic lights. You think things are going to get better if these fucks can browse the internet for pictures of cats or search Amazon for a brand new spandex biking outfit while they ride? Zero chance.

And of course you know that no bicyclist has ever taken responsibility for anything in their entire lives, so I can’t WAIT for the first batch of lawsuits after this technology becomes available. “Your honor, I’m suing the company that made my helmet for $100 million because I would never have run over that child if my helmet hadn’t been DISTRACTING me by displaying THE DIRECTIONS I ASKED FOR.” Guaranteed. 100%-abso-fuckin-lutely guaranteed. You can’t even help bicyclists out by giving them cool toys without it backfiring in your face. It hasn’t even happened yet and I’m already angry about it. Ungrateful savages.

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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