The Noble Moose Is The Latest Of Mother Nature’s Beasts To Take A Brave Stand Against Bicyclists

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A bicyclist is recovering from a broken arm after colliding with a mother moose. The Bozeman Daily Chronicle reports Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks spokeswoman Andrea Jones says signage has been posted warning people about the moose, but that she has likely moved on.

The moose and 30-year-old Brian Steddum collided helmet to nose Sunday night after Steddum says he came around a corner on the Bozeman Creek Trail and saw the animal with her calf.

Steddum says he fell, took a kick to the hip, then got back on his bike and fled. An x-ray taken at the hospital shows the ulna bone in his forearm snapped in half. Steddum says he feels lucky it wasn’t worse.

Snapped in HALF? Jesus Christ, man. I’m no fan of bicyclists but I can only imagine what this guy must have done to that poor moose. Did he run over the moose’s calf or something? Did he kill the moose’s mother? As someone born and raised in New Hampshire, I was taught to have a healthy respect for the noble moose. Don’t cross a moose. Don’t agitate it. Definitely don’t hit it with your car. And as always, what you shouldn’t hit with your car, you definitely shouldn’t hit with your bicycle.

I can’t help but wonder why they’re putting up signs to warn people about the moose. Seems to me like all the moose did was stand there minding him own business while some psychotic bicyclist rocketed around the corner and slammed into him at full speed. If anything there should be signs up to warn innocent moose about these crazy bicyclists. Who knows the kind of psychological damage that could stem from some poor baby moose watching his mother or father get repeatedly slammed into by crazy bicyclists in their lycra uniforms and slick, aerodynamic helmets, looking nothing so much like a cadre of colorful magic penises hurtling towards an inevitable doom? It would scar me, and I’m a human being capable of rational thought. I can only imagine the sort of damage it does to a moose calf.

Typical bicyclists. Always claiming to be on the side of nature and mother earth, but in reality they’re just a bunch of idiots attacking innocent wild animals and scarring their children for life. For shame bicyclists, for shame.

(image source)

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Wanna See A Bicyclist Run A Red Light And Plow Straight Into The Side Of A Bus? Of Course You Do

[Manchester Evening News] This shocking footage shows the moment that a Manchester cyclist rode through a red traffic light – and straight into the side of the bus.

The video shows the cyclist riding up to the traffic lights in the city centre and gliding through a red light before colliding head-on with the side of a double-decker bus and coming off his bike.

There really isn’t much to say here, I just thought it might be nice to pass along this wonderful video that a reader sent me. Nothing wakes me up faster than seeing a dipshit bicyclist blindly sail into an intersection only to be annihilated by traffic. Because the best part isn’t that he got hit by a bus–there’s far too much potential for tragedy to enjoy watching someone get blindsided by any sort of vehicle. No, he plowed directly into the side of the bus. Did he not notice it was there? Did he think it was going to get out of the way? Did he simply refuse to apply the brakes out of pure, stubborn, idiot bicyclist principle? We may never know. What I DO know is that this video made my day, and hopefully yours too.

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Bicyclists Officially Declare Themselves Enemies Of Beer, Stage The Most Pathetic Vehicular Assault Of All Time

[Fittish] On Saturday, May 23, Minneapolis-based haters of the 16-seat drinker-powered mobile pubs could contain their loathing no longer, posting a call on the local“I hate the Pedal Pub” Facebook page for fellow haters to meet at a local park at 1 p.m. with bikes, squirt guns and water balloons. They would then go all Mad Max on some unsuspecting PedalPubs. Trouble is, since Facebook is a public forum, PedalPub warned Minneapolis police about the planned malfeasance.

Nothing happened at 1 p.m., but later in the afternoon, some cyclists rolled up on a PedalPub, squirted a pilot in the face, sprayed a second beer-buggy driver and hit a female pedaler with a water balloon, and were approaching a third mobile bar when the beer-fueled passengers of that third jitney jumped off their stools and went all police-state on the unsuspecting PedalPub haters. Or rather, off-duty police state. Six of the pedaling suds guzzlers just happened to be off-duty cops from Burnsville, a suburb of Minneapolis. They were able to get into situation mode very quickly, as this Youtube video shows:

Minneapolis police, the on-duty ones, arrested six people in the fracas: Five of them were water-armed cyclists; the other miscreant was not identified. All six will have their day in court on June 4th.

Comments on the Star Tribune article and on the I Hate the Pedal Pub Facebook page are vitriolic in the extreme, revealing what a hot-button issue PedalPubs truly are. Clearly, this war has just begun.

You might think that this is a tough issue for me to choose sides on, but you’d be wrong. “But Falco,” I can hear you saying, “Pedal Pubs are basically giant bicycles! Aren’t they just as bad as regular bikes?” Maybe. You might be right. But the fact is, I’m always going to come down on the side of beer. It’s just who I am. It’s in my nature. And I simply can’t stand idly by while respectable, beer-serving establishments are attacked (however pathetically) by roving bands of bicyclist raiders.

Talk about your all-time stupid bicyclist moves though. “Hey, what if we stage a highly illegal attack on a place of business and plan and organize the entire thing on a public Facebook page! Surely this will in no way backfire!” The fact that the Pedal Pub was filled with off duty cops is just the absolute kicker, too. It’s so perfect. Never has justice been served so swiftly and so deservedly. I mean, how empowering must it have felt to see a bunch of lycra-layered lunatics lurching towards you with squirt guns and water balloons and just be able to jump into action and bust their asses into the ground? God, I want that feeling. I bet it’s better than sex. I’d go celibate for a year for the chance to blindside a bunch of bikefucks and bust them back to the stone age.

PS. Let’s cool it with the Mad Max comparisons here though. I know I’ve used the analogy before when talking about these roving bicyclist cabals, but usually they at least have the decency to be actual thugs carrying actual weapons. These morons ran around with couple of water pistols while basically announcing to the entire world exactly what they were going to do. In a Mad Max apocalypse, these idiots would wind up chained to a Harley-riding wasteland warrior wearing a pair of assless chaps in ten minutes flat.

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Don’t You Just Hate It When You Almost Kill A Toddler With Your Bicycle And People Freak Out And Get All Mad At You?

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[Courier Mail] ‘HIT-AND-RUN’ cyclist mowed down a toddler before dragging her along the footpath — but claims it’s his life that’s been ruined.

Andrew Holland, 23, said he has been verbally attacked and threatened since the release of CCTV footage showing him ploughing into three-year-old Lucie Wilding outside her home in Blackpool, England. The shocking video shows the little girl caught up in the pedals of the bike, her face scraping the pavement as Mr Holland continues to cycle.

Mum Lauren Howarth, 26, said at the time: “One minute she was behind me and the next she was further along the street, sprawled across the pavement. I thought she was dead. There was blood coming from everywhere. She was hysterical, screaming at the top of her lungs.”

Ms Howarth, a mum-of-three, said Mr Holland fell off his bike before hurling abuse at her and her partner, Matt, and fleeing the scene. “As soon as he got up he started swearing at us, as if it was Lucie’s fault that he had hit her. The next thing we knew he’d gone,” she said. “It would have been nice for him to put a note through the door to check how she is. For all he knew, she could be dead.”

Ugh, helicopter parents are the WORST, am I right? I mean is this mom going to throw a tantrum EVERY time someone runs her kid over and drags her around by the face? Talk about an overreaction. Let’s think about the REAL victim here: the bicyclist. Has anyone stopped for one minute to ask how HE feels? It’s got to be real traumatizing to see all that blood. And did that little girl even bother to find out how badly her tiny body might have damaged that bike? He probably had to refit the chain, might have even had to wipe some blood off the chassis. It’s just such a shame that nobody wants to give this guy any sympathy because they’re too busy paying attention to the “little girl” and her “serious injuries” and “near death experience.” How about a little sympathy for the REAL victim here, huh?

In all seriousness though, how about the balls on this motherfucker? “Yeah, I know I dragged a toddler down the pavement by her face like she was a bundle of cans driving away from the world’s most macabre wedding, but people are being MEAN to me about it so I’m the real victim here.” It’s so absurd I almost have to respect it. And the fact that when he finally popped off the bike he immediately went on a profanity-laced tirade while the toddler’s brains were basically still leaking all over the sidewalk is just the icing on the bicyclist cake.

I wish I could say that any part of this story surprises me. I really do. But I can’t. It’s just par for the course with these people. Never mind that it was illegal for him to be riding his bike where he was. Never mind that he ran over a small child. Never mind that he dragged that same small child on her face across the pavement without stopping. And never mind that he ran off after the “accident” (although can you truly call an act of such astounding stupidity, negligence, and aggressive malice an “accident?”) and never bothered to check with the family to make sure the kid was alright. Never mind all that. The REAL victim here is the guy who people are saying mean things to. It’s like Charles Manson claiming that he’s the victim because of all the bad press he received. Just mind-blowingly tone-deaf stuff here. But that’s just the life of a bicyclist, I guess. When you live your life in a spandex echo chamber, circlejerking with your pedal-jockey buddies day after day about how drivers are out to “get” you, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you develop a persecution complex. Anyone wondering how bicyclists get to be the way they are, how they develop the nigh-universal attitude of entitlement and defensiveness, need look no further than this lunatic right here. Look into his face, bicyclists. He is you. In one way or another, he is all of you.

(image source)

h/t to a whole bunch of you who sent this to me

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This Politician’s Bicyclist-Trolling Game Makes Me Look Like A Fucking Amateur

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[Samuel Warde] Washington State has long been a cyclist’s haven, with terrific bike trails through the woods and along the roads. Cyclists are everywhere in Washington State and according to an article in Forbes, Seattle ranks in the top twenty for the country’s most bike friendly cities and the state itself, according an article in Wired Magazine, is the best place in the country for bikes. One Washington lawmaker will hear none of that and has said, in public, out loud, within ear shot, that cyclists and cycling are bad for the environment and therefore should be taxed.

Representative Ed Orcutt (R – Kalama) said in an email to constituents.

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He later followed up his claim during a phone conversation with the Tom Fucoloro of Seattle Bike Blog, saying:

You would be giving off more CO2 if you are riding a bike than driving in a car … You can’t just say that there’s no pollution as a result of riding a bicycle.

This is of course is to be able to impose a tax on cyclists under the disingenuous theory that cyclists are using roads purportedly paid for by everyone else; like the more responsible and environmentally friendly people driving cars. Who according to Orcutt, expel less carbon emissions that cyclists with all that heavy breathing.

Bravo. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo!

Listen, I spent two years working in politics in Washington, DC, and I didn’t think it was possible for anything to make me respect politicians again. But just when I think I’m out, along comes Rep. Orcutt to pull me right back in!

The best part about this sort of trolling is that it’s based entirely in facts. Oh, you don’t like cars polluting the environment? Well did you know that you actually produce more carbon dioxide when you’re chugging away on your ten-speed traffic-making machine than you do when you’re sitting on your ass in a car? CHECK AND MATE, BIKEFUCKS! Can’t argue with the truth!

Fact is, when I’m sitting in my car, you can barely even tell I’m ALIVE. I produce so little carbon dioxide I’m practically a potted plant. I’ve got my heart rate down so low that I might technically be hibernating on my commute. Meanwhile what are these supposedly “environmentalist” bicyclists doing? Oh nothing, just sucking up as much oxygen as possible and replacing it with poisonous greenhouse gasses that are slowly warming the earth and contributing to the eventual death of our planet and the extinction of all mankind. NBD.

Nothing like pulling the rug right out from under these delusional lunatics. Rep. Orcutt lays it out pretty clearly for bicyclists: if you really cared about the environment, you’d stop breathing. Simple as that. Anything less and you’re just a giant carbon dioxide-producing hypocrite. But of course bicyclists won’t stop breathing. They don’t have the conviction. They don’t have the balls. I know that, you know that, and they know that. Instead they’ll just keep breathing our air and slowly killing our planet. They’ll continue to be the great scourge of our time.

PS. It hadn’t occurred to me to start an Anti-Bicyclist Hall of Fame, but I’m definitely starting one now just so Rep. Ed Orcutt can be the very first inductee. Congratulations, Ed! Keep fighting the good fight! You’re doing America proud!

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Get A Load Of This Fucking Douchebag

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[Worcester News] A KEEN cyclist has made the epic fund-raising journey from Land’s End to John O’ Groats — on a penny-farthing.

Dave Preece, who lives off Bath Road in Worcester, set out on the 970 mile journey with friend Mike Davies on April 18 and returned on Saturday. ….

“It was incredibly tough. Riding a penny-farthing is difficult anyway because you really have to pedal harder while keeping the handlebars in control and there are no brakes to speak of. So you have to get off and push when going down or up hills, and it is scary riding in traffic.”

First off, and I honestly can’t believe I even have to say this, if you’re riding a penny-farthing bicycle and it isn’t 1912, you are a fucking asshole. That’s really all there is to it. You are a hipster douchebag and everyone who sees you ride down the street on your towering monstrosity hates your fucking guts. Just know that.

Secondly (and most importantly), I love that little bolded section up there. Absolutely love it. “It’s really scary riding in traffic on my 8-foot-tall vehicular death trap with no brakes!” I know bicyclists don’t have any self-awareness, but that’s pretty great even for them. It’s just such a perfect, vintage bicyclist quote. These same people who regularly complain that the streets aren’t safe for bicyclists are perfectly willing to teeter unsteadily over speeding traffic on a demonic contraption with no brakes. Ah yes, truly you are doing your part to make the streets safer for all of us!

Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the guy made this ride for charity, and I do commend him for raising a bunch of whatever play money the British are using these days for deaf kids. I do. But when your chosen fundraising method is riding across the country on a brakeless death machine, something tells me you’re a little more concerned with making a spectacle of yourself than you are with whatever foundation you’re claiming to support. I’m pretty sure weaving in and out of traffic on a vehicle that hasn’t been en vogue since the roaring 20’s and putting countless other people in danger is more about you than anyone else.

Call it a hunch. Call me a naysayer. But I’ve seen this move too many times to not recognize it as coming straight out of the bicyclist playbook. There are many worthy charities that need our support, and many deserving causes that we should champion. But if it comes at the cost of our streets being overrun with hipster douchebags riding penny-farthing bicycles, is it really worth it? I don’t know. I’m just a simple man. I can’t make these decisions for all of us. I’m just here to start the conversation so that we might have an answer before the penny-farthing reckoning is upon us.

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You’ll Never Believe This But A Bunch Of Bicycle Bloggers Are NOT Happy With Your Boy Falco

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[CycleKYIN] Falco appears not to like cyclist, like we give a shit.  He has a blog titled “I HATE BICYCLIST” where he routinely points out faults of cyclist he has encountered.  Like I couldn’t spend hours on the mishaps occurring on the roads.  I have better things to do with my time hopefully.

It appears his name is Shane and his profile on twitter (footstepsfaIco) introduces himself as:

More famous than Jesus, better dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn’t be seen dead on a cross and never been caught up a chimney.

I personally think there might be issues if he’s comparing himself to Jesus and Santa Claus.  My guess is that psychiatrist would have a lot to work with in this case.  They might be able to retire after documenting these issues.

My take is that he was delayed in getting to his fantasy football draft party by cyclist when he was already late.  Instead of being a man and stepping up to the responsibility of being late he blamed the cyclist for delaying him 30 seconds.  He was probably 15 minutes late and missed his first draft choice, in turn his fantasy team sucked, he had to pay out $25 winning nothing and the anger over this cyclist that caused his slight delay has manifested over the years.

I think Shane needs an intervention.  His friends (I actually doubt he has any) need to sit him down and let him know it’s not normal to have people who have never met him grant an award titled “Asshole of the Month”.  The problem is he probably doesn’t have any friends.  Sitting in front of the television watching Patriot games or watching fantasy football shows year round typically doesn’t yield quality relationships.

I feel sorry for Shane as he waste his life away in front of the television.  He does admit to looking at internet porn in one of his post so I guess he has a second hobby.  It looks like a little exercise would do him well so he shouldn’t be upset with cyclist for inconveniencing him from time to time.  Maybe the root of the problem is simply feeling inadequate in comparison to cyclist.

CycleKYIN coming in HOT! I know it was probably tough to read through all the garbled sentences and the fact that our buddy “JN” doesn’t believe in plurals, but it seems like these guys are none too happy with your boy Falco!

To be honest, as much as I’d like to reply with a scathing rebuke, I just can’t bring myself to do it. In fact more than anything I’m just impressed that someone from Kentucky was able to stop spooning mayonnaise and grits into their mouth for long enough to write a blog post of any substantial length.

Besides, it’s really tough to argue with any of the stuff in this post. I mean, he basically just described every red-blooded American male. Television, porn, football, and gambling. The Fearsome Foursome! Now, I know what you’re thinking: he forgot booze. But that’s okay. Any way you look at it, naming four of the five best things in the world and recognizing my dedication to them is pretty good. I have to tip my cap. And the best part is, it makes perfect sense! Their justification for awarding me Asshole of the Month basically describes 99% of the population, proving once again that bicyclists live in a deranged fantasy world with no concept of reality or acceptable behavior. And JN. JN, buddy. I KNOW you’re not going to look me in the eye and pretend you’ve never watched porn. I get that you hate me (and frankly I’d be pretty horrified if you liked me), but let’s at LEAST level with each other here.

In the end, I’m a little confused about the whole thing. It seems like he’s trying to paint me as a villain, but he’s pretty much described me as just about the most normal, relatable person ever. Is this actually a fan blog? Is this guy secretly trying to praise me, but framing it negatively so his banana-seated brethren won’t realize it? I’m onto your game, friend. Your secret is safe with me. And just to prove there are no hard feelings, I’ll even link to your little site again. Probably triple your pageviews for the month. That’s just the way I roll. I’m a generous man.

PS. I have to admit I got a little rattled when I saw “It looks like a little exercise would do him well.” Started feeling a little self-conscious about the ol’ waistline. But then I noticed the picture of me they used. Note for the future: when attempting to paint someone as a fat, lazy, shiftless homebody, avoid using a picture of them outside exercising. I should thank you, really. Not only have you given me an award that I can be truly proud of, you have successfully portrayed me as a football-loving, bike-hating, red blooded American who loves puppies and beaches. Shit son, if I wrote this myself they’d accuse me of bragging.

PPS. Also worth noting: guess who was named Asshole of the Month before me?

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Heyoooo! It’s American Hero Lance Armstrong! As if being named Asshole of the Month by a bunch of lunatic bicyclists wasn’t enough of an honor, now I’m being mentioned in the same breath as the great Lance Armstrong? Goddamn. This guy couldn’t stroke my ego any more if he tried.

PPPS. Seriously though, how much of a gasket do you think these guys would blow if they saw the glowing things I’ve written about Lance Armstrong?

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