Don’t You Just Hate It When You Almost Kill A Toddler With Your Bicycle And People Freak Out And Get All Mad At You?

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[Courier Mail] ‘HIT-AND-RUN’ cyclist mowed down a toddler before dragging her along the footpath — but claims it’s his life that’s been ruined.

Andrew Holland, 23, said he has been verbally attacked and threatened since the release of CCTV footage showing him ploughing into three-year-old Lucie Wilding outside her home in Blackpool, England. The shocking video shows the little girl caught up in the pedals of the bike, her face scraping the pavement as Mr Holland continues to cycle.

Mum Lauren Howarth, 26, said at the time: “One minute she was behind me and the next she was further along the street, sprawled across the pavement. I thought she was dead. There was blood coming from everywhere. She was hysterical, screaming at the top of her lungs.”

Ms Howarth, a mum-of-three, said Mr Holland fell off his bike before hurling abuse at her and her partner, Matt, and fleeing the scene. “As soon as he got up he started swearing at us, as if it was Lucie’s fault that he had hit her. The next thing we knew he’d gone,” she said. “It would have been nice for him to put a note through the door to check how she is. For all he knew, she could be dead.”

Ugh, helicopter parents are the WORST, am I right? I mean is this mom going to throw a tantrum EVERY time someone runs her kid over and drags her around by the face? Talk about an overreaction. Let’s think about the REAL victim here: the bicyclist. Has anyone stopped for one minute to ask how HE feels? It’s got to be real traumatizing to see all that blood. And did that little girl even bother to find out how badly her tiny body might have damaged that bike? He probably had to refit the chain, might have even had to wipe some blood off the chassis. It’s just such a shame that nobody wants to give this guy any sympathy because they’re too busy paying attention to the “little girl” and her “serious injuries” and “near death experience.” How about a little sympathy for the REAL victim here, huh?

In all seriousness though, how about the balls on this motherfucker? “Yeah, I know I dragged a toddler down the pavement by her face like she was a bundle of cans driving away from the world’s most macabre wedding, but people are being MEAN to me about it so I’m the real victim here.” It’s so absurd I almost have to respect it. And the fact that when he finally popped off the bike he immediately went on a profanity-laced tirade while the toddler’s brains were basically still leaking all over the sidewalk is just the icing on the bicyclist cake.

I wish I could say that any part of this story surprises me. I really do. But I can’t. It’s just par for the course with these people. Never mind that it was illegal for him to be riding his bike where he was. Never mind that he ran over a small child. Never mind that he dragged that same small child on her face across the pavement without stopping. And never mind that he ran off after the “accident” (although can you truly call an act of such astounding stupidity, negligence, and aggressive malice an “accident?”) and never bothered to check with the family to make sure the kid was alright. Never mind all that. The REAL victim here is the guy who people are saying mean things to. It’s like Charles Manson claiming that he’s the victim because of all the bad press he received. Just mind-blowingly tone-deaf stuff here. But that’s just the life of a bicyclist, I guess. When you live your life in a spandex echo chamber, circlejerking with your pedal-jockey buddies day after day about how drivers are out to “get” you, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you develop a persecution complex. Anyone wondering how bicyclists get to be the way they are, how they develop the nigh-universal attitude of entitlement and defensiveness, need look no further than this lunatic right here. Look into his face, bicyclists. He is you. In one way or another, he is all of you.

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h/t to a whole bunch of you who sent this to me

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This Politician’s Bicyclist-Trolling Game Makes Me Look Like A Fucking Amateur

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[Samuel Warde] Washington State has long been a cyclist’s haven, with terrific bike trails through the woods and along the roads. Cyclists are everywhere in Washington State and according to an article in Forbes, Seattle ranks in the top twenty for the country’s most bike friendly cities and the state itself, according an article in Wired Magazine, is the best place in the country for bikes. One Washington lawmaker will hear none of that and has said, in public, out loud, within ear shot, that cyclists and cycling are bad for the environment and therefore should be taxed.

Representative Ed Orcutt (R – Kalama) said in an email to constituents.

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He later followed up his claim during a phone conversation with the Tom Fucoloro of Seattle Bike Blog, saying:

You would be giving off more CO2 if you are riding a bike than driving in a car … You can’t just say that there’s no pollution as a result of riding a bicycle.

This is of course is to be able to impose a tax on cyclists under the disingenuous theory that cyclists are using roads purportedly paid for by everyone else; like the more responsible and environmentally friendly people driving cars. Who according to Orcutt, expel less carbon emissions that cyclists with all that heavy breathing.

Bravo. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo!

Listen, I spent two years working in politics in Washington, DC, and I didn’t think it was possible for anything to make me respect politicians again. But just when I think I’m out, along comes Rep. Orcutt to pull me right back in!

The best part about this sort of trolling is that it’s based entirely in facts. Oh, you don’t like cars polluting the environment? Well did you know that you actually produce more carbon dioxide when you’re chugging away on your ten-speed traffic-making machine than you do when you’re sitting on your ass in a car? CHECK AND MATE, BIKEFUCKS! Can’t argue with the truth!

Fact is, when I’m sitting in my car, you can barely even tell I’m ALIVE. I produce so little carbon dioxide I’m practically a potted plant. I’ve got my heart rate down so low that I might technically be hibernating on my commute. Meanwhile what are these supposedly “environmentalist” bicyclists doing? Oh nothing, just sucking up as much oxygen as possible and replacing it with poisonous greenhouse gasses that are slowly warming the earth and contributing to the eventual death of our planet and the extinction of all mankind. NBD.

Nothing like pulling the rug right out from under these delusional lunatics. Rep. Orcutt lays it out pretty clearly for bicyclists: if you really cared about the environment, you’d stop breathing. Simple as that. Anything less and you’re just a giant carbon dioxide-producing hypocrite. But of course bicyclists won’t stop breathing. They don’t have the conviction. They don’t have the balls. I know that, you know that, and they know that. Instead they’ll just keep breathing our air and slowly killing our planet. They’ll continue to be the great scourge of our time.

PS. It hadn’t occurred to me to start an Anti-Bicyclist Hall of Fame, but I’m definitely starting one now just so Rep. Ed Orcutt can be the very first inductee. Congratulations, Ed! Keep fighting the good fight! You’re doing America proud!

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Get A Load Of This Fucking Douchebag

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[Worcester News] A KEEN cyclist has made the epic fund-raising journey from Land’s End to John O’ Groats — on a penny-farthing.

Dave Preece, who lives off Bath Road in Worcester, set out on the 970 mile journey with friend Mike Davies on April 18 and returned on Saturday. ….

“It was incredibly tough. Riding a penny-farthing is difficult anyway because you really have to pedal harder while keeping the handlebars in control and there are no brakes to speak of. So you have to get off and push when going down or up hills, and it is scary riding in traffic.”

First off, and I honestly can’t believe I even have to say this, if you’re riding a penny-farthing bicycle and it isn’t 1912, you are a fucking asshole. That’s really all there is to it. You are a hipster douchebag and everyone who sees you ride down the street on your towering monstrosity hates your fucking guts. Just know that.

Secondly (and most importantly), I love that little bolded section up there. Absolutely love it. “It’s really scary riding in traffic on my 8-foot-tall vehicular death trap with no brakes!” I know bicyclists don’t have any self-awareness, but that’s pretty great even for them. It’s just such a perfect, vintage bicyclist quote. These same people who regularly complain that the streets aren’t safe for bicyclists are perfectly willing to teeter unsteadily over speeding traffic on a demonic contraption with no brakes. Ah yes, truly you are doing your part to make the streets safer for all of us!

Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the guy made this ride for charity, and I do commend him for raising a bunch of whatever play money the British are using these days for deaf kids. I do. But when your chosen fundraising method is riding across the country on a brakeless death machine, something tells me you’re a little more concerned with making a spectacle of yourself than you are with whatever foundation you’re claiming to support. I’m pretty sure weaving in and out of traffic on a vehicle that hasn’t been en vogue since the roaring 20’s and putting countless other people in danger is more about you than anyone else.

Call it a hunch. Call me a naysayer. But I’ve seen this move too many times to not recognize it as coming straight out of the bicyclist playbook. There are many worthy charities that need our support, and many deserving causes that we should champion. But if it comes at the cost of our streets being overrun with hipster douchebags riding penny-farthing bicycles, is it really worth it? I don’t know. I’m just a simple man. I can’t make these decisions for all of us. I’m just here to start the conversation so that we might have an answer before the penny-farthing reckoning is upon us.

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You’ll Never Believe This But A Bunch Of Bicycle Bloggers Are NOT Happy With Your Boy Falco

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[CycleKYIN] Falco appears not to like cyclist, like we give a shit.  He has a blog titled “I HATE BICYCLIST” where he routinely points out faults of cyclist he has encountered.  Like I couldn’t spend hours on the mishaps occurring on the roads.  I have better things to do with my time hopefully.

It appears his name is Shane and his profile on twitter (footstepsfaIco) introduces himself as:

More famous than Jesus, better dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn’t be seen dead on a cross and never been caught up a chimney.

I personally think there might be issues if he’s comparing himself to Jesus and Santa Claus.  My guess is that psychiatrist would have a lot to work with in this case.  They might be able to retire after documenting these issues.

My take is that he was delayed in getting to his fantasy football draft party by cyclist when he was already late.  Instead of being a man and stepping up to the responsibility of being late he blamed the cyclist for delaying him 30 seconds.  He was probably 15 minutes late and missed his first draft choice, in turn his fantasy team sucked, he had to pay out $25 winning nothing and the anger over this cyclist that caused his slight delay has manifested over the years.

I think Shane needs an intervention.  His friends (I actually doubt he has any) need to sit him down and let him know it’s not normal to have people who have never met him grant an award titled “Asshole of the Month”.  The problem is he probably doesn’t have any friends.  Sitting in front of the television watching Patriot games or watching fantasy football shows year round typically doesn’t yield quality relationships.

I feel sorry for Shane as he waste his life away in front of the television.  He does admit to looking at internet porn in one of his post so I guess he has a second hobby.  It looks like a little exercise would do him well so he shouldn’t be upset with cyclist for inconveniencing him from time to time.  Maybe the root of the problem is simply feeling inadequate in comparison to cyclist.

CycleKYIN coming in HOT! I know it was probably tough to read through all the garbled sentences and the fact that our buddy “JN” doesn’t believe in plurals, but it seems like these guys are none too happy with your boy Falco!

To be honest, as much as I’d like to reply with a scathing rebuke, I just can’t bring myself to do it. In fact more than anything I’m just impressed that someone from Kentucky was able to stop spooning mayonnaise and grits into their mouth for long enough to write a blog post of any substantial length.

Besides, it’s really tough to argue with any of the stuff in this post. I mean, he basically just described every red-blooded American male. Television, porn, football, and gambling. The Fearsome Foursome! Now, I know what you’re thinking: he forgot booze. But that’s okay. Any way you look at it, naming four of the five best things in the world and recognizing my dedication to them is pretty good. I have to tip my cap. And the best part is, it makes perfect sense! Their justification for awarding me Asshole of the Month basically describes 99% of the population, proving once again that bicyclists live in a deranged fantasy world with no concept of reality or acceptable behavior. And JN. JN, buddy. I KNOW you’re not going to look me in the eye and pretend you’ve never watched porn. I get that you hate me (and frankly I’d be pretty horrified if you liked me), but let’s at LEAST level with each other here.

In the end, I’m a little confused about the whole thing. It seems like he’s trying to paint me as a villain, but he’s pretty much described me as just about the most normal, relatable person ever. Is this actually a fan blog? Is this guy secretly trying to praise me, but framing it negatively so his banana-seated brethren won’t realize it? I’m onto your game, friend. Your secret is safe with me. And just to prove there are no hard feelings, I’ll even link to your little site again. Probably triple your pageviews for the month. That’s just the way I roll. I’m a generous man.

PS. I have to admit I got a little rattled when I saw “It looks like a little exercise would do him well.” Started feeling a little self-conscious about the ol’ waistline. But then I noticed the picture of me they used. Note for the future: when attempting to paint someone as a fat, lazy, shiftless homebody, avoid using a picture of them outside exercising. I should thank you, really. Not only have you given me an award that I can be truly proud of, you have successfully portrayed me as a football-loving, bike-hating, red blooded American who loves puppies and beaches. Shit son, if I wrote this myself they’d accuse me of bragging.

PPS. Also worth noting: guess who was named Asshole of the Month before me?

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Heyoooo! It’s American Hero Lance Armstrong! As if being named Asshole of the Month by a bunch of lunatic bicyclists wasn’t enough of an honor, now I’m being mentioned in the same breath as the great Lance Armstrong? Goddamn. This guy couldn’t stroke my ego any more if he tried.

PPPS. Seriously though, how much of a gasket do you think these guys would blow if they saw the glowing things I’ve written about Lance Armstrong?

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Some Dickhead Bicyclist Threw A Rock At A Car And Promptly Got His Ass Beat With A Baseball Bat

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[Associated Press] A 45-year-old Stratford woman is accused of beating a bicyclist with a baseball bat in Bridgeport. Andrea Brown was arrested Saturday on charges including assault.

The Connecticut Post reports that Brown and 28-year-old Angel Ramos of Bridgeport began arguing in a Bridgeport parking lot after her car and his bicycle nearly collided. Police say a witness told Brown that Ramos had thrown a rock at her car. They say she followed him to a gas station, where he dropped the bike and began running.

They say she ran over the bicycle, then caught Ramos and began hitting him with the bat. He was treated for bruises at a local hospital.

I guess I should start out by saying, for what feels like the thousandth time, that I do not and will never support violence against bicyclists. Violence is their game, and we do not stoop to the level of these spandex-clad savages. We are better than that. We have to be better than that.

But that said, if you pick up a rock and hurl it at somebody’s car, you really can’t be too fucking shocked when the come back at you, can you? I’m not saying that people should be free to run around beating bicyclists with bats, but in this specific circumstance it kind of seems like you had it entirely within your power to prevent this from happening to you, dude. Yeah, yeah, this lady is going to face her punishment and she probably deserves it, but if you think I have one single ounce of sympathy for this rock-hurling pedalfucker, you are sadly mistaken.

You know what’s fun to think about? At what point do you think the dude realized he fucked up? Was it when she turned her car to come after him? Was it when she ran the fuck over his bike? Was it when he saw the baseball bat? Somewhere along the line he realized he fucked with the wrong person, and I wish I could pinpoint that moment. I want that moment frozen in time forever. I want it bottled. I want to be able to crack open a refreshing can of dipshit bicyclist justice anytime I need a little pick-me-up. Because I just cannot think of a moment where justice was served more swiftly and more deservedly than in this story.

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Bicyclists Are So Fucking Dedicated To Getting In Everyone’s Way That They’re Even Bicycling Up The Goddamn Stairs Now

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[Shanghaiist] A Polish cyclist set a new world record for the most steps scaled on a bicycle when he pedaled up an exhausting 3,139 steps in the Taipei 101 Tower in Taiwan on Sunday, according to China Daily. The 33-year-old endurance beast, Krystian Herba, conquered his own world record of 2,919 steps, which he set in 2014 when he ascended the Eureka Tower in Melbourne, Australia.

Herba claimed that this latest effort was the ‘most difficult challenge ever in my life’, citing the fact that the tower’s steps are twice as high as those from previous attempts. The Taipei 101 Tower, standing at 509m, was once the world’s tallest building (it now sits sixth on that list) and is named after the 101 floors it houses.

To complete his mission, Herba first climbed 60 floors, before returning to the bottom via elevator, then pedaled up another grueling 91 floors. The feat was accomplished in two hours and 13 minutes.

I am not exaggerating when I say I might hate this guy more than anyone on earth. I hate him with every fiber of my being. I hate him from the tips of my toes all the way up to the pointiest hair on my head. I hate him with every single breath I take. The rest of my life is going to be a little bit worse every single day just from knowing that this lycra-encased garbage monster exists under the same sun as me.

Why the fuck is there even a world record for this? Who is verifying this shit? If you call the Guinness Book of World Records and ask them what the record for “most stairs bicycled up” is, they should hang the fuck up on you. I honestly cannot think of a more useless record. At least when a whole town gets together and makes the world’s biggest grilled cheese sandwich or whatever the fuck people are doing these days, people get to eat it. All this guy managed to do was spend over two hours barging through the busy staircases of a hundred-story office building. And that’s the BEST CASE scenario. Worst case is they actually shut down and cleared out the staircases in this building just so this fucking chud could try to break his stupid fucking record FOR THE NINTH FUCKING TIME.

I get it. This is what bicyclists do. They obstruct. But I have to admit, even I am a little taken aback by this one. I know they block the streets. I know they block pedestrian walkways, doorways, subway cars, sidewalks, and just about any public throughway under the sun. I guess I just never thought they’d venture into the indoor realm. I mean, stairs? Now I have to worry about bicyclists running me over every time I go up a set of STAIRS? Call me naive–I just thought some things were off limits. After all, what’s next? Am I going to wake up in the middle of the night and stumble to the bathroom, only to find a bicyclist blocking the toilet? “Sorry bro, just trying to break the world record for laps around a bathtub,” he’ll say to me. Well I won’t stand for it. I WON’T.

This guy wants to cycle up the Sears Willis Tower next year. This we cannot allow. The line must be drawn HERE. This far, no further. Maybe this shit flies in Malaysia, but if we don’t take a stand in America, we might as well burn our cities to the ground and go back to foraging for food, because our days as a first world country are over.

PS. He went up 60 floors, then went down the elevator, then went up 91 floors? So he didn’t even get to the top and go back down? He just went up 60 and decided it was time for a break? That is some bullshit. How does this record even count? Dude straight up took a break right in the middle. I swear, bicyclists don’t have a single ounce of integrity. The fact that this guy can accept this record with a straight face makes me want to puke.

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I Always Thought Mad Max Was A Work Of Fiction But Apparently It Was Actually A Documentary About Australian Bicyclists

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[The Age] It was a case of road rage on two wheels this week as a squadron of cyclists assaulted a motorist in Fitzroy.

The melee began on Tuesday in Mater Street, Collingwood, with a verbal altercation between the driver and four male cyclists and continued to the southern side of the intersection of Brunswick Street and Alexandra Parade in Fitzroy.

As the motorist waited at the traffic lights, two of the cyclists from the initial group approached his vehicle. One of the men produced what police say was a metal bike lock and started hitting the car, shattering the windscreen. He then started hitting the driver’s side window, which also shattered and caved in. The two men then rode off east down Alexandra Parade. 

You won’t find a bigger Mad Max fan than me. The Road Warrior is probably one of my top 10 movies of all time, and I will be first in line to see the Tom Hardy reboot in IMAX. But I guess I’ve been laboring under a pretty serious misconception all this time. You see, I thought Mad Max was the brilliant creation of George Miller. I thought he was imagining a unique and exciting post-apocalyptic world in which roving bands of savage warlords ruled the roads.

But now I see that I was wrong. George Miller was just translating his experiences with Australian bicyclists into a cinematic experience. I mean holy shit, what a bunch of savages! Not that I’m surprised. This is straight off page one of the bicyclist handbook. Involved in a minor altercation? Better respond by bashing the shit out of someone’s personal property with a metal rod. Obviously that’s the next logical step. I mean, how do you even respond to that? Someone who thinks that attacking your car with the fury of a thousand suns is a proportional response is liable to do just about anything. This poor driver is lucky he didn’t end up dragged out of the car and strapped to the front of somebody’s bike like a fucking war trophy. He was probably afraid that was where it was heading.

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Anyway, I’m still excited to see the new Mad Max, but this definitely paints it in a whole new light for me. Australia, you need to clean this shit the fuck up. Obviously everyday citizens can’t stoop to the destructive level of these savages, but the Australian police need to take a stand. Keep the people of Australia safe! Protect them from these roving bands of lawless savages! You and me, Max, we’re gonna give them back their heroes!

h/t reader Ernest

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