[DCist] Has doughnut worship in the District reached its apotheosis yet? Maybe. But if you want to find out firsthand, there will be a pub crawl-style tour next month to seek out the best places to get the treats in D.C. All four of them.

On November 23, the D.C. Donut Crawl will meet at Brightwood’s Chocolate Crust to scarf down cronutsdoissants made specially for the Donut Crawl, before heading down GBD, then Astro Donuts and Fried Chicken, and finally District Doughnut.

Erik Luchauer, the crawl’s organizer and a lifelong doughnut aficionado, told DCist that, after he and his wife moved to the area in April 2012 from Knoxville, Tenn., he made it his mission to sample all the best doughnuts in D.C. Apparently Knoxville lacks a doughnut scene. “They’re a few years behind and still totally wrapped up in cupcakes,” Luchauer says, “and let’s face it, the doughnut is the new cupcake.”

To offset the unhealthy factor of eating many donuts in a short amount of time, participants of the crawl will travel between shops by bike, you know, to offset the large amount of calories gobbled up during the event.

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Here’s the thing. They had me. They ALMOST had me. Because I’m a fatass at heart. Sure I run. I try to eat healthy. But the fact remains that I am powerless to resist delicious food. I’ll sit here and tell you that all I want for lunch is a salad, but if you put a slab of brisket in front of me I’m going to eat the whole goddamn thing.

I love donuts. Love ’em. Now, I think the hysteria over the “cronut” is absolutely batshit fucking crazy. But deep down I really want one. Who wouldn’t? Sounds delicious. But if you think I’m going to wait six hours outside a fucking donut shop to spend $5 on what is, at its core, a croissant with chocolate sauce on top, you are out of your fucking mind.

And that’s where they lose me. Right at the point where this idiot says “doughnut is the new cupcake.” First off, DCist, it’s “donut.” Chill out with this “doughnut” shit. It’s like watching an American spell “color” as “colour.” You’re not in Europe. You’re in America. And in America we eat donuts. So cool it.

Secondly, and most importantly, the cupcake craze was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I’ve seen a lot of stupid fads in my time. I’m in my 20’s. I grew up with people losing their shit over Pokemon, finger skateboards, yo-yos, pogs, and fucking BEANIE BABIES, and I STILL think waiting in a line that stretches around the corner for a cupcake is the dumbest thing I can even imagine. It’s a cupcake. I’ve had a lot of cupcakes. Many of those cupcakes were delicious. But never, EVER have I eaten one that was worth waiting five hours for. Nope. It’s a fucking cupcake. It’s not even a real cake. 99% of you are going to rip the bottom off of it so you can save the top part with all the frosting for last. Don’t even fucking deny it. So don’t sit here and act like cupcakes are “food art” now and you’re some kind of high class connoisseur. You’re just a regular old shitbird like the rest of us, except you have worse taste.

So with that in mind I guess it shouldn’t shock me that bicyclists would be on board with that sort of thing. Because that’s all bicyclists really want. They want to feel superior to you and me. They don’t ride their bikes because they enjoy it. They ride it so they can feel like they’re better than you for saving gasoline. So they can yell “share the road!” and get a self-righteous thrill from it. So they can run red lights and laugh at you for obeying the law. Organizing a “donut crawl” so they can wait in line for shitty food solely to feel superior to you? Yup. Sounds like bicyclists all right.

PS. The “crawl” only has four stops? Holy fuck bicyclists are pathetic. If I was organizing a bar crawl that only stopped at four bars, I’d kill myself purely out of shame.

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